Responsibility

Nurture Responsible Behavior

On November 8, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

We’ve all heard the old saying that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” But that’s not true. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.

The fact is that the grass is greenest where you water it. So if you want responsible behavior, you can’t just expect it to just happen. You must tend to it. Are you watering the seeds of responsibility in your own children and students?

You nurture responsible behavior by having high expectations, promoting decision-making at early ages, not accepting victimhood thinking, and not doing things for young people that they can do for themselves.

Remember, people grow … >>>

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Instill Responsibility

On October 28, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

I was recently talking to a mother of a five-year-old boy about rules versus responsibilities. I’ve often said that rules are meant to control, while responsibilities empower. This mother was a great example of how this mindset plays out in the home.

She explained that in their home, everyone (mom, dad, and all the children) all have the same responsibility: “to help the family unit run smoothly.” How each person acts out that responsibility is up to them. She explained that even her five-year-old son had this responsibility instilled in him. In fact, it’s common for him to do the laundry (correctly), clean up the dinner plates (without being asked), and tidy up the living room each morning before leaving … >>>

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Teenagers and Dinner Cleanup

On October 14, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Having adolescents clean up after themselves is a real challenge for many adults. Here is a question I received:

Last night I requested my 14-year-old daughter to assist me with work in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher and loading it again with dirty dishes. She said she would do it but had her own timetable as to when she was going to do it. She said in five minutes and continued to watch television. By then I had already requested her help four or five times. Suddenly, out of sheer fatigue and irritation (I am diabetic and sometimes I express myself this way out of exhaustion!), I yelled at her that I needed it to be done “right now.” She … >>>

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Getting Children to Dress Themselves

On October 11, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Getting a youngster to dress is a challenge for many parents, as this communication to me describes:

I’m having a problem dressing my five-year-old son. He often takes a very long time to get dressed in the morning. We give him 20 minutes, which we know is ample because when he’s motivated he can do it in 3 minutes flat. Yet 20 minutes later he’s still only half dressed, having been distracted by toys, books, a dripping faucet, an ant on the floor, or just about anything. This behavior is making my husband late for work every morning. We’ve tried taking the offending toy or book away from him, but we can’t take away the world.

When I talk with … >>>

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Parents are Role Models for Change

On October 9, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “The human mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” When young people learn about the Hierarchy of Social Development and the various levels, they become more aware of social responsibilities and their relationships with others.

Of course, knowing the hierarchy is one thing. Using it daily is another. Evaluating one’s own behavior can be so challenging and threatening that it is often avoided. So if you want children to effectively use the hierarchy, you can influence them to do so by starting with yourself. Reflecting on the different levels involves engaging in self-evaluation—the type of activity that prompts motivation to change in a non-threatening way, which is a major reason for … >>>

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Modeling Responsibility

On September 25, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Many parents take the caretaker role too far by accepting responsibility for making the child happy and putting their own desires aside. This approach is not good for the parent or for the growing child. When the child continually asks the parent to do something, and the parent does what the child requests, the parent sooner or later may feel some resentment and even anger. Notice the implicit learning: It teaches that the child does not need to value the parent’s desires or the parent’s time—that the child comes first.

The child not only learns to be manipulative but also becomes more demanding of the parent’s time. It would be better for the parent to sometimes say, “I’ll do … >>>

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Parents as Role Models

On September 20, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

It’s often said that parents are a child’s first role model. This is so true, as evidenced by the following story a parent sent in.

“My son started putting himself in timeouts probably because that’s what I did with myself. If I got frustrated or angry or impatient with him, I would excuse myself and say, ‘I am going to go sit on the porch and take a break; I’ll come back and talk with you when I’m calm.’ He usually came to look for me to apologize for his behavior or to see if I was all right.”

What kind of responsible behavior are you modeling for your children?… >>>

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How to Get Children to do Homework

On September 9, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Now that school is in session all over the country, many parents are asking for help dealing with homework—specifically how to handle a child who simply refuses to do homework.

For parents, it’s natural to think that getting children to do their homework is part of their job. As such, they may fight with their children, impose discipline when youngsters refuse to do their homework, or even beg and plead for children to complete their assignments. All of these scenarios take the responsibility for completing homework off the children and instead places it on the parent’s plate.

So what’s the solution?

First, realize that no one can force another person to learn. Children need to be motivated. If there is … >>>

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Choices Build Responsibility

On September 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Offering choices raises responsibility because it is related to the issue of control. A person who makes choices gains control, and having control is a requirement for taking responsibility. Choice, control, and responsibility are inseparable:

Make a choice, and control is enhanced.

