Effectiveness

Praise or Acknowledgments?

On December 19, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Three characteristics usually determine whether a comment is one of praise or one of acknowledgment:

1. Praise often starts with a reference to oneself: “I am so proud of you for . . . .” or “I like the way . . . .” Even “I noticed that . . . .” can be a trap because it focuses on what you think rather than on simply acknowledging what your child has done.

2. Praise is patronizing. If you would not make the comment to an adult, then think twice before making it to a young person.

3. Praise is often stated as a general comment, such as, “That’s good.” An acknowledgment, by contrast, calls attention … >>>

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Use Acknowledgments More than Praise

On December 17, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Acknowledgments and praise are not the same. Praise is judgmental and infers parental approval. In contrast, acknowledgments simply recognize.

You may ask, “What’s wrong with praise?” Although intended to be a positive reinforcement, praise creates certain pitfalls that acknowledgments do not. For example, praise is conditional upon the judgment of the person giving the praise. It is usually given because the adult feels a desire to approve some behavior. However, what is truly important is for children to receive self-satisfaction without the need for adult approval.

Acknowledgments accomplish the intent of praise but without praise’s disadvantages. Acknowledgments foster feelings of being worthwhile without relying on the approval of others. The long range effect of acknowledgments is to engender self-confidence and … >>>

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Tone of Voice and Effectiveness

On December 12, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

When asking reflective questions, be sure you don’t shout them. The adage, “What you are doing speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying” rings true here. Your tone of voice communicates almost as much as the words. It reminds me of the following poem:

It’s not only what you say
But the manner in which you say it.
It’s not only the language you use
But the tone in which you convey it.
 
“Come here!” I sharply said,
And the child cowered and wept.
“Come here,” I gently said. He looked and smiled
And straight to my lap he crept.
 
Words may be mild and fair
But the tone can pierce like a dart.
Words may
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Consistency and Fairness

On December 10, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness  

When we are consistent in imposing the same consequence on every student, are we being fair or unfair?

Although consistency is important, imposing the same consequence on all students is the least fair approach. When a consequence is imposed—be it called logical or natural—people are deprived of ownership in the decision. And ownership is a requirement for responsibility.

A more effective and fairer approach is to elicit a consequence or a procedure that will help students redirect impulses so they become more responsible. This is easily accomplished by asking students if they would rather be treated as individuals or as a group. They will have a preference to be treated as individuals and have ownership in … >>>

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Coercion Is Not Always Recognizable

On December 6, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Coercion isn’t always recognizable.

The other night my wife was viewing the first ten minutes of a movie on TV. She was so enthralled with it that she pressed the “record” button on the DVR and then stopped viewing the program. She wanted to share the movie with me and said that she was saving it until a time when we could watch it together.

When that time came around, her enthusiasm pitched even higher. However, as she turned on the recording and the synopsis of the movie aired, I quickly realized that I had no interest in the show. My wife was so surprised and disappointed that she reiterated her desire to share it and the fact that she … >>>

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Habits of Effective Parents

On December 5, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

1. Use procedures rather than rules.

Highly-effective parents use procedures and do not rely on rules. Rules are necessary in games. However, in interactions, rules result in adversarial relationships because rules require enforcement. Rules place the parent in the position of an enforcer, a cop—rather than that of a teacher or mentor. Enforcing rules often results in power struggles that rarely result in win-win situations or in good relationships. Instead, rules often result in reluctance, resistance, and resentment. While rules are “left-hemisphere” oriented, and they work with people who are orderly and structured, they do not work well with “right-hemisphere” dominant children who tend to act who randomly and spontaneously. Even when these children know the rules, their lack of … >>>

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Focus on Continuous Improvement

On December 3, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Seeing the positive in situations and experiences becomes easier if the focus is on continuous improvement. Success isn’t always about winning; it’s often about learning, growing, and improving. Although there is a natural tendency to compare ourselves with others, the more this type of thinking is redirected, the more successful we will feel. While having role models is wise, trying to compete with them is not.

We should measure progress by improvement in ourselves, rather than in comparison to others. When pleased with our efforts—especially when we see improvement—we invest more effort. Improvement comes through self-evaluation, practice, feedback, and more evaluation. The better the quality of our work, the more we are pleased and the more … >>>

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Some Insights on the Raise Responsibility System

On November 30, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Responsibility  

The strategy used in the Raise Responsibility System differs from other approaches in a number of significant ways. First, the system starts with Stephen Covey’s first habit of highly effective people: Be proactive. The idea is to set the stage for dealing with disruptive behaviors before they occur. This is in contrast to the usual reactive strategy of dealing with disruptive behaviors after they occur.

Second, neither rewards nor punishments (or “consequences,” which also are viewed as negative) are used. Authority, when necessary, is used without punishment.

Third, a guiding approach, rather than a telling approach, is used, because the most effective way to change behavior is to provide conditions under which behavior change is self-motivated. Self-evaluation is the most … >>>

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Problems with Imposed Punishments

On November 28, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

There have been many news stories lately about parents using shame and humiliation as discipline measures for their children. From forcing their child to stand on a busy street corner holding a sign that details their offenses to posting embarrassing photos and videos of the youth online, these parents believe this sort of public humiliation is a viable way to discipline children.

Humiliation and shame are never good ways to discipline. Not only do they negatively influence a child’s self-esteem, but they are also just new forms of imposed punishments. And as outlined in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, the effect of any imposed punishment is only temporary. Fear and force produce only short-run changes.

