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Use Choices to Build Responsibility

On October 15, 2012   /   Learning, Parenting, Responsibility  

Offering children choices promotes the most important skill for success in life: the skill of making responsible decisions. Responsible behavior is directly related to the number of responsible choices a person makes. Positive discipline approaches—of which offering choices ranks high on the list—motivate children to want to act responsibly because it feels good and because children realize it is in their best interests to do so. In contrast, if we deprive people of choices, we deprive them of positive motivation. By giving children opportunities to make decisions starting early in life, we prepare them for greater success as adults living in the 21st century.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, manufacturing led and fed the economy. There were few … >>>

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Cognitive Dissonance and Learning

On October 11, 2012   /   Learning  

Cognitive dissonance is a distressing mental state in which people find themselves doing things that don’t fit with what they know, or they have opinions that conflict with other opinions they hold. Wikipedia explains it this way: “The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the importance of any one of the dissonant elements.”

The concept of cognitive dissonance is best illustrated by Aesop’s fable about the fox and the grapes.

The fox tried in vain to reach a cluster of grapes that were dangling from a vine above his head. Although the fox leaped high … >>>

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Paint Positive Pictures

On October 10, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Practicing positivity requires painting positive mental pictures. Let’s see how this works. Imagine you have just arrived at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The lobby is full of people waiting to be seated. The host says to you, “I don’t have any tables right now. You’ll have to wait 30 minutes.” Now picture the same situation again, except this time the host says to you, “I’ll have a wonderful table for you in half an hour.” Notice the difference in how you received the information. The chances that you’ll actually wait to eat at the restaurant are greater in hearing the second message.

Why? Because the brain thinks in pictures, rather than in words, so the words you … >>>

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Aristotle and Achieve the Honorable

On October 9, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Learning  

For over 200 years the name Aristotle (384 – 322 B.C.) was virtually synonymous with philosophy. His most influential doctrine included the notion that morally virtuous people seek moderation in all things. He also believed that as people get older, they seek happiness. The great philosopher proposed that this state is achieved primarily through achieving the honorable.

As I walked to high school every day for three years, I saw Hollywood High School’s motto prominently displayed: ACHIEVE THE HONORABLE. Last weekend I had the honor of speaking at Alumni Day at Hollywood High School and mentioned that the motto was no longer there. The old sign had been replaced with an electric sign giving the name of the school—but … >>>

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Use Creative Solutions

On October 8, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

The more frequently we remember to take a positive approach, the greater the chances of reducing stress, building trust, avoiding conflicts, and increasing satisfaction and contentment. Creative thinking, however, may be called for in order to achieve these benefits.

This was the case with the two boys and the husband who invariably left their soiled clothes on the floor rather than putting them in the hamper. The sight of the dropped clothes so bothered the wife and mother that she indiscriminately scolded all members of the family. She then asked herself, “How can I turn this into a positive situation for me, as well as for them?” She came up with an idea.

She told her family that whenever she … >>>

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2 Simple Techniques to Promote Responsibility

On October 5, 2012   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

At times children—and especially adolescents—will not like what is required of them and will act as if they do not like their parents. Remarks such as, “You don’t understand,” or “I’m the only one who has to,” or “I’ll die if you don’t let me,” are attempts to have the parent relent and say “Yes” when the parent knows it is really best not to allow what the youth desires.

In these situations, the parent should focus on what is best for the youngster in the long run. However, in the process, the child needs to understand the reasons for the decision.

A simple technique to employ when a “No” needs to be given is to place the challenge … >>>

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Socrates’ Wisdom

On October 4, 2012   /   Learning  

Socrates, the classical Greek philosopher, was charged with and later executed for corrupting young people and for impiety against the Athenian gods. What Socrates really did, though, was challenge people’s thinking.

The Oracle of Delphi, a religious figure revered for her wisdom, was asked if she knew anyone wiser than Socrates.

The oracle replied that no one was wiser.

When Socrates learned of this statement, he was puzzled. He did not consider himself wise. On the other hand, the oracle would not be mistaken.

In order to determine what the oracle meant, Socrates talked to other Athenians—to ask them questions about themselves. In these discussions, Socrates discovered that people were far from being the authorities they were supposed to be. … >>>

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Choices Improve Behavior

On October 3, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Choices are a critical component of fostering responsibility and influencing behavior. The reason is that choice brings ownership; it fosters a sense of independence and also empowers. Offering options engages a youngster in cooperation and is much more effective than giving commands. 

The choices can be limited, but the sooner a young person starts to make choices, to exercise decision making, the more responsible the youngster becomes. Of course, the choices must be ones that satisfy both parties. Suppose a youngster is asked to suggest a chore he will do. If the chore the youngster offers is not satisfactory, then the parent asks, “What else?” The same two words “What else?” “What else?” are repeated until both parties agree. Offering … >>>

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What You See is What You Thought

On October 2, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Learning, Relationships  

The old story of the two strangers coming to town periodically needs to be reviewed.

An old man was sitting at the gate of a city when a stranger approached.

“Tell me, old man,” said the stranger. “What kind of people live in this city?”

The old man thought for a minute and said, “I don’t know. What kind of people lived in the city where you came from?” 

“They were the biggest bunch of thieves you would ever want to meet,” said the stranger. “They’d steal the shirt right off your back.”

The old man said, “You’ll find them the same way here.”

