Parenting

Recognize Styles

On November 9, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships  

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. No style is good or bad, right or wrong. Neither is one style better or worse than another; they are just different. Jung articulated a theory of personality behavior styles that he believed are genetically determined.

Styles can be discerned by watching young children and examining how they process experiences. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing.

In Parenting Without Stress, we use the four style descriptions of Thinker, Feeler, Doer, and Relater. To better understand this concept, visualize a directional scale with a thinker in the north, a feeler in the south, a … >>>

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One Trick for Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline

On November 5, 2012   /   Discipline, Parenting, Responsibility  

Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept. So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what … >>>

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Promote Responsibility by Asking for Assistance

On November 2, 2012   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

Just as no one can place knowledge or wisdom into the head of another, no one can make another person responsible. Although responsibility can be delegated, it does not become effective until taken. A much-overlooked opportunity is for young people to help parents.

In former generations, the parents were the center of the household and children were expected to assist in the running of that household. Very often in today’s family, the emphasis is on giving to children, rather than on the children doing the giving.

An effective way for parents to gain respect and assistance is to refrain from doing some favors for their youngsters and let their youngsters perform services for them. A simple way to do this … >>>

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Positivity, Choice, and Reflection in a Nutshell

On October 24, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Positivity, choice, and reflection are to be fed. They reduce stress, increase parental effectiveness, and improve relationships. Why? Here’s a brief synopsis of each.

  • Negative comments prompt negative feelings. Positive comments engender positive feelings and responsible behavior. Parents who are effective in influencing their children to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Positivity creates an atmosphere in which children feel valued, supported, respected, motivated, capable, and proud.
  • Either consciously or nonconsciously, people are always choosing how to respond to any situation, stimulus, or impulse. Teaching young people about choice-response thinking—that they never need think of themselves as victims—is one of the most valuable thinking patterns we can give them. This type of thinking teaches the difference between
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The Facts about Changing Others

On October 22, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

The third practice for parenting without stress and for raising responsible children is called Reflection. In order to understand the power and significance of reflection, you need a clear understanding of two basic facts of life:

  • The first is that any control of another person is temporary.
  • The second is that attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.

As long as we believe that we can change another person, there is a natural tendency for a parent to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what we want.

Just for a moment, think of one person with whom you have had a personal relationship—a child, spouse, significant other, parent, … >>>

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Use Choices to Build Responsibility

On October 15, 2012   /   Learning, Parenting, Responsibility  

Offering children choices promotes the most important skill for success in life: the skill of making responsible decisions. Responsible behavior is directly related to the number of responsible choices a person makes. Positive discipline approaches—of which offering choices ranks high on the list—motivate children to want to act responsibly because it feels good and because children realize it is in their best interests to do so. In contrast, if we deprive people of choices, we deprive them of positive motivation. By giving children opportunities to make decisions starting early in life, we prepare them for greater success as adults living in the 21st century.

In the 19th and 20th centuries, manufacturing led and fed the economy. There were few … >>>

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Paint Positive Pictures

On October 10, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Practicing positivity requires painting positive mental pictures. Let’s see how this works. Imagine you have just arrived at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The lobby is full of people waiting to be seated. The host says to you, “I don’t have any tables right now. You’ll have to wait 30 minutes.” Now picture the same situation again, except this time the host says to you, “I’ll have a wonderful table for you in half an hour.” Notice the difference in how you received the information. The chances that you’ll actually wait to eat at the restaurant are greater in hearing the second message.

Why? Because the brain thinks in pictures, rather than in words, so the words you … >>>

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2 Simple Techniques to Promote Responsibility

On October 5, 2012   /   Parenting, Responsibility  

At times children—and especially adolescents—will not like what is required of them and will act as if they do not like their parents. Remarks such as, “You don’t understand,” or “I’m the only one who has to,” or “I’ll die if you don’t let me,” are attempts to have the parent relent and say “Yes” when the parent knows it is really best not to allow what the youth desires.

In these situations, the parent should focus on what is best for the youngster in the long run. However, in the process, the child needs to understand the reasons for the decision.

A simple technique to employ when a “No” needs to be given is to place the challenge … >>>

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Choices Improve Behavior

On October 3, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Choices are a critical component of fostering responsibility and influencing behavior. The reason is that choice brings ownership; it fosters a sense of independence and also empowers. Offering options engages a youngster in cooperation and is much more effective than giving commands. 

The choices can be limited, but the sooner a young person starts to make choices, to exercise decision making, the more responsible the youngster becomes. Of course, the choices must be ones that satisfy both parties. Suppose a youngster is asked to suggest a chore he will do. If the chore the youngster offers is not satisfactory, then the parent asks, “What else?” The same two words “What else?” “What else?” are repeated until both parties agree. Offering … >>>

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3 Tips for Promoting Positivity

On October 1, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

We’ve all read books about the power of being positive, and we’ve probably listened to a few speakers expound on the topic. Why, then, are many people still so negative, both at home and at work? Perhaps people have been so focused on why they need to be positive rather than on how to do it. To help put positivity in perspective, here are a few strategies for practicing it that will affect all areas of your life.