Once an … >>>

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Make Positivity Your Habit

On November 26, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Making positivity a practice both in your self-talk and in your communications with others begins with awareness. Listen to yourself. Become aware of the number of times you say something negatively that could be phrased positively. Continually ask yourself before speaking, “How can I say this so it will be perceived in a positive way?”

Using positive phrases can turn what would have been a negative into a positive. The result is dramatic. The more you practice phrasing communications in the positive, the sooner it will become a new habit. A simple approach is to focus on what you want your children to do rather than on what you don’t want them to do. Eliminate disempowering, negative words such as … >>>

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Controlling the Conversation

On November 19, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

When you enter a store and the salesperson asks the common greeting, “How are you today?” do you ignore the person—or is there a natural tendency to give a response? During a conversation where you are explaining something and your friend suddenly asks you a question, do you continue talking and ignore the question or do you respond to it? Notice that in each of these scenarios, there is a natural tendency to respond to a question. And herein lies the most important and effective key to remember if you want to reduce your stress and promote responsible behavior: The person who asks the question controls the conversation.

A national magazine ran a cover article about frustrated parents who were … >>>

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Recognize Styles

On November 9, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships  

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. No style is good or bad, right or wrong. Neither is one style better or worse than another; they are just different. Jung articulated a theory of personality behavior styles that he believed are genetically determined.

Styles can be discerned by watching young children and examining how they process experiences. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing.

In Parenting Without Stress, we use the four style descriptions of Thinker, Feeler, Doer, and Relater. To better understand this concept, visualize a directional scale with a thinker in the north, a feeler in the south, a … >>>

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Listening to Solve Problems

On October 31, 2012   /   Effectiveness  

One of the most successful approaches to solving disputes comes from the Native American aphorism: “Before we can truly understand another person, we must walk a mile in that person’s moccasins.” Before we can walk in another person’s moccasins, we must first take off our own. This means to perceive as  with the other person’s eyes, ears, mind, and spirit.

One of the deepest desires of humans is to be understood. But how do you do it? The talking stick is one approach. One reason for its success is that it uses something tangible. The “stick” can be a spoon, a stuffed animal, or any object that serves as something that can be held and passed from one person to … >>>

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Four Questions that Prompt Reflection…and One to Avoid

On October 29, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Responsibility  

Reflection fosters growth and responsibility. Therefore, ask evaluative questions—those that lead to reflection.

Here is a series of four such questions that lead to a change in behavior:

  1. “What do you want?”
  2. “Is what you are choosing to do helping you get what you want?”
  3. “If what you are choosing to do is not getting what you want, then what is your plan?”
  4. “What are your procedures to implement your plan—specifically, what will you do?” “What else?”

What question should you seldom if ever ask? Any question that starts with “why,” as in “Why did you hit your brother?” or “What did you lie about your homework being done?”

“Why” questions allow the person to give an excuse, be a … >>>

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Positivity, Choice, and Reflection in a Nutshell

On October 24, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Positivity, choice, and reflection are to be fed. They reduce stress, increase parental effectiveness, and improve relationships. Why? Here’s a brief synopsis of each.

  • Negative comments prompt negative feelings. Positive comments engender positive feelings and responsible behavior. Parents who are effective in influencing their children to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Positivity creates an atmosphere in which children feel valued, supported, respected, motivated, capable, and proud.
  • Either consciously or nonconsciously, people are always choosing how to respond to any situation, stimulus, or impulse. Teaching young people about choice-response thinking—that they never need think of themselves as victims—is one of the most valuable thinking patterns we can give them. This type of thinking teaches the difference between
… >>> READ MORE >>> →
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The Facts about Changing Others

On October 22, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

The third practice for parenting without stress and for raising responsible children is called Reflection. In order to understand the power and significance of reflection, you need a clear understanding of two basic facts of life:

  • The first is that any control of another person is temporary.
  • The second is that attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.

As long as we believe that we can change another person, there is a natural tendency for a parent to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what we want.

Just for a moment, think of one person with whom you have had a personal relationship—a child, spouse, significant other, parent, … >>>

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Paint Positive Pictures

On October 10, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Practicing positivity requires painting positive mental pictures. Let’s see how this works. Imagine you have just arrived at a restaurant that does not take reservations. The lobby is full of people waiting to be seated. The host says to you, “I don’t have any tables right now. You’ll have to wait 30 minutes.” Now picture the same situation again, except this time the host says to you, “I’ll have a wonderful table for you in half an hour.” Notice the difference in how you received the information. The chances that you’ll actually wait to eat at the restaurant are greater in hearing the second message.

Why? Because the brain thinks in pictures, rather than in words, so the words you … >>>

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Aristotle and Achieve the Honorable

On October 9, 2012   /   Effectiveness, Learning  

For over 200 years the name Aristotle (384 – 322 B.C.) was virtually synonymous with philosophy. His most influential doctrine included the notion that morally virtuous people seek moderation in all things. He also believed that as people get older, they seek happiness. The great philosopher proposed that this state is achieved primarily through achieving the honorable.

As I walked to high school every day for three years, I saw Hollywood High School’s motto prominently displayed: ACHIEVE THE HONORABLE. Last weekend I had the honor of speaking at Alumni Day at Hollywood High School and mentioned that the motto was no longer there. The old sign had been replaced with an electric sign giving the name of the school—but … >>>

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