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Relationships

Coercion Is Not Always Recognizable

On December 6, 2012 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Coercion isn’t always recognizable.

The other night my wife was viewing the first ten minutes of a movie on TV. She was so enthralled with it that she pressed the “record” button on the DVR and then stopped viewing the program. She wanted to share the movie with me and said that she was saving it until a time when we could watch it together.

When that time came around, her enthusiasm pitched even higher. However, as she turned on the recording and the synopsis of the movie aired, I quickly realized that I had no interest in the show. My wife was so surprised and disappointed that she reiterated her desire to share it and the fact that she … >>>

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Recognize Styles

On November 9, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships

The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. No style is good or bad, right or wrong. Neither is one style better or worse than another; they are just different. Jung articulated a theory of personality behavior styles that he believed are genetically determined.

Styles can be discerned by watching young children and examining how they process experiences. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing.

In Parenting Without Stress, we use the four style descriptions of Thinker, Feeler, Doer, and Relater. To better understand this concept, visualize a directional scale with a thinker in the north, a feeler in the south, a … >>>

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Use Creative Solutions

On October 8, 2012 / Effectiveness, Relationships

The more frequently we remember to take a positive approach, the greater the chances of reducing stress, building trust, avoiding conflicts, and increasing satisfaction and contentment. Creative thinking, however, may be called for in order to achieve these benefits.

This was the case with the two boys and the husband who invariably left their soiled clothes on the floor rather than putting them in the hamper. The sight of the dropped clothes so bothered the wife and mother that she indiscriminately scolded all members of the family. She then asked herself, “How can I turn this into a positive situation for me, as well as for them?” She came up with an idea.

She told her family that whenever she … >>>

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What You See is What You Thought

On October 2, 2012 / Effectiveness, Learning, Relationships

The old story of the two strangers coming to town periodically needs to be reviewed.

An old man was sitting at the gate of a city when a stranger approached.

“Tell me, old man,” said the stranger. “What kind of people live in this city?”

The old man thought for a minute and said, “I don’t know. What kind of people lived in the city where you came from?”

“They were the biggest bunch of thieves you would ever want to meet,” said the stranger. “They’d steal the shirt right off your back.”

The old man said, “You’ll find them the same way here.”

A short time later, another stranger approached and asked the man the same question: “What kind … >>>

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Mean Comments and the Internet

On September 6, 2012 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Have you noticed that people are often meaner online than in real life? Many have blamed this on anonymity and invisibility, because when you are online no one knows who you are or what you look like. However, new research suggests that we may have a tendency to be nasty on the Internet because we do not make eye contact with those with whom we are communicating.

For example, a recent study demonstrated this point by having their subjects look into their partner’s eyes and predict how mean they were. When their eyes were hidden, participants were twice as likely to be hostile. Even if the subjects were both unrecognizable (with only their eyes on the screen) and anonymous, they … >>>

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Reducing Anonymity

On September 4, 2012 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Imagine you are driving on a highway on a Saturday morning. The road is like a ribbon of concrete ready for you to unfurl—not the usual heavy traffic where you can see only the vehicle in front of you.

Your eyes begin to meander. You appreciate the azure blue sky with an occasional cloud, the verdant landscaping along the road, and the beauty of the day.

You glance in the rear view mirror and realize that someone is tailgating you so closely that you can almost feel the driver’s breath on your back. You look at your speedometer; you are going faster than the speed limit allows.

You move over one lane to allow the car to pass. As the … >>>

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Third Culture Korean Kids

On July 2, 2012 / Learning, Relationships

I received the following e-mail:

“I am doing a thesis on Third Culture Korean kids (graduate paper) as a requirement for my Master in TESOL/Adult Literacy. I would love to be in touch with you in order to gather some information from you. NO PRESSURE. I am merely asking this as a favor since you seem to have a grasp on this subject. Thank you ever so kindly.”

Of course, I responded that I would help in any way I could.

I made nine (9) presentations in South Korea and am familiar with “third culture Kids.” These are young people who were born to parents of one nationality and whose parents have taken positions in other than their native country.… >>>

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A Relationship Question

On July 7, 2011 / Relationships

Most relationships would benefit enormously if both people asked—and then reflectively answered—the following question: “What must it be like to be in a relationship with me?”

This reflective question prompts us to look at ourselves from another person’s point of view.

True change can only be activated by oneself—and the first step is to acknowledge or recognize that a change or improvement should take place.… >>>

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Male and Female Differences

On June 21, 2011 / Relationships

Mimi Donaldson, a fellow member of the National Speakers Association, recently gave me a copy of her newest book,”NECESSARY ROUGHNESS: New Rules for the Contact Sport of Life.” The book uses football as a metaphor for the challenges of life.