1. Check your perception.

Do you perceive that people in your life are deliberately acting irresponsibly or pushing your buttons, or do you view the behavior as the person’s best attempt to solve a frustration? Your perception directs how you will react… >>>

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Put the Child in Charge

On September 28, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Everyone likes being in charge of something, even something small. Adults and children alike need a sense that something in their world is within their control. Therefore, if you want your children to exhibit responsible behavior, put them in charge of the exact behavior you want them to display.

For example, suppose you have a school-aged daughter who is always getting up from the table during dinner, thereby disrupting the environment you want to maintain during mealtime. In this case, think of the exact opposite behavior of what your daughter is doing and put her in charge of that responsibility. You could say, “Hanna, I need your help. I want you to be in charge of having all members of … >>>

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Change, Choice, and Ownership

On September 26, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Throughout this blog and website, and in the Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress books, you’ll find much written about the importance of offering choices to young people. Why? Because offering choices eliminates coercion simply and easily. By implementing this one practice, you will enable your children to make wiser decisions, become more responsible, increase their cooperation, reduce stress on all concerned, and increase your joy of parenting.

Chances are that you would like to bring about some change(s) in your family dynamics. Two requirements are necessary for change. The first is the awareness that a change is necessary. The second is ownership. Choice brings ownership because people do not argue with their own choices. Lasting change only … >>>

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To Eliminate Discipline Challenges, Teach Procedures

On September 24, 2012   /   Discipline, Parenting  

A major mistaken assumption many parents make is that a youngster knows how to do something without the parent’s first modeling, teaching, practicing, and sometimes reinforcing the activity or procedure. A simple example is requesting a youngster to put dirty dishes in the sink. Taking the time to teach the youngster a procedure for how to rinse the dishes and utensils and where to place them can prevent future frustrations.

Another common example is that children often need to take certain items to school each day. To help a child, the parent might typically say, “Remember to take your lunch,” or “Remember to take your key.” But rather than the parent’s having the responsibility of reminding the child, the family … >>>

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Listen to Learn

On September 21, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

If I were limited to one recommendation that would improve relationships between parent and child, especially with teenagers, it would be listen to learn. Listening and valuing young people’s feelings and ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with them.

Listen to learn means not inserting one’s opinion and not judging what the youngster says while the youngster is speaking. Parents have a natural tendency to approve or disapprove of young people’s statements. Parents’ first reaction is to evaluate from their own point of view and then approve or disapprove of what the youngster says. This is listening autobiographically. The tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all conversations, but it is much … >>>

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Education for Self-Control

On September 20, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

If young people are going to resist constant internal impulses, they need to be taught one vital skill: Self-regulation.

In Dunedin, New Zealand (a lovely city and their center of the Great Highland Bagpipes), every other year teachers and parents evaluate each child between the ages of three and eleven on levels of aggression, hyperactivity, lack of persistence, inattention, and impulsivity. These ratings, along with those from the children themselves, result in a self-control score for every child.

Here are some interesting conclusions from their long-term study:

  • At 32 years old, the boys and girls who had had lower scores were poorer, had worse health, and were more likely to have committed a crime than those exhibiting more self-control.
  • Poor
… >>> READ MORE >>> →
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Avoid Negative Language

On September 19, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Your words have the power to make a situation positive or negative. For example, if you start a phrase with the word “unfortunately,” you immediately create a negative mindset in the person receiving the message. The word conjures up that something bad or unpleasant is about to follow, and whatever you say after “unfortunately” will be viewed negatively. The same holds true with the word “but” because it has a tendency to negate whatever comes before it; for example, “Yes, you can go with your friends but you need to be back by nine o’clock.” Substituting the word “and” for “but” eliminates the negative connotation: “Sure you can go with your friends and be back by nine o’clock.” It creates … >>>

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Build on Success

On September 10, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

No child wants to fail or intentionally get into trouble. Henry David Thoreau said, “Men are born to succeed, not fail.” Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow agreed with this concept when he declared that it is a basic human need to strive toward success and self-actualization. 

People improve more by building on their strengths than by working on their weaknesses. This does not mean that a weakness should be ignored, but it does mean that the emphasis should be on what the child can do, rather than on what the child cannot do. The simple belief that something can be done is the spark that ignites action. When a child is first learning a skill, it is the successes—not the … >>>

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Focus on the Important

On September 7, 2012   /   Parenting  

When it comes to parenting, it’s important to choose your battles. While clashes may be unavoidable, it is not necessary to get pulled into every skirmish or make a bid deal about everything the child does. An effective strategy here is to ponder the answer to the question, “Will this matter a week from now?”

As a rule of thumb, only make a fuss about those issues that are harmful to the youngster or others, or are irreversible.

For example, I know one four-year-old girl who likes to put Hello Kitty bandages on her arms and legs when she has no physical need for a bandage; rather, she wears them like jewelry. I know a thirteen-year-old boy who wears a … >>>

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