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Parenting

The One New Year’s Resolution Every Parent Should Keep

On December 31, 2012 / Parenting

As 2012 draws to a close and 2013 approaches, it’s natural for people to make New Year’s resolutions. The typical ones include losing weight, saving money, and making healthy lifestyle changes. But if you’re a parent, here’s one you may not have considered: “Making parenting less stressful.”

Is stress-free parenting even possible? Yes! You simply need to know the path to take.

Remember, getting to any destination requires knowing where you want to go and then boarding the train that will take you there. The old story about Oliver Wendell Holmes illustrates this point:

As the train conductor made his way down the aisle, the Associate Justice of the United States Supreme Court, Oliver Wendell Holmes, saw him coming. The

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Delegation Increases Responsibility

On December 28, 2012 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents often say, “If I want something done right I have to do it myself.” Yet effective parents know that delegation of tasks is essential to build trust in the family. When you hold onto tasks and don’t delegate, you deprive your children of an opportunity to grow and learn responsibility.

Accept the fact that growth comes through struggle. Babying your children hinders their development and implies that you don’t trust them. Therefore, focus on treating your children as if they are who, how, and what you would like them to be. Treating children as if they are responsible and empowered increases their chances of becoming so.

Once the child completes a task, the objective should be to focus … >>>

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In Inner Gyroscope

On December 24, 2012 / Parenting

Historically, people lived in the same small village their entire lives. There was little change in their lives—not only in their residence bur in the community’s values and in the occupations or with the few people with whom they came in contact. Today we live in a time of “constant change.” We say, in fact, that the only constant is change. How then do we best handle change? The answer is through developing an inner gyroscope.

A gyroscope (dictionary definition) is a device, used to provide stability or maintain a fixed orientation, consisting of a wheel or disc spinning rapidly about an axis which is itself free to alter in direction.

As parents, we want our children to acquire a … >>>

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Nonverbal Communications with Young Children

On December 24, 2012 / Discipline, Parenting

When children are too young to understand concepts such as internal motivation, appropriate behavior can still be taught without using rewards or coercion. For example, when a child does something that is not appropriate, lightly touch the child’s wrist and shake your head no. Persevere. You may have to do this a number of times before understanding sets in.

For example, when Dad is carrying little Tyler in the supermarket, Tyler starts to kick Dad in the stomach, laughing with each kick. Dad immediately puts Tyler down, steps back, and rubs his tummy where it hurts, and continues walking.

Another young child, Jenny, stalls and pokes around before getting into the car when the mother is in a hurry. … >>>

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Learned Helplessness

On December 22, 2012 / Parenting

Learned helplessness is a condition characterized by a sense of powerlessness. It can rise up from a traumatic event, constant negative self-talk, constant scolding, or constant failure to succeed in a task.

When I was pregnant and reading every baby book in sight, I continually came upon the admonition: Say ”No” as little as possible to babies and toddlers. That means taking all bric-a-brac off the tables, puting chemical bottles on high shelves, and looking around the home for potentially hazardous situations that can be eliminated.

Saying “NO” can have many interpretations—including telling a child that what she is doing is wrong—rather than showing how to do something correctly. One approach empowers; the other disempowers.

Refrain from scolding. Scolding makes … >>>

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Use Positivity in Negative Situations

On December 21, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Positivity involves more than just having a positive outlook; it is also about remaining positive in negative situations. Here is an example:

A mother considered herself a positive person because she was naturally upbeat and smiled a lot, but she hadn’t realized that she was only positive and upbeat when things were going well.

She started thinking about her three-year-old son and realized that she often was negative with him when she was feeling stressed. She made a conscious decision to work on her positivity to see if being positive in negative circumstances would be more effective than nagging and getting stern.

One day, just as they were about to leave the house, she noticed that her little boy … >>>

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Praise or Acknowledgments?

On December 19, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Three characteristics usually determine whether a comment is one of praise or one of acknowledgment:

1. Praise often starts with a reference to oneself: “I am so proud of you for . . . .” or “I like the way . . . .” Even “I noticed that . . . .” can be a trap because it focuses on what you think rather than on simply acknowledging what your child has done.

2. Praise is patronizing. If you would not make the comment to an adult, then think twice before making it to a young person.

3. Praise is often stated as a general comment, such as, “That’s good.” An acknowledgment, by contrast, calls attention … >>>

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Validating Your Child’s Feelings

On December 18, 2012 / Parenting

A mother should validate—rather than deny—a child’s feelings.

Let’s examine a case of shyness.

The child says to the parent that she does not like being a shy person.

The mother says, “There’s nothing wrong with being shy.”

The mother just negated the child’s opinion and feeling about herself. The parent has supplanted the child’s opinion about shyness with the mother’s own opinion. The child now feels guilty about having a different opinion. And yet, the child still feels bad about being shy.

Point:
The child’s responsibility is to work toward removing own her pain.

The parent’s responsibility is to listen, empathetic, and perhaps offer a suggestion—but NOT to negate the child’s feeling. … >>>

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Use Acknowledgments More than Praise

On December 17, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Acknowledgments and praise are not the same. Praise is judgmental and infers parental approval. In contrast, acknowledgments simply recognize.

