Volume 3 Number 10
IN THIS ISSUE:
1. Welcome
2. Promoting Responsibility
3. Increasing Effectiveness
4. Improving Relationships
5. Your Questions Answered
6. Implementing The Raise Responsibility System
1. WELCOME
The following
communication–written by Mary Lou Cebula, an elementary school principal in
Warren Township, New Jersey –was forwarded to me. She has given me permission
to share it with you.
A mother called me the other
day to tell me Dr. Marshall’s levels of behavior are working even at home. {If
you have not read Chapter 3, there are four
levels: Anarchy-A, Bullying-B, Cooperation-C, and Democracy-D. The goal is
for students to choose to behave at levels C and D}. Her first grade son is very
tired at the end of each day. On the previous evening he had soccer practice
after school and about 6:30 she was trying to get him to take a bath. He was
lying on the bathroom floor naked and crying, “I am not going to take a bath and
I am not getting my picture taken!” (The next day was picture day.) His mother
calmly responded by saying, “I guess I will have to call Mrs. O’Donnell (his
teacher) and tell her you are at level A behavior.”
He immediately got off the floor and took his bath without another
complaint!
I share the story with you
because I am extremely interested in any experiences you have had with young
people that are worth sharing. My book on parenting has been started, and I
would like to include personal experiences.
After using one of my suggested approaches with his teen-age daughter and son, a
father recently told me that his relationships with his children had
significantly improved–and his stress reduced. He concluded by letting me know
that his wife is still using her old approaches and now she is the only one in
the family undergoing stress with their children.
In contrast to the first situation, this story is not specific enough to be
included in the book.
Please reflect on any experiences you have had with young people–infants to
young adults–and take the time to share them with me.
If I may include personal information such as your name and/or location, please
let me know in your communication.
Needless to say, I greatly appreciate your efforts to make the book worth
reading. The tentative title is:
PARENTING without STRESS
3 Keys to Raising Responsible Kids
While Keeping A Life of Your Own
I would appreciate your
reaction to the title and/or any
story you are willing to share.
Mailto:Marv@MarvinMarshall.com.
Thanks you.
2. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY
I often say in my seminars
that if you believe a youngster is an adult, then punish the youngster as you
would an
adult. However, if you believe that young people are not yet adults and you want
to prevent their becoming incarcerated with the other 2,0000,000 people in this
country, then punishment may not be the most effective approach.
I was reminded of this when I read that 82-year-old Eugene Markovitz passed away
from pneumonia last week. How he handled four youths after punishable behavior
inspired a 1994 CBS television movie, “The Writing on the Wall,” starring Hal
Landon.
The actual incident occurred on Halloween night in 1988 and attracted national
media attention. As a Halloween prank, four youths struck four sites in Clifton,
New Jersey: the garage of Markovitz’s home, the Clifton Jewish Center, a kosher
meat market, and the car of an elderly Jew. Using shaving cream and blue paint,
the boys scrawled swastikas, stars of David, and phrases such as, “I hate Jews,”
“Hitler should have killed you all,” and “Go back to your own country” on the
properties.
Caught quickly, the New Jersey youths, far from being Neo-Nazis, were all 13 and
14 and the sons of a police
officer, a dentist, a teacher, and a banker. The superior court judge was ready
to send the boys to juvenile prison
for two years but first he consulted Markovitz–who, contrary to the views of
other adults, recommended community service–including education about Judaism
to enlighten the boys about what they had done.
Markovitz, who retired last year as Rabbi of the Clifton Jewish Center after 52
years, insisted that, “One must never
give up on young people,” he told Time Magazine in 1990. “In Judaism, it’s
literally a crime to do so.”
Through the boys’ community service–which included sessions with the rabbi–the
boys learned about Judaism and its commonality with Christianity, the Holocaust,
their own multi-ethnic country, and even their own family histories,
which included migration from Eastern Europe. The boys learned about the Nazi
concentration camps and the awful
stigma of the swastika symbol. One boy learned that his own grandfather had
risked his life to hide Jews beneath the
floorboards of his home in northern Holland during World War II–a legacy his
family had never discussed.
None of the boys ever became involved in another crime, and one even became a
police officer in Clifton.
3. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS
We’re all familiar with the
Nike motto, “Just do it.” If we apply this to anything that can be accomplished
in two
minutes or less, we will be using the “Two-Minute Rule.”
Here is how it works. If you decide that an action can be accomplished in two
minutes or less–then and there–do
it, even if it is a low priority item.
The reason that this approach increases effectiveness is rather simple. If it
takes two minutes or less to do
something that you intend to do anyway, it will take you longer to stack and
track, pull it back, and look at it
again than it would be to finish it the first time you encounter it.
For example, because of my many websites and articles on the Internet, I receive
e-mail in the hundreds on a daily basis. Most of it is spam. Yet, I do not want
to delete it all or use filters because a question posed to me or a worthwhile
message may not get through. So I created my own filter to scan my e-mails in
less than two minutes.
