Which would you rather have: a child who does what you ask but only when you ask (an obedient child) … or a child who does the right thing even when no one is looking simply because it’s the right thing to do (a responsible child)? Most parents and teachers choose the latter. But if that’s what we want, why are so many adults still using outdated discipline techniques that promote obedience rather than responsibility? Such techniques include telling young people what to do, punishing them if they do not, and rewarding them if they do. These approaches teach only one thing: obedience. The shortcomings of obedience appear when teachers and parents are not around to use these external motivators.
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Many parents rely on outdated discipline techniques—such as imposed punishments and rewards—in an attempt to change their child’s behavior. But does discipline really change how a person acts? The answer is “no.” Consider these two basic facts of life: Any control of another person is temporary. Attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person. Although you can control others, you cannot change anyone but yourself. As long as parents believe they can change their child, they’ll have a natural tendency to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what the parent wants. But the fact is that you can’t change others. You can only change yourself. Certainly, a parent can use
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 14 Number 2
#1 Quantifying learning
#2 Bullying exercise
#3 Mindfulness
Any parent can attest that at times their children—and especially adolescents—simply don’t like them. This usually occurs when the parent won’t let the child do something (like go to a party), or when the parent asks the youth to do something considered “not cool” (like drive the old “clunker” rather than the sporty new car). Of course, few children will go down without a fight. They’ll whine and even scream things like, “You don’t understand,” or “I’m the only one who has to,” or “I’ll die if you don’t let me.” These are simply the youths’ attempt to have the parent relent. However, many parents fight back and try to discipline the youth by imposing punishments or offering a
READ MORE >>> →I always say that responsibility is taken, never given or told. In other words, using outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards won’t result in students acting responsibly. They must have the internal motivation to want to act a certain way. With that said, there are things teachers can do to create an environment that fosters their students’ desire to be responsible. Here are a few: When a student acts out, before resorting to the usual discipline techniques, remember that no one comes to school to get into trouble. Think of students as lacking skills to handle impulses—or that the behavior is the student’s best effort at the time to handle a frustration. Few students are maliciously disruptive. Speaking
READ MORE >>> →Whether in the classroom or at home, all children act out at times. When it occurs, rather than discipline them by imposing a punishment if they continue or promising a reward if they stop, try a few verbal techniques that promote responsibility in the youth and reduce stress for you. Rather than telling the child that he or she is off task, not doing something correctly, or acting irresponsibly, ask the child to reflect on the level of chosen behavior of the Raise Responsibility System’s hierarchy. Children with short attention spans have a difficult time getting started on a task and staying on a task. Therefore, give clear, concise, directions. In the classroom, rather than just say, “Get ready to
READ MORE >>> →Your mindset drives your behavior and how you react to others. The same is true for children. As the adult, you can assist young people by the pictures you help create for them. Here’s how mindsets specifically relate to discipline and behavior. If you view irresponsible behavior to be deliberatively disruptive, then you’ll likely employ coercive discipline approaches, such as imposed punishments, rewards, or telling/lecturing. As a result, chances are that you’ll experience poor relationships with the children you’re interacting with and lots of stress. In contrast, if you perceive that the behavior is the youngster’s best attempt to solve a frustration or problem, then you’ll naturally view the situation as an opportunity to help and use noncoercive discipline approaches,
READ MORE >>> →Being an effective parent and person in general is all about having the discipline to make good choices. We all have the freedom to choose how we act, what we say, how we respond to situations and challenges, how we treat other people, and how we deal with an impulse. Each choice, no matter how small, is always accompanied by a cost, a consequence, or a result. If, for example, you watch a television program, it was at the “cost” of not doing something else. If you get angry and kick the machine you are working on, the cost or consequence can be a broken toe. If you create a relationship with a server at a restaurant by asking the
READ MORE >>> →Many parents and teachers rely on telling and/or lecturing as a discipline strategy. It certainly seems to be a better choice than imposing a punishment or offering a reward. But using telling/lecturing as discipline is equally ineffective. Following are six reasons why telling/lecturing is a poor discipline strategy, and what to do instead. After childhood, telling is often interpreted as an attempt to control. Whenever we tell people what to do, we convey a subtle, negative message that what they have been doing is wrong or not good enough. Even if you have an excellent relationship with the person, telling often creates defensiveness—even when the person feels that what you are telling is in the person’s own best interest. That
READ MORE >>> →Too many parents and teacher rely on rewards. They believe that if they reward children for doing something good, the need for discipline will decrease. In fact, rewards don’t reduce discipline issues because they don’t teach children how to be responsible. Here are 5 reasons why rewards don’t work. 1. Rather than a discipline strategy, a reward is actually a bribe. Young people do not need bribes to be good. 2. Rewards can be great incentives—if the person chooses to work toward the reward. If the person is not interested in the reward or does not work toward receiving the reward, it is not much of an incentive. 3. Rewards can be wonderful acknowledgments. They serve to give recognition. 4.
