Relationships

Dr. Alan R. Zimmerman, a fellow member of the National Speakers Association, writes an electronic newsletter and has some thoughts on forgiveness that deserve sharing.

There are times when you’ve been wronged, but the other person neither shows remorse, nor apologizes, nor makes amends.

To help you help yourself, a particular type of forgiveness should be employed. Without it, you become stuck with the hot emotion of bitterness or revenge.

How do you deal at those times when you’ve been wronged? How do you get through the hurt caused by someone else’s thoughtlessness or malicious disregard?

First, accept the fact that LOVE AND PAIN GO TOGETHER. If you love someone or something, you are vulnerable. Love anything and your heart … >>>

Thanks to John Esposito for allowing me to share the following incident and story to promote self-discipline.

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Our school has a 25% population of Native American students. I had a 4th grade student in the office for a discipline issue. I work hard to be as noncoercive as possible according to your approach. After discussing the incident and getting to the point of doing the right thing because it’s the right thing to do, I decided to relate the story of Two Wolves. Someone gave it to me and I do not know its origin. It goes like this:

An elder Cherokee Native American was teaching his grandchildren about life. He said to them, “A fight is going on … >>>

It is a hard fact but a true one: We can outgrow friendships just like we outgrow shoes. Understanding this concept can significantly help young people who have a strong desire to want to be like others and want to feel that they are their friend’s “best friend.” It is often “painful” for young people to see their “best friend” associate more with others than with themselves.

Some good advice for young people (and for older ones, too) is to find new interests, make new friends, and find fun things to do. By being your own best friend, you will always have one friend on whom you can rely. Learning to like yourself—HAVING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP WITH YOURSELF—is one … >>>

When you hear someone communicating negativity, imagine being surrounded by a Pyrex glass shield. It rebuffs all negativity—allowing only positivity to flow through. You will find that you can continue to converse and stay involved with those around you, but you won’t be affected by their negativity.

As silly as this sounds, it works.

To slightly rephrase how the poet, Anonymous, put it:

— — —

People may be illogical and self-centered.
Treat them with positivity anyway.

If you do good, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives.
Do positive things anyway.

The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty may make you vulnerable.
Be honest anyway.

People favor top dogs.
Fight for some … >>>

Assume everything you say about another person can be overheard by that person.… >>>

The church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church’s morals kept nosing into other people’s business. Several church members were unappreciative of her activities but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being a drunk after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing.

George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and then walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing.

Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of her house . … >>>

A mistake is an honest acknowledgment of an error of judgment, devoid of any self-incrimination or self-diminution. We all commit them. If we used the option of allowing a simple acknowledgment of a mistake, how much clearer and more joyful life would be!

A woman was standing in a grocery line in front of an elderly man. He hollered at her continually, telling her to move her merchandise closer to the cashier—even though there were other customers in front of her also patiently waiting in line.

The lady finally turned and stated, “Your behavior is rude. Is that your intention or a mistake?”

What an easy way to prevent hard feelings!… >>>

Principals who desire to improve their schools, and teachers who want to improve their students’ academic achievements, need to keep in mind what psychologist Abraham Maslow conveyed years ago, viz., People must FEEL cared for and cared about BEFORE they will take risks necessary to achieve.

Students too often receive messages in the form of words, gestures, actions, and bulletin board postings of achievements that convey to them that they must achieve well in order to be thought of as worthy.

Too many educators fail to realize that, with so many students, the foundation of success rests in human relations. This is especially the case with young students and students in poverty—where relationships are their most prized possessions.

At one … >>>

Will what I am about to do or say bring me closer
or will it push me away farther from the person with whom I am communicating?… >>>

People of all ages have an innate desire to feel included. This is especially important to remember for those who work with youth who have a compelling feeling to be accepted.

Even when the person is different from others, when the young person FEELS INCLUDED, the natural human desire to belong is met. Without that necessary feeling, everything else takes a subservient role and its effectiveness is significantly diminished.… >>>

If we think that life is growth and that we should strive to grow—not only intellectually but emotionally as well—we accept comments by others (oftentimes called criticism) as being in our own best interest.

Accepting such comments with a positive spirit depends on two criteria: (1) we trust the person and understand that what the person is sharing with us is in our own best interests and (2) the comments are specific to the situation. Certain terms are avoided, such as ALWAYS, as in, “You always….” or you NEVER, as in, “You never….”

Think of a physician giving you a diagnosis. You don’t react negatively. You accept it because you have faith that what the physician is sharing with you … >>>

Here is a simple but highly effective idea to improve relationships:

Periodically ask yourself, “Am I a joy to be around?”… >>>

If you ask yourself how you know someone cares for you, one of your responses is likely to be that you know because the person listens to you.

Ask a husband about a good wife, and he is likely to say that he knows his wife cares for him because she listens to what he has to say. Ask a wife about a good husband, and she’ll respond that he listens to her.

When the parent says, “It’s about time you started listening to me,” the youngster may be thinking, “It’s about time you started listening to me.”

Even if we are saying something that is not really worth listening to, we still want someone to listen to us.

Ask … >>>

Make it your habit not to be critical about small things in other people.

More ideas on this topic are available at http://marvinmarshall.com.… >>>

Saying, “I’m sorry,” or “I was wrong and you were right,” or “I screwed up” requires a certain amount of security and maturity. Such statements, said in sincerity, are very difficult for some people of the male gender to say. Yet, no other phrase (s) can do more to improve relationships.

When we do not admit an error or a mistake, in a sense, it is a striving for perfection. In the book (pages 150-152) I refer to perfectionism as a burden that no human should ever carry.

More information on this topic is available at http://marvinmarshall.com.… >>>

Have a discussion and perhaps a writing exercise on the following comment by the poet Maya Angelou:

“I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

More information on this topic is available at http://marvinmarshall.com.… >>>

People don't buy from someone they don't like—at least not in the long run.

In a sense, leaders, teachers, and parents all market.

Leaders market vision and empowerment, teachers market information, and parents market their role-modeling.

Every so often, it pays to reflect on whether you are marketing yourself as you desire.

More information on this topic is available at http://marvinmarshall.com.… >>>

I purchased a mobile phone that has a place for an opening message. I inserted, “smile.” Now each time I open my cell phone, I see that message.

A smile is a small gesture with a powerful impact. In American culture, we’ve come to expect people to smile when we meet them.

The late pianist/comedian Victor Borge put it another way when he described a smile as “the shortest distance between two people.” Greeting someone with a warm smile is the best way to introduce yourself, and it sets the stage beautifully for any discussion that follows.

Check your smile in the mirror. As you step toward it—before you see yourself—smile. Then look at yourself. Is it really a happy … >>>