Not wanting to use more than one e-mail account, I created a “Current” folder in
my Eudora e-mail system and added a “Current” icon to the toolbar. When I check
my e-mail, I quickly scan the “In-box” and drag all messages I want to keep to
that “Current” folder–without opening them.
This procedure allows me to leave all spam in my “In Box” and delete all of it
by highlighting them and then, with
great pleasure, tapping “Delete.”
Then I open my “Current” folder and read and/or respond to my e-mails according
to my priorities.
I think of the Two-Minute Rule as Teflon coating. Nothing sticks to it; stuff
attaches itself and quickly slides off.
I do not let stuff hang around if I can dispatch it–fast.
Here is the key to using the rule. When something confronts you (or visa versa),
ask yourself, “How long will this take?” If your response is two-minutes or
less, “Just do it.”
4. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS
My sister, an animal lover,
recently sent me an e-mail encouraging happiness in this “crazy” world. Sandra
Marshall knew how much we enjoyed our dog, a pug, for so many years. I share her
communication with you. Read and look at it slowly to gain all the amuzing
subtleties–especially the cat in the mirror.
http://www.palletmastersworkshop.com
5. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED QUESTION:
My youngest son has been particularly prickly recently. Even when I try to
express my suggestions in a positive way, he interprets it as criticism. When he
bridled at some comments I made about interrupting people, he really became
upset. Any suggestions?
RESPONSE:
Being positive is the first principle to practice. Now use the second–the
empowerment of choice, and the third– reflection. Ask him a reflective question
where the options are stated.
For example. ask him if he prefers to go on as he is doing–having people
irritated with him–or if he prefers finding out how he can improve his social
skills.
NOTE: This was first posted
at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/RaiseResponsibilitySystemand
edited to show how the parent handled the situation and how her son responded.
He quickly concluded that knowing how to improve was a better option.
6. Implementing the RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM
You can share and learn more about the RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
QUESTION:
Some of my youngsters and their parents were struggling with the word,
“anarchy.” Could I use a short phrase beginning with “absence of….” order?
responsible behavior? Perhaps you could suggest a word/words that would fit and
my young students could connect to anarchy until they develop a more
clear understanding of its definition.
RESPONSE:
Many share some reluctance to using terms like “anarchy” and “democracy” to
describe the levels with young children.
At first, I shared that reluctance.
These terms seem so advanced, especially for youngsters in kindergarten and
preschool. But the only reason they seem advanced is because we ourselves were
so much older when we first came across these words.
It may be helpful to remember that young children are constantly coming across
new words and abstract concepts. Children absorb new words quite readily. They
have no context for deciding whether any particular word is more “advanced” or
“difficult” than any other. For them, it’s just a new word. After all they
probably already know many abstract concepts like “empty” and “blue” and
“nothing.”
Many children like learning new $5 words. Makes them feel grown up, competent.
(NOTE: The above was from was from a post at
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/RaiseResponsibilitySystem.)
Remember that young people’s
brains are like sponges. They can absorb anything. The trick is to make meaning
of what is absorbed to enhance learning and memory.
Break “an/archy” up by teaching that the prefix “an” means “not,” “without,” or
“lacking”–in this case, “without rule.” Teach that “mono” means “one.” “Olig”
means “a few.” Therefore, monarchy (like a king) is rule by one person.
Oligarchy means rule by a few people. Anarchy means that there is no leader, so
people do anything they want–often without any regard for others.
If you use a word other than “anarchy,” my suggestion is to be sure it starts
with the letter “A” because, as time goes by, reference will be made to the
letters only (viz., Level A, B, C, or D). So “absence of order” works–but then
you need to teach what “absence” means.)
Here is an easy exercise to teach the concept of anarchy to the young. Tell them
that for the next two minutes they can do anything they want, but as soon as you
say, “FREEZE,” they must stop immediately what they are doing. Before beginning,
ask them if they would agree to this. Have them nod their heads up and down (in
the usual affirmative manner) before starting. Be sure every head is nodding.
Then say, “Go!” The youngsters will do all kinds of things– including teasing,
bullying, punching, and generally being wild.
After a full two minutes, command: “FREEZE!”
Then have the students congregate to describe the activity and how they behaved.
Conclude the lesson by announcing, “That was anarchy.”
IMPULSE MANAGEMENT POSTERS and CARDS
Learning a procedure to
respond appropriately to impulses is described on the Impulse Management link at
http://marvinmarshall.com/impulsemanagement.html
A REVISED VERSION of the CARD (not the poster) is now available and has been
posted at
http://marvinmarshall.com/cards.html
Level C for COOPERATION is in green, as is Level D. Although the goal is for
motivation to be on level D, either of these two levels is acceptable.
Level C for CONFORMITY has been added in YELLOW to remind students to
reflect–to be cautious (as in a yellow traffic signal)–before engaging in an
activity suggested by a peer. This is especially the case when the suggestion
will lead to inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.
