Cognition can not be separated from emotion. What we think precedes what we feel, and often what we think triggers our emotions. Thinking in terms of “right” or “wrong” is especially dangerous because people become emotionally involved with these concepts. It is more helpful to think in terms of “more effective” or “less effective.” Think where you want to go and then ask yourself, “Is this going to get me there?”
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The Golden Rules for Living (author unknown) were shared with me. I share them with you: 1. If you open it, close it. 2. If you break it, admit it. 3. If you borrow it, return it. 4. If you move it, put it back. 5. If you unlock it, lock it up. 6. If you turn it on, turn it off. 7. If you make a mess, clean it up. 8. If you value it, take care of it. 9. If you cannot fix it, call someone who can. 10. If it is not yours, get permission to use it. 11. If you do not know how to use it, leave it alone—or ask. 12. If it is none of
READ MORE >>> →Business is a a poor model for learning. Business is competitive and competition improves performance in athletics, music competitions, and other activities where people are motivated to improve and win. However, competition between individuals is devastating for improving learning. Government, business, and educational leaders have based their decisions about learning on this faulty reasoning, which already is having disastrous results as exemplified by young conscientious students having anxiety attacks and the surge of high school students giving up and just dropping out of school. Competition improves performance but is devastating to those who are never in the winner’s circle. Collaboration—not competition—improves learning. People will look back twenty years from now (if not sooner) and ask, “How could we have been so foolish as to allow this to occur?”
READ MORE >>> →QUESTIONS: Here are a few situations most likely to occur in the classroom. They are all social situations. How do you respond using the Raise Responsibility System? 1. A student tells the teacher another student pulled her hair and won’t stop. She asked the person to stop and she won’t. 2. A boy hits a girl. When asked about the situation the boy says, “She hit me first.” (Usually it’s a tap on the shoulder interpreted as a “hit”) 3. A students says another student keeps calling her names likes “crybaby”. RESPONSE: The foundation of the Raise Responsibility System is teaching the Levels of Development—which does a number of things, but perhaps the most significant is that it separates the act from the actor (to use Alfie Kohn’s phrase), the deed from the doer,
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: I have 2 sons, 13 and 15. They fight all the time! It’s not just a punch here, and a shove there; it escalates to a down and out brawl. My older son tells me I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son just likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one, and my younger son has a quick fire temper. He just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates. When they both tell me how a fight started, they each have a different story. Whom do I believe? How can I stop the fighting, and how can I make them respect me again? The stress of these daily fights is affecting my health. It can’t be good for them either. MY
READ MORE >>> →I believe most theories about the stress and strain of adolescence have focused incorrectly on such factors as physical changes, emerging sexuality, new social demands, struggles between being a child and an adult, and other such reasons. This period is difficult for both youth and parents largely because adolescents become so independent of parents that controlling them is difficult. Attempts at continual control often lead to a reluctance to do what the parent wishes, which in turn leads to a power struggle, resulting in even more reluctance, resentment, and rebellion. parents assume that adolescent rebellion and hostility are an inevitable function of this stage of development. However, I believe the real reason is that these young people become more able to resist parental power. Many adolescents behave as they do because they
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 10 Number 1
#3 Increasing effectiveness by agreement
#6 Parenting and two useful approaches
#7 Discipline, procedures, and impulse management
There are three time-tested approaches for putting your ideas across to arouse interest and enthusiasm. The first is to use a fishing pole. Since it is very difficult to ram a hook into a fish’s mouth, the fisherman casts his pole temptingly near the fish. The fish is then enticed to come to the baited hook. The point: Don’t appear too anxious to have your idea accepted; just bring it out where it can be seen. People will accept your idea—especially when they consider it their own. Say something like, "Have you considered this?" instead of, "This is the way." Similarly, "You think this idea would work?" is better than, "Here’s what we should do!" Let the others sell themselves on your idea; then they will stay sold. The second is
READ MORE >>> →I had the pleasure of presenting to teachers of a religious school at the denomination's campgrounds. Between my Sunday evening keynote and my Monday afternoon seminar to the teachers, I invested some time in self-reflection. Self-reflection focuses on looking inward—controlling passions, redirecting impulses, restraining oneself from temptation, monitoring one’s ego, assessing the balance between the amount of time devoted to entertainment and time devoted to learning, and other such things that will enable the individual to develop good character traits and become a good, contributing member of society. Many of the early Americans—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and of course Benjamin Franklin, to name but few—focused on what they could and would do to become better people. Striving to improve oneself
