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Encourage Neat Work Habits without Using Rewards

On March 11, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning

Getting children to care about their school work and do things neatly can be a challenge. As a result, many teachers offer rewards to encourage neatness. This, of course, is counterproductive, because it doesn’t instill the self-discipline to focus on producing neat work. Here are a few options to try instead of resorting to rewards.

Talk about neatness. Whatever you put your focus upon will increase!
Talk proactively. In other words, before a lesson begins discuss with the students what a great job would look like. This helps those children who really have no idea of what a good job looks like and it helps the other students who might not care too much about neatness otherwise. It sets everyone

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New Video About Discipline Without Stress

On March 6, 2014 / Discipline

I just posted a new video from my Discipline Without Stress training modules. If you want a quick lesson to improve your teaching, parenting, or leadership skills, view the video here.

If you like what you see, please share the link with your social networking and other friends.

The video gives a good overview of one of the reasons why Discipline Without Stress is more effective than traditional and coercive discipline approaches. I guarantee that if you implement what I share with you, both your professional and your personal life will become more effective and enjoyable.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the video. Please leave your comments below.… >>>

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Rewards versus Paychecks

On March 4, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

When it comes to the topic of using extrinsic rewards with children (such as money or stickers), people often say it’s okay because it’s the same thing as an adult getting a paycheck at the end of the week.

In reality, it’s very different.

Employment is a social contract. A person (the employee) provides a service, and in return the employer gives remuneration. The only thing a fee for service has in common with rewards (as acknowledgments or as incentives) is that they both MAY involve legal tender. When was the last time you looked at your paycheck and thanked your employer for the reward?

Additionally, would you go to work every day if you didn’t get paid? If you … >>>

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Stop Enforcing Rules

On February 27, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning

If a child breaks a rule, what is the parent or teacher’s natural tendency? To enforce the rule and dish out consequences (discipline) as a result of that rule being broken.

But if a child doesn’t follow a procedure, what is the adult’s natural tendency? To teach that procedure—to restate it, to seek understanding, to coach, to correct.

That’s a big difference.

Unfortunately, too many parents and teachers today are relying on rules rather than teaching procedures, and as a result they’re making their parenting and/or teaching journey much more difficult and stressful.

If your objective is to empower children, to motivate them to put forth effort in their learning, and to have them want to behave responsibly, referring to … >>>

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Discipline and Competition

On February 21, 2014 / Discipline, Parenting

Getting children to do what you want them to do can be a struggle. And when the struggle gets too stressful, many parents resort to discipline, either by imposing punishments (“If you don’t clean up this mess you’re going into timeout”) or by offering a reward (“If you clean your room we can go out for ice cream”). However, these external motivators are nothing more than coercive tactics that do little help children develop the internal motivation to want to do something.

Rather than disciplining the child to force compliance, try turning the situation into a competition, which will spark the child’s internal motivation to win. For example:

Instead of: “If you don’t clean your room you’re going into timeout.”

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Focus on Success

On February 19, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

No one is good at everything. We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses. Children are no different. Why, then, do so many teachers and parents expect perfection from their children in all areas—straight A’s in school, a star athlete, cast as the lead in the school play, volunteers in the community, plays the piano, etc? Some even go so far as to discipline a child for a weakness, by imposing a punishment if something isn’t up to spar or offering a reward if the child “tries harder.”

Of course, we should have high standards for youth. As Henry David Thoreau said, “Men are born to succeed, not fail.” Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow agreed with this concept … >>>

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The Three Tenets of the Discipline Without Stress Model

On February 17, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

If you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know by now that I discourage the use of imposed punishments, rewards, and telling as discipline strategies, and instead take a more stress-free approach to teaching and parenting. In fact, my parenting and teaching model is called Discipline Without Stress, and the three tenets of the model are positivity, choice, and reflection—all of which need to be fed. Doing so not only reduces stress, but it also increases parental and/or teacher effectiveness and improves relationships. Why? Here’s a brief synopsis of each.

Practice Positivity: Negative comments prompt negative feelings. Positive comments engender positive feelings, reduce discipline issues, and promote responsible behavior. Parents and teachers who are effective

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Raise Responsible Children, Not Obedient Ones

On February 14, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Which would you rather have: a child who does what you ask but only when you ask (an obedient child) … or a child who does the right thing even when no one is looking simply because it’s the right thing to do (a responsible child)?

Most parents and teachers choose the latter. But if that’s what we want, why are so many adults still using outdated discipline techniques that promote obedience rather than responsibility? Such techniques include telling young people what to do, punishing them if they do not, and rewarding them if they do. These approaches teach only one thing: obedience. The shortcomings of obedience appear when teachers and parents are not around to use these external motivators. … >>>

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Does Discipline Really Change Behavior?

