There are many reasons for not imposing punishment as discipline to promote responsibility with young people. Among them are: (1) a young person is not an adult with just a younger body, (2) hurting a child in order to instruct or harming a young person in order to teach is contrary to all we know about the brain and learning, (3) an imposed punishment satisfies the punisher more than it changes the behavior of the person being punished, (4) an imposed punishment promotes adversarial relationships and resistance, and perhaps most important, (5) imposing a punishment is not nearly as effective as eliciting a consequence or a procedure to change behavior. In almost all cases, rewards and punishments need to be
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Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 3
#1 A collection of my learning articles
#2 Everything has a price
#4 Honesty is the best policy
Referring to “Responsibilities” is more effective than using “Rules.” When raising and disciplining children, many parents rely on rules. In reality, though, the use of the term “rules” in parenting is often counterproductive. Rules are used to control—not to inspire. Although essential in games, rules are counterproductive in relationships. Think of it this way: If a rule is broken, a mindset of enforcement is naturally created. The adult’s thinking goes something like, “If I don’t do something about this, it will occur again and I’ll lose my authority.” The situation between the adult and child immediately becomes adversarial. The use of the term “rules” prompts the parent to assume the role of a cop—a position of enforcement—rather than a more
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 2
#2 15-minute rule
#5 Learning and embarrassment
#6 Rewards change motivation
The Japanese carp fish, also known as koi, has seemingly unlimited growth potential. If you put a koi in a small fish bowl, it will grow to only two or three inches long. In an average aquarium it will reach six to ten inches. In a pond, it can grow to be a foot and a half. And if the koi is placed in a lake, where it can really stretch out, it can grow up to three feet long. The size of the fish is proportional to the size of its home. It works this way with young people, too. They grow according to how we treat them—not physically, of course, but intellectually, psychologically, and emotionally. Traditional discipline approaches stunt
READ MORE >>> →If you want to increase your effectiveness with others, you need to develop a “listening attitude.” In fact, your listening attitude is more important than anything you say in response to someone. Your attitude of respect and understanding is more important than your ability to formulate brilliant responses, as the following slightly abridged thought by Ralph Roughton, M.D., illustrates: When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked. When I ask you to listen to me, and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings. When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to
READ MORE >>> →Collaboration Improves Quality of Learning. Collaboration is a much more effective approach to improve and enhance learning. Collaboration structures student interaction for maximum participation. ASKING vs. POSING The traditional approach to involve students is to ask them a question. Students then compete for the teacher’s attention by raising their hands. Using this approach, the only winner becomes the student the teacher calls upon. In a primary class, one can see the hands dropping and hear the sounds of disappointment from those who were not called upon. Instead of this approach of students’ competing for the teacher’s attention by the teacher’s asking a question, a more effective approach is to pose the question. Posing—in contrast to asking—infers open-endedness, invites students to
READ MORE >>> →Teaching is an art, not a science. There are many things in life that everyone knows exists but that cannot be quantified. Love and friendship are but two simple examples. • “Bureaucratic solutions to problems of practice will always fail because effective teaching is not routine, students are not passive, and questions of practice are not simple, predictable, or standardized.” —Linda Darling-Hammond from her award winning book, The Right to Learn • W. Edwards Deming, the guru of quality, said, “What is most important cannot be measured. The variables are too great.” Educational theorists have attempted to bring the educational profession to the same status as professionals in the physical and biological sciences. This is exemplified by using the same
READ MORE >>> →Eliciting a consequence is not imposing a punishment. Joy Widmann of Crosscreek Charter School in Louisburg, North Carolina wrote the following: Students learn that they have choices; it makes them more reflective, that they can handle or figure out problems, and that I respect their ideas (even though I don’t always agree with them). Respecting your students is the fastest way to get them to respect you. DWS isn’t against consequences. A consequence is different from a punishment. A punishment is something that is imposed by a second or third party. It usually has no connection to the behavior, and frequently belittles or shames the offender. It is coercive in nature and is designed to make the person feel bad or
READ MORE >>> →An example of how to influence and improve relationships When you are about to engage in a disagreement, try the following: Say, “I don’t want to win; I just want to understand what you are saying. My objective is to clarify, not influence. “You’re saying that you believe A B and C. I believe A B and D. So don’t we really agree more than we differ?” At the worst you have clarified. At the best you have minimized any disagreement. In any event, it’s good to know where you agree and where you differ. The key is to state at the outset that your goal is not to win, but to clarify. Clarity is not only more important than agreement,
