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Parenting

Disciplining Children by Asking Rather than Telling

On July 6, 2015 / Discipline, Parenting

No one likes to be told what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjures up a negative emotion. I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by a parent, would find an excuse not to do it. Even if it was something he wanted to do, such as going outside to play, he would find an excuse to stay indoors just because he was told.

Depending upon the other person’s mental frame at the time, when we tell a person what to do—regardless of how admirable our intentions —the message is often perceived either as an attempt … >>>

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Parenting a Teenager

On June 25, 2015 / Parenting

Social scientists have determined that teeagers accept responsibility for a behavior when they believe that they have chosen to perform it in the absence of outside pressures.

Giving rewards for what you want is external pressure—really a bribe—because it is used to control. It may get teenagers to perform a certain action, but it won’t get them to except responsibility for the act. Consequently, they won’t feel committed to it. The same is true of a strong threat; it may motivate immediate compliance, but it is unlikely to produce long-term commitment.

This has very important implications for rearing teenagers. It suggests that we should never bribe or threaten them to do the things we want them to believe in.

Outside … >>>

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Influence Youth

On June 23, 2015 / Effectiveness, Parenting

To understand how much more powerful it is to influence youth rather than overpower them, consider this short story:

A young boy was to start kindergarten the next day and was protesting that he would not go. A normal parental reaction would have been to banish the youngster to his room and tell him that he had better make up his mind to go because he had no choice. (Note: the youngster may have had no choice as to the decision but he certainly had a choice as to how he could react to it.)

Rather than taking this approach, the father reflected, “If I were my son, why would I be excited to go to kindergarten?”

The father and … >>>

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Discipline Online

On June 17, 2015 / Classroom Management, Discipline, Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting, Responsibility

Discipline Online is now available for teachers, parents, and anyone working with young people.

If you are at a school, home, or youth setting where discipline and behavior are out of control and where young people are not acting responsibly, then Discipline Online will be of great assistance. If you are a leader, teacher, or parent that imposes punishments, lectures, nags, or uses time-outs or detention, then Discipline Online is for you. If you are still rewarding young people for things they should be doing anyway, learn a better way.

You owe it to yourself—and to the people with whom you work—to use a more effective approach than any of those mentioned above. Learn how to deal with behavior challenges … >>>

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Teens and Parents

On May 21, 2015 / Discipline, Parenting

A teenager recently contacted me with the following comments:

“I am a 17 year old with ‘determined they are good at parenting’ parents. I tried to encourage my parents to read your book and they refused. So I brought up the fact that they ‘try to teach me with imposed consequences rather than contingencies.’ I was then ridiculed and belittled by my dad. (How’s that for “good parenting”?) He said that if I were mature enough I would not have said that statement. He said that consequences and contingencies are the same thing. I am now going to prove to him the difference between the two.”

I replied to the teen with the following:

The father is of the old … >>>

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William Glasser’s Biography

On October 30, 2014 / Learning, Parenting, Relationships, Responsibility

A fascinating biography about William Glasser has recently been published. William Glasser, M.D. was a renowned psychiatrist and author of many books including Schools without Failure, Choice Theory, and Reality Therapy.

Dr. Glasser made major contributions to the fields of therapy, mental health, and education. His particular contribution to teaching were classroom meetings and having young people responsible for their behavior.

Here are some of the quotes from Dr. Jim Roy’s book that you can find on my website:

“Not teaching students how to function is like asking them to play a game without teaching them the rules.”

“Unless we can get rid of coercion we will never make even a dent in the problems of education. “

Discipline Without … >>>

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Resolve Sibling Fights

On October 28, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Siblings are prone to bickering and fighting. Sometimes, however, the fighting gets out of hand and becomes excessively physical. When this occurs, it’s common for each sibling to have a very different version of how the incident started, making disciplining either of them very difficult and unfair.

As a parent, how can you stop sibling fighting, and how can you get the children to respect each other (and you) again? How can you get them to act responsibly without the threat of imposed discipline? The stress of daily fights isn’t good for anyone, so here is one effective approach.

Next time a fight occurs, have each sibling write down his/her version of how the fight started and then come up … >>>

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Making Change Less Difficult

On October 14, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

When teachers and parents first learn about the Discipline Without Stress approach, they are eager to give it a try. But as with any change in life, they soon think that changing their teaching, parenting, or discipline style is too difficult.

In reality, change of any type is not difficult; it just feels difficult because it is different from what we are accustomed to doing. If you’re accustomed to imposing punishments, using rewards, or lecturing children, suddenly switching to the three disciplines of positivity, guided choices, and reflection is very different, and as such, it feels difficult.

Here’s proof that change is different rather than difficult. Fold your arms. Now fold them in the opposite manner. Feel funny?

That’s because … >>>

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“Not” Versus “No”

On September 23, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

A parent contacted me, inquiring how she could tell her child “no” but still remain positive. As she explained, “I find that I am telling my youngster ‘no’ so often that it disturbs me. I want to be positive, but ‘no’ sounds so negative. What should I do?”

I proceeded to tell her a short story: A few years ago my wife and I were to attend a formal event dedicated to the memory of the gifted Scottish poet and song writer Robbie Burns, who gave us such world classics as “Auld Lange Syne” and “My Love Is Like A Red, Red Rose.”

