Volume 2 Number 2
IN THIS ISSUE:
1. Welcome
2. Promoting Responsibility
3. Increasing Effectiveness
4. Improving Relationships
5. Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:
How to Achieve 100 percent Student Participation.
6. Your Questions Answered
7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM
8. Public Seminars
9. What Others Are Saying About The Book
“DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”
1. WELCOME
My passion is to foster
responsibility. In my seminars and in my book, I refer to victimhood thinking
and how to teach young people to be VICTORS–rather than victims. With this in
mind, let me share a recent e-mail I received from my sister-in-law, Bobbie
Marshall.
Let’s see if I understand how America works lately.
If a woman burns her thighs
from the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the
restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer,
your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the
football captain, you blame the school for poor sex education.
If a neighbor crashes into a
tree while driving home drunk, he blames the bartender. If a cousin gets AIDS
because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, he blames the
government for not providing clean ones.
If your grandchildren are
brats without manners, you blame television. If your friend is shot by a
deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer. And if a crazed person breaks
into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet, and the passengers
kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.
So if I die while writing
about how to promote responsibility, I want you to blame my computer.
2. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY
I thought to keep in mind in
promoting responsibility with the young is not to do something for them that
they can do for themselves.
When we want the young person to do something and he
or she does not, oftentimes stress is induced–on the adult. The youngster is
aware of your emotions and (nonconsciously) derives a sense of power from it.
What he is doing–or not doing–is seen as directing your emotions.
Let’s assume the youngster
has a number of things to do and is laxidazical about doing them. You remind the
youngster–to no avail. Time passes. Another reminder is forthcoming with the
same result.
Rather than become
increasingly stressed, have a chat. The conversation will revolve around those
things which are to be done by the youngser. After listing them, establish a
procedure for each. I mean VERY SPECIFIC procedures.
If the task is homework, the
procedure lists exactly what and when preparations start and how the task will
be handled. A list is made which includes starting time, location, and necessary
materials to be on hand.
If other activities precede
homework, they are also listed–again including specifics. If the activity
before starting homework is play of some kind, items such as starting time for
cleanup and what criteria will be used to determine when cleanup is satisfactory
are listed.
The plan and list should be
ELICITED FROM THE YOUNGSTER. This ensures ownership. Of course, the adult can
offer suggestions and prompt further reflection by questions.
If the time for a scheduled
activity arrives without movement toward it, the parent simply queries, “Have
you checked your list?”
If there is not satisfactory
progress, then elicit the consequence from the youngster. The child may show his
stress by becoming emotional. Do not respond to the emotional outbreak. If you
do, you are sending the message, “Get emotional and you can have your way.”
Redirect your attention to something else until the outburst subsides.
Stress is oftentimes a
learning opportunity that promotes responsibility. And since the youngster is
the one whose behavior needs to change, the young one is the one who should have
the stress–not you.
3. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS
One of the most important
factors that study after study have shown–in terms of what is important to
students–is their feeling/belief that someone in school cares.
A significant factor in
asking a question is that there is an assumption that you care about the person
with whom your are conversing.
When communicating with
others, therefore, instead of thinking of the right thing to say, think of a
question to ask. The sooner you inculcate the mode of asking questions–instead
of telling–the less stressful it will be for you and the more successful you
will become.
Asking reflective questions
prompts the other person towards evaluation of their actions. Here are three
reflective questions which can assist your influencing others:
Is there any other way this
could be handled?
What would a responsible
action look like?
What do you think an
extraordinary person would do in this situation?
Remember that people change
themselves, and the most effective approach to influence others TO WANT TO
CHANGE is through a noncoercive approach. The most effective noncoercive
strategy is through prompting the person to reflect.
Consider: When you do the
talking, who does the thinking? When you do the asking, who does the thinking?
4. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS
Monty Roberts is a famous
horse trainer–the model for the Robert Redford film, “The Horse Whisperer.” The
trainer conducts demonstrations of how he trains wild mustangs. Monty grew up in
central California and, at age 12, started observing them. He now puts his
observations and experiences with horses to work with humans. As with the
strategies I share, his approach is one of oncoercion to effect behavior changes
and improve relationships. The strategy is in direct contrast to traditional
approaches of using coercion.
Here is how he trains a wild
mustang within 30 minutes in front of hundreds of people.
He gives instructions to the
audience and emphasizes that, during the demonstration, there can be no
movement. He admonishes the crowd that there can be no sound of any kind–that
if anyone needs to go to he bathroom to go then because everyone must be
absolutely still during the training. Monty explains that the horse listens
intently, and any sound can spook him.