Mimi is a best-selling author and international speaker who explains genetic differences between males and females. Here are some of my favorites from Mimi’s book:

–While watching a football game on a Sunday afternoon after the whistle blew, Mimi’s friend saw her wiping a tear from her eyes and inquired, “Why?” Mimi responded, “Oh, Joe, “That’s my favorite part of the game. The guy from one team knocked down a guy from the other team. Then he reached his hand … >>>

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Be Kind to One Another

On June 9, 2011 / Relationships

After spending some time recently with me and my wife, my friend asked what was the secret to our relationship.

I replied by sharing the Golden Rule of marriage: “BE KIND TO ONE ANOTHER.”

In all of our married years together, I have never experienced the quickest way to destroy a relationship: register disgust!… >>>

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Procedures to Improve Relationships

On March 17, 2011 / Relationships

Here are a few procedures which can improve relationships.

Focus on observable behavior—rather than on motivation. It is difficult if not impossible to correctly identify that which motivates a person.

Saying, “I would like to finish my thought; then it’s your turn” is more effective than saying , “You don’t want to hear me because you don’t agree.” This assumption of the motivation may not only be irrelevant, it may be totally wrong.

Break tension by movement. This can be by raising a hand, sitting down if standing, extending a hand with an open palm shaped to hold a drinking glass or some other kinesics (body movement) to momentarily alter the mood.

Have an effective, self-evaluative question ready. For example, … >>>

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Marriage Advice

On March 15, 2011 / Relationships

When there is a problem, I have found the easiest way to improve relationships is to have a procedure that can be implemented immediately.

The reason a procedure i so necessary is that emotions supersede cognition. Daniel Goleman, author of Emotional Intelligence,” refers to this as emotional hijacking.

One of the first procedures my wife, Evelyn, and I initiated on our honeymoon was never to go to sleep when we were angry with each other. On occasion we have gone to bed with feelings that have not ranked among the most pleasurable, but we never went to sleep angry. Interestingly, we discovered that talking—regardless of how difficult it was to start—always resulted in good feelings.

We were reminded of … >>>

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The Wrong Way to Fix

On February 17, 2011 / Relationships

We are trained in a deficit model—to fix what is wrong. In a very real sense, our attention is geared at fixing others.

After a meeting with teachers, the student said to his mother, “Why didn’t they talk more about my social studies—what I am good at instead of what I am not good at. All they want to do is fix what is wrong with me.”

The mother responded by saying, “They are trying to help you.”

The student retorted, “No, they are trying to fix me.”

Such are the perceptions of the parent and child. What should it be for the teacher? The answer lies in the question, “What optimizes learning?”

Great teachers know that learning is based … >>>

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Diffusing a Negative Reaction

On January 10, 2011 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Very few people enjoy being challenged. When we hear an opinion different from our own, a natural tendency is to be defensive. The reason is that we interpret our position as being criticized or, at least, not being recognized.

A simple way to turn this situation into an advantage is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s opinion?” The attitude of inquisitiveness enhances learning and diminishes chances of any negative, reactive feelings.

In addition, asking the following question may give insight into the other person’s thinking: “How did you come to that conclusion?”

Learning the thinking and/or thought processes of the other person often clarifies—in addition to diffusing the urge of a negative reaction.… >>>

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Conversing with Relatives

On December 22, 2010 / Relationships

Many of us see more relatives at this time of the year than at any other time.

Here is a suggestion to keep in mind. When you deal with family, loved ones, close friends, and other valued people, don’t begin a new conversation with baggage from the last one—or even think about it. If you do, one small incident or perceived slight can adversely influence that conversation along with days or weeks of future communications.

Goodman Ace, the legendary game show producer, had a classic observation: “If you can’t recall it, forget it.” In many cases, we can’t even recall why we were angry or upset. So, don’t try. Every communication should be thought of as a new one.

This … >>>

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Crucial Questions

On November 24, 2010 / Relationships

In August 1986, Lee Iacocca, then President of Chrysler, addressed the company’s car dealers at their annual convention held that year in Atlantic City, NJ.

Iacocca’s message was to tell his dealers how they could increase their business in the next year. To succeed, he said, “All you have to do is memorize four words. Here they are: ‘Make someone like you.'”

Jim Cathcart’s book, “Relationship Selling,” was a forerunner and still a best seller on the importance of this concept. You see, even the slowest salesperson realizes that you can’t make the customer angry and sell him something at the same time.

Here are some questions to ponder in your relationships with others:

If I were a child, would … >>>

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Parents and Willow Trees

On November 11, 2010 / Relationships

Parents and others working with young people may want to consider the willow tree.

The willow tree bends with the wind; it is flexible and flowing. The oak tree is rigid, hard, stiff, and inflexible.

During a storm, the willow stays intact while the oak looses branches.

This is an important concept in life—especially regarding relationships. Being rigid and inflexible seldom brings about optimal results for all concerned.… >>>

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