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When Adults Differ on How to Discipline Youth

On February 18, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

Even though you may be following the principles in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, you may find yourself in a situation where another adult who interacts with your child prefers to use coercive methods of discipline, such as punishments, rewards, and lecturing. These well-meaning adults may even try to convince you that what you’re doing is incorrect—that children need strict discipline or that rewards are the only way to get youngsters to do anything.

If you ever find yourself in such a situation, let the other adult know that you are NOT against punishments or all rewards. But you are against stress, IMPOSED punishments, and rewarding young people for what they should be doing.

Explain to them … >>>

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Start Promoting Discipline and Responsibility When Children are Young

On February 15, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

Fostering responsibility and instilling a sense of discipline in children should start at a very young age. For example, a young child sits in the highchair having milk. When finished, the infant throws the bottle away. The youngster hears the “thump” sound and likes it. When the mother picks up the bottle, the infant is getting a message that, to a certain extent, the mother can be controlled.

The mother decides that she is not going to let her child behave this way. The mother does not discipline by threatening or punishing; she simply makes sure her hand is ready when the baby finishes the milk. She then removes the bottle and cleans his face while talking to him. The … >>>

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A Simple Way to Curb Discipline Problems

On February 4, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

People of all ages want security; they want to know where they stand. A prime reason that young people “test” adults is that young people want to know their limits. With this in mind and with the belief that it is only fair to tell people the consequence resulting from an inappropriate behavior, many parents (and schools) inform young people ahead of time of the consequences for specific actions. In other words, children know how they will be disciplined prior to misbehaving.

A typical school example is the consequence for coming to a class late. It’s common to hear teens say that nothing happens until the third tardy; therefore, as their thinking goes, it is okay to come to class … >>>

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Weaning Off Rewards to Promote Responsibility

On February 1, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

So many parents and teachers believe that it is necessary to give young people a reward for doing the right thing that it is a challenging endeavor to stop the practice. But rewards don’t promote responsibility, which is why they need to stop.

A parent asked how to wean her child off the rewards system. Here is what she wrote:

How do I wean my five-year-old son from expecting rewards? He’ll make his bed, straighten all his shoes, and hang up his clothes, all without being asked, and then he comes running up to me with a smiling face and says, “NOW can I have something?” Oh, boy! Have I turned his taking responsibility into a reward? Do I then

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Learning How to Promote Responsibility

On January 31, 2013 / Discipline, Learning, Responsibility

There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student, who already had much training and learning from other teachers, looked eager and ready to learn. He said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”

The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”

The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your … >>>

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Simple Techniques for Dealing with Sibling Squabbles

On January 30, 2013 / Discipline, Parenting

Positive sibling relationships can be a source of strength for life, whereas unresolved early conflicts can create wounds that never quite heal. Parents need not intervene in every quarrel. However, parents should obviously intervene whenever an argument turns violent or threatens to do so.

For example, when an older child is hitting his baby sister, the parent intervenes immediately and makes it clear that hurting others is not acceptable. The same is true for verbal abuse between siblings that leaves one or both angry or with negative feelings about the other. Establish guidelines, such as treating the word “hate” as a forbidden one and not allowing “shut up” between siblings. A “no hitting, no hurting” expectation can be established so … >>>

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Stephen Covey on Learning

On January 29, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Relationships

Being positive with oneself and others, being aware that we always have a choice in our responses, and using reflection to actuate behavioral change is, for most of us, a paradigm shift in learning. Implementing these three noncoercive practices promotes responsibility, increases our effectiveness, improves our relationships, and reduces stress.

In a way it is, as Stephen Covey says, like being fitted for and wearing new glasses. It takes a little learning and getting used to, but the brain adapts by making new neural connections. The more we practice, the stronger the reinforcement, the more glial cells our brain manufactures, and the easier and more creative we are in the use of the principles.

So as not to … >>>

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Conflict Resolution that also Promotes Responsibility

On January 28, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Conflicts between teenagers are inevitable. The key is being able to resolve the conflict in a way that promotes discipline and responsibility. Here’s an example of what one parent wrote in:

I have two sons, ages 13 and 15. They fight all the time. It’s not just a punch here and a shove there; it escalates to a down-and-out brawl! My older son tells me that I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one. My younger son has a quick-fire temper; he just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates. When they each tell me how a fight started, they both have a different story. Whom do

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Reflective Questions Lead to Self-Discipline

On January 25, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept.

So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what … >>>

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Acknowledgments vs. Praise

On January 24, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting, Responsibility

Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages of giving praise.

Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when a youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase that starts with “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT. By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction.

