A father of a fifth grader decided to give his son $5 for each A on his report card. The first marking period the child received eight A’s and $40 from his father.
The second marking period ended in January and report cards went home at the beginning of February. The father was quite upset, since his son had dropped to only one A, 2 B’s and the rest C’s.
In the conference with the father, the … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Relying on rewards to influence behavior changes the motivation in children. Teachers of upper elementary grades through high school know this truth by the most common questions students ask: “Will the material be on the test?” and “Will this count on the grade?” Rather than being motivated by curiosity, the challenge, or the enjoyment of learning, the students’ motivation turns toward the external reward—the grade.
The motivation is to do well for the teacher’s evaluation, rather than for the learning itself. In addition, and this is rather obvious, the more emphasis placed upon the external reward of the grade, the more students look for the easiest way to obtain it.
Here is a paradox. Many studies have shown that the … >>>
READ MORE >>> →When you use reflective questions, you are directing the other person’s thinking. It is this questioning process that starts the thinking process, both for you and for the other person. This kind of question is a gift to the person being asked because it induces clarity of thought. Similarly, the answer can be a gift to the person asking because it is a quick way to obtain and understand the other person’s viewpoint.
Asking reflective questions increases the parent’s awareness of a child’s perceptions, thereby significantly increasing the parent’s understanding of the child. This clarification leads to both increased effectiveness and improved relationships. A key purpose of all communications is to gain understanding, to get clarity of the other … >>>
READ MORE >>> →The following poem about personal responsibility was posted on the wall of a third grade class. The students wrote it themselves and they recite it every day.
Our Responsibility Poem
I am responsible for how I feel and what I do. Nobody can make me feel anything.
If I have a rotten day, I am the one who allowed it to be that way.
If I have a great day, I am the one who deserves the credit for being positive.
It is not the responsibility of other people to change so that I can feel better.
I am the one who is in charge of my life.… >>>
As I reflect on my recent visit to France, a few bits of information stand out.
The most striking is the results of a survey. The question posed to the French people was: “Whose responsibility is it to pick up dog droppings?” The responses indicated that most people think it is the government’s responsibility.
In other words, the impression they have is that “responsibility” is put on the government, rather than on individual citizens.
During my trip, I learned that France has a mandated 35-hour workweek, along with 12 holidays and five (5) weeks of paid vacation. Also, it is illegal in France to hold two jobs.
Although France and the United States have much in common, the cultures have … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Parents often deliver explicit messages unaware of sending implicit ones. “Explicit” refers to the actual words you state. “Implicit” refers to what the receiver of the message is learning by inference. For example, tickets for a movie theater are more expensive for a 13-yearold than for a 12-year-old. In order to save money, the parent tells the 13-year-old daughter to state her age as 12. The explicit message is that saving money is desirable; however, the implicit message is that being dishonest is acceptable.
The teenager tells the parent, “I may be home late tonight.” The parent asks, “Will there be alcohol or drugs where you are going?” The response is, “I don’t know.” The parent responds by saying, “You’re … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Regardless of the situation, the stimulus, or the impulse, people choose their responses. To do otherwise would be to operate from compulsion. This is the beauty of being human. Unlike animals, we humans need not succumb to our reflexes or emotions.
Furthermore, the less we succumb, the less we are driven by tyrannical obsessions. Therefore, one of our most important tasks as parents is to teach and model choice-response thinking—that even young people can be in control of their choices.
So as not to fall back on previous habits and approaches, it is necessary to become aware of our options. You can do this very simply by teaching your child a procedure. Have the youngsters say, … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Although there are things in life that are out of our control, it is how we perceive them that is critical. This understanding is not new; it’s just not common. Centuries ago, the Greek philosopher Epictetus (55-135) proposed that we are disturbed not by events but by the views we take of them. In other words, it is not the event itself that is the problem; it is our perception of the event that creates our suffering. Is it a problem or a challenge? “Victimhood thinking” is a perception and the opposite of choice-response thinking.
