When disciplining a child, only a noncoercive approach is effective. And the first step to being noncoercive is mental positioning. When practicing any skill, putting yourself in position always precedes the action. This is as true when disciplining as it is when holding a golf club before the swing, holding a baseball bat before the pitch arrives, shooting a basketball, holding a tennis racquet, or playing any musical instrument. Therefore, the first step is placing yourself in a mental stance to employ noncoercion. The mental stance should be one of curiosity, helpfulness, and kindness. Why? Because you do not shout to be noncoercive. Your tone of voice communicates at least as much as your words. Even a horse understands this,
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The old saying, “A picture is worth 1,000 words,” is so true, especially when it comes to discipline. Let me give you an example of ineffective discipline. I was in an airport, and there was a gate agent standing at the gate. A small child was standing near the entrance. The gate agent looked down at the child and said, “Don’t go down the ramp.” Guess where the kid went? You are right! Just a few moments after the gate agent finished his sentence, the kid went down the ramp. Why do kids always seem to do what you tell them not to do? It’s because the brain thinks in pictures, not in words. “Don’t” isn’t a picture, so what
READ MORE >>> →People assume that an external manipulator, such as a reward, causes young people to change. As a result, many parents offer children money for doing something they ask. They equate it to earning a salary at work. But remember, salaries in the job marketplace are contractual agreements of compensation for service. They are not bribes to manipulate behavior. When was the last time you looked at your paycheck and thanked your employer for the reward? Of course, if the compensation were not satisfactory, the person may choose to look elsewhere. As an aside, many studies have shown that “merit pay” is a poor motivator and low on a list of employee priorities. Rewards like these also create more problems than
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 4
#1 Cheating in public schools
#3 The Alexander Technique
#6 Getting kids to bed
One of the key ideas I suggest people write down during my seminars is this: “The person who asks the question controls the conversation” or “The person who asks the question controls the situation.” Let me demonstrate to you how this works. You walk into the store and the salesperson asks, “How are you today?” Isn’t there a natural tendency to answer? Here is another situation. A friend with whom you are talking suddenly asks you a question. Do you stop and answer the question or do you continue with your monologue? Chances are you stop and answer the friend’s question. If you want to discipline a student or child, you control the situation by asking a reflective question. Never argue with
READ MORE >>> →The keys to the success of using authority without being punitive are in using positive communications, empowerment of choice, and reflection. These practices instill the mindset that the objective is to raise responsibility, rather than to punish. Punishment fosters evasion of responsibility and also has the disadvantage of increasing the distance between parents and children. A far more effective approach than punishment is to treat the situation as a teaching and learning opportunity. Elicit from the youngster what the youngster can do to ensure that the situation will not be repeated. In this way, the young person creates and maintains ownership. The implicit message is that a person is responsible for his actions and that inappropriate action is being remedied.
READ MORE >>> →When I presented seminars last week in Phoenix, Arizona; Denver, Colorado; Billings, Montana; Salt Lake City, Utah; and Portland, Oregon, many teachers told me that they were mandated to implement Positive Intervention Behavior and Supports (PBIS). The question then is, “How can you use Discipline without Stress while at the same time implementing PBIS?” The answer is as follows. First, there is nothing in PBIS that mandates the teacher must give the rewards. Have the students perform the task of handing out rewards. When the task is delegated to students, they soon realize how unfair it is to reward some students who do what the teacher desires but not reward others who behave the same way. It is impossible to find
READ MORE >>> →As any parent knows, youngsters are impetuous. They want to know an answer immediately. At any given moment, one child wants one thing and another child wants something else. It’s a constant pull for your attention, and few children have the patience to wait for an answer. To get what they want, children often try to back you into a corner with non-stop questions (often the same one repeated over and over). When this happens to you, give your children your stock answer: “If you need to know right now, the answer is, ‘Not yet!’ But if I can think about it for a while, I might consider saying, ‘Yes.’” Their usual response will sound something like, “Take all the
READ MORE >>> →Four questions are particularly useful as a reflective activity to improve decision-making skills in older children. Although you can pose the questions orally, the responses can be in conversation or in writing. If the responses are to be written or typed on a computer, it should be the youngster’s decision whether or not to share with the parent. The parent merely requests that the written responses be kept should a future review of the situation prove necessary. The set of four questions are: 1. What did I do? (acknowledgment) 2. What can I do to prevent it from happening again? (choice) 3. What will I do? (commitment) 4. What is my plan to help me fulfill my commitment? (procedure)
READ MORE >>> →I met a gentleman, Eric, on an airplane. As we exchanged pleasantries, and he found out that I was a professional speaker in the field of education, he related the following experience to me. He described himself as having been a rather loquacious youngster, and his teacher had moved his seat away from his friend. Eric wanted to send a message to his friend. So after writing it, he carefully folded the page into a very successful flying object. When he was sure the teacher was not looking, he jettisoned the plane toward his friend, and just then Mrs. Christenson looked up to see the missile grace the air. She called Eric to her desk and said that since his
