Responsibility

I have never been a fan of the self-esteem movement because I have always thought that a person’s self-esteem comes from one’s own self-talk. This self-talk emanates primarily from a person’s nature and experiences, rather than from some external agent(s). I have never bought into the idea that people who bully or who do not do well academically in school have low self-esteem. I have personally known people who bully and have high self-esteem, and I have known people who have done very well academically but who have low self-esteem.

The “SCIENTIFIC AMERICAN MIND” (volume 16, number 4) contains an interesting article entitled, “EXPLODING THE SELF-ESTEEM MYTH,” with the subtitle: “BOOSTING PEOPLE’S SENSE OF SELF-WORTH HAS BECOME A NATIONAL PREOCCUPATION. … >>>

A teacher posted a request at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com. The teacher had a very challenging youngster and requested others to share some ideas working with very difficult young students.

Following is one teacher's response. HER IDEA IS WELL WORTH YOUR READING IF YOU ARE A TEACHER OR parent WORKING WITH A VERY CHALLENGING YOUNG PERSON.

"This is my second year using DWS (Discipline without Stress). I have a first grader this year who has exhibited many of the behaviors that you listed. I have used behavior sheets, given out laps, writing sentences, separated him from the group even using a science fair display board and then ultimately had to suspend him for a short time. NOTHING was working with him. He … >>>

Each time you coerce someone into doing something by using your power of authority, you deprive that person of an opportunity to become more responsible.

More information on this topic is available at http://marvinmarshall.com.… >>>

A teacher recently shared a story with me about one of the oddest conversations the teacher ever had with a child. He was with a very bright, yet disruptive 7 year old. He had a history of misbehavior at school with lots of office time and suspensions.

At the beginning of the year, the writer sat with the young lad after a minor infraction. During the conversation the teacher casually said something about, “Well, you know I can’t MAKE you behave; that’s something you have to want to do for yourself.”

The little boy responded, “You HAVE to make me behave. That’s your job.”

We must have spent about 15 minutes in a conversation that ended up centering, not on … >>>

I often come across articles about how an incompletely developed brain accounts for poor self-discipline, irresponsible behavior, and emotional problems of teenagers. It is true that teenagers, by virtue of their hormonal changes, are prone to be emotionally volatile, unpredictable, self-absorbed, and hypersensitive. However, the IMMATURE BRAIN that supposedly causes teen problems is nothing less than a myth. Most of the brain changes that are observed during the teen years lie on a continuum of changes that takes place over much of our lives.

In addition, some of these myths are based on studies of brain activity of teens as compared to adults. But snapshots of brain activities have nothing to do with causation. A person's emotions, such as … >>>

Here is an example of how choice can be used to redirect an impulse towards more responsible behavior—even with a very young child. It is part of a communication from a friend.

"I marvel at what my grandson understands and how he manages to communicate. The other night the parents went to dinner, and he started to cry real tears and scream.

"I picked him up and gave him a hug and proceeded to explain to him that mommy and daddy went to dinner and they would soon come back. Then I asked him if he wanted to keep on crying until they returned or play with his trains. The tears shut off like a switch! He loves Thomas the … >>>

One of the attributes I share is the promotion of the basic characteristic of any character education program: responsibility.

George Washington and many of the other USA’s founding fathers focused on how one could improve oneself as the first criterion to influence others. “The Rules of Civility,” the etiquette planner that Washington copied as a teenager, begins with the following admonition:

“Every action done in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those who are present.”

Perhaps the concept of appropriate should be revisited. Examples abound: wearing casual clothing in private vs. in public places such as houses of worship, using certain language in private vs. in public, and doing what comes … >>>

In times past, initiative and perseverance were characteristics parents actively promoted. parents thought twice before doing things for young people that the youngsters could do for themselves.

We can promote initiative and perseverance, which are part and parcel of responsibility, by asking ourselves, "If I do this for the youngster when I know that the youngster is capable, will I be depriving that person of an opportunity for growth?"

