When a youngster makes a mistake or does something wrong, focus on the future, not on the past. It is counterproductive to harp on past unsuccessful behaviors.
For example, if you focus on the past, it might sound like, “You should have been more careful!” However, if you focus on the future, it would sound like, “What can we think of so that it won’t happen again?” (Notice the use of the collaborative “we,” rather than “you.”) … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Some people see the light only when they feel the heat. Two seventh grade students, Jason and Robert, illustrate this point. They already had three referrals sent home and were the type of students who would “push” as far as they can—the kind who prompts a teacher to wake up in the morning with a first thought of, “I hope Jason and Robert are absent today.”
Their teacher had gone as far as he could to help the boys become more socially responsible. The students understood “After three strikes, you are out.” This was still the first quarter and the teacher had expected to send the boys to the office, as all their other teachers had done. To his surprise, … >>>
READ MORE >>> →One of the traditional and ineffective discipline techniques is to lecture or tell a youngster what to do. Even though the intent of telling a child is worthwhile, the actual telling is perceived as an attempt to control. Telling creates defensiveness and a tendency to resist, and it does not engender desire. In other words, it does nothing to reduce discipline problems because it fails to motivate the child to want to change.
The only way that you can “motivate” another person—whether spouse or partner, child, friend, or employee—is to provide an environment by which that person wants to change. This is especially the case when it comes to a lasting change in behavior.
Reflect on the story that originated … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Parents often ask me what the Raise Responsibility System is all about. While this website has much information about the system, here are a few key points to help explain it:
As I like to remind parents, there isn’t any empowerment more effective than self-empowerment. Because being positive is so enabling, it is best to displace thoughts, communications, and discipline practices that are destructive. Continually ask yourself how what you want to communicate or the lesson you want to instill can be put in a positive way.
For example, saying, “You are bad tempered,” has the same meaning as, “You need to work on controlling your temper.” However, the first labels the person, whereas the second enables the person. People change more by building on their strengths and aptitudes than by working on their weaknesses. This does not mean that an area of weakness should not be worked on, but … >>>
READ MORE >>> →I recently came upon a poem that is worth sharing with anyone interested in responsibility or self-discipline. I share the poem with you, written by anonymous.
Responsibility Poem
I am responsible
for all that I do,
from turning in work
to making friends, too.
I choose if my room
will be messy or clean;
I also make the choice
to be kind or mean.
It is up to me
just how much I will learn;
the grades that I get
will be grades that I earn.
I make the choice
to be happy or sad,
to have a good day,
or have one that is bad.
So I will choose
what is best for me.
I am responsible;
I hold … >>>
READ MORE >>> →The media has recently been showing a video of violence in a Philadelphia high school. The news program I watched had two people of opposite political viewpoints sharing what they believed were the reasons for the violence in the school.
From my perspective, all the reasons were excuses.
Violent situations in schools will decrease when teachers are taught how to teach responsibility and impulse control. There is a way to reduce violence, and it is not through coercion or aiming at obedience, which is the approach usually employed.
Implementing the Discipline Without Stress® Teaching Model can make a significant difference in reducing discipline problems and violence in schools.… >>>
READ MORE >>> →I read an article today that a town in Wisconsin is going to attempt to reduce the number of bullying incidences by imposing fines on the parents of reported bullies. According the article, parents will be fined $114 within 90 days following a written notice about their child’s bullying; the fine will increase to $177 for each repeated instance of bullying within a year of the first violation. The goal is that once the parents are fined, they will discipline their bullying child, which will then stop the bullying.
Of course, bullying is wrong and needs to stop at all levels. However, I doubt this approach will work for three key reasons: 1) It is putting the responsibility not to … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Many reports have been in the news recently about adults having such poor self-discipline and impulse control that, when at a public sports event, they have cursed at and attacked the coach—and even the umpire. You may enjoy this commentary on the subject.
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? Do you know what a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded “Yes.”
The coach continued, “I’m sure you know that when … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Ben Carson is an American neurosurgeon and the director of pediatric neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins Hospital. He is also a professor of neurosurgery, oncology, plastic surgery, and pediatrics, and is the Director of Pediatric Neurosurgery at Johns Hopkins University. Among other surgical innovations, he did pioneering work on the successful separation of conjoined twins joined at the head.
In 2008, Dr. Carson was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the highest civilian award in the United States, by President George W. Bush.
As a youngster, Ben struggled academically throughout elementary school and emotionally with his temper. He was constantly in trouble.
