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STRESS MANAGEMENT for Living, Teaching, & Parenting

Responsibility

Resolve Sibling Fights

On October 28, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Siblings are prone to bickering and fighting. Sometimes, however, the fighting gets out of hand and becomes excessively physical. When this occurs, it’s common for each sibling to have a very different version of how the incident started, making disciplining either of them very difficult and unfair.

As a parent, how can you stop sibling fighting, and how can you get the children to respect each other (and you) again? How can you get them to act responsibly without the threat of imposed discipline? The stress of daily fights isn’t good for anyone, so here is one effective approach.

Next time a fight occurs, have each sibling write down his/her version of how the fight started and then come up … >>>

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Points on Level C Behavior

On October 23, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

A teacher new to the Discipline Without Stress methodology asked me a clarification question about explaining Level C behavior to children. As she said, “I have a hard time trying to explain to kids that this level is acceptable … BUT WATCH OUT … it might not be! This is what I’m not sure how to handle. I know it’s best if the hierarchy is simple and easy to understand because then using it is straight forward, but since Level C has a potential negative aspect as well as the positive one it seems important to help kids understand.”

I responded by using the analogy of a traffic signal.

Red = NO (Don’t go.) (Levels A and B)
Yellow = … >>>

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Living is an Art

On October 21, 2014 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

I came across the following advice that I shared in my newsletter over a decade ago. Its message is still applicable today. And while it requires much self-discipline to practice it, the rewards are worth it.

Living is an art, and we have a responsibility to enjoy it.

An artist cannot be continually wielding the paintbrush. The painter must stop at times to freshen the vision of the object, the meaning of which the artist wishes to express on the canvas.

Living is also an art. We dare not become so absorbed in its technical process that we lose our consciousness of its general plan. We should pause every so often in our brushwork to reflect and refresh our vision. … >>>

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Classroom Discipline and Inappropriate Language

On October 7, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

It seems that in today’s world, many classroom discipline issues revolve around students using foul language. If you’ve ever dealt with this problem, you have likely realized that traditional discipline techniques do virtually nothing to stop it from reoccurring. Therefore, here’s what I suggest teachers do.

First, discuss the words “appropriate” and “inappropriate.” For example, pajamas are not worn to school, you no longer drink from a baby bottle, and you don’t yell at your parents if you want something from them. These are simply inappropriate behaviors. Similarly, when inappropriate or foul language is used at school, it is an attempt to gain favor or show off. Everyone seeks, desires, and wants feelings of competency, importance, and wishes to be … >>>

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Switching from Imposing Discipline to Promoting Responsibility

On September 4, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

No one has an inherent desire to obey—to be told what to do—not even children. However, when responsibility is promoted, obedience follows as a natural by-product.

Of course, learning how to promote responsibility in others takes practice and patience. Going from the mindset of imposing discipline to one of promoting positivity, asking reflective questions, and offering guides choices takes time. No matter how long you’ve been teaching, making the switch to the new methodology will be fraught with ups and downs. The key is to be persistent, no matter how many setbacks you encounter.

To illustrate how unrealistic it is to expect yourself to make an overnight transformation in your approach, consider this story:

A rich woman walked up to … >>>

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Encourage Responsible Thinking

On July 31, 2014 / Responsibility

Whenever my students gave me an excuse for something within their control, I didn’t discipline them in the traditional ways. Rather, my standard comment to them was, “Responsibility finds a way; irresponsibility finds an excuse.” The purpose of this mantra was to encourage responsible thinking and behavior.

Since being responsible requires thinking, effort, and choosing from a range of difficult decisions, many young people nonconsciously convince themselves that it is too insurmountable a challenge. Some blame others for their problems without any thought as to responsible responses to their challenges. Others hope that someone will come along and make everything right.

People can operate more responsibly if they have a strategy. One strategy is to ask young people the following … >>>

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The Best Way to Promote Responsibility

On July 29, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

One vital thought to keep in mind when promoting responsibility with the young is this: “Do not do something for them that they can do for themselves.”

When you want the young person to do something and he or she does not, oftentimes stress is induced—on the adult. The youngster is aware of your emotions and (nonconsciously) derives a sense of power from it. What he is doing—or not doing—is seen as directing your emotions.

Here’s how it often plays out: The youngster has a number of things to do and is laxidazical about doing them. You remind the youngster—to no avail. Time passes. Another reminder is forthcoming with the same result. At this point, many parents resort to discipline … >>>

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Get Children to Take Ownership

On July 17, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

All parents and teachers want children to keep their end of agreements. For example, if a child says he will take out the garbage, the parent expects that’s what will happen. If a student says she will do her homework, the teacher expects her to follow through. When the youth doesn’t do what he or she promised to do, adults often try to discipline the child, dishing out punishments or imposing consequences. This approach is ineffective.

Why? Because punishment is based on the idea that a person needs to be hurt in order to learn. This is fallacious thinking. When punishment is imposed, the person being punished feels like a victim. Victims take no responsibility for their behavior. In addition, … >>>

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Common Core Losing Support Among California Voters

On July 1, 2014 / Effectiveness, Learning, Responsibility

According to the annual PACE/USC Rossier School of Education poll, which questioned more than 1,000 California voters, residents of the state are having second thoughts about the Common Core State Standards.

The poll revealed that only 32 percent of respondents supported the implementation of the Common Core Standards, while 42 percent opposed it. What’s interesting is that these numbers are a complete reversal from last year’s findings, showing that voters are changing their minds about the validity of the Common Core Standards.