On February 12, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents rely on outdated discipline techniques—such as imposed punishments and rewards—in an attempt to change their child’s behavior. But does discipline really change how a person acts?

The answer is “no.” Consider these two basic facts of life:

Any control of another person is temporary.
Attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.
Although you can control others, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

As long as parents believe they can change their child, they’ll have a natural tendency to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what the parent wants. But the fact is that you can’t change others. You can only change yourself.

Certainly, a parent can use … >>>

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2 Simple Ways to End Fighting and Discipline Challenges

On February 10, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Any parent can attest that at times their children—and especially adolescents—simply don’t like them. This usually occurs when the parent won’t let the child do something (like go to a party), or when the parent asks the youth to do something considered “not cool” (like drive the old “clunker” rather than the sporty new car).

Of course, few children will go down without a fight. They’ll whine and even scream things like, “You don’t understand,” or “I’m the only one who has to,” or “I’ll die if you don’t let me.” These are simply the youths’ attempt to have the parent relent.

However, many parents fight back and try to discipline the youth by imposing punishments or offering a reward … >>>

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What Teachers Can Do to Promote Responsibility

On February 7, 2014 / Responsibility

I always say that responsibility is taken, never given or told. In other words, using outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards won’t result in students acting responsibly. They must have the internal motivation to want to act a certain way.

With that said, there are things teachers can do to create an environment that fosters their students’ desire to be responsible. Here are a few:

When a student acts out, before resorting to the usual discipline techniques, remember that no one comes to school to get into trouble. Think of students as lacking skills to handle impulses—or that the behavior is the student’s best effort at the time to handle a frustration. Few students are maliciously disruptive.

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What to Say to Disruptive Children

On February 5, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Whether in the classroom or at home, all children act out at times. When it occurs, rather than discipline them by imposing a punishment if they continue or promising a reward if they stop, try a few verbal techniques that promote responsibility in the youth and reduce stress for you.

Rather than telling the child that he or she is off task, not doing something correctly, or acting irresponsibly, ask the child to reflect on the level of chosen behavior of the Raise Responsibility System’s hierarchy.
Children with short attention spans have a difficult time getting started on a task and staying on a task. Therefore, give clear, concise, directions. In the classroom, rather than just say, “Get ready

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Mindsets Influence Discipline

On February 3, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Your mindset drives your behavior and how you react to others. The same is true for children. As the adult, you can assist young people by the pictures you help create for them.

Here’s how mindsets specifically relate to discipline and behavior. If you view irresponsible behavior to be deliberatively disruptive, then you’ll likely employ coercive discipline approaches, such as imposed punishments, rewards, or telling/lecturing. As a result, chances are that you’ll experience poor relationships with the children you’re interacting with and lots of stress.

In contrast, if you perceive that the behavior is the youngster’s best attempt to solve a frustration or problem, then you’ll naturally view the situation as an opportunity to help and use noncoercive discipline approaches, … >>>

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The Benefit of Being Effective

On January 31, 2014 / Effectiveness

Being an effective parent and person in general is all about having the discipline to make good choices. We all have the freedom to choose how we act, what we say, how we respond to situations and challenges, how we treat other people, and how we deal with an impulse. Each choice, no matter how small, is always accompanied by a cost, a consequence, or a result. If, for example, you watch a television program, it was at the “cost” of not doing something else. If you get angry and kick the machine you are working on, the cost or consequence can be a broken toe. If you create a relationship with a server at a restaurant by asking the … >>>

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5 Reasons Why Rewards Don’t Reduce Discipline Challenges

On January 27, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

Too many parents and teacher rely on rewards. They believe that if they reward children for doing something good, the need for discipline will decrease. In fact, rewards don’t reduce discipline issues because they don’t teach children how to be responsible. Here are 5 reasons why rewards don’t work.

1. Rather than a discipline strategy, a reward is actually a bribe. Young people do not need bribes to be good.

2. Rewards can be great incentives—if the person chooses to work toward the reward. If the person is not interested in the reward or does not work toward receiving the reward, it is not much of an incentive.

3. Rewards can be wonderful acknowledgments. They serve to give … >>>

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12 Reasons Why Imposed Punishments are Poor Discipline

On January 24, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

In the classroom, punishment as discipline is too often used for those who don’t need it. These students will respond without punitive action.
Imposing punishment moves ownership from the student to the teacher.
Imposing punishment is teacher-dependent. The threat of punishment may coerce a student to act appropriately in one class but have no effect on the way the student interacts with others outside of that class.
By the time students have reached the secondary level, some have been lectured to, yelled at, sent out of the classroom, kept after school, referred to the office, suspended in school, suspended from school, and referred to Saturday school so often that these students simply no longer care.
Behavior may temporarily change at

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