A short time later, another stranger approached and asked the man the same question: “What kind … >>>

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3 Tips for Promoting Positivity

On October 1, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

We’ve all read books about the power of being positive, and we’ve probably listened to a few speakers expound on the topic. Why, then, are many people still so negative, both at home and at work? Perhaps people have been so focused on why they need to be positive rather than on how to do it. To help put positivity in perspective, here are a few strategies for practicing it that will affect all areas of your life.

1. Check your perception.

Do you perceive that people in your life are deliberately acting irresponsibly or pushing your buttons, or do you view the behavior as the person’s best attempt to solve a frustration? Your perception directs how you will react… >>>

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Put the Child in Charge

On September 28, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Everyone likes being in charge of something, even something small. Adults and children alike need a sense that something in their world is within their control. Therefore, if you want your children to exhibit responsible behavior, put them in charge of the exact behavior you want them to display.

For example, suppose you have a school-aged daughter who is always getting up from the table during dinner, thereby disrupting the environment you want to maintain during mealtime. In this case, think of the exact opposite behavior of what your daughter is doing and put her in charge of that responsibility. You could say, “Hanna, I need your help. I want you to be in charge of having all members of … >>>

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Discipline Without Stress in Iraq

On September 27, 2012   /   Discipline, Learning  

I received an interesting package from Iraq yesterday. In it was a book written in Arabic. The only words I could read on the cover were “Dr. Marvin Marshall.”

Hike Samuel Artin, a teacher in Baghdad, Iraq, has been using the Raise Responsibility System—part of the Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model—in his classes for a number of years. He asked my permission to publish my education book, Discipline Without Stress® Punishments or Rewards: How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning.

The book has been published by “Beit Al-Hikma,” a publishing house in Baghdad that was founded in the 16th century. And the book in the package was the final product.

Interestingly, Iraq is attempting to promote democracy, … >>>

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Change, Choice, and Ownership

On September 26, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Throughout this blog and website, and in the Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress books, you’ll find much written about the importance of offering choices to young people. Why? Because offering choices eliminates coercion simply and easily. By implementing this one practice, you will enable your children to make wiser decisions, become more responsible, increase their cooperation, reduce stress on all concerned, and increase your joy of parenting.

Chances are that you would like to bring about some change(s) in your family dynamics. Two requirements are necessary for change. The first is the awareness that a change is necessary. The second is ownership. Choice brings ownership because people do not argue with their own choices. Lasting change only … >>>

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Longer Life with an Open Mind

On September 25, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Learning  

Can your personality impact how long you live? Perhaps.

Researchers have long been studying the connection between health and personality traits. In particular, they’ve been looking at openness, which measures cognitive flexibility and the willingness to entertain novel ideas. Recent studies have linked the personality trait of openness with lower metabolic risk, higher self-rated health, and more appropriate stress responses.

How is this possible? It seems that creativity is associated with openness. Apparently, the trait leads to creative thinking that reduces stress and keeps the brain healthy.

One possible reason why creativity is protective of health is that it draws on a variety of neural networks within the brain. Creativity maintains the integrity of neural networks even into old age. … >>>

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To Eliminate Discipline Challenges, Teach Procedures

On September 24, 2012   /   Discipline, Parenting  

A major mistaken assumption many parents make is that a youngster knows how to do something without the parent’s first modeling, teaching, practicing, and sometimes reinforcing the activity or procedure. A simple example is requesting a youngster to put dirty dishes in the sink. Taking the time to teach the youngster a procedure for how to rinse the dishes and utensils and where to place them can prevent future frustrations.

Another common example is that children often need to take certain items to school each day. To help a child, the parent might typically say, “Remember to take your lunch,” or “Remember to take your key.” But rather than the parent’s having the responsibility of reminding the child, the family … >>>

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Listen to Learn

On September 21, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

If I were limited to one recommendation that would improve relationships between parent and child, especially with teenagers, it would be listen to learn. Listening and valuing young people’s feelings and ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with them.

Listen to learn means not inserting one’s opinion and not judging what the youngster says while the youngster is speaking. Parents have a natural tendency to approve or disapprove of young people’s statements. Parents’ first reaction is to evaluate from their own point of view and then approve or disapprove of what the youngster says. This is listening autobiographically. The tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all conversations, but it is much … >>>

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Education for Self-Control

On September 20, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

If young people are going to resist constant internal impulses, they need to be taught one vital skill: Self-regulation.

In Dunedin, New Zealand (a lovely city and their center of the Great Highland Bagpipes), every other year teachers and parents evaluate each child between the ages of three and eleven on levels of aggression, hyperactivity, lack of persistence, inattention, and impulsivity. These ratings, along with those from the children themselves, result in a self-control score for every child.

Here are some interesting conclusions from their long-term study:

  • At 32 years old, the boys and girls who had had lower scores were poorer, had worse health, and were more likely to have committed a crime than those exhibiting more self-control.
  • Poor
… >>> READ MORE >>> →
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Avoid Negative Language

On September 19, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Your words have the power to make a situation positive or negative. For example, if you start a phrase with the word “unfortunately,” you immediately create a negative mindset in the person receiving the message. The word conjures up that something bad or unpleasant is about to follow, and whatever you say after “unfortunately” will be viewed negatively. The same holds true with the word “but” because it has a tendency to negate whatever comes before it; for example, “Yes, you can go with your friends but you need to be back by nine o’clock.” Substituting the word “and” for “but” eliminates the negative connotation: “Sure you can go with your friends and be back by nine o’clock.” It creates … >>>

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