Besides creating unhappiness, victimhood thinking is also counterproductive to developing responsibility. A cartoon shows a young boy explaining his report card to his parents, as … >>>
READ MORE >>> →While doing some internet research about discipline and responsibility, I came across the following poem. The author is listed as Anonymous. If you know who the author is, please let me know so I can give the poet proper attribution. Enjoy!
At some point we all have to deal with a difficult child. But before you engage in discipline, realize that often kids would rather be bad than stupid. In fact, a reason they misbehave is they don’t want to be failures. The Raise Responsibility System is the foundation for handling irresponsible behavior. However, sometimes you have to do a little bit more to help a youngster become more responsible.
In these instances, rather than look to the coercive discipline methods of punishments, rewards, or lectures, try to engage in coaching.
Here’s how it works: Think of young people as lacking skills, rather than as being non-compliant. Few children are maliciously non-compliant. We teach young people how to swing a baseball … >>>
READ MORE >>> →A common myth is that using imposed punishments as discipline is necessary to change young people’s behavior. In reality, disciplining by imposing a punishment comes out of the adult’s desire to control. When the desire is to raise responsible citizens, teaching and guidance prevail.
Despite succeeding in stopping irresponsible behavior in some cases, imposed punishments are ineffective with far too many young people as a disciplinary method. Imposed punishments also fail to help children make lasting changes in their behavior.
The problems with using imposed punishments as discipline are that they:
Even though you may be following the principles in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, you may find yourself in a situation where another adult who interacts with your child prefers to use coercive methods of discipline, such as punishments, rewards, and lecturing. These well-meaning adults may even try to convince you that what you’re doing is incorrect—that children need strict discipline or that rewards are the only way to get youngsters to do anything.
If you ever find yourself in such a situation, let the other adult know that you are NOT against punishments or all rewards. But you are against stress, IMPOSED punishments, and rewarding young people for what they should be doing.
Explain to them … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Fostering responsibility and instilling a sense of discipline in children should start at a very young age. For example, a young child sits in the highchair having milk. When finished, the infant throws the bottle away. The youngster hears the “thump” sound and likes it. When the mother picks up the bottle, the infant is getting a message that, to a certain extent, the mother can be controlled.
The mother decides that she is not going to let her child behave this way. The mother does not discipline by threatening or punishing; she simply makes sure her hand is ready when the baby finishes the milk. She then removes the bottle and cleans his face while talking to him. The … >>>
READ MORE >>> →So many parents and teachers believe that it is necessary to give young people a reward for doing the right thing that it is a challenging endeavor to stop the practice. But rewards don’t promote responsibility, which is why they need to stop.
A parent asked how to wean her child off the rewards system. Here is what she wrote:
… >>> READ MORE >>> →How do I wean my five-year-old son from expecting rewards? He’ll make his bed, straighten all his shoes, and hang up his clothes, all without being asked, and then he comes running up to me with a smiling face and says, “NOW can I have something?” Oh, boy! Have I turned his taking responsibility into a reward? Do I then
There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student, who already had much training and learning from other teachers, looked eager and ready to learn. He said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”
The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”
The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your … >>>
READ MORE >>> →Conflicts between teenagers are inevitable. The key is being able to resolve the conflict in a way that promotes discipline and responsibility. Here’s an example of what one parent wrote in:
… >>> READ MORE >>> →I have two sons, ages 13 and 15. They fight all the time. It’s not just a punch here and a shove there; it escalates to a down-and-out brawl! My older son tells me that I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one. My younger son has a quick-fire temper; he just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates. When they each tell me how a fight started, they both have a different story. Whom do
Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages of giving praise.
Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when a youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase that starts with “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT. By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction.
Notice the difference in the following examples:
The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens.
Unfortunately, many adults rely on external methods to “control” children. These include rewards, punishments, lecturing, and telling. While teachers and parents who engage in these external methods of control may succeed in getting students and children to toe the line under their supervision, what happens when the adults is not around?
As one teacher who uses external controls said, “My students are very good for me, but they can be holy terrors when I’m not around.” Research points to the same conclusion: … >>>
READ MORE >>> →
