Discipline Without Stress Newsletter – March 2002

Volume 2 Number 3

The newsletter comes a few days early this month because of my travel schedule. I will be tied up all of next week working with schools in Harlem and upper Manhattan as part of my contract with the New York City Board of Education, then present in San Francisco for the California League of Middle Schools, then to San Antonio to present at the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, then back to California where I share my views at the state Character Education Conference in Sacramento, and then back to Southern California where I present two public seminars–one in Burbank and the other in Ontario.(See #8 below for the Burbank and Ontario presentations.)  

Hi, Ev!

IN THIS ISSUE:

 1. Welcome

 2. Promoting Responsibility

 3. Increasing Effectiveness

 4. Improving Relationships

 5. Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:

How Standards Are More Effective than Rules

 6. Your Questions Answered

 7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM

 8. Public Seminars

 9.  What Others Are Saying About The Book
 “DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
 How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”


1. WELCOME


The

anniversary of my birth occurs in March. I wonder

why–as the years go by–time seems to go more quickly.

I think I have come upon the reason.

Think

about it: When you were five years old, a year was

one-fifth of your entire life. When you are fifty, it is

but one-fiftieth–a mere fraction of the whole.

I would like to think that this may be part of the

reason we learn some of the most important lessons in

life during our fifth year. It is in kindergarten that

socialization truly takes root.

In too many of today’s kindergarten classes,

academic skills are emphasized–even though some,

especially boys, may not be developmentally ready.

Perhaps we should reflect that an emphasis on academics

at too young an age deprives young people of what is

really important to learn in the fifth year of their

lives.

Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Really Need to Know, I

learned in Kindergarten,” offers a wonderful review. In

his own words, these are the things he learned:

Share everything.

Play fair.

Don’t hit people.

Put things back where you found them.

Clean up your own mess.

Don’t take things that aren’t yours.

Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.

Wash your hands before you eat.

Flush.

Warm cookies and milk are good for you.

Live a balanced life–learn some and think some and

draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work

every day.

Take a nap every afternoon.

When you go out into the world, watch for traffic,

hold hands, and stick together.

Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the

Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up

and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like

that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the

little seed in the Styrofoam cup–they all die. So do

we.


2. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY


Whenever

my students gave me an excuse for something within their

control, my standard comment was, “Responsibility finds

a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse.” The purpose of

this mantra wasto encourage responsible thinking and

behavior.

Since being responsible requires thinking, effort,

and choosing from a range of difficult decisions, many

young people nonconsciously convince themselves that it

is too insurmountable a challenge. Some blame others for

their problems without any thought as to responsible

responses to their problems (challenges). Others hope

that someone will come along and make everything right.

People can operate more responsibly if they have a

strategy.

One strategy is to ask young people the following

question: “If you wanted to be fully responsible right

now, what would you be doing?”

In most cases, the answer will be readily apparent.

It’s just a matter of listening to the responses and

acting upon them.

Another strategy is to use sentence-completion

exercises. For example, just for a week have them begin

the day by thinking of endings to each of the following

sentences:

-If I operate 5% more responsibly at school,

I will. . . .

-If I

operate 5% more responsibly at home,

I will. . . .

-If I

accept full responsibility for my own happiness,

I will. . . .

Young people find that this exercise–as the

question mentioned earlier–stimulates the mind to make

new neural connections which, in turn, acts as a prompt

to more responsible behaviors.


3. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS


The

question was recently asked, “What’s responsible for

feelings of self-confidence and of positive self-worth?”

The answer

quickly came: “Being unafraid of failure.”

Truly confident people–from business leaders to

politicians, from teachers to lawyers–simply are not

intimidated by the possibility of failure. They do fail,

but they don’t allow their actions to be altered by this

possibility.

Many people do not try to win; rather, they try not

to lose. They don’t try to succeed; they try desperately

not to fail. That is a sure route to nowhere, according

to Alan Weiss, a fellow member of the National Speakers

Association. He said, “I’d rather be going somewhere,

even if I fail to get there, than assuredly going

nowhere.” This was the message of the poster in my

classroom: “Better to try and fail than not try and

succeed.”

Wayne Gretzky, the great hockey player (who recently

coached the Canadian hockey team to a gold medal by

beating the American team in the Salt Lake City

Olympics) said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t

take.”

People who focus on success realize that with the

risk goes the reward.

Just for a moment, think of some challenge you have

had.

If you faced it and worked through it, as you look

back–although you may not want to repeat the

experience–you are better for the adversity. A smooth

sea never made a good sailor.

One of the most common comments I receive from my

seminars–and a section in my book is devoted to it–has

to do with the recognition that YOU CANNOT LEARN AND BE

PERFECT AT THE SAME TIME.

When we remove the fear of failure, we free

ourselves to innovate, to explore, to take a differet

direction, and to experiment. There is nothing

humiliating about failure, since it is seldom fatal. If

you don’t believe that, I suggest you read the

biographies of Lincoln, Edison, or Jackie Robinson–to

name a few.

How do we remove that fear of failure? The recipe is

really quite simple. Ask yourself these two questions:

-What is the worst that can happen? -Can I live with

that outcome?


4. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS


My wife,

Evelyn, and I presented a keynote session at a marriage

conference last month in Honolulu, Hawaii. Our

presentation was entitled, “HOW TO USE YOUR PARTNER’S

DIFFERENCES OF OPINION TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.”

At the

conclusion of the session, participants shared their

“keepers”–those ideas which they thought were most

meaningful to them.

Here are a few of them:

-Communicate using positive, rather than negative,

messages.

-Empower–rather than overpower–by offering

choices. No one loses when options are recognized.

-If you want the other to change, alter your own

behavior first. Treat your princess as one, and she will

become one. Treat your prince as one, and he will become

one.

-Listen to learn. Your partner’s different take on a

situation can be an opportunity to learn.

-Avoid listening in anticipation of what you think

you will hear.

-Be curious when you listen–instead of judgmental.

-Express

your desires. Give your partner the opportunity to help

you.


5. TEACHERS.NET: PROMOTING LEARNING:

How Standards Are More Effective than Rules


My PROMOTING LEARNING article on

<teachers.net/gazette> for this month shows how standards are more effective

than rules to change behavior. The article discusses how you will have more

success and less stress when sharing standards than you will have teaching

obedience to rules.


6. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED


QUESTION:

My two

daughters, aged 7 and 9, attend a school in Sydney,

Australia. Since they started there, I have been

disturbed by a commonly used practice in the school.

Children

are rewarded and punished through the use of a happy

versus a sad side of the board. Their names are placed

on either side according to their behaviour. Everyone in

the class can see the names. I fear for the children

whose names are frequently guests of the sad side.

To add to my discomfort, my 9 year old who has just

begun 4th grade has a new addition in her classroom to

the sad side. It is a “sorry song.” Children whose names

appear on the sad side are required to stand up in front

of the class at the end of the day and sing this song!

This is so very humiliating for those genuinely

regretful and fabulously rewarding for those attention

seekers amongst the sad side guests!

My 4th grader has also been introduced to a token

money system where children are rewarded with “class

money” for what is judged by the teacher to be good

behaviour. I see no consistency in this judgement and

feel it is arbitrary making it even more discouraging.

I wondered if you had any experience with such

practices. I struggle to see the positive in these

strategies and am concerned especially for the children

in my 4th grader’s class. I would value your opinion

Sincerely,

L G

RESPONSE:

Unfortunately, schools around the world are still

using antiquated and counterproductive approaches to

discipline young people.

Discipline comes from the same Latin root as the

word disciple: DISCIPERE–to teach or comprehend.

Children are developmentally incomplete. They

require socialization, instruction, and correction to

shape egocentric behavior into successful interpersonal

skills.

The crux of school discipline turns on how

instruction and correction are provided.

The literature on school discipline reflects what

the fields of applied behavior analysis and special

education have stressed for 40 years: Punishment,

especially punishment alone, cannot teach positive

behaviors.

The literature on negative consequences has

consistently demonstrated a host of serious side-effects

in using punishment-based approaches–including escape,

counter-aggression, and progressively stiffer

consequences.

Here is a suggestion. Go to the website,

http://www.AboutDiscipline.com. After reading it,

share it with the school principal.

Additional information and a more efficient and

effective way to discipline is found in the book at

http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com.

I am also sending you a letter I received and my

response, which will appear in my April article on

<teachers.net/gazette.>

Finally, insist that the teacher stop using the

approach of humiliating your child. Start by asking her

if s/he would like the principal of the school to use

the same approach on the teacher in front of the other

staff members. Young people, just like older people,

should be treated with dignity.

Persist in your endeavors. You will be doing right

for your children, the teacher, the principal, and the

school.


7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM


The failings of using punishments and rewards

to change young people’s behaviors is described on the website:

http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.


8. PUBLIC SEMINARS


For

Educators, Youth Workers, and Parents

DISCIPLINE

WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS

Promote Responsibility and Learning

SPONSOR:

Staff Development Resources/

California Elementary Education Association.

Request a

brochure for complete information by calling

800.678.8908.

Burbank,

CA March 14

Ontario, CA March 15

Sacramento, CA March 19

South San Francisco, CA March 20


9. WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK:

   “DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS

   How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”


“As a

parent, teacher, guidance counselor, speaker, trainer,

and author, I can confidently say this book is a dream

come true! Dr. Marshall addresses problem areas in each

of my roles. I am fascinated by his revolutionary

approach to rewards, punishments, and responsibility. I

am eager to integrate his ideas into my own philosophies

and behaviors and to recommend this treasure to others

in my training sessions.”

Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed.

Author and

Co-Producer of Successful Parenting

NOTE:

RELEASED IN FEBRUARY, 2001, THE SECOND PRINTING OF

10,000 BOOKS WAS ORDERED THE LAST WEEK OF FEBRUARY,

2002.

Carried

by:

National

Association of Elementary School Principals

National Association of Secondary School Principals

National School Boards Association

Phi Delta Kappa International

Performance Learning Systems

The Brain Store

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