As we’ve all heard, the Common Core Standards set expectations for deeper learning by grade level; however, as I’ve written extensively in my blogs, mandating learning objectives nationwide is not the way to improve student performance. If students … >>>

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Negotiations and Discipline

On June 26, 2014 / Discipline, Parenting, Responsibility

Negotiating about changing someone’s behavior can be more effective than using coercion. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions when you negotiate about a behavior or discipline situation.

• Be just. Good negotiators always think about how they can show that the outcome will be fair to all parties. In a discipline matter, this means that all parties feel the outcome will be just. If the decision is fair or just, the person or people with whom you are negotiating will never feel coerced or taken advantage of. This will make it easier to agree on the decision.

• Use a power pose. Expansive, open postures will prompt you to feel more powerful and confident during the negotiation. … >>>

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PBIS Mandated

On June 21, 2014 / Discipline, Learning, Responsibility

A teacher contacted me about Positive Behavioral Interventions & Supports (PBIS) being mandated in her school. The district has a new superintendent who used PBIS in his former district. The teacher has been using Discipline Without Stress for 10 years with great success and asked if there was any assistance I could give her because she does not want to use PBIS. She does not believe that young people should be rewarded for doing things that are expected of them. She asked me to please include the conversation I had with her in my next newsletter. Here it is.

I suggested she ask her students if they feel mature enough to make decisions themselves or whether they want the teacher … >>>

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A New View on Rules, Consequences, and Rewards

On June 10, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

Many school districts require their teachers to post rules, consequences, and rewards in the classroom. The theory is that if children know what the rules are and what happens if they break them or follow them, discipline issues will cease. This, of course, doesn’t work. Here’s a better approach that will instill responsibility in your students, reduce discipline issues, and appease the administrators in your district.

1. Post classroom expectations or standards, instead of rules.
Standards are much different than rules. Standards engender student empowerment. They promote an esprit de corps in the classroom, similar to what occurs with any team. Standards serve as expectations, and expectations are responsibility lifting. They tap into internal motivation and foster commitment, rather than … >>>

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Focus on Students, Not Numbers

On May 15, 2014 / Learning, Responsibility

I recently read an article in the USA Today entitled “Education Goals are Getting Resegregated” (May 8, 2014). The article explains that “Only 7% of black high school seniors are proficient in math, compared with 33% of white students, according to the National Assessment of Educational Progress scores released Wednesday. The reading gap is larger.”

The article then goes on to detail many state’s goals for educational achievement, highlighting how “more than half the states have given up on race-blind standards, setting different goals for different groups of students.” For example, in the District of Columbia, the goal is for 94% proficiency in math for white students while only 71% for black students.

Unfortunately, in many educational bureaucracies the exercise … >>>

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Evidence that the Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model Works

On April 24, 2014 / Learning, Responsibility

This past Sunday (April 20, 2014), the highly-rated 60 Minutes TV program highlighted the Excellent Boys Charter School in Brooklyn, New York. This school uses a similar approach to what Marva Collins developed in Chicago. Both schools have high expectations, empower their students, and do not allow victimhood thinking—exactly what I will show teachers how to accomplish next week when I present in Chicago. This is yet another indication of how successful the Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model can be.

I often receive letters from teachers and administrators about the Discipline Without Stress model. Here is one I received recently from a school in Bronx, New York:

“I highly recommend taking advantage of working with Dr. Marvin Marshall. He provides

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

What to Do When Students Expect Rewards

On April 8, 2014 / Discipline, Responsibility

In many classrooms across the country, teachers utilize the “colored card,” “stickers,” or “treasure chest” method of classroom discipline. Those who want to implement the Discipline Without Stress methodology wonder if it’s possible when the children are used to being rewarded so much.

Sound familiar?

The good news is that you can implement Discipline Without Stress effectively even if the other staff members at your school don’t follow a similar philosophy. Here’s how.

First, there’s no need to announce to your students that you don’t give rewards for expected behavior and learning—unless they bring it up. If they are conditioned to being rewarded heavily, it’s quite likely that they will! If and when they do ask for a reward, you … >>>

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How to Turn Praise into Acknowledgment

On March 27, 2014 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Most people were raised hearing praise statements, and now that they are adults they give praise to their children and students today. However, as is discussed in Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress, acknowledgments are far better than praise. But how do you turn off the urge to praise? How do you turn praise into productive comments that encourage and acknowledge all who are choosing to do the right thing? After all, sometimes, it seems to be an automatic reaction to say “Good job!” just for the sake of saying something.

Realize that changing praise into an acknowledgement is nothing more than a ‘twist’ in thinking, a small adjustment in how you phrase things. Instead of heaping on … >>>

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Raise Responsible Children, Not Obedient Ones

On February 14, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Which would you rather have: a child who does what you ask but only when you ask (an obedient child) … or a child who does the right thing even when no one is looking simply because it’s the right thing to do (a responsible child)?

Most parents and teachers choose the latter. But if that’s what we want, why are so many adults still using outdated discipline techniques that promote obedience rather than responsibility? Such techniques include telling young people what to do, punishing them if they do not, and rewarding them if they do. These approaches teach only one thing: obedience. The shortcomings of obedience appear when teachers and parents are not around to use these external motivators. … >>>

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Does Discipline Really Change Behavior?

On February 12, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents rely on outdated discipline techniques—such as imposed punishments and rewards—in an attempt to change their child’s behavior. But does discipline really change how a person acts?

The answer is “no.” Consider these two basic facts of life:

Any control of another person is temporary.
Attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.
Although you can control others, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

As long as parents believe they can change their child, they’ll have a natural tendency to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what the parent wants. But the fact is that you can’t change others. You can only change yourself.

Certainly, a parent can use … >>>

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