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Choose Your Reactions

On December 11, 2013 / Effectiveness

We’ve all been in situations that can put us in a bad mood: traffic jams, dealing with unruly children, interacting with rude co-workers … the list goes on. But have you developed the self-discipline to choose your reaction to the situation?

I admit that while in the midst of a stressful situation, it’s hard to consciously choose to stay positive or to not let something upset you. In that moment, negativity may surround you, and negativity is very contagious. That’s why I recommend everyone develop a procedure for dealing with stressful situations. My favorite is the Stop, Think, and Go procedure, which I explain here.

Whatever procedure you opt to use for yourself and to teach your children, the … >>>

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Positive Discipline vs. Discipline Without Stress

On December 9, 2013 / Discipline, The Teaching Model

Dear Marv:

Briefly, what would be the key similarities and differences between your Discipline without Stress and the Positive Discipline method promoted by Jane Nelson?

Thank you, Joanie,

===

Hi Joanie,

Although Jane and I have similar goals in that we both want to promote responsibility and reduce discipline problems, our approaches are significantly different.

Here are a few:

DWS does NOT award young people for being responsible. DWS expects responsible behavior.

DWS is totally noncoercive—although not permissive.

DWS does not use external approaches. DWS differentiates between offering bribes before doing something and acknowledgments AFTER doing it.

DWS has no interest in one’s past history or environment; it is only interested in present behavior.

DWS emphasizes the importance of teaching … >>>

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Thoughts on Discipline

On December 9, 2013 / Discipline

When teachers and parents discipline with stress, they are deprived of joy in relationships. Discipline, however, can be an opportunity, rather than a problem. As the French sociologist Emile Durkheim observed, discipline provides the moral code that makes it possible for the small society of the classroom to function.

Following are some thoughts about discipline from others. All of these echo the underlying concepts of the Raise Responsibility System—that discipline means both to teach and to learn, and that it’s a tool for teaching responsibility.

“Discipline in its highest notion is not punishment or self-punishment. It is rather something seminal to the self. It is our foundation. It is our architecture. It gives us structure. It allows us to … >>>

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What Teachers Really Do

On December 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, teachers are not just in the teaching profession; they are also in the relationship, marketing, and motivation professions. How can I assert that? Consider these points:

Relationships are key: Students will not learn from (or take discipline from) someone they do not like. For many people, including youth, relationships are their most prized possession. The aphorism is true: People don’t care how much you know until they know that you care.

Marketing matters: Today’s students have so many diversions that they do not come to school, sit at the teacher’s feet, and say, “Teach me.” Successful teachers create curiosity. They make learning meaningful, enjoyable, and challenging. But most of all, they motivate students to learn. In

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5 Reasons Why Rewards are a Poor Discipline Strategy

On December 4, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

Here are the top 5 reasons why relying on rewards for discipline is a losing strategy:

1. Rewards Can Promote Failure: Rewards open the possibility of failure—failure to obtain the reward and failure to please the parent. In addition, the possibility of failure inherently brings fear of failure. When a child is afraid, the emotion is so powerful that thinking and effort are diminished.

2. Rewards Can Diminish Self-Confidence: Giving rewards on a regular basis can prompt youngsters to think the only things that are important are those for which they are rewarded. The result can be a diminished appreciation and disregard for their natural talents and preferences.

3. Rewards Infer an Unpleasant Task: Why would someone take the … >>>

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Influence and Discipline

On December 2, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Here are four common ways to influence people (and the four most common approaches to discipline):

Coercion or force: Discipline by threat or punishment is the approach here. This works as long as the threat is more powerful than the desire to resist it.
Offering an incentive or reward: With young people, the incentives are generally those that appeal for immediate satisfaction, rather than to those that build responsible character development and mature values. This discipline approach is commonly used in homes and schools to get the young to do what the adult wants. It promotes a mindset of, “What will I get for doing it?” and leads to long-term selfishness, as many studies have demonstrated.
Cooperation: This is how

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Responsibility and Choice

On November 27, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Social scientists have determined that we accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have chosen to perform it in the absence of outside pressure, such as a large reward.

The incentive or reward may get us to perform a certain action, but it won’t get us to accept inner responsibility for the act. Consequently, we won’t feel committed to it. The same is true of a strong threat; it may motivate immediate compliance, but it is unlikely to produce long-term commitment.

These conclusions have important implications for parents and teachers. It suggests that we should not use bribes (rewards) or threats (punishment) to discipline children or coerce them to do the things we want them to do. … >>>

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Self-Esteem and Discipline

On November 25, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

My concern with the current self-esteem movement we see in all facets of life is that it encourages approaches that address the person, rather than the action. For example, rather than saying, “I’m proud of you for getting such a good grade,” simply saying, “Well done!” is more meaningful and sends a more empowering message. Saying, “I see you made your bed” fosters feelings of self-competence. In contrast, saying, “I’m so proud of you for making your bed,” encourages making decisions to please the parent.