I planned to wear formal Scottish attire—a “Montrose” jacket and kilt. My wife inquired if she should … >>>

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Avoid the “7 Deadly Habits” of Relationships

On September 16, 2014 / Parenting, Relationships

Dr. William Glasser, the originator of “Reality Therapy” and “Choice Theory,” believes that attempts to change others by using “external control psychology” (including the common discipline approaches of imposed punishments or rewards) are doomed to fail.

He refers to such “external approaches” as the “seven deadly habits.” He lists them as: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control.

To prove his point, just respond to the following:

How do you feel when someone criticizes you?
How do you feel when someone blames you?
How do you feel when someone complains to you?
How do you feel when someone nags you?
How do you feel when someone threatens to do something to you?
How do you feel when

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

One Strategy to Reduce Perfectionism in Youth

On September 11, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Perfectionism plagues many students. While wanting to do a good job is indeed an important trait, sometimes it can go to the extreme. When this occurs, it takes students very long to complete their work. Neatness and precision are imperative to perfectionists. Whatever they are working on must look right—by their perception—before they can move on. This ultimately hinders their progress and results in frustration on the part of the youth and the teachers.

Here is an assignment to give students who suffer from perfectionism: Have the student explain the following aphorism, “You cannot be perfect and learn at the same time.”

A few examples may help. (1) Have him assume that he is playing the piano and makes a … >>>

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How to Discipline When a Child is Making a Scene

On August 5, 2014 / Discipline, Parenting

At some point, all parents have had to deal with a child who did not want to listen or comply with what needed to be done. Whether it was getting the child to buckle his or her car seat or leave a fun place (such as a public swimming pool or beach), the child resisted to the point of making a scene.

What’s a parent to do? Discipline the child by imposing a punishment? Bribe the child by offering a reward? Neither. Following are the best discipline approaches for this situation.

First, understand that children mature when they begin to realize that other people’s interests are also involved in their decisions. Having a youngster become aware of this is one … >>>

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The Best Way to Promote Responsibility

On July 29, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

One vital thought to keep in mind when promoting responsibility with the young is this: “Do not do something for them that they can do for themselves.”

When you want the young person to do something and he or she does not, oftentimes stress is induced—on the adult. The youngster is aware of your emotions and (nonconsciously) derives a sense of power from it. What he is doing—or not doing—is seen as directing your emotions.

Here’s how it often plays out: The youngster has a number of things to do and is laxidazical about doing them. You remind the youngster—to no avail. Time passes. Another reminder is forthcoming with the same result. At this point, many parents resort to discipline … >>>

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Positivity Builds Self-Esteem

On July 15, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Self-esteem is a person’s sense of self-worth and is manifested in large part by a person’s self-talk. One of the advantages researchers report about positive self-talk is that it encourages persistence—a key characteristic for success.

Negative self-talk creates a negative mindset that can lead to avoiding failure rather than reaching for success.

The more young people are encouraged and are talked to in positive ways the greater chances are for their own self-talk to be positive, which will greatly reduce discipline issues. As a teacher or parent, you have a tremendous opportunity to promote positive self-talk in young people. If you’re dealing with a child who is at-risk and needing frequent discipline, realize that these youth focus more on the … >>>

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Negotiations and Discipline

On June 26, 2014 / Discipline, Parenting, Responsibility

Negotiating about changing someone’s behavior can be more effective than using coercion. With this in mind, here are a few suggestions when you negotiate about a behavior or discipline situation.

• Be just. Good negotiators always think about how they can show that the outcome will be fair to all parties. In a discipline matter, this means that all parties feel the outcome will be just. If the decision is fair or just, the person or people with whom you are negotiating will never feel coerced or taken advantage of. This will make it easier to agree on the decision.

• Use a power pose. Expansive, open postures will prompt you to feel more powerful and confident during the negotiation. … >>>

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Discipline and Competition

On February 21, 2014 / Discipline, Parenting

Getting children to do what you want them to do can be a struggle. And when the struggle gets too stressful, many parents resort to discipline, either by imposing punishments (“If you don’t clean up this mess you’re going into timeout”) or by offering a reward (“If you clean your room we can go out for ice cream”). However, these external motivators are nothing more than coercive tactics that do little help children develop the internal motivation to want to do something.

Rather than disciplining the child to force compliance, try turning the situation into a competition, which will spark the child’s internal motivation to win. For example:

Instead of: “If you don’t clean your room you’re going into timeout.”

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Focus on Success

On February 19, 2014 / Effectiveness, Parenting

No one is good at everything. We all have our strengths, and we all have our weaknesses. Children are no different. Why, then, do so many teachers and parents expect perfection from their children in all areas—straight A’s in school, a star athlete, cast as the lead in the school play, volunteers in the community, plays the piano, etc? Some even go so far as to discipline a child for a weakness, by imposing a punishment if something isn’t up to spar or offering a reward if the child “tries harder.”

Of course, we should have high standards for youth. As Henry David Thoreau said, “Men are born to succeed, not fail.” Renowned psychologist Abraham Maslow agreed with this concept … >>>

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Raise Responsible Children, Not Obedient Ones

On February 14, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Which would you rather have: a child who does what you ask but only when you ask (an obedient child) … or a child who does the right thing even when no one is looking simply because it’s the right thing to do (a responsible child)?

Most parents and teachers choose the latter. But if that’s what we want, why are so many adults still using outdated discipline techniques that promote obedience rather than responsibility? Such techniques include telling young people what to do, punishing them if they do not, and rewarding them if they do. These approaches teach only one thing: obedience. The shortcomings of obedience appear when teachers and parents are not around to use these external motivators. … >>>

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