Notice the difference in the following examples:

“I am so pleased with the way you treated your brother,” versus “You treated your brother with real consideration.”
“I like the way you are working,” versus “Your working shows good effort.”
“I’m so proud of you for your grades,” versus “Your grades show you are

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Competition, Rewards, and Discipline

On January 23, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Human beings, especially of the male gender, are competitive. Competition is a natural part of our culture. Newspapers, magazines, and other media are full of information on business and sports, both based on competition and highlighting “winners” who receive rewards in some form.

No one can doubt the importance of rewards as motivators. However, as with anything in life, context is critical. Because competition and rewards spur performance, does that mean that competition is also best within a family? Is it wise for husbands and wives or siblings to compete? Or should they collaborate for the benefit of the family team?

The topic of reward comes up often in this blog. And as past posts explain, rewards can serve as … >>>

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Posture Training and Discipline

On January 22, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning

Posture training, in which teachers are taught to correct their children’s manner of sitting, is considered a “traditional” approach to education.

A classic example of the importance of learning the self-discipline of posture training is described in a Master’s thesis by Ann Matthews, entitled Implications for Education in the Work of F. M. Alexander. (The “Alexander Technique” is a famous approach to good posture.) Matthews worked with teachers and students in a school in New York State. She wrote the following:

“A teacher calls her six- and seven-year-olds to gather around her on the floor and listen to a story. Most sit cross-legged with their spines collapsed into a curve and their heads pulled back onto their necks as they … >>>

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Use Choices to Improve Relationships

On January 18, 2013 / Parenting, Relationships

Here is an important concept for all parents to remember regarding relationships: Not losing is more important than winning. Children’s desires will not always be fulfilled, but as long as they are aware that they have a choice as to their responses, they are not put in a position where they feel that they lose—which naturally prompts negative feelings.

No one likes being cornered, literally or figuratively. The belief of not having a choice encourages resistance because it prompts a feeling of being trapped. When a child is without options, the result is not only resistance but also resentment. By contrast, offering choices ensures that a child’s power and dignity are retained.

As a parent, you are choosing … >>>

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Discipline and Anger

On January 17, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

You can utilize three approaches to discipline yourself to handle anger. They are: (1) You can let the emotion express itself (and thereby become a victim of it); (2) You can inhibit it (and live with the stress); or (3) You can control it by redirecting your attention.

The most successful approach is the third alternative. Redirecting your thinking controls any emotion because emotion always follows cognition. Your self-talk or thinking—along with input from your senses (what you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch)—becomes your awareness. Therefore, redirecting your thoughts automatically controls your emotions because emotion follows your attention.

This is not new. My grandmother told my mother to clean the stove when she was angry. Of course, what … >>>

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Discipline Teaches Responsibility

On January 16, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens.

Unfortunately, many adults rely on external methods to “control” children. These include rewards, punishments, lecturing, and telling. While teachers and parents who engage in these external methods of control may succeed in getting students and children to toe the line under their supervision, what happens when the adults is not around?

As one teacher who uses external controls said, “My students are very good for me, but they can be holy terrors when I’m not around.” Research points to the same conclusion: … >>>

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Reducing Stress with Disagreeable People

On January 15, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Reducing stress with disagreeable people requires some education and self-discipline—as indicated in the following comment that was sent to me from a reader of my free monthly newsletter. The article referred to follows his comment.

“After reading, ‘To accept yourself fully is to recognize that not everyone you meet will like you and that you will never be perfect,’ I gave myself an assignment: Look forward to an encounter with that Disagreeable One in my day. Now I was ready with my changed attitude: I didn’t have to win that person over. I could shrug it off and not keep emotional baggage. It was liberating and allowed me to find other times for making a working job relationship. I discovered … >>>

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Children Learn What They Live

On January 14, 2013 / Parenting

I came across this poem recently and thought the overall message fit nicely with the themes contained in the Discipline & Parenting Without Stress models.

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn … >>>

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The Teen Brain Myth

On January 11, 2013 / Parenting

I often come across articles about how an incompletely developed brain accounts for the emotional problems and irresponsible behavior of teenagers. Is this true, or is it a myth?

It is true that teenagers, by virtue of their hormonal changes, are prone to be emotionally volatile, unpredictable, self-absorbed, and hypersensitive. However, the IMMATURE BRAIN that supposedly causes teen problems is nothing more than a myth. Most of the brain changes that are observed during the teen years lie on a continuum of changes that takes place over much of our lives.

In addition, some of these myths are based on studies of brain activity of teens as compared to adults. But snapshots of brain activities have nothing to do with … >>>

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