Fail to choose, and control is diminished.

Deny responsibility, and control is given up.

Choose responsibility, and control increases.

Here is an example shared with me by a friend who understood the basic need of all humans—of any age—to feel some sense of control over their lives.

My elderly mother was recovering from a very difficult surgery. Because of her weakened condition, she had lost her ability to walk and there was doubt about whether she would be

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

A Driver’s License Story about Responsibility

On August 13, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

After using the Raise Responsibility System in their home, a family had an amazing incident with their 15-year-old son. Here is the story in the mother’s own words:

We live on a very large piece of property and my husband was preparing our son for driving by allowing him to drive the firewood truck from one area to another under guidance and supervision. He would also allow our son to move our vehicles around in the driveway. The expectation was always the same: This was a privilege and only possible when my husband was in the vehicle. One day while we were at work, our son decided to drive the car up and down the driveway on his own. The … >>>

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Encouragement vs. Praise

On August 9, 2013 / Learning, Responsibility

Giving children specific feedback and encouraging them to evaluate their own work is a form of encouragement.

If we think of praise as a general statement, such as, “You did a good job” or “I like what you did,” we have not given the youngsters feedback for a basis to evaluate or improve. We have also given a personal opinion.

In contrast, if we think of encouragement as giving specific feedback, such as “You filled the whole page with color,” or “You wrote your whole name,” then we are removing personal opinion. We are stating our observation.

When we encourage by giving feedback, we gently push the child to do … >>>

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Rules, Citizenship, and Discipline

On August 6, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

A common practice in classrooms around the world is to establish classroom rules, either by the teacher alone or by the teacher and students cooperatively. Rules are necessary in games, but in relationships they are counterproductive. Although the establishment of rules has good intentions, their implementation often produces deleterious effects.

When Johns Hopkins University researchers analyzed data from more than 600 schools, they found six characteristics associated with discipline problems. Notice that the first three concerned rules.

Rules were unclear or perceived as unfairly or inconsistently enforced.
Students didn’t believe in the rules.
Teachers and administrators didn’t know what the rules were or disagreed on the proper responses to student misconduct.
Teacher-administrator cooperation was poor or the administration was inactive.

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Rewards, Employment, and Responsibility

On August 2, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Responsibility

I was asked, “Why do adults work?”

The inquirer continued, “If not primarily for monetary reasons! We have a need and work is a means to achieve that end. Yes, there may be other drives but financial gain is the primary one. Why isn’t it the same with children? Find something else that motivates the child. I simply don’t believe that appealing to a 6-year-old’s sense of ‘what’s right’ will do the job. This might seem jaded but I’ve tested both ways and I see what works.”

The following was my response:

If a youngster likes chocolate, for example, and if receiving the reward is contingent on performing the requirement, then of course this incentive works. If the youngster, on … >>>

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Why Rewards for Homework Don’t Work

On July 25, 2013 / Learning, Responsibility

Here’s yet another example of why rewarding children for doing something that’s expected of them is counterproductive.

I was talking with a 7-year-old girl who is about to enter the second grade about her experience in the previous grade. She explained to me that every night the first grade students had a short book to read for homework. The procedure was that they had to bring the book home, read it, complete a short worksheet about what they read, and return both the book and the completed worksheet to class the next day.

She, however, often forgot to take her book home, forgot to read it, forgot to fill out the worksheet, or forgot to bring both items back to … >>>

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A Simple Way to Promote Responsibility

On July 18, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Always encourage youngsters to look to themselves to solve problems, rather than relying on others. This is of critical importance because parents, desiring to help their children, too often do things for them that they could and should be doing themselves. In these situations, parents not only create more work and more stress for themselves, but, more important, they deprive young people of opportunities for growth and developing responsibility.

As it has been aptly said, “If you want children to keep their feet on the ground, put some responsibility on their shoulders.” If your children are to learn how to become responsible, they must experience responsibility.

When children have a problem, rather than solve it for them, ask, “What do … >>>

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Breathing Techniques Help Youth Deal with Impulse Control

On July 16, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

A new study from the University of California, Los Angeles, found that teens who went through a four-week program where they learned about yoga-based breathing techniques had better impulse control than teens who didn’t go through the program. The program, called “YES! for Schools,” was developed by the nonprofit International Association for Human Values.

Researchers had 524 Los Angeles area high school students go through the four-week program. They also recruited 264 teens to be in a control group that didn’t go through the program. After the four weeks, the students who went through the program reported feeling less impulsive than those who didn’t. The researchers noted that the findings are important because lack of impulse control is linked with … >>>

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