Parenting

Does Discipline Really Change Behavior?

On February 12, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents rely on outdated discipline techniques—such as imposed punishments and rewards—in an attempt to change their child’s behavior. But does discipline really change how a person acts?

The answer is “no.” Consider these two basic facts of life:

Any control of another person is temporary.
Attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.
Although you can control others, you cannot change anyone but yourself.

As long as parents believe they can change their child, they’ll have a natural tendency to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what the parent wants. But the fact is that you can’t change others. You can only change yourself.

Certainly, a parent can use … >>>

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2 Simple Ways to End Fighting and Discipline Challenges

On February 10, 2014 / Parenting, Responsibility

Any parent can attest that at times their children—and especially adolescents—simply don’t like them. This usually occurs when the parent won’t let the child do something (like go to a party), or when the parent asks the youth to do something considered “not cool” (like drive the old “clunker” rather than the sporty new car).

Of course, few children will go down without a fight. They’ll whine and even scream things like, “You don’t understand,” or “I’m the only one who has to,” or “I’ll die if you don’t let me.” These are simply the youths’ attempt to have the parent relent.

However, many parents fight back and try to discipline the youth by imposing punishments or offering a reward … >>>

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What to Say to Disruptive Children

On February 5, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Whether in the classroom or at home, all children act out at times. When it occurs, rather than discipline them by imposing a punishment if they continue or promising a reward if they stop, try a few verbal techniques that promote responsibility in the youth and reduce stress for you.

Rather than telling the child that he or she is off task, not doing something correctly, or acting irresponsibly, ask the child to reflect on the level of chosen behavior of the Raise Responsibility System’s hierarchy.
Children with short attention spans have a difficult time getting started on a task and staying on a task. Therefore, give clear, concise, directions. In the classroom, rather than just say, “Get ready

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Why “Telling” is Ineffective Discipline

On December 25, 2013 / Parenting

We would all like our children to gain from our experiences and our wisdom. Therefore, it seems only natural for us to tell our children what to do and what not to do. After all, young people will learn from what we tell them, right? Wrong! In truth, telling and lecturing are poor discipline strategies.

Here are the top 5 problems with relying on telling to instill discipline:

Telling is perceived as an attempt to control, and people do not want to be controlled.
Telling creates defensiveness and a tendency to resist.
Telling implies that something has to be changed. People don’t mind change as much as they mind being changed.
Telling aims at obedience, not inspiration.
Telling—like punishing and

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Asking is Better than Telling

On December 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Answering a question with a question is one of the most effective approaches a parent (or anyone) can use. Whether in everyday, casual conversation or in a discipline situation, questions are much more effective than telling.

For example, if the young person asks you a question of which you are not sure how to respond (or if you want the young person to give more thought to the subject), put the conversational ball back by asking a question in a non-confrontational way. Some questions to consider are:

“What do you mean?”
“What makes you ask that?”
“What do you think … (the reason is … we should do next … the best option is … etc.)?”

The beauty of this … >>>

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Reflective Questions worth Memorizing

On November 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting

Throughout this blog you’ll find many discussions about the power and importance of using reflective questions with children. Of course, knowing why something is vital is much different than knowing how to implement it. Therefore, below is a list of some reflective questions worth memorizing. To make it easier, I’ve categorized the questions so you can see which situations they work best in. I suggest everyone memorize these questions. As you practice using reflective questions and try out new ones on your children or students, add them to your own list.

For Getting On Task

Does what you are doing help you get your work done?
If you would like to get your work done, what would be your first

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Collaboration Eases Discipline

On October 30, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

One of the best ways to make parenting (and discipline in general) easier and less stressful is to view yourself as being in collaboration with your children rather than being a rule enforcer. No matter how challenging your children may be today, they really do want to grow up and be responsible adults, and you certainly want that for them as well. So in a sense, you are both working toward the same goal. Why not work together? Collaboration among individuals is always more effective for improved efficiency and relationships.

Here’s a story that shows how collaboration makes any task easier.

During a hike in the woods, a group of Boy Scouts came across an abandoned section of a railroad … >>>

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Choices and Stress

On October 23, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Offering choices significantly reduces stress and is remarkably more effective than attempting to force change. If a parent coerces or forces a decision upon a child that the youngster does not like—and if the child does not respond as the parent desires—the youngster is making a choice. Call it defiance, but nevertheless a choice has been made. Conversely, if the youngster does comply, a choice also has been made. So, since the child has choices anyway, providing options diminishes stress and is more effective than not offering them.

