Posts Tagged change another person

Want Better Relationships? Do Less

On November 26, 2020 / Relationships

We all want better relationships, whether it’s with a spouse/partner, parent, friend, child, or co-worker. In an attempt to make the relationship better, many people mistakenly do more of the wrong things.

If you’re not sure what the “wrong things” are, answer these questions:

How do you feel when someone criticizes you?
How do you feel when someone blames you?
How do you feel when someone complains to you?
How do you feel when someone nags you?
How do you feel when someone threatens to do something to you?
How do you feel when someone punishes you?
How do you feel when someone offers you a bribe to do something?

Yes, criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, … >>>

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Influence versus Force: Which Works Better to Encourage Change?

On July 30, 2020 / Effectiveness, Leadership

How many times have you interacted with someone who you deemed difficult and wished you could somehow encourage change in the person? Maybe it was a co-worker, a family member, or even a child. It’s natural to want others to change and be more agreeable or friendly or even more like us. But is it possible to make people change?

Many people try to encourage change in others by using force. Depending on the relationship, they may use dominance to initiate the change (as in an employer/employee relationship). Or they may use nagging and criticizing (as in a family relationship). Or they may use coercion, bribing, or punishment (as in a parent/child relationship). However, they quickly learn that none of … >>>

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7 Things That Never Prompt Change

On December 19, 2019 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Chances are that at one point you’ve attempted to change another person. We’ve all done it. Unfortunately, most people try to prompt change in others the wrong way.

Dr. William Glasser, the originator of “Reality Therapy” and “Choice Theory,” believed that attempts to change others by using “external control psychology” (including the common approaches of imposing punishments or rewarding to control) are eventually doomed to fail. He referred to such “external approaches” as the “seven deadly habits.” He listed them as: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control.

To prove his point, just respond to the following:

How do you feel when someone criticizes you?
How do you feel when someone blames you?
How do you feel

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Discipline and Change

On January 20, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Although you can control another person through outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards, you cannot change what a person thinks. People think and change themselves.

Ben Franklin said, “You cannot coerce people into changing their minds.” Once you learn this simple fact of life, the next question is, “How can I best influence the person to change?” The answer will always be through a noncoercive approach. Using positivity, choice, and reflection (all of which are discussed in detail on this site and in my books Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress) will increase your effectiveness in influencing others and will also result in improved relationships and fewer discipline challenges.

Remember, a change in behavior … >>>

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The Facts about Changing Others

On October 22, 2012 / Effectiveness, Parenting

The third practice for parenting without stress and for raising responsible children is called Reflection. In order to understand the power and significance of reflection, you need a clear understanding of two basic facts of life:

The first is that any control of another person is temporary.
The second is that attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person.

As long as we believe that we can change another person, there is a natural tendency for a parent to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what we want.

Just for a moment, think of one person with whom you have had a personal relationship—a child, spouse, significant other, parent, … >>>

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