READ MORE >>> →Edmund Burke, the 18th century British statesman, said that manners are more important than laws. According to George Bernard Shaw, the Irish playwright, “Without good manners human society becomes intolerable and impossible.” Manners are what make civilization civil. Hal Urban, author of Life’s Greatest Lessons: 20 Things I Want My Kids to Know, suggests holding discussions on manners. Following are some questions that Urban suggests: Would a society be better if people treated each other with respect? How are classrooms and schools societies? How can good manners be one of the most important keys to success in life? What is the Golden Rule? How is it civilizing? Which impresses people more: being cool or being courteous? The following questions promote
READ MORE >>> →I have written before about the use of standardized tests for evaluating educational progress and teacher effectiveness. Commercial standardized tests were never developed to give feedback for educational improvement. They were designed to rank students based upon the theory that all students receive the same instruction in specified areas. They don’t. The use of such tests promotes cheating because the teachers’ jobs often depend upon how well their students do on these tests. It almost hurts anyone who is knowledgeable about testing to see the educational establishment employing such measures. The most recent case that came to light is an indictment against Michelle Rhee, the former chancellor of the Washington, D.C. school system. The chancellor failed to pursue evidence of cheating when
READ MORE >>> →A friend of mine has two children (ages 5 and 7) enrolled in a Montessori School. As with most Montessori schools, this one does not issue grades. While my friend does receive a progress report for each child four times a year, it is devoid of the standard A, B, C, D, F grading system. Instead, it reveals which specific skills her children are being introduced to, which they are developing, and in which they have achieved mastery. My friend revealed that while she is pleased with this progress report system, the rest of her family doesn’t understand it. They ask her questions like, “How do you know how they rate compared to the rest of the class?” and “What’s
READ MORE >>> →Just yesterday I sat listening, mouth wide open, as my dentist and his assistant chatted and worked on my teeth. At one point their conversation turned to family and they updated each other on the lives of their respective children. The dental assistant asked how the dentist’s son, a first year of Med student, was doing. Since the boy had always been a good student, she wondered if he was still getting good grades. The dentist said, “I really don’t know. They don’t give grades anymore. The only mark Med students receive is Pass or Fail.” When she expressed surprise, he went on to explain further. He said that things were much different now than when he himself had attended the
READ MORE >>> →There are times when the issue of noise levels in schools should be addressed. A teacher told me that she has been working on teaching procedures for appropriate noise levels. She believed her young students did not really know how to control their voices very well and needed specific instructions. She continued to share with me: “I have been telling them that when they are sitting at their table group they should have ‘Table Group voices.’ That means only their table group needs to and should hear their voice. If someone at the next table hears them or if I hear them, then it’s too loud. I added ‘Partner voice.’ “They were doing an activity in pairs and I explained
READ MORE >>> →Self-punishment is the worst type and the most severe. Unfortunately, imposed punishment is too often used for those who don’t need it. These children will respond without punitive action. Kahlil Gibran makes the point when he asks, “And how shall you punish those whose remorse is already greater than their misdeeds?” All too often, the assumption is made that punishment is the only successful course of action to immediately halt inappropriate behavior. The paradox is that noncoercion can be far more effective than coercion. This point is brought home when we expect punishment but do not receive it. In such cases, we often remember the experience more than if we had been punished. For example, a friend related a childhood
READ MORE >>> →A father of a fifth grader decided to give his son $5 for each A on his report card. The first marking period the child received eight A’s and $40 from his father. The second marking period ended in January and report cards went home at the beginning of February. The father was quite upset, since his son had dropped to only one A, 2 B’s and the rest C’s. In the conference with the father, the teacher suggested they call the youngster in to see what the problem was. The boy came into the office, sat down, and they began to talk. The teacher’s first question was, “How come your grades have slipped so much this marking period?” The
READ MORE >>> →As a long-term follower and advocate of W. Edwards Deming, I recently reviewed “Total Quality Education: Profiles of Schools that Demonstrate the Power of Deming’s Management Principles” by Michael Schmoker and Richard Wilson, published by the Phi Delta Kappa of Bloomington, Indiana. Here are the approaches that these successful schools have in common based on Deming’s’ ideas. Purpose: They have a clear, well-defined purpose that centers on academic and intellectual accomplishment. This purpose is vigilantly reiterated and reinforced. Measurement: They plan carefully and then regularly and relentlessly measure progress for every significant goal. And they use these measurements not to punish but to continually improve the quality of teacher and student performance. Morale: They maintain high morale by creating a democratic,
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