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Reduce Power Struggles to Reduce Stress

On February 24, 2016   /   Stress Management  

I believe most theories about the stress and strain dealing with young people of all ages—especially adolescents—have focused incorrectly on such factors as physical changes, emerging sexuality, new social pressures, and struggles between being a child and an adult.

This period is often difficult for both young people and parents. As young people grow, conflicts arise. A prime reason is that the young want to become independent, but adults continue to exert authority with coercion and expect obedience. Attempts at continual control so often lead to counterwill—the natural human tendency to resist being controlled. This leads to power struggles, which lead to even more resistance, reluctance, resentment, and even rebellion.

Parents assume that rebellion is inevitably a function of development. … >>>

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Why Smiling is Important

On February 23, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

Studies suggest that smiling makes people appear more attractive, kinder, and by some accounts, easier to remember.

All smiles share something in common: an emotional foundation. Depending upon what the emotion is, the brain sends different instructions to the face. The areas in instigating a polite or voluntary smile (the kind exchanged with a bank teller, for example) are not the same ones involved in a more emotional smile (such as the kind that emerges on seeing a loved one or hearing a funny joke).

However, regardless of what prompts a smile, the results are the same. Both you and the recipient are prompted to have good feelings.

So share a smile today!… >>>

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Stress and the Brain

On February 18, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

We know that when stress overcomes us, choices seems limited, thereby decreasing effectiveness. Behavioral scientists have a name for this psychological reaction: learned helplessness.

This phenomenon has been studied in laboratory rodents whose nervous system bears striking similarities to that of humans. Here is how one experiment works. If you provide mice with an escape route, they typically learn very quickly how to avoid a mild electrical shock that occurs a few seconds after they hear a tone. But if the escape route is blocked whenever the tone is sounded, and new shocks occur, the mice will eventually stop trying to run away. Later, even after the escape route is cleared, the animals simply freeze at the sound of the … >>>

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Implement Discipline Without Stress Today

On February 16, 2016   /   Discipline  

One of the points I continued to emphasize in my presentations is that the Discipline Without Stress methodology CAN BE IMPLEMENTED IMMEDIATELY. The only requirement is to teach the four vocabulary concepts and then have students create examples of them in their own classroom and/or for various activities. Anyone can teach the four concepts at anytime—even during the last few weeks of the school year.

I received the following e-mail that shows this concept in action.

“I suspended a defiant student earlier in the week and was dreading having him return to my classroom on Friday. After hearing your inspiring talk, I was able to put my arm around him and walk with him while I asked him what we … >>>

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Having a Mindset of Making a Contribution Enhances Life

On February 15, 2016   /   Stress Management  

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived Nazi death camps. His classic book “Man’s Search for Meaning” emphasized the importance of having meaning for one’s life.

Here is an example from a classic tale. A man was walking down the street when he came upon three men working at a construction site. All the men were doing the same job. He asked the first worker what he was doing. The man replied, “Breaking up these rocks.” The man then asked the second worker what he was doing. This worker said, “I’m earning a living.” The man asked the third worker who responded, “I’m building a cathedral.” Clearly the third man had a vision. He understood the larger significance … >>>

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Rewards and Motivation

On February 11, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

We know that rewarding fosters competition to see who gets the most number of rewards. We also know that using rewards as incentives to young people fosters feelings of punishments to those in school who believe they should have received a reward, but didn’t.

Recently a teacher relayed a story to me that perfectly sums up the pitfalls of relying on rewards. Her story is a perfect illustration of how external manipulators (giving rewards as reinforcers) do not do what adults would like them to do, namely, transfer the desired motivation.

“I have a cute story about rewards in the classroom. I teach first grade, and sometimes just getting the kids to remember their folders and to sharpen pencils is … >>>

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Reduce Stress with Collaboration Not Domination

On February 9, 2016   /   Stress Management  

Dominating another person may feel good, but think of the effect it has on the other person—as well as on yourself. Just as no one likes to be told what to do, no one likes to be dominated. In addition, domination is a close cousin of stress because it releases a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. In contrast to dominating someone, when you aim at collaboration, stress is reduced and relationships improve. A simple approach to begin the collaboration process is by asking the other person’s opinion. The technique is amazingly simple and so effective. Another simple approach is to ask for the other person’s help. It is a rare situation when you will ask someone for … >>>

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Civility and Responsibility

On February 9, 2016   /   Responsibility  

One of the attributes of The Discipline Without Stress methodology is the promotion of the basic characteristic of any character education approach: Taking responsibility for one’s behavior. Without “responsibility” no other trait of civility would be possible.

George Washington and many of the other founding fathers of the USA first focused on how one could IMPROVE ONESELF as the first criterion to influence others. “The Rules of Civility,” the etiquette planner that Washington copied as a teenager, begins with the following admonition: “Every action done in company ought to be done with some sign of respect to those that are present.”

Perhaps the concept of “appropriate” or “unwritten rules” should be revisited with young people. Examples abound: wearing pajamas in … >>>

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Telling People What to Do Prompts Stress

On February 8, 2016   /   Stress Management  

Telling people what to do prompts stress. No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjured up a negative emotion and may even promoted stress.