The most effective number of choices to offer is three. With some young people, offering just two choices seems limiting and restrictive. Giving three options eliminates all perceptions of coercion and encourages … >>>

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Teenagers and Dinner Cleanup

On October 14, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Having adolescents clean up after themselves is a real challenge for many adults. Here is a question I received:

Last night I requested my 14-year-old daughter to assist me with work in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher and loading it again with dirty dishes. She said she would do it but had her own timetable as to when she was going to do it. She said in five minutes and continued to watch television. By then I had already requested her help four or five times. Suddenly, out of sheer fatigue and irritation (I am diabetic and sometimes I express myself this way out of exhaustion!), I yelled at her that I needed it to be done “right now.” She … >>>

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Getting Children to Dress Themselves

On October 11, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Getting a youngster to dress is a challenge for many parents, as this communication to me describes:

I’m having a problem dressing my five-year-old son. He often takes a very long time to get dressed in the morning. We give him 20 minutes, which we know is ample because when he’s motivated he can do it in 3 minutes flat. Yet 20 minutes later he’s still only half dressed, having been distracted by toys, books, a dripping faucet, an ant on the floor, or just about anything. This behavior is making my husband late for work every morning. We’ve tried taking the offending toy or book away from him, but we can’t take away the world.

When I talk with … >>>

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Parents are Role Models for Change

On October 9, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “The human mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” When young people learn about the Hierarchy of Social Development and the various levels, they become more aware of social responsibilities and their relationships with others.

Of course, knowing the hierarchy is one thing. Using it daily is another. Evaluating one’s own behavior can be so challenging and threatening that it is often avoided. So if you want children to effectively use the hierarchy, you can influence them to do so by starting with yourself. Reflecting on the different levels involves engaging in self-evaluation—the type of activity that prompts motivation to change in a non-threatening way, which is a major reason for … >>>

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The Discipline of Listening

On October 7, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Most parents don’t listen to their children. But listening to learn and valuing young people’s feelings and ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with and influence children.

What is “listening to learn”? When you listen to learn, it means you’re not inserting your opinion and not judging what the youngster says while the youngster is speaking. Often, parents have a natural tendency to approve or disapprove of young people’s statements. Parents’ first reaction is to evaluate from their own point of view and then approve or disapprove of what the youngster says. This is listening autobiographically. While the tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all conversations, it is much more intense when … >>>

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A Creative Approach to Problem Solving

On October 4, 2013 / Parenting

When you discipline with a positive focus, you reduce stress, build trust, avoid conflicts, and increase satisfaction and contentment. Often, creative thinking may be needed in order to achieve these benefits. Such was the case when a mother and young girl were walking the family dog.

The young girl was approximately 5 years old and weighted maybe 45 pounds. The dog being walked was a large mixed breed that probably weighed about 70 pounds. The young girl desperately wanted to be the one walking the dog. While the dog was gentle and loving, the mother knew that one strong tug from the dog and the child would get pulled down and possibly hurt.

No matter how the mother tried to … >>>

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Make Communicating with Your Children Easier

On September 30, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, no two children (or adults for that matter) are the same. Each individual, young or old, views the world differently, interacts with others in a distinctive way, and processes information uniquely.

Of course, differences are good. It would be boring if everyone acted, behaved, and thought the same way. But sometimes, interacting with people who are vastly different from you (as with many parent/child relationships) can be stressful.

Noticing behavioral styles among people is nothing new. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing. If you and your child operate from different … >>>

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Modeling Responsibility

On September 25, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents take the caretaker role too far by accepting responsibility for making the child happy and putting their own desires aside. This approach is not good for the parent or for the growing child. When the child continually asks the parent to do something, and the parent does what the child requests, the parent sooner or later may feel some resentment and even anger. Notice the implicit learning: It teaches that the child does not need to value the parent’s desires or the parent’s time—that the child comes first.

The child not only learns to be manipulative but also becomes more demanding of the parent’s time. It would be better for the parent to sometimes say, “I’ll do … >>>

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Dealing with Forgetful Children

On September 23, 2013 / Parenting

Many parents complain that their children are forgetful. How many times have you said, “He’d forget his head if it wasn’t attached to his shoulders”?

One way to help a child develop in an area he or she is lacking is to put the child in charge of something related to the weakness. For example, a forgetful or unreliable child can lead by being in charge of a message center, such as a “Things to Remember” board (on or near the refrigerator).

Things that are important, such as appointments and activities, are on the board and read each day. The youngster can post messages on the board. The strategy also ensures that the youngster, being in charge of the board, … >>>

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Parents as Role Models

On September 20, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

It’s often said that parents are a child’s first role model. This is so true, as evidenced by the following story a parent sent in.

“My son started putting himself in timeouts probably because that’s what I did with myself. If I got frustrated or angry or impatient with him, I would excuse myself and say, ‘I am going to go sit on the porch and take a break; I’ll come back and talk with you when I’m calm.’ He usually came to look for me to apologize for his behavior or to see if I was all right.”

What kind of responsible behavior are you modeling for your children?… >>>

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3 Keys for Stress-Free Discipline

On September 16, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Practicing the principles of positivity, choice, and reflection reduces stress. These three principles also improve relationships, increase effectiveness in influencing others to change their behaviors, and make discipline easier. Here are some key points to remember:

Negative comments engender negative attitudes, while positive comments engender positive attitudes. People who are effective in influencing other to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Rather than use consequences, which are usually perceived negatively and do not change the way a person wants to behave, they use contingencies, which promise with the positive and place the responsibility on the young person—where it belongs. If a consequence is necessary, a more effective approach is to elicit the consequence—which should be reasonable, respectable, and

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