You may ask, “What’s wrong with praise?” Although intended to be a positive reinforcement, praise creates certain pitfalls that acknowledgments do not. For example, praise is conditional upon the judgment of the person giving the praise. It is usually given because the adult feels a desire to approve some behavior. However, what is truly important is for children to receive self-satisfaction without the need for adult approval.

Acknowledgments accomplish the intent of praise but without praise’s disadvantages. Acknowledgments foster feelings of being worthwhile without relying on the approval of others. The long range effect of acknowledgments is to engender self-confidence and … >>>

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Make Goodness Your Priority

On December 13, 2012 / Parenting

If you were to ask your child, “What do you think I, as your parent, hold as the most important for you to be: (1) successful, (2) good, (3) happy, or (4) smart,” how do you think he or she would reply?

When I ponder this question about my own daughter, my first answer is that I’d like her to be successful. But I would also want her to be happy, as well as smart. However, I consider myself a successful parent because, above all else, she is a good person. She holds the values that are most important to me: being a person who is kind, considerate of others, and able to differentiate between good and evil.

I … >>>

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Tone of Voice and Effectiveness

On December 12, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

When asking reflective questions, be sure you don’t shout them. The adage, “What you are doing speaks so loudly that I can’t hear what you are saying” rings true here. Your tone of voice communicates almost as much as the words. It reminds me of the following poem:

It’s not only what you say

But the manner in which you say it.

It’s not only the language you use

But the tone in which you convey it.

“Come here!” I sharply said,

And the child cowered and wept.

“Come here,” I gently said. He looked and smiled

And straight to my lap he crept.

Words may be mild and fair

But the tone can pierce like a dart.

Words may

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Habits of Effective Parents

On December 5, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

1. Use procedures rather than rules.

Highly-effective parents use procedures and do not rely on rules. Rules are necessary in games. However, in interactions, rules result in adversarial relationships because rules require enforcement. Rules place the parent in the position of an enforcer, a cop—rather than that of a teacher or mentor. Enforcing rules often results in power struggles that rarely result in win-win situations or in good relationships. Instead, rules often result in reluctance, resistance, and resentment. While rules are “left-hemisphere” oriented, and they work with people who are orderly and structured, they do not work well with “right-hemisphere” dominant children who tend to act who randomly and spontaneously. Even when these children know the rules, their lack of … >>>

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Focus on Continuous Improvement

On December 3, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Seeing the positive in situations and experiences becomes easier if the focus is on continuous improvement. Success isn’t always about winning; it’s often about learning, growing, and improving. Although there is a natural tendency to compare ourselves with others, the more this type of thinking is redirected, the more successful we will feel. While having role models is wise, trying to compete with them is not.

We should measure progress by improvement in ourselves, rather than in comparison to others. When pleased with our efforts—especially when we see improvement—we invest more effort. Improvement comes through self-evaluation, practice, feedback, and more evaluation. The better the quality of our work, the more we are pleased and the more … >>>

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Problems with Imposed Punishments

On November 28, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

There have been many news stories lately about parents using shame and humiliation as discipline measures for their children. From forcing their child to stand on a busy street corner holding a sign that details their offenses to posting embarrassing photos and videos of the youth online, these parents believe this sort of public humiliation is a viable way to discipline children.

Humiliation and shame are never good ways to discipline. Not only do they negatively influence a child’s self-esteem, but they are also just new forms of imposed punishments. And as outlined in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, the effect of any imposed punishment is only temporary. Fear and force produce only short-run changes.

Once an … >>>

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Make Positivity Your Habit

On November 26, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Making positivity a practice both in your self-talk and in your communications with others begins with awareness. Listen to yourself. Become aware of the number of times you say something negatively that could be phrased positively. Continually ask yourself before speaking, “How can I say this so it will be perceived in a positive way?”

Using positive phrases can turn what would have been a negative into a positive. The result is dramatic. The more you practice phrasing communications in the positive, the sooner it will become a new habit. A simple approach is to focus on what you want your children to do rather than on what you don’t want them to do. Eliminate disempowering, negative words such as … >>>

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Controlling the Conversation

On November 19, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

When you enter a store and the salesperson asks the common greeting, “How are you today?” do you ignore the person—or is there a natural tendency to give a response? During a conversation where you are explaining something and your friend suddenly asks you a question, do you continue talking and ignore the question or do you respond to it? Notice that in each of these scenarios, there is a natural tendency to respond to a question. And herein lies the most important and effective key to remember if you want to reduce your stress and promote responsible behavior: The person who asks the question controls the conversation.

A national magazine ran a cover article about frustrated parents who were … >>>

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Avoid Criticism: Use Feedback

On November 16, 2012 / Parenting

Criticize, and you will often get resistance and hard feelings. This is the case when you are criticizing something over which the youngster feels little control. Encouraging in a supportive way is much more effective.

Criticizing is almost always interpreted as, “What you are doing isn’t good enough.” Such comments stimulate negative feelings. Instead, encourage young people by communicating a higher expectation. For example, if your child is slow to get going in the morning, try this approach: “Yesterday, it took 10 minutes to come to breakfast after I called you. I know you can do better than that. Let’s see if today you can come to breakfast in 8 minutes.” Using this approach, watch your child rise to the … >>>

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