If YOU want to grow, do it YOURSELF.

If you want the other people to grow, don't do those things for them that they can do themselves.… >>>

Implementing the three practices of positivity, choice, and reflection may feel awkward at first. This is natural. Unlike youth, who find little risk in attempting new activities, adults have established patterns and often feel anxious and uncomfortable when attempting something different from what they have already been doing. Realizing this at the outset will make it easier to attempt something new. Doing something new or different requires making new habits, new neural connections. Practice makes permanent, and you will soon find that practicing the simple suggestions will become easier.

Think of a rocket or a space mission. Most of the energy, most of the thrust, has to do with breaking away—to surge past the gravitational pull.

Once … >>>

This is a follow-up from a discussion about a school’s policy mandating the giving of rewards for expected standards of behavior.

At a recent faculty meeting, it was announced that the “Positive Behavior Support” team met and decided what they need to do to reduce referrals to the office; bribe the kids! If there were no negative contacts (home phone call or note or trip to the office) for the rest of the week, then the following sorts of rewards would take place: kindergartners and first graders would get an ice cream sandwich at lunch, second graders would get to do a craft project, third graders would get to dance around in the cafeteria after lunch, etc.

The next … >>>

There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation and to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student—who already had much training from other teachers—looked eager and ready to learn and said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”

The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”

The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your mind of everything … >>>

I recently was sent an article about a study showing the effects of punishment as motivation on the brain. As I linked to the article about how the threat of punishment can deter bad behavior, a drawing of an adult immediately popped up.

I thanked the sender of the article with the following comments:

“The picture in the article shows an adult. I have absolutely no problem with incarcerating adults for retribution, fairness, justice, or protection of the public.

“As I explain in my seminars, if you believe that an 8-year-old is a 28-year-old, then you will treat the 8-year-old as you would treat the 28-year-old. However, if you believe that an 8-year-old is not yet a 28-year-old and you … >>>

The September 27, 2007 issue of USA Today carried an extensive article on the teenage brain. Two items from the article deserve special attention.

The first is a study finding that when kids showed resistance to peer pressure, the prefrontal cortex thickened, and areas of the brain showed more connections. This illustrates an association between brain function and structure and resistance to peer influence. One of the prime advantages of teaching the Marvin Marshall Hierarchy is to help young people understand the difference between external motivation (referred to as level C – cooperation/conformity ) and internal motivation (referred to as level D – democracy) Here is a further description.

The second item states that more than the teen brain … >>>

A writer for Best Life Magazine asked me how to respond to the following question: "My daughter wants to get a tattoo. How can I persuade her she'll live to regret it?"

I responded that the most effective approach is to induce the daughter to influence herself. The key to this approach is asking reflective questions and prompting the daughter to evaluate. I gave the following suggestions:

"Project ahead five years. Is the short term fun worth the long-term frustration when you want it removed?"

"How about making a list of all the advantages and the disadvantages and then comparing them!"

"Remembering that the emotion of making the decision will not outlast the emotion of being sorry if you … >>>

To change behavior of a young person, treat the youngster as if the person were already what you want the person to become.

For example, if your daughter is shy, rather than sending messages of her difficulties with her own social needs, respond to her as if she were verbal, popular, and socially confident. Some children need the confidence of others in themselves before their own confidence grows. If you communicate that the person has the power to encounter the situation—instead of trying to solve it for the youngster—the person will learn effective ways to do so with her or his own resources.

Parents cannot fix problems they don’t own. The problem invariably resides with the person’s self-talk to the … >>>

Here is how a school librarian who knows the Marvin Marshall approach uses it to have students return books. Before adopting this smart approach, the librarian would send out overdue library notices on three different colors:The first color was a notice that the book was overdue.

The second colored notice announced that a book was really late and that the next notice would be a detention.

The third was a notice that the book was three weeks overdue and that the student had to serve a detention.

The process had turned into a bit of a joke with students who learned that the first two notices really didn’t count. The librarian was sending out more than 200 notices each … >>>