Relationships

Using the word, “not,”rather than the word, “no,” such as “Not now” or “Not this
time” prompts fewer negative feelings than the hearing the absoluteness of “No!”

I received the following e-mail, which reminded me how creative and independent even very young people can be.

“You reminded my of a time when my son, Adam, was two. Every thing was No, No, No! My husband had just had it with him and said, ‘Adam, don’t you say No to me again; I’ve had enough, young man.’ Adam looked at him, full of steam and said, ‘NO’!

“I couldn’t help but start laughing. You are right. ‘Not’ doesn’t have the same effect as ‘No.'”

Thanks for bringing that back to mind.… >>>

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far … >>>

The following is from a post at DisciplineWithoutStress@yahoogroups.com.

What a difference this year! By taking this approach my relationship with the students is incredibly wonderful. I have always had a good connection with MOST of my students, but there were always a few who just hated me. Those were the kids who were disruptive. This year, it’s different. The kids know I am about helping them, not about who’s right or wrong, not about who said so, etc. Being new to this, I may not do it right all the time, but the kids get my sincerity.

I had to take a medical leave and was only able to tell the kids on my last day (due to school … >>>

The brain and body are an integrated system. Feelings and cognition are interrelated and have a significant effect upon learning. If you are a parent, you know this. When your child returns home after the FIRST day of school, you may ask, “How was school?” You also may ask, “What did you learn?” And you most certainly ask, “Do you like your teacher?”

We know from our personal experiences and through research on the workings of the brain that how we feel has a significant effect upon what and how we think and behave. Therefore, IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TEACHERS AND STUDENTS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL REFORMS THAT SCHOOLS CAN INITIATE.

The three practices of self-talking and communicating in … >>>

It’s so easy to embrace the negative.

In my seminars I pose the following situation: Suppose your supervisor asks you to stop by the office before leaving for the day.

I then ask people to respond by a raise of hands as to how many immediately engage in negative self-talk, e.g., “What did I do wrong?” The raised hands are unanimous.

But the negative assumption doesn’t have to be created. Consciously or not, this negative self-talk is our own imposition. Compartmentalize it. The supervisor may have a positive communication. Since the subject of the conversation is unknown at the time, a wrong assumption may prompt undue stress.

As an elementary, middle, and high school principal, I engaged in a … >>>

Studies suggest that smiling makes people appear more attractive, kinder and, by some accounts, easier to remember.

All smiles share something in common: an emotional foundation. Depending upon what the emotion is, the brain sends different instructions to the face. The areas in instigating a polite, or voluntary, smile (the kind exchanged with a bank teller, for example) are not the same ones involved in a more emotional smile (such as the kind that emerges on seeing a loved one or hearing a funny joke).

However, regardless of what prompts a smile, the results are the same. Both you and the recipient are prompted to have good feelings.

Dr. Dale Anderson, M.D. prescribes smiling and even laughing a few minute … >>>

I received the following e-mail the evening after a recent presentation (reproduced with permission):

“I suspended a defiant student earlier in the week and was dreading having him return to my classroom on Friday. After hearing your inspiring talk, I was able to put my arm around him and walk with him while I asked him what we could do to fix the situation. His idea was to write a contract, which I’m not sure is the best solution.

“However, having him give thought to where to go now seemed to lift his self-esteem and help him be more cooperative in my class. I’m sure that it will take me a lot of trial and error to really ‘get it,’ … >>>

We dislike when someone orders or mandates us to do something—or uses some other form of coercion on us. Such actions prompt negative feelings in us. Unfortunately, however, too often we tend to use such approaches with young people.

The essence of the famed psychologist Jean Piaget’s hierarchy of cognitive development is that children’s brains develop at different ages but they—even infants—have similar feelings as adults. Young people smile. They also experience negative feelings of pain, anger, and fear—all of which prompt resentment toward the person who prompted such feelings.

Sharing information and asking reflective questions do not carry the baggage of prompting negative emotions and resentments that coercion and other such approaches carry. These noncoercive approaches not only improve … >>>

This article was sent to me by Paul Leitch of Queensland, Australia. I share it with you with his permission. If you work with young people, this story will be worth reading.

Tom is a seven-year old who came from a family that has a lot of conflict and whose mother was often angry with him. The writer of this experience (hereafter referred to as “I”) asked the teacher what she wanted Tom to learn from an experience where Tom did not follow the rules—but instead took some “Easter eggs” when he was not supposed to.

The teacher said that she wanted Tom to learn to follow the rules. I asked the teacher what did she want Tom to REMEMBER. … >>>

When anyone is sharing a problem, praise acts as a roadblock.

Try this experiment: Next time you are with someone who starts sharing a personal problem with you, send some strong, positive evaluations to the person. Then observe how your praise blocks communication. Listen particularly to the defensive responses you will undoubtedly get. You will see that praise often stops people in their tracks.

People who are unhappy or disappointed with themselves or the way things are going in their lives respond to any kind of positive evaluation as a denial of their true feelings of the moment—which, of course, are far from positive. This explains why praise often provokes such responses as:

“You don’t really understand.”
“You … >>>

Never, never, never tell another person YOUR ASSESSMENT OF THAT PERSON. (This does not refer to a person’s behavior.)

The fact of life is that one never truly knows enough about a person to do that. Recently, overhearing a couple who have been married for many years, I heard the wife say to her husband, “I didn’t expect you to think that way.” She was pleasantly surprised by her husband’s take on a situation.

In this same vein of never completely knowing another person, a very successful teacher told me that her high school counselor told her that she was not smart enough to go to college.

(Although college does require a minimum of academic skills, perseverance is a far … >>>

While waiting for my wife to shop after presenting in Adelaide, Australia (a lovely city we really enjoyed), I purchased a copy of Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Originally published in 1936, the book went on to become one of the best-selling books of all time and making Carnegie an international celebrity and an American icon.

The book was used as the text in my first college speech course, and since it had been years since I first read it, I decided to re-read it. The copy of the classic book I purchased was the 1981 revised edition. Carnegie had a gift for expressing profound truths in simple ways. A perfect example is … >>>