Parenting

Discipline and Motivation

On May 28, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

I spent the majority of Memorial Day at the neighborhood pool with my family. One family there consisted of a father, a young three-year-old boy, and the grandmother. The boy vehemently did not want to go into the water. Every time his father tried to get him in the pool, the boy shrieked and cried.

Frustrated, the father picked the boy up, forcibly put him in the water, and said, “You’re going in the pool whether you like it or not.” The boy cried and ran out of the water.

The father tried to calm down and bribe the boy, “Look, we’re here for you. So if you get in the pool, we’ll go out for a treat afterwards.” The … >>>

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The Best Discipline for Older Youth

On May 20, 2013   /   Discipline, Parenting  

When it comes to discipline approaches for older youth, many parents are unsure what to do. If they’ve relied on rewards, punishments, and telling (the things I don’t recommend), they quickly learn that these discipline approaches are ineffective and don’t promote responsibility. So what’s the best way to discipline a teenager?

Realize that by the time children are 13 to 14 years old, you should be through telling them what to do. Of course, youth still need guidance, but it should be accomplished by persuasion—not coercion. Teenagers want to cut the umbilical cord, but at the same time they still want security. This is a challenge for both the teenager and the parent.

Implementing the three practices of positivity, … >>>

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Parents and Role-Modeling

On May 15, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

The parent is the first teacher—and the most influential. In fact, you cannot help but teach because you are always modeling, whether you like it or not. And children are perceptive. They pick up everything you model, not just the good. Consider this example:

Every morning a father drove his three-year-old daughter to preschool. One day, the father was away at a conference and the mother drove the girl. The youngster, sitting next to her mother, could hardly see over the dashboard and asked, “Mommy, where are all of the bastards today?”

The mother replied, “I don’t know, honey. I guess they’re only out when your father drives.”

Every second of every day you are modeling something to children. What … >>>

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What I Owe My Mother

On May 14, 2013   /   Parenting  

This past Sunday, my daughter came over to celebrate Mother’s Day. During the visit, which was filled with food and joy, I reflected on my own mother’s influence on me—with a little help from Dan Poynter.

I OWE MY MOTHER:

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother … >>>

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Responsibilities to Live By

On May 13, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

Instead of relying on rules, consider using the term “responsibilities.” This is much more than a mere word choice. In contrast to “rules,” “responsibilities” empower and elevate. They are stated in positive terms, whereas rules are often stated in negative terms. When communications are in positive terms, there is a natural tendency for you to help rather than to punish. So, rather than using the term “rules,” consider using a term that describes what you want to encourage.

For example, you probably have some rules in your home that state:

House Rules

  • No hitting.
  • Don’t make a mess.
  • Don’t blame others for my mistakes.
  • Stay out of my brother’s room.
  • Don’t be late.

All of these statements are meant … >>>

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Before You Discipline, Check Your Mental Position

On May 8, 2013   /   Discipline, Parenting  

When disciplining a child, only a noncoercive approach is effective. And the first step to being noncoercive is mental positioning.

When practicing any skill, putting yourself in position always precedes the action. This is as true when disciplining as it is when holding a golf club before the swing, holding a baseball bat before the pitch arrives, shooting a basketball, holding a tennis racquet, or playing any musical instrument. Therefore, the first step is placing yourself in a mental stance to employ noncoercion.

The mental stance should be one of curiosity, helpfulness, and kindness. Why? Because you do not shout to be noncoercive. Your tone of voice communicates at least as much as your words. Even a horse understands this, … >>>

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Rewards and Compensation

On May 6, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

People assume that an external manipulator, such as a reward, causes young people to change. As a result, many parents offer children money for doing something they ask. They equate it to earning a salary at work. But remember, salaries in the job marketplace are contractual agreements of compensation for service. They are not bribes to manipulate behavior. When was the last time you looked at your paycheck and thanked your employer for the reward?

Of course, if the compensation were not satisfactory, the person may choose to look elsewhere. As an aside, many studies have shown that “merit pay” is a poor motivator and low on a list of employee priorities. Rewards like these also create more problems … >>>

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How to Discipline with Authority without Being Punitive

On May 1, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

The keys to the success of using authority without being punitive are in using positive communications, empowerment of choice, and reflection. These practices instill the mindset that the objective is to raise responsibility, rather than to punish.

Punishment fosters evasion of responsibility and also has the disadvantage of increasing the distance between parents and children. A far more effective approach than punishment is to treat the situation as a teaching and learning opportunity.

Elicit from the youngster what the youngster can do to ensure that the situation will not be repeated. In this way, the young person creates and maintains ownership. The implicit message is that a person is responsible for his actions and that inappropriate action is being remedied. … >>>

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One Phrase to Teach Patience to Children

On April 29, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

As any parent knows, youngsters are impetuous. They want to know an answer immediately. At any given moment, one child wants one thing and another child wants something else. It’s a constant pull for your attention, and few children have the patience to wait for an answer.

To get what they want, children often try to back you into a corner with non-stop questions (often the same one repeated over and over). When this happens to you, give your children your stock answer: “If you need to know right now, the answer is, ‘Not yet!’ But if I can think about it for a while, I might consider saying, ‘Yes.’”