READ MORE >>> →Laura Hillenbrand’s award-winning book, “Seabiscuit: An American Legend,” was first made into a PBS documentary and then into a motion picture. The book has been referred to as the best sports book ever written. Seabiscuit—a descendant of the mighty Man o’ War—was an undersized, crooked-legged racehorse but was the subject of the most newspaper column inches in 1938. The horse was nothing short of a cultural icon in America. In a test race, Seabiscuit once ran a quarter of a mile in an unheard of 22-2/5 seconds. It may have been the fastest quarter mile ever run by a yearling. However, the horse was rather lazy—really lazy—so the trainer was confronted with a behavioral problem. When the rider asked him for speed, the horse slowed down When he tried to rein
READ MORE >>> →Although mastering subject matter is important, strategies to increase thinking power are equally important. Schooling today emphasizes “correct” answers and single solutions. But in so many situations, it is not how many correct answers one knows, but rather how one proceeds when one does NOT know—as when confronted with problems, dilemmas, enigmas, and situations to be addressed, the answers to which are not immediately known or readily available. This is becoming truer every day in the rapidly changing information age. Students often attempt to solve a problem or analyze a situation without thinking. The answer may be so obvious that they just say it. While there are many situations that can be dealt with successfully in this way, a problem arises when the task has become too complex; a
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: The only part about the Hierarchy of Social Development that confuses me is that if Level C is a level of caution, then how can we label it as acceptable?–even though I can see that in the hierarchy it is implicit that it is positive. I have a hard time trying to explain to kids that this level is acceptable…. BUT WATCH OUT…. it might not be! This is what I'm not sure how to handle. I know it's best if the hierarchy is simple and easy to understand because then using it is straight forward, but since this Level C has the negative aspect as well as the positive one it seems important to help kids understand. RESPONSE: Use the analogy of a TRAFFIC SIGNAL
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: My problem is my 21 year old son who has been on a downward spiral for three years. He came home after a half a year away at college with only one credit. Then he enrolled full time at college in our hometown the following school year and failed. The following school year we told him he had to work full time and take a part-time class. He withdrew from the class near the end and never told us! He is now sleeping all day and working for a charity part-time, 5-9, when he wants to go in (not often). He is also the lead singer for a band with a bunch of college students. They practice a few times a week. They make no money because anything they
READ MORE >>> →We are constantly making choices—both consciously and nonconsciously. We are also aware that timing is important. With this in mind, here is a simple choice to make when having difficulty in dealing with others: “Should I aim at influencing or at clarifying.” If you choose to clarify your position, your chances of influencing increase.
READ MORE >>> →Epictetus (pronounced Epic-TEE-tus) lived and taught in both Rome and Greece in the first century. Like stoic philosophers that preceded him, he dealt with logic, physics, and ethics. Epictetus taught that adversity introduces a person to oneself. On the occasion when a situation befalls you, remember to turn to yourself and inquire what power you have for turning it to your use. There is only one form of security we can attain during our lives, and that is inner security—the kind that comes from courage, experience and the willingness to learn, to grow, and to attempt the unknown. World War II Admiral William Halsey said that if you touch a thistle timidly, it pricks you. But if you grasp it boldly, its spines crumble. Security is not what the wise
READ MORE >>> →Cavett Roberts, the founding president of the National Speakers Association once asked, “Whatever happened to the old wooden bucket?” It was the hallmark of an era. Songs were written about it. But the romance of the oaken bucket was short lived. It had no permanent franchise on existence. The galvanized tin bucket replaced it. Although the tin bucket did not look so glamorous, it was lighter and cheaper. But even the tin bucket had no permanence; it was also replaced. The plastic bucket costs less and is lighter still. The bucket companies went out of business because they forgot something. They thought that they were selling buckets, when in reality they were selling containers for water. They lost sight of their purpose. Wouldn’t you have thought that the railroads would have been owners
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: I have really enjoyed your book, “Discipline Without Stress, Punishment or Rewards,” and I have partially implemented it. However, I have a question. I had so many students who lied this year. What do you do in situations where the child refuses to admit what he did? RESPONSE: They lied to protect/defend themselves. A foundational characteristic of the Raise Responsibility System is that the deed is separated from the doer, the act from the actor, a good person from an inappropriate or wrong action. Therefore, reference is NOT made to the behavior. Reference is made to the LEVEL of behavior. Referring to a level is “outside” of oneself, thereby negating a feeling or “need” to self-defend. This concept of referring to levels needs to be revisited when first starting to
READ MORE >>> →There is an increasing tendency for misguided parents to be “authentic” by informing their children that Santa Claus does not exist. Make believe and pretending are integral parts of childhood. Reflect: Has the tooth fairy, the elves on St. Patrick’s day, or Santa Claus ever hurt anyone? Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.
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