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STRESS MANAGEMENT for Living, Teaching, & Parenting

Discipline

Discipline and Learning

On January 13, 2014 / Discipline, Learning

People learn best when they feel safe—physically, socially, emotionally—and when they participate academically. When students feel anxious or believe that they will feel bad, learning is diminished. Unfortunately, many teachers inadvertently make students feel bad as a result of the discipline approach they use.

Manipulative discipline approaches of bribing by giving rewards for desired behaviors and coercive discipline approaches of imposing punishments are effective only for the moment. An important point to remember when relying on these “external” approaches is that they depend on someone else. They are useless when an adult is not around.

Aside from imposed punishments, even rewarding behavior can engender negative feelings—as when an award is expected but is not forthcoming. … >>>

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A New Approach to Discipline

On January 1, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

With the New Year upon us, many people are making resolutions to improve their relationships this year. Why not extend that to include improving relationships with youth? Whether you’re a parent or a teacher, you can take steps to make parenting a joy and teaching less stressful.

The usual approach to discipline is to teach toward obedience using rewarding, telling, and punishing. These are all various forms of manipulation, pressure, or coercion—and often induce stress and resistance. By contrast, if a discipline approach is used where students are motivated to be responsible, then obedience becomes a natural by-product.

Young people—pre-school through 12th grade—want to be responsible, but we are using ineffective approaches to help them. If you’re yearning … >>>

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Motivation and Discipline

On December 30, 2013 / Discipline

One of the goals of discipline is to instill in students the motivation to be responsible and to do what they need to do. Following are three ways to foster the internal motivation that leads to lasting self-discipline.

1. Create curiosity: Curiosity is perhaps the greatest of all motivators. Here is the difference between American and Japanese styles of teaching: In Japanese schools, students are immediately introduced to a problem or challenge. They grapple with it. Curiosity is naturally engendered. By contrast, in American schools the main idea(s) are presented, the solution is taught, and then students practice. Where is the curiosity engendered using this approach?

2. Create desire: Students are constantly asking themselves, “What’s In It For Me?” Since … >>>

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Consistency and Fairness in Discipline

On December 27, 2013 / Discipline

Consistency is important when using discipline, but so is fairness. How does a parent resolve a situation where, for example, two siblings are fighting? The usual approach is to impose the same consequence on both parties. But is equality the same as fairness when it comes to discipline? What if one sibling is continually the instigator? Since one individual may have started the incident and since each person’s sensitivity is different, imposing the same consequence on all parties is the least fair approach.

A more effective and fairer approach for discipline is to elicit a consequence or a procedure from each individual to redirect impulses that will help each youngster become more responsible. Of course, if you think that the … >>>

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Yesterday’s Discipline Techniques Won’t Work Today

On December 23, 2013 / Discipline

A reader wrote to me: “I have heard many teachers say with sadness or disgust, ‘Kids are not the same as they were when I started teaching.’ If students are different, how can the same way of dealing with their behavior still be effective? Isn’t it evident that the system of rewards and consequences is not working when the same students continually misbehave throughout their school careers in spite of all the opportunities for rewards they are offered and the numerous consequences they have incurred?”

This reader is correct! Kids are different today. These days, children are exposed to different environments than those in earlier generations. This is one of many reasons that traditional discipline approaches based on coercion are … >>>

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The Truth About Discipline

On December 18, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

In her book The Caring Teacher’s Guide to Discipline: Helping Young Students Learn Self-Control, Responsibility, and Respect, Marilyn Gootman writes that discipline is teaching self-control, not controlling or managing students.

And as Richard Sagor notes in his book At-Risk Students: Reaching and Teaching Them, an effective discipline program requires three particular, vital educational functions:

The maintenance of order
The development of internal locus of control
The promotion of prosocial behavior

All three are accomplished in an approach where the student acknowledges ownership of behavior, where the student self-evaluates, and where the student develops a plan. In the process, the student grows by becoming more self-regulated. As Sagor notes, the locus of control is internal.

This is in contrast to … >>>

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Positive Discipline vs. Discipline Without Stress

On December 9, 2013 / Discipline, The Teaching Model

Dear Marv:

Briefly, what would be the key similarities and differences between your Discipline without Stress and the Positive Discipline method promoted by Jane Nelson?

Thank you, Joanie,

===

Hi Joanie,

Although Jane and I have similar goals in that we both want to promote responsibility and reduce discipline problems, our approaches are significantly different.

Here are a few:

DWS does NOT award young people for being responsible. DWS expects responsible behavior.

DWS is totally noncoercive—although not permissive.

DWS does not use external approaches. DWS differentiates between offering bribes before doing something and acknowledgments AFTER doing it.

DWS has no interest in one’s past history or environment; it is only interested in present behavior.

DWS emphasizes the importance of teaching … >>>

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Thoughts on Discipline

On December 9, 2013 / Discipline

When teachers and parents discipline with stress, they are deprived of joy in relationships. Discipline, however, can be an opportunity, rather than a problem. As the French sociologist Emile Durkheim observed, discipline provides the moral code that makes it possible for the small society of the classroom to function.

Following are some thoughts about discipline from others. All of these echo the underlying concepts of the Raise Responsibility System—that discipline means both to teach and to learn, and that it’s a tool for teaching responsibility.

