Most parents I know are seeking help with stress management. Between work and family, there is always so much to do. No wonder so many parents turn to rewards and punishments in order to get their children to comply. Unfortunately, using such techniques actually makes the parent’s stress level rise. If you want true parental stress management, you need to focus on responsibility, not outdated parenting models.
Social scientists have determined that we accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have CHOSEN to perform it in the absence of outside pressure, such as a large reward.
While an incentive may get us to perform a certain action, it won’t get us to accept inner responsibility … >>> READ MORE >>> →
The following is from my Discipline Without Stress Resource Guide. It gives a good overview of what discipline really is … and what it isn’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts about discipline. Please contribute in the comments below.
What Is Discipline?
“Discipline is understood in a very limited way by most educators—How do we get these children to behave?—rather than How do we support the people in our charge as they learn to channel and direct their positive energy in ways that accomplish their goals and those of their community?” -Dr. Richard E. Clark, Chair Department of Educational Psychology, University of Southern California
“To many people, discipline means punishment. But, actually, to discipline means … >>> READ MORE >>> →
Here are four common ways to influence people (and the four most common approaches to discipline):
- Coercion or force: Discipline by threat or punishment is the approach here. This works as long as the threat is more powerful than the desire to resist it.
- Offering an incentive or reward: With young people, the incentives are generally those that appeal for immediate satisfaction, rather than to those that build responsible character development and mature values. This discipline approach is commonly used in homes and schools to get the young to do what the adult wants. It promotes a mindset of, “What will I get for doing it?” and leads to long-term selfishness, as many studies have demonstrated.
- Cooperation: This is how
… >>> READ MORE >>> →
Karen Klein, the bus supervisor in Greece, New York has recently been in the headlines since a student videoed her being bullied by some middle school students and then posted it on the Internet. The video went viral.
The media has been clamoring for the involved students to be punished.
What form should the punishment take? The usual approach is to have punishment imposed. In this way discipline standards will be maintained. However, a more effect approach is to ELICIT the punishment. Having the person or people involved will have them committed to responsible behavior. The reason is that when punishment is imposed, future motivation will be based on fear. Having young people committed to responsible behavior is far … >>> READ MORE >>> →
In a recent conversation I had with a father, he told me that when his sons were young he had attended a parenting seminar. He then related to me how using “natural” and “logical” consequences really helped him. He explained to me that the older son bullied the younger son. The father finally put the older son on the floor and with his foot upon his chest asked him how he felt when someone picked on him. The father said he never again had a problem with the older son picking on the younger son.
Regardless of what you label this approach, it is coercive and not the most effective one. The son stopped picking on his younger brother—… >>> READ MORE >>> →