The wild horse is then let
into the arena. The horse gallops around the ring 5, 10, 25 times before
realizing he cannot escape and that there is no threat to his safety. The
initial reaction by the animal is one of fear. (Especially with young people,
fear turns into hostility because being afraid is unpleasant.)
The human then puts on a
stance of attack. Monty rears up on one foot, knee bent, arms above his head,
torso crooked, and grimaces by showing his top and bottom teeth. The horse
panics. He gallops around the ring until he again concludes that nothing is
going to happen to him.
Monty returns to his usual
demeanor.
Then the audience, on cue,
simultaneously claps and hollers very loudly. The horse is spooked. He looks for
safety.
Horses have the ability to
classify. Classification means putting things into categories–things that are
alike and different. In this case, safe or unsafe.
In addition, as social
animals that live together, horses have a basic need for belonging. They, like
humans, relate with those with whom they feel safe.
After the arousal by the
crowd and looking for a place of safety, the horse turns to and approaches the
human. The trainer softly strokes the horse. The animal sought safety and found
it.
Monty starts walking around
the ring. The horse follows.
A few minutes later, another
man–dressed just like Monty–enters the ring carrying a saddle and blanket.
This man, like Monty, must
also be safe.
The horse trusts the man.
The saddle is put on. The horse is walked around the ring. The horse is softly
stroked. Safety has been reinforced. Monty mounts–and horse and rider continue
walking around the ring.
The crowd goes wild!
Trust is really the
foundation of any relationship. It assumes that you will be safe, that you will
not be harmed.
With people, trust also
carries with it an implicit message that the other person has your own best
interests in mind. That is why we can accept criticism and even anger from those
whom we trust. We know, deep down, that they really mean to help us.
Trust is an interesting
quality because, once it is lost, it is hard to recapture. Many a relationship
gasped its last breath on
the words, “I just do not
trust you any more.”
To have optimum
relationships, all parties must feel a sense of trust, a sense safety. The
feeling must be that harm will not be forthcoming–physically, emotionally, or
psychologically.
5. TEACHERS.NET: PROMOTING LEARNING:
How to Achieve 100 percent Student Participation.
My PROMOTING LEARNING
article onfor February, 2002, shows how to achieve 100 per cent
student participation. The article discusses how COMPETITION IMPROVES
PERFORMANCE but that COLLABORATION IMPROVES LEARNING. The instructional approach
of posing questions–rather than asking them–brings about a significant
increase in student learning.
http://teachers.net/gazette/FEB02/marshall.html
6. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED
Question:
Many of the teachers and
students at my high School are operating at the Democracy level. However, I am
used to operating at the Bullying and Conformity level. I became aware this
while listening to you. I will be working to change my approach. If you have any
suggestions, please let me know.
Response:
Dear High School Principal,
You have hit upon a
significant point which needs to be brought to the attention of school
administrators everywhere.
Every time you are about to
TELL, ask yourself this question: “How can I say this in a POSITIVE and
ENCOURAGING WAY? Example: “You are right on track. You may also want to consider
x x x x.
Note that telling is not the
same as sharing. Sharing is necessary and is noncoercive. Telling, on the other
hand, connotes criticism. The implicit message is that something needs to be
changed. Although change may be challenging, we often engage in it. In contrast,
no one likes to be told to change.
Another strategy is to ask a
reflective question. Example: “Can you think of anything else that should be
done?” This type of question is both positive and challenging.
Be sure the questions
engender positive feelings, are within the person’s ability, and are reasonable.
I once worked for a supervisor who asked questions that alienated people. His
questions prompted negative feelings because what he was asking was
unreasonable.
Asking reflective questions
is a skill. Anyone who wants to influence others should practice it. In fact,
asking reflective questions is one of the most important skills anyone can use
to effect change. Reflective questions are noncoercive, do not prompt feelings
of self-defensiveness, and improve relationships.
7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM
The failings of using
punishments and rewards to change young people’s behaviors is described on a new
website: http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.
8. PUBLIC SEMINARS
For Educators, Youth
Workers, and Parents
DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS,
PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
Promote Responsibility and Learning
SPONSOR: Staff Development
Resources/
California Elementary Education Association.
Request a brochure for
complete information by calling
800.678.8908.
Burbank, CA March 14
Ontario, CA March 15
Sacramento, CA March 19
South San Francisco, CA March 20
9. WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK:
“DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”
“Dr. Marshall is renowned
for his expertise in teaching, parenting, discipline, and motivation. This book
proves how well he also knows this new generation as his timeless principles are
remarkably effective in the new millennium.”
Eric Chester, President and
Founder
Generation Why, Inc.
Carried by:
National Association of
Elementary School Principals
National Association of Secondary School Principals
National School Boards Association
Phi Delta Kappa International
Performance Learning Systems
The Brain Store