READ MORE >>> →The Raise Responsibility System is so easy to implement. Jillian Esby, an elementary science teacher in Los Angeles, California sent me the following and said, “I’m glad you enjoyed my success story, and yes, I would be honored if you would use it to help others understand the great benefits of the Discipline Without Stress program.” Here is her story. Last Friday, three third graders left their homeroom in route to my class (science) and on the way chose to yell and scream and play an impromptu game of tag. (At my school, we don’t walk the kids from class to class, and all the classroom doors lead outside, so they were coming across the playground.) Upon hearing the commotion,
READ MORE >>> →Your choice of influencing determines your success. Young people are influenced in one of FIVE ways that can be classified into two categories: external and internal. EXTERNAL Approach 1 – Manipulation (Bribes and Rewards) Rewards can serve as effective incentives—if the person is interested in the reward. School grades are a case in point. The reward of a good grade is important to some students but not of interest to others. If a good grade—or ANY REWARD—is not important to the person, that reward has little value as an incentive. Rewards can also serve as wonderful acknowledgements—ways of congratulating merit and demonstrating appreciation. But notice that these are awarded AFTER the behavior—not as bribes beforehand. Regardless of how much we
READ MORE >>> →Anyone with young children knows that they love to take all their toys out when they play. Of course, someone has to clean up the toys, and that’s when the stress begins. While children do enjoy taking the toys off the shelves and out of toy boxes, they often have to be asked (multiple times) to clean up after themselves. After a few ignored requests, it’s common for parents to get frustrated and resort to ineffective discipline techniques, such as offering a reward for cleaning up, threatening punishment if the room remains messy, or nagging and lecturing until the task is done. A better approach, and the one promoted in Parenting Without Stress, is to make a game out of
READ MORE >>> →Sibling rivalry is so old a situation that it is one of the first stories related in Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Cain and Able were the two sons of Adam and Eve. In the story, Cain is a crop farmer and his younger brother, Abel, is a shepherd. According to the narrative, Cain, out of jealousy, eventually killed Abel. On a lighter note, one of my favorite cartoons shows two very elderly men, one pushing another in a wheelchair. The men are arguing about which parent loved him more. In a matter of speaking, all children have different parents because they see their parents through their own experiences, thoughts, and feelings. The conversation usually revolves around each of the
READ MORE >>> →If a behavioral change is necessary, the stress should be on the student—not the teacher. A LETTER FROM A TEACHER Marv: Without what I have learned from you I would never have made it in the long-term sub job in the Special Education Department here at school. At times I was alone with children who were constantly punished and rewarded. I started by not doing any of it but asking questions and having them reflect. They learned that no matter what they did I would not react to their behaviors—except to ask if what they were doing was appropriate and responsible. Before long, I could predict their behaviors with others and with me. I was stress free and wondered how some
READ MORE >>> →A collection of my articles on LEARNING has recently been published in TEACHERS MATTER by Karen Boyes of New Zealand. Feel free to download, print, and share the publication. Articles include: Counterproductive Approaches Elicit, Rather than Impose Five Practices of Superior Teachers The Brain, Sleep, and Learning The Brain and Exercise Explaining Internal vs. External Motivation Competition and Learning Joy in Learning Defining Success Understanding Counterwill Reducing Stress Classroom Management and Visualization A Better Approach than Relying on Rules Language, the Brain, and Behavior Discipline Is a Liberating Word Immaculate Perception See It and Learn It
READ MORE >>> →Rewarding young people for expected standards of behavior is counterproductive for promoting responsibility. Yet so many parents and teachers use rewards. Let’s explore some of the reasons. Rewards offer a seductively quick and easy way to create obedience. Asking a child to do something in order to gain a reward is an effective way to manipulate behavior in the short term. For example, promising, “If you sit here quietly for Mommy, in just a little while I’ll buy you some ice cream,” often produces the desired result. When the child suddenly chooses to behave, rewards can seem very effective. Candy, games, and movies can all be used to manipulate young people toward good behavior. But consider how long the effect
READ MORE >>> →Everything has a price. Are you willing to pay it? At the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, one of the world’s great technology universities, new students are asked to choose two from the following: friends, grades, or sleep. The point, of course, is that one cannot have all three. The concept that “everything has a price” is similar to “opportunity costs” that economists refer to. For example, if you watch a television program, rather than read a book, you have lost the time that could have been devoted to reading. The opportunity cost was in losing reading time. That would have been the price you spent for watching television. The principle is simple—yet it can be life-changing. Simply ask yourself, “What
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