Volume 2 Number 3
The newsletter comes a few days early this month because of my travel schedule. I will be tied up all of next week working with schools in Harlem and upper Manhattan as part of my contract with the New York City Board of Education, then present in San Francisco for the California League of Middle Schools, then to San Antonio to present at the Association for Supervision and Curriculum Development, then back to California where I share my views at the state Character Education Conference in Sacramento, and then back to Southern California where I present two public seminars–one in Burbank and the other in Ontario.(See #8 below for the Burbank and Ontario presentations.)
Hi, Ev!
IN THIS ISSUE:
1. Welcome
2. Promoting Responsibility
3. Increasing Effectiveness
4. Improving Relationships
5. Teachers.net: PROMOTING LEARNING:
How Standards Are More Effective than Rules
6. Your Questions Answered
7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM
8. Public Seminars
9. What Others Are Saying About The Book
“DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”
1. WELCOME
The
anniversary of my birth occurs in March. I wonder
why–as the years go by–time seems to go more quickly.
I think I have come upon the reason.
Think
about it: When you were five years old, a year was
one-fifth of your entire life. When you are fifty, it is
but one-fiftieth–a mere fraction of the whole.
I would like to think that this may be part of the
reason we learn some of the most important lessons in
life during our fifth year. It is in kindergarten that
socialization truly takes root.
In too many of today’s kindergarten classes,
academic skills are emphasized–even though some,
especially boys, may not be developmentally ready.
Perhaps we should reflect that an emphasis on academics
at too young an age deprives young people of what is
really important to learn in the fifth year of their
lives.
Robert Fulghum’s book, “All I Really Need to Know, I
learned in Kindergarten,” offers a wonderful review. In
his own words, these are the things he learned:
Share everything.
Play fair.
Don’t hit people.
Put things back where you found them.
Clean up your own mess.
Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
Say you’re sorry when you hurt somebody.
Wash your hands before you eat.
Flush.
Warm cookies and milk are good for you.
Live a balanced life–learn some and think some and
draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work
every day.
Take a nap every afternoon.
When you go out into the world, watch for traffic,
hold hands, and stick together.
Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the
Styrofoam cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up
and nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like
that. Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the
little seed in the Styrofoam cup–they all die. So do
we.
2. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY
Whenever
my students gave me an excuse for something within their
control, my standard comment was, “Responsibility finds
a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse.” The purpose of
this mantra wasto encourage responsible thinking and
behavior.
Since being responsible requires thinking, effort,
and choosing from a range of difficult decisions, many
young people nonconsciously convince themselves that it
is too insurmountable a challenge. Some blame others for
their problems without any thought as to responsible
responses to their problems (challenges). Others hope
that someone will come along and make everything right.
People can operate more responsibly if they have a
strategy.
One strategy is to ask young people the following
question: “If you wanted to be fully responsible right
now, what would you be doing?”
In most cases, the answer will be readily apparent.
It’s just a matter of listening to the responses and
acting upon them.
Another strategy is to use sentence-completion
exercises. For example, just for a week have them begin
the day by thinking of endings to each of the following
sentences:
-If I operate 5% more responsibly at school,
I will. . . .
-If I
operate 5% more responsibly at home,
I will. . . .
-If I
accept full responsibility for my own happiness,
I will. . . .
Young people find that this exercise–as the
question mentioned earlier–stimulates the mind to make
new neural connections which, in turn, acts as a prompt
to more responsible behaviors.
3. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS
The
question was recently asked, “What’s responsible for
feelings of self-confidence and of positive self-worth?”
The answer
quickly came: “Being unafraid of failure.”
Truly confident people–from business leaders to
politicians, from teachers to lawyers–simply are not
intimidated by the possibility of failure. They do fail,
but they don’t allow their actions to be altered by this
possibility.
Many people do not try to win; rather, they try not
to lose. They don’t try to succeed; they try desperately
not to fail. That is a sure route to nowhere, according
to Alan Weiss, a fellow member of the National Speakers
Association. He said, “I’d rather be going somewhere,
even if I fail to get there, than assuredly going
nowhere.” This was the message of the poster in my
classroom: “Better to try and fail than not try and
succeed.”
Wayne Gretzky, the great hockey player (who recently
coached the Canadian hockey team to a gold medal by
beating the American team in the Salt Lake City
Olympics) said: “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t
take.”
People who focus on success realize that with the
risk goes the reward.
Just for a moment, think of some challenge you have
had.
If you faced it and worked through it, as you look
back–although you may not want to repeat the
experience–you are better for the adversity. A smooth
sea never made a good sailor.
One of the most common comments I receive from my
seminars–and a section in my book is devoted to it–has
to do with the recognition that YOU CANNOT LEARN AND BE
PERFECT AT THE SAME TIME.
When we remove the fear of failure, we free
ourselves to innovate, to explore, to take a differet
direction, and to experiment. There is nothing
humiliating about failure, since it is seldom fatal. If
you don’t believe that, I suggest you read the
biographies of Lincoln, Edison, or Jackie Robinson–to
name a few.
How do we remove that fear of failure? The recipe is
really quite simple. Ask yourself these two questions:
-What is the worst that can happen? -Can I live with
that outcome?
4. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS
My wife,
Evelyn, and I presented a keynote session at a marriage
conference last month in Honolulu, Hawaii. Our
presentation was entitled, “HOW TO USE YOUR PARTNER’S
DIFFERENCES OF OPINION TO YOUR ADVANTAGE.”
At the
conclusion of the session, participants shared their
“keepers”–those ideas which they thought were most
meaningful to them.
Here are a few of them:
-Communicate using positive, rather than negative,
messages.
-Empower–rather than overpower–by offering
choices. No one loses when options are recognized.
-If you want the other to change, alter your own
behavior first. Treat your princess as one, and she will
become one. Treat your prince as one, and he will become
one.
-Listen to learn. Your partner’s different take on a
situation can be an opportunity to learn.
-Avoid listening in anticipation of what you think
you will hear.
-Be curious when you listen–instead of judgmental.
-Express
your desires. Give your partner the opportunity to help
you.
5. TEACHERS.NET: PROMOTING LEARNING:
How Standards Are More Effective than Rules
My PROMOTING LEARNING article on
<teachers.net/gazette> for this month shows how standards are more effective
than rules to change behavior. The article discusses how you will have more
success and less stress when sharing standards than you will have teaching
obedience to rules.
6. YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED
QUESTION:
My two
daughters, aged 7 and 9, attend a school in Sydney,
Australia. Since they started there, I have been
disturbed by a commonly used practice in the school.
Children
are rewarded and punished through the use of a happy
versus a sad side of the board. Their names are placed
on either side according to their behaviour. Everyone in
the class can see the names. I fear for the children
whose names are frequently guests of the sad side.
To add to my discomfort, my 9 year old who has just
begun 4th grade has a new addition in her classroom to
the sad side. It is a “sorry song.” Children whose names
appear on the sad side are required to stand up in front
of the class at the end of the day and sing this song!
This is so very humiliating for those genuinely
regretful and fabulously rewarding for those attention
seekers amongst the sad side guests!
My 4th grader has also been introduced to a token
money system where children are rewarded with “class
money” for what is judged by the teacher to be good
behaviour. I see no consistency in this judgement and
feel it is arbitrary making it even more discouraging.
I wondered if you had any experience with such
practices. I struggle to see the positive in these
strategies and am concerned especially for the children
in my 4th grader’s class. I would value your opinion
Sincerely,
L G
RESPONSE:
Unfortunately, schools around the world are still
using antiquated and counterproductive approaches to
discipline young people.
Discipline comes from the same Latin root as the
word disciple: DISCIPERE–to teach or comprehend.
Children are developmentally incomplete. They
require socialization, instruction, and correction to
shape egocentric behavior into successful interpersonal
skills.
The crux of school discipline turns on how
instruction and correction are provided.
The literature on school discipline reflects what
the fields of applied behavior analysis and special
education have stressed for 40 years: Punishment,
especially punishment alone, cannot teach positive
behaviors.
The literature on negative consequences has
consistently demonstrated a host of serious side-effects
in using punishment-based approaches–including escape,
counter-aggression, and progressively stiffer
consequences.
Here is a suggestion. Go to the website,
http://www.AboutDiscipline.com. After reading it,
share it with the school principal.
Additional information and a more efficient and
effective way to discipline is found in the book at
http://www.DisciplineWithoutStress.com.
I am also sending you a letter I received and my
response, which will appear in my April article on
<teachers.net/gazette.>
Finally, insist that the teacher stop using the
approach of humiliating your child. Start by asking her
if s/he would like the principal of the school to use
the same approach on the teacher in front of the other
staff members. Young people, just like older people,
should be treated with dignity.
Persist in your endeavors. You will be doing right
for your children, the teacher, the principal, and the
school.
7. ABOUTDISCIPLINE.COM
The failings of using punishments and rewards
to change young people’s behaviors is described on the website:
http://www.AboutDiscipline.com.
8. PUBLIC SEMINARS
For
Educators, Youth Workers, and Parents
DISCIPLINE
WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS or REWARDS
Promote Responsibility and Learning
SPONSOR:
Staff Development Resources/
California Elementary Education Association.
Request a
brochure for complete information by calling
800.678.8908.
Burbank,
CA March 14
Ontario, CA March 15
Sacramento, CA March 19
South San Francisco, CA March 20
9. WHAT OTHERS ARE SAYING ABOUT THE BOOK:
“DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS, PUNISHMENTS OR REWARDS
How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning”
“As a
parent, teacher, guidance counselor, speaker, trainer,
and author, I can confidently say this book is a dream
come true! Dr. Marshall addresses problem areas in each
of my roles. I am fascinated by his revolutionary
approach to rewards, punishments, and responsibility. I
am eager to integrate his ideas into my own philosophies
and behaviors and to recommend this treasure to others
in my training sessions.”
Barbara-Lynn Taylor, M.Ed.
Author and
Co-Producer of Successful Parenting
NOTE:
RELEASED IN FEBRUARY, 2001, THE SECOND PRINTING OF
10,000 BOOKS WAS ORDERED THE LAST WEEK OF FEBRUARY,
2002.
Carried
by:
National
Association of Elementary School Principals
National Association of Secondary School Principals
National School Boards Association
Phi Delta Kappa International
Performance Learning Systems
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