“Discipline in its highest notion is not punishment or self-punishment. It is rather something seminal to the self. It is our foundation. It is our architecture. It gives us structure. It allows us to … >>>

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5 Reasons Why Rewards are a Poor Discipline Strategy

On December 4, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

Here are the top 5 reasons why relying on rewards for discipline is a losing strategy:

1. Rewards Can Promote Failure: Rewards open the possibility of failure—failure to obtain the reward and failure to please the parent. In addition, the possibility of failure inherently brings fear of failure. When a child is afraid, the emotion is so powerful that thinking and effort are diminished.

2. Rewards Can Diminish Self-Confidence: Giving rewards on a regular basis can prompt youngsters to think the only things that are important are those for which they are rewarded. The result can be a diminished appreciation and disregard for their natural talents and preferences.

3. Rewards Infer an Unpleasant Task: Why would someone take the … >>>

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Instilling Self-Discipline

On November 20, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

The Hierarchy of Social Development, which is discussed in detail on this web site and in the book Discipline Without Stress, raises awareness for individual responsibility and promotes self-discipline. Teaching for a democratic society requires more than just choosing when to conform and when not to conform. When peer pressure is so compelling as to prompt people to do something that is personally or socially irresponsible, just knowing the levels of social development can have a liberating and responsibility-producing effect. As a result, discipline issues are diminished.

For example, a problem in many middle and high schools relates to studying and doing home assignments. Many students do not study or complete learning assignments because such effort is … >>>

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Discipline and Civility

On November 18, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

When teachers and parents discipline with stress, they are deprived of joy in relationships. Discipline, however, can be an opportunity, rather than a problem. As the French sociologist Emile Durkheim observed, discipline provides the moral code that makes it possible for the small society of the classroom to function.

Discipline is a tool for teaching responsibility. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens. John Goodlad, one of my former professors, said that the first public purpose of schooling is to develop civility in the young. Civility can only be achieved … >>>

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Ineffective Discipline

On November 15, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many teachers and parents reward young people for appropriate behavior. They believe this discipline approach is more effective and positive than using punishments.

In reality, using rewards as a discipline strategy is nothing more than a behavior modification approach to mold desirable behavior directly—without rooting it in ethical behavior (right or wrong, good or bad, just or unjust, moral or immoral). Using rewards operates at the lowest level of moral judgment, which is that behavior is good because it is rewarded.

Whenever I speak to parents or teachers who have used this manipulative approach, they reveal that while they thought using rewards was working when the children were young, now that the children are older they see the difficulties the … >>>

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Change Your View of Discipline

On October 21, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

The traditional model for attempting to change people has been authoritarian and aligned with coercive techniques, such as threats of punishment or bribes of a reward. But in the last number of years, society’s model has been that nobody needs to be submissive to anyone else. Everyone has rights. Authority and expected submissiveness are out. Everyone is equal. Notice how often you are called by your surname preceded by a title. Not very! Using given names is much more equalizing.

The information revolution is a major reason why coercion is not effective today. Information has always been a prime source of power and control. Only those in positions of authority possessed it, and they used it to their … >>>

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Teacher Consistency and Discipline Problems

On September 27, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Consistency in approach is important for youth. One common complaint I hear from teachers who use the Discipline Without Stress system is that it can be tough for students to experience consistency when all the faculty and staff in the school aren’t on the same page in terms of handling discipline problems.

That’s why I offer an In-House Staff Development package for schools, which promotes responsible behavior and increases academic performance.

Schools who engage in the training benefit because it helps reduce office referrals and suspensions, diminish bullying, increase safety, and enhance academic performance.

Teachers benefit because it improves classroom management skills, empowers teachers to better handle classroom disruptions, and reduces stress.

Student benefit because they start to behave more … >>>

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3 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Students

On September 18, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many children would rather be bad than stupid. So one reason why they misbehave is they don’t want to be failures. The Raise Responsibility System is the foundation for handling irresponsible behavior. However, some students require special discipline attention in order to help them become more responsible. Here are three suggestions to try.

1. Coach

Think of young people as lacking skills, rather than as being noncompliant. Few students are maliciously non-compliant. We teach young people how to swing a baseball bat, how to play a musical instrument, and how to drive a car. We do not give up on them, nor do we resort to imposed punishment. We coach them.

2. Give Start Directions

Students with short attention spans … >>>

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3 Keys for Stress-Free Discipline

On September 16, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Practicing the principles of positivity, choice, and reflection reduces stress. These three principles also improve relationships, increase effectiveness in influencing others to change their behaviors, and make discipline easier. Here are some key points to remember:

Negative comments engender negative attitudes, while positive comments engender positive attitudes. People who are effective in influencing other to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Rather than use consequences, which are usually perceived negatively and do not change the way a person wants to behave, they use contingencies, which promise with the positive and place the responsibility on the young person—where it belongs. If a consequence is necessary, a more effective approach is to elicit the consequence—which should be reasonable, respectable, and

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Change Yourself First

On September 13, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

If you’re having discipline challenges with a child or student, the natural tendency is to try to change the person’s behavior. That’s why coercive discipline techniques like using imposed punishments, rewards, and telling are so prevalent. But remember that no one changes another person; people change themselves.

To that end, if you want the people around you to change, the best place to start is with yourself. Change your own approach to handling the behavior. Change how YOU motivate the person to want to change.

To determine the best changes to make in yourself that will result in other person being motivated to change, ask yourself this important question:

“If I … >>>

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