Their usual response will sound something like, “Take all the … >>>

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Reflective Questions that Improve Decision Making in Older Children

On April 26, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

Four questions are particularly useful as a reflective activity to improve decision-making skills in older children. Although you can pose the questions orally, the responses can be in conversation or in writing. If the responses are to be written or typed on a computer, it should be the youngster’s decision whether or not to share with the parent. The parent merely requests that the written responses be kept should a future review of the situation prove necessary.

The set of four questions are:

1. What did I do? (acknowledgment)

2. What can I do to prevent it from happening again? (choice)

3. What will I do? (commitment)

4. What is my plan to help me fulfill my commitment? (procedure)… >>>

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The Power of Not Using Imposed Punishments

On April 17, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Self-punishment is the worst type and the most severe. Unfortunately, imposed punishment is too often used for those who don’t need it. These children will respond without punitive action. Kahlil Gibran makes the point when he asks, “And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?”

All too often, the assumption is made that punishment is the only successful course of action to immediately halt inappropriate behavior. The paradox is that noncoercion can be far more effective than coercion. This point is brought home when we expect punishment but do not receive it. In such cases, we often remember the experience more than if we had been punished.

For example, a friend related a … >>>

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Reflective Questions Are a Gift

On April 8, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

When you use reflective questions, you are directing the other person’s thinking. It is this questioning process that starts the thinking process, both for you and for the other person. This kind of question is a gift to the person being asked because it induces clarity of thought. Similarly, the answer can be a gift to the person asking because it is a quick way to obtain and understand the other person’s viewpoint.

Asking reflective questions increases the parent’s awareness of a child’s perceptions, thereby significantly increasing the parent’s understanding of the child. This clarification leads to both increased effectiveness and improved relationships. A key purpose of all communications is to gain understanding, to get clarity of the other … >>>

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How to Make Bed Time Easier for Children and Parents

On April 1, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Many parents struggle with getting younger children to sleep. Usually, children want to stay up as late as the adults, even though their tired bodies are yearning for sleep. This typically occurs because the youngster is curious about life and doesn’t want to miss out on anything.

If your child is resisting bed time, try this approach. Have the youngster talk about what was enjoyed during the day. By reflecting on something good, the child will go to sleep in a pleasant mood. In addition, have the youngster talk while lying down because more effort will be exerted than if the youngster were sitting or standing up. After the child finishes, speak or read in a soft volume. Exerting effort … >>>

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Why a Positive Approach to Discipline Makes Sense

On March 29, 2013   /   Discipline, Parenting  

Young children are cute and we feel comfortable empowering them; we find it easy and it feels natural to communicate with them in positive ways. But we often treat them differently when the same children become adolescents. Should we?

  • If a youngster doesn’t know how to ride a bike, we teach.
  • If a youngster doesn’t know how to mow the lawn, we teach.
  • If a youngster doesn’t know how to demonstrate good manners, we teach.
  • If an adolescent doesn’t know how to behave, we teach? Or do we punish?

Few young people are maliciously non-compliant. Too often, instead of using a positive approach to promote responsible behavior, we resort to negative methods. Rather than resorting to punishing, we can create … >>>

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Recognize Implicit Messages

On March 27, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

Parents often deliver explicit messages unaware of sending implicit ones. “Explicit” refers to the actual words you state. “Implicit” refers to what the receiver of the message is learning by inference. For example, tickets for a movie theater are more expensive for a 13-yearold than for a 12-year-old. In order to save money, the parent tells the 13-year-old daughter to state her age as 12. The explicit message is that saving money is desirable; however, the implicit message is that being dishonest is acceptable.

The teenager tells the parent, “I may be home late tonight.” The parent asks, “Will there be alcohol or drugs where you are going?” The response is, “I don’t know.” The parent responds by saying, “You’re … >>>

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Punishment is Revenge

On March 26, 2013   /   Discipline, Parenting  

When you stop and reflect about punishment, you will conclude that much of punishment is revenge.

The child being punished interprets it as “I’m getting back at you for doing what you did—or did not do.”

When imposed on young people, punishment is on the opposite side of the same coin as rewards used as bribes. This type of rewards asks, “What will I get if I do it?” and punishments state, “This is what will happen to you if you don’t.”

Punishment for adults who commit a crime is justified to keep criminals away from society, or for retribution, or for justice.

If you think that a youth is an adult, then you will use punishment because you … >>>

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The One Phrase All Parents Must Teach Their Children

On March 20, 2013   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

Regardless of the situation, the stimulus, or the impulse, people choose their responses. To do otherwise would be to operate from compulsion. This is the beauty of being human. Unlike animals, we humans need not succumb to our reflexes or emotions.

Furthermore, the less we succumb, the less we are driven by tyrannical obsessions. Therefore, one of our most important tasks as parents is to teach and model choice-response thinking—that even young people can be in control of their choices.

So as not to fall back on previous habits and approaches, it is necessary to become aware of our options. You can do this very simply by teaching your child a procedure. Have the youngsters say, … >>>

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Telling and Lecturing are Ineffective Discipline Techniques

On March 18, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

Telling and lecturing as discipline are generally ineffective with young people who are trying to assert their independence. Besides, when young people become adolescents, they become “experts” in everything. Just try telling a teenager something and see how far you get. This phenomenon is captured in a quotation attributed to Mark Twain:

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished how much he had learned in seven years.

You can visualize the scene. You are talking to your teenage son and attempting to inform him of the disadvantages of what he wants to do. You make your … >>>

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