READ MORE >>> →In the classroom, punishment as discipline is too often used for those who don’t need it. These students will respond without punitive action. Imposing punishment moves ownership from the student to the teacher. Imposing punishment is teacher-dependent. The threat of punishment may coerce a student to act appropriately in one class but have no effect on the way the student interacts with others outside of that class. By the time students have reached the secondary level, some have been lectured to, yelled at, sent out of the classroom, kept after school, referred to the office, suspended in school, suspended from school, and referred to Saturday school so often that these students simply no longer care. Behavior may temporarily change at
READ MORE >>> →Rewards Using rewards is a flawed discipline strategy. Granted, rewards can work as incentives. And in competition, rewards can be very effective motivators—but not so in learning. Grades are a case in point. They only serve as an incentive if the student is interested in obtaining a good grade. Also, grades rarely produce the highest quality learning because the focus is on the grade, not the best work a student is capable of doing. Rewards are wonderful acknowledgments. However, in The Raise Responsibility System, rewards are not given for expected standards of behavior (a common practice). Giving rewards for appropriate behavior is counterproductive to promoting responsibility. Rewards change motivation from an internal to an external source. Punishments Adult punishments are
READ MORE >>> →New federal guidelines regarding school suspensions for discipline are misguided because some of the recommendations are counterproductive. Specifically, rewarding students for good behavior and creating student codes of contact that spell out sanctions for violations are old and ineffective approaches for this new generation of 21st century young people. Rewarding students for good behavior is built on good intentions but is counterproductive. Manipulative approaches of bribing by giving rewards for desired behaviors are effective only for the moment. The reward motivates the person to get the reward but does not build the characteristic for wanting to become more responsible. Besides, rewards punish those people who do everything that the rewarded person does but without also receiving the reward. This is
READ MORE >>> →Although you can control another person through outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards, you cannot change what a person thinks. People think and change themselves. Ben Franklin said, “You cannot coerce people into changing their minds.” Once you learn this simple fact of life, the next question is, “How can I best influence the person to change?” The answer will always be through a noncoercive approach. Using positivity, choice, and reflection (all of which are discussed in detail on this site and in my books Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress) will increase your effectiveness in influencing others and will also result in improved relationships and fewer discipline challenges. Remember, a change in behavior is as much
READ MORE >>> →Rules are meant to control—not inspire. Rules are necessary in games. Between people, however, rules result in adversarial relationships and actually increase discipline issues. Why? Because rules require enforcement. In addition, rules are often stated in negative terms and imply an imposed consequence if not followed. Rules place the teacher in the position of the enforcer—a cop wearing a blue uniform with copper buttons—rather than of a teacher, coach, mentor, facilitator of learning, or educator. Enforcing rules can result in power struggles that rarely result in win-win situations or good relationships. Upon analysis, you will see that rules are either procedures or expectations. Therefore, rather than relying on rules, you will be much more effective if you teach procedures, which
READ MORE >>> →The following is from my Discipline Without Stress Resource Guide. It gives a good overview of what discipline really is … and what it isn’t. I’d love to hear your thoughts about discipline. Please contribute in the comments below. ***** What Is Discipline? “Discipline is understood in a very limited way by most educators—How do we get these children to behave?—rather than How do we support the people in our charge as they learn to channel and direct their positive energy in ways that accomplish their goals and those of their community?” -Dr. Richard E. Clark, Chair Department of Educational Psychology, University of Southern California “To many people, discipline means punishment. But, actually, to discipline means to teach. Rather than
READ MORE >>> →People learn best when they feel safe—physically, socially, emotionally—and when they participate academically. When students feel anxious or believe that they will feel bad, learning is diminished. Unfortunately, many teachers inadvertently make students feel bad as a result of the discipline approach they use. Manipulative discipline approaches of bribing by giving rewards for desired behaviors and coercive discipline approaches of imposing punishments are effective only for the moment. An important point to remember when relying on these “external” approaches is that they depend on someone else. They are useless when an adult is not around. Aside from imposed punishments, even rewarding behavior can engender negative feelings—as when an award is expected but is not forthcoming. Most important, although you
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 14 Number 1
#3 Importance of self-talk
#4 Words and emotions
#5 Drug abuse