Acknowledgment accomplishes the intent of praise but without the disadvantages. It fosters feelings of being worthwhile, without relying on the approval of others. The long-range effect is to engender self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-discipline, … >>>

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Reduce the Need for Discipline

On November 22, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

When dealing with a disruptive child or student, many parents and teachers use rewards or punishments as a way to discipline the youngster. While this approach might give some short term results, it doesn’t help the child develop long-term self-discipline skills.

Rather than use rewards or punishments, try one of these three strategies to redirect youth. They are more effective discipline techniques and encourage responsibility.

Acknowledge On-Task Behavior: Acknowledge in private when the student is on task. Do not be concerned about interrupting the student at work; the student will let you know if it is bothersome.

Encourage: Encourage students. It raises their aspirations. Robert Danzig rose from office boy to president of his company because Margaret Mahoney, his office

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Instilling Self-Discipline

On November 20, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

The Hierarchy of Social Development, which is discussed in detail on this web site and in the book Discipline Without Stress, raises awareness for individual responsibility and promotes self-discipline. Teaching for a democratic society requires more than just choosing when to conform and when not to conform. When peer pressure is so compelling as to prompt people to do something that is personally or socially irresponsible, just knowing the levels of social development can have a liberating and responsibility-producing effect. As a result, discipline issues are diminished.

For example, a problem in many middle and high schools relates to studying and doing home assignments. Many students do not study or complete learning assignments because such effort is … >>>

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Discipline and Civility

On November 18, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

Discipline is a tool for teaching responsibility. The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens. John Goodlad, one of my former professors, said that the first public purpose of schooling is to develop civility in the young. Civility can only be achieved … >>>

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Ineffective Discipline

On November 15, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many teachers and parents reward young people for appropriate behavior. They believe this discipline approach is more effective and positive than using punishments.

In reality, using rewards as a discipline strategy is nothing more than a behavior modification approach to mold desirable behavior directly—without rooting it in ethical behavior (right or wrong, good or bad, just or unjust, moral or immoral). Using rewards operates at the lowest level of moral judgment, which is that behavior is good because it is rewarded.

Whenever I speak to parents or teachers who have used this manipulative approach, they reveal that while they thought using rewards was working when the children were young, now that the children are older they see the difficulties the … >>>

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Develop the Discipline to NOT Help

On November 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

We all want to help others in need, especially when the person in need is a child. But sometimes, the best way to help people is to stop helping them.

Of course, not helping someone is difficult. Teachers and parents, by nature, are helpers. They don’t want to see children struggle. However, rather than do the task for the other person, have the discipline to back off. A simple question like, “Well, what do you think about that?” or “What do you think we should do?” or “What would you like to see happen?” prompts the person to reflect, entices a solution to a challenge, and even encourages self-discipline.

If you think about it, this approach makes sense. It’s something … >>>

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Seek Out the Positive

On November 11, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

An old saying tells us: “If you can’t say anything nice about a person, then don’t say anything at all.”

That’s great advice, not only for your communications with others, but also with yourself. In other words, if you can’t say (or think) something nice about yourself, then don’t say (or think) anything at all … unless you can exert the discipline to turn it around to positive self-talk.

The practice of positivity—with others and yourself—is so important that it’s the first practice of the Discipline Without Stress model. The opposite, of course, is negativity. In building relationships with children and adults, negativity is the biggest enemy.

Don’t allow negative ideas that pop into your mind to direct your thoughts. … >>>

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Nurture Responsible Behavior

On November 8, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

We’ve all heard the old saying that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” But that’s not true. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.

The fact is that the grass is greenest where you water it. So if you want responsible behavior, you can’t just expect it to just happen. You must tend to it. Are you watering the seeds of responsibility in your own children and students?

You nurture responsible behavior by having high expectations, promoting decision-making at early ages, not accepting victimhood thinking, and not doing things for young people that they can do for themselves.

Remember, people grow … >>>

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Reflective Questions worth Memorizing

On November 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting

Throughout this blog you’ll find many discussions about the power and importance of using reflective questions with children. Of course, knowing why something is vital is much different than knowing how to implement it. Therefore, below is a list of some reflective questions worth memorizing. To make it easier, I’ve categorized the questions so you can see which situations they work best in. I suggest everyone memorize these questions. As you practice using reflective questions and try out new ones on your children or students, add them to your own list.

For Getting On Task

Does what you are doing help you get your work done?
If you would like to get your work done, what would be your first

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Laser Learning

On November 4, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning

Laser learning refers to thinking and talking in short segments to increase retention.

Since the brain recalls in images and experiences, the learner first transforms key points into a few words to form a mental image. This is laser thinking. In order to get information to stick, the learner then “laser” talks by relating his image to another student—in no more than thirty or forty-five seconds. The short thinking and talking times generate just the right amount of stress to make learning most effective. This is a brain-chemical experience, not a social one.

The process has nothing to do with the other person’s listening or giving the learner feedback. It has to do with forcing the learner to … >>>

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