Responsibility

A mother of a young boy shared with me her frustration. One of her sons was constantly getting up from the table during dinner, thereby disrupting the environment she wanted to maintain during meal time.

I suggested that she think of the EXACT OPPOSITE of what her son was doing. I then suggested that she put her son in charge of that responsibility.

The conversation would go something like this:
“Jay, I need your help. I want you to be in charge of having all members of the family remain seated during dinner.”

——–

Here, then, is the two-step process:

(1) Put the person in charge of the opposite of what the person is doing. (2) Articulate what you want … >>>

QUESTION:

I am a psychologist who wholeheartedly supports your approach and philosophy. I am also part of a local community visioning process. Our juvenile justice system is working to introduce a “Balanced and Restorative Justice” initiative, which is a wonderful concept that aligns beautifully with your system. However, they have been approached by another project. Not surprisingly, many of those involved (probation officers, etc.) want to implement this other program as soon as possible.

However, as I reviewed its manual, I found that at its core it is about controlling kids through a one-size-fits-all “consequence” (taking away everything they want) and trying to censor and control everything the kids hear, see, wear, and do—simply another behavior-mod program.

Do you have, … >>>

A photographer was taking the graduation picture in a large middle school. The girls positioned themselves in the front rows as directed—with the boys in the rear rows.

To ensure that the boys acted on their best behavior, one of the teachers approached a group of boys who were just standing there and said, “Now boys, don’t push the girls down the risers.”

The boys hadn’t even thought of it!

Remember that the brain thinks in visuals, in pictures—not in text or words. With this in mind, with what message were the boys left?

The next time you don’t want someone to do something, consider whether your message will tempt in a way which is counterproductive. The easiest way to … >>>

Discipline, truancy, and school dropouts are an increasing problem for schools and school districts. When I gave a keynote in Baltimore to personnel involved in this arena, I opened with a story from an experience Dr. William Glasser once told me he had encountered while working with incarcerated girls.

INCIDENT: It was the girl’s first day at the youth facility. She was called for breakfast.

The teenager would not make her bed. It was a rule that beds were to be made before breakfast. The housemother reminded the girl of the rule. The girl called the adult every name in the book and refused to make her bed.

QUESTION: At this presentation, I asked the 300 counselors, psychologists, social workers, … >>>

Manufacturing—building tangibles—has led and fed the economies in the 19th and 20th centuries.

There were a few originators, but most people were followers. Obedience, implementation of rules, and top-down management were the orders of the day.

What drives our 21st century? The creation and distribution of information. Rather than compliance, initiative is required.

People rarely will work for one company all their lives. Increasingly, many people are now working as independent contractors instead of working for others. The number of individual entrepreneurs is continually growing.

People in their twenties are planning their retirements forty years in advance because they no longer believe that traditional retirements will suffice in their older years. The society of the 21st century requires initiative—not merely … >>>

Knowing the cause of a behavior may be interesting but has little to do with changing behavior to become more responsible.

People know when they act inappropriately, but KNOWING the motivation does not stop behavior—nor does it lead to a change in future behavior.

This realization is in direct opposition to many approaches aimed at determining the cause of a behavior—with the assumption that knowing the cause is necessary to change the behavior.

As compelling as it may be to know the motivation (the “Why?”) that prompts behavior, it is the action that will be taken—not the reason(s) for the action—that determines whether or not there will be a change.

Developing a procedure to direct behavior is a significantly more … >>>

When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf,*
And the world makes you king for a day,
Then go to the mirror and look at yourself,
And see what that guy has to say.

For it isn’t your father, or mother, or wife,
Whose judgment upon you must pass,
The fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
Is the guy staring back from the glass.

He’s the fellow to please, never mind all the rest
For he’s with you clear up to the end,
And you’ve passed your most dangerous, difficult test
If the guy in the glass is your friend.

You may be like Jack Horner and “chisel” a plum,
And think you’re a wonderful … >>>

When a person subscribes to my monthly newsletter, "Promoting Responsibility & Learning" at  MarvinMarshall.com, the automated system prompts an inquiry as to how the person found out about it . Responses ranges from parents seeking ways to reduce their stress and promote responsible behavior to the following:

"I am an online student that does research from the net and just came across your site. I found it to be very enlightening and have decided to use it for personal  development."

I responded:

Thanks for taking the time to respond.

You are very perceptive. When you use the approaches, you are engaging in a paradigm shift. To quote Stephen Covey (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, 1989, p. 125), … >>>

There is at the heart of the concept of responsibility the beautiful idea that it is about response (RESPONS-ability)—which means it always has to do with relationships.

Responsibility is inherently mutual. Jean-Jacque Rousseau stated it well when he proclaimed that there is no meaning of responsibility that does not carry mutuality.