What turned this avid television-watching youngster around? The answer: discipline and reflection leading to motivation.
First, his mother reduced … >>>
READ MORE >>> →By using rewards and imposed punishments as discipline strategies, we give children the easy way out—at the expense of their development and maturation. Rather than empowering them with responsibility and the gift of self-discipline, they quickly learn that temporary compliance will get them off the hook, either in the form of accepting a loss of privileges or writing apology notes that will right all wrongs. Many children would rather take the pain of imposed punishment than take the time to make difficult decisions and exert self-control.
When we use rewards and imposed punishments as motivational strategies, we are teaching kids to make their decisions based on someone else’s reaction. We reinforce the practice of people making their decisions based on … >>>
READ MORE >>> →How you structure an activity or arrange the environment can significantly reduce discipline problems with children.
In the elementary grades, this pertains to both indoor and outdoor activities. For example, establishing a “getting drinks” routine after vigorous playground activities is an example of an outdoor procedure. Children whose last names are in the first half of the alphabet will use the fountain by the restrooms. Those in the last half will walk to another designated drinking fountain. The person behind the drinker will slowly count to ten and then tap the drinker softly on the shoulder. Before initiating the procedure, have students experience it. Line up everyone for a dry run.
Another routine to curb discipline issues is to have … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Instead of relying on rules, consider using the term “responsibilities.” This is much more than a mere word choice. In contrast to “rules,” “responsibilities” empower and elevate. They are stated in positive terms, whereas rules are often stated in negative terms. When communications are in positive terms, there is a natural tendency for you to help rather than to punish. So, rather than using the term “rules,” consider using a term that describes what you want to encourage.
For example, you probably have some rules in your home that state:
House Rules
All of these statements are meant … >>>
READ MORE >>> →People assume that an external manipulator, such as a reward, causes young people to change. As a result, many parents offer children money for doing something they ask. They equate it to earning a salary at work. But remember, salaries in the job marketplace are contractual agreements of compensation for service. They are not bribes to manipulate behavior. When was the last time you looked at your paycheck and thanked your employer for the reward?
Of course, if the compensation were not satisfactory, the person may choose to look elsewhere. As an aside, many studies have shown that “merit pay” is a poor motivator and low on a list of employee priorities. Rewards like these also create more problems … >>>
READ MORE >>> →The keys to the success of using authority without being punitive are in using positive communications, empowerment of choice, and reflection. These practices instill the mindset that the objective is to raise responsibility, rather than to punish.
Punishment fosters evasion of responsibility and also has the disadvantage of increasing the distance between parents and children. A far more effective approach than punishment is to treat the situation as a teaching and learning opportunity.
Elicit from the youngster what the youngster can do to ensure that the situation will not be repeated. In this way, the young person creates and maintains ownership. The implicit message is that a person is responsible for his actions and that inappropriate action is being remedied. … >>>
READ MORE >>> →When I presented seminars last week in Phoenix, Arizona; Denver, Colorado; Billings, Montana; Salt Lake City, Utah; and Portland, Oregon, many teachers told me that they were mandated to implement Positive Intervention Behavior and Supports (PBIS).
The question then is, “How can you use Discipline without Stress while at the same time implementing PBIS?”
The answer is as follows. First, there is nothing in PBIS that mandates the teacher must give the rewards. Have the students perform the task of handing out rewards. When the task is delegated to students, they soon realize how unfair it is to reward some students who do what the teacher desires but not reward … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Four questions are particularly useful as a reflective activity to improve decision-making skills in older children. Although you can pose the questions orally, the responses can be in conversation or in writing. If the responses are to be written or typed on a computer, it should be the youngster’s decision whether or not to share with the parent. The parent merely requests that the written responses be kept should a future review of the situation prove necessary.
The set of four questions are:
1. What did I do? (acknowledgment)
2. What can I do to prevent it from happening again? (choice)
3. What will I do? (commitment)
4. What is my plan to help me fulfill my commitment? (procedure)… >>>
READ MORE >>> →Edmund Burke, the 18th century British statesman, said that manners are more important than laws. According to George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, “Without good manners human society becomes intolerable and impossible.” Manners are what make civilization civil. Hal Urban, author of Life’s Greatest Lessons: 20 Things I Want My Kids to Know, suggests holding discussions on manners.
Following are some questions that Urban suggests:
The following questions promote … >>>
READ MORE >>> →