Although most people like telling others what to do, very few people enjoy being told what to do.

The reason that no one likes to be told is that telling carries an inference. The unstated message is that “What you are doing is not good enough and you need to change.”

No one likes to hear this message.

I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by … >>>

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Physical Versus Behavioral Challenges

On February 4, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

As I’ve said in numerous blog posts and in my books, knowing “why” a child misbehaved does not change the child’s behavior. Whenever I promote this idea, some people respond saying that they believe knowing the reason for a person’s action is important. One person recently recounted an example in which knowing the “why” assisted in a situation where a child wasn’t doing his homework.

Here is my reply to that:
Many psychologists and therapists believe that knowing the “why” for a behavior is important. However, my quotes are from Dr. William Glasser, an internationally renowned psychiatrist and the author of “Reality Therapy”–updated in his newer, “Choice Theory.” He advocates that knowing the reason for a behavior may be of … >>>

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Asking “Why” Questions Does Not Improve Behavior

On February 2, 2016   /   Discipline  

Many teachers and parents fall into the trap of asking children “why” they did something. “Why did you hit your brother?” “Why did you throw your book on the floor?” “Why are you not listening to the instructions?” They mistakenly think that it is necessary to understand the “why” of a behavioral problem in order to fix it.

By focusing on the “why,” they are treating social-behavioral skills the same way as academic skills. However, academic skills deal with the cognitive domain, whereas behavior has to do with the affective domain—those factors that pertain to feelings and emotions. This is why knowing “why a building collapsed” is important to fixing the problem, but knowing “why you hit your brother” is … >>>

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Collaboration Increases Learning

On January 28, 2016   /   Learning  

Anyone who reads this blog or has read any of my books knows that I advocate collaboration–rather than competition—to increase student learning. A prime reason is that the number of winners in competition is severely restricted, usually to one. This means that competition produces more losers than winners.

A major advancement in learning would be to desist from the nearly imperceptible yet continual demoralization of K-12 students by fostering competition between students as a way to increase learning. (As I also often note, competition is a marvelous motivator to increase performance but is devastating to young people who feel that they never stand in the winner’s circle.) This very significant yet unintended consequence of academic competition contributes to the reduction … >>>

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How Parents and Teachers Can be More Effective

On January 26, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

Implementing the three practices of positivity, choice, and reflection from the teaching model may feel awkward at first. This is natural. Unlike youth, who find little risk in attempting new activities, adults have established patterns and often feel anxious and uncomfortable when attempting something different from what they have already been doing. Realizing this at the outset will make it easier to attempt something new.

Doing something new or different requires making new habits, new neural connections. Practice makes permanent, and you will soon find that practicing the simple suggestions will become easier.

Think of a rocket or a space mission. Most of the energy, most of the thrust, has to do with breaking away—to surge past the gravitational pull. … >>>

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Boys and Learning

On January 19, 2016   /   Learning  

A boy measures everything he does or says by a single yardstick: Does this make me look weak? If it does, he isn’t going to do it. That’s part of the reason that video games have such a powerful hold on boys. The action is constant; boys can calibrate just how hard the challenges will be; and when they lose, the defeat is private.

With this in mind, it’s important to remember that PUBLIC competition improves performance, but not learning. Some students will practice for hours spurred on by the competitive spirit in music competition, athletics, or speech contests. These students are motivated to compete.

Competition can be fun, as witnessed by the hours that young people invest in such … >>>

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The Most Effective Way to Influence Others

On January 14, 2016   /   Responsibility  

There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation and to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student—who already had much training from other teachers—looked eager and ready to learn and said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”

The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”

The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your mind of everything … >>>

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Assumption versus Inference

On January 12, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

In my books and my speaking, I often refer to assumptions and inferences. On the surface, these two things seem to be identical, but there are some subtle differences. Today I’d like to clarify what they are.

An assumption is something we take for granted or presuppose. In the teaching profession, for example, too many teachers assume that students know what the teacher wants the students to do—without the teacher actually teaching how to do it. Likewise, parents may assume that it is important for their children to get good grades in school. But their children may not have the same assumption. Good grades are important to some students but not for all. Or, a wife may assume that her … >>>

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Why Assessing Others Can Harm

On January 7, 2016   /   Effectiveness  

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college. (Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far … >>>

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Aim for Responsibility, Not Obedience

On January 5, 2016   /   Discipline  

The mindset of current educational approaches regarding student behavior focuses unfortunately on obedience, the source too often of reluctance, resistance, resentment, and even rebellion. Simply stated, OBEDIENCE DOES NOT CREATE DESIRE. However, when the focus is on promoting responsibility, obedience follows as a natural by-product.

The reason is that motivation to be responsible requires a DESIRE to do so. The motivation must be INTERNAL. Many schools use EXTERNAL motivation in the form of rewards, threats, and punishments. However, these approaches (a) foster compliance rather than commitment, (b) require an adult presence for monitoring, (c) set up students to be dependent upon external agents, and (d) do not foster long-term motivation for responsibility.

In addition, when students start collecting rewards—as in … >>>

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