So often we treat and confuse responsibility with obedience—as if responsibility can be imposed. There is a failure in the structure of imposition because it lacks mutuality. Although we think we give responsibility, responsibility must be TAKEN if it is to be implemented—hence its mutuality.

Responsibility has a counterpart: accountability. One reason that people resist imposed accountability is that the people at the top tell others what they are … >>>

There is at the heart of the concept of responsibility the beautiful idea that it is about response (RESPONS-ability), which means it always has to do with relationships.

Responsibility is inherently mutual. Jean-Jacques Rousseau stated it well when he proclaimed that there is no meaning of responsibility that does not carry mutuality. We too often treat and confuse responsibility with obedience—as if responsibility can be imposed. There is a failure in the structure of imposition because it lacks mutuality. Although we think we give responsibility, responsibility must be TAKEN if it is to be implemented—hence its mutuality.

Responsibility has a counterpart: accountability. One reason that people resist imposed accountability is that the people at the top tell others what they … >>>

A friend was visiting us with his wife and four-year-old and six-month-old sons.

As they were about to leave, the four-year-old jumped onto the driver’s seat of the van. The mother mentioned what a challenge young Adam is becoming and mentioned that trying to get him out of the driver’s seat will be a real chore.

I suggested to her that every time she tried to make him do something or stop doing something, he would resist and that her most successful approach would be one that did not involve coercion. I suggested that every time she tells him to do something, he will interpret it as an attempt to control him and that she will be creating a challenge … >>>

The following is from a personal communication from Nancy Snow, District Guidance Officer, Newcastle, New South Wales, Australia:

“Choice is the basic ingredient for the promotion of
prosocial values. If we want kids to be caring, kind, and
generous, we have to have them become aware of choices.
You cannot mandate responsibility, persistence,
consideration, honesty, or integrity. These values are
chosen; therefore, the concept of choice is essential to
the teaching and learning of values.”

Young people will choose these values and become more self-disciplined when  (1) positive benefits are explored, (2) they are prompted to reflect on their choices, and (3) influence—rather than coercion—is used.… >>>

The following is from an e-mail I received after presenting in Dearborn, Michigan:

You taught the teachers at my school (The  Dearborn Academy) about several
ways to increase responsibility and self-discipline in our students.

I am happy to tell you that many teachers implemented their new skills
in their classes today. I used several myself. Two times today students a
asked me what to do. I asked them what they thought they should do.
Both times they said that they  didn’t know, and both times I replied with,
“Well if you knew what to do, what would it be?”

I was happy to hear both of the students tell me exactly what they were
supposed to do. It worked!

I … >>>

While presenting in Warren, New Jersey, I had the pleasure of meeting Vanita Braver, M.D., a child and adolescent psychiatrist. She  sent me her first two books from her planned nine book series, “Teach Your Children Well.” Since the foundation of my approach is to foster responsibility and since I present and keynote at many character education conferences, I was delighted after reading these first two books from the series.

When Dr. Braver first showed me the manuscript, I sent her the following endorsement:

Children who have low self-esteem are unhappy children.
They are unhappy because they think negative thoughts
about themselves. An excellent approach to changing this
way of thinking is to expose them to stories that teach
how … >>>

Schools use detention for discipline in an attempt to promote responsible behavior. The premise is that punishment redirects irresponsibility. (I wish I would think that the rationale is not for retribution.)

When giving public seminars, I would often ask how many of the attendees were in schools that had detention. Most attendees raised their hands. I then asked how many found that very often the same students were serving detention. Inevitably, the same hands were again raised. I then would comment, “Doesn’t that say something about the ineffectiveness of detention?”

Perhaps the best paragraph I have read on the issue is from LouAnne Johnson in her book, “The Queen of Education.”

Using detention as a catchall cure for student
misbehaviors … >>>

Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages to giving praise. Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when the youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase which starts with, “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT (LEVEL  C). By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction and self-discipline for future LEVEL D motivation in the Hierarchy of Social Development.

Notice the difference in the following examples: “I am so pleased with the way you treated your brother,” versus “You treated your brother with real consideration.” “I like the way you are working,” versus “Your working shows … >>>

Adversity is a natural and ongoing part of life.

You have a responsibility to transform adversities into challenges and opportunities.… >>>

QUESTION:

I attended your session at the Brain Expo in San Diego. I have put your ideas into practice in my classroom and am now researching the pitfalls of behaviorism and rewards and consequences for my Master’s Degree.

I am looking at the variables of an autocratic classroom that uses rewards and consequences and a democratic classroom that uses expectations, choice, and reflection in classroom management.

RESPONSE:

I shy away from describing a classroom as “democratic.” I use the term, “Democracy,” for level D because democracy and responsibility are inseparable—and the prime purpose of the Hierarchy is to promote responsibility. I know that some teachers use the phrase, “democratic classroom,” but I think this carries the implicit message that the … >>>