Striving for perfection, rather than for continual improvement, leaves children and students reluctant to admit mistakes or apologize when in the wrong. Believe it or not, but a common manifestation of perfectionism is that students stop learning; they simply give up. Perfectionism becomes so tyrannical that students develop anxiety attacks. This leads to the thinking pattern that they cannot perform or engage in the activity because they will not be good enough. The next stage is total paralysis. Adults should foster failure as feedback. Failing is a natural outcome of trying, and it is a great teacher. That is, it can be if the choice is to learn from it rather than be crushed by it. The adult’s message to
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I am not a fan of the self-esteem movement because I have always thought that a person’s self-esteem comes from his or her own self-talk. This self-talk emanates primarily from a person’s nature and experiences, rather than from some external agent(s). The “Scientific American Mind”—volume 16, number 4—contains an interesting article entitled, “Exploding the Self-Esteem Myth,” with the subtitle: “Boosting People’s Sense of Self-Worth Has Become a National Preoccupation. Yet Surprisingly, Research Shows that Such Efforts Do Little to Improve Academic Performance or Prevent Troublesome Behavior.” One study cited eludes to responsibility as a prime factor in self-esteem: “…students who take responsibility for their grades not only get better grades but they also learn that they, personally, can control the
READ MORE >>> →While doing some internet research about discipline and responsibility, I came across the following poem. The author is listed as Anonymous. If you know who the author is, please let me know so I can give the poet proper attribution. Enjoy! Responsibility Poem I am responsible for all that I do, from turning in work to making friends too. I choose if my room will be messy or clean, I make the choice to be kind or mean. It is up to me just how much I will learn, the grades that I get will be grades that I earn. I make the choice to be happy or sad, to have a good day or have
READ MORE >>> →At some point we all have to deal with a difficult child. But before you engage in discipline, realize that often kids would rather be bad than stupid. In fact, a reason they misbehave is they don’t want to be failures. The Raise Responsibility System is the foundation for handling irresponsible behavior. However, sometimes you have to do a little bit more to help a youngster become more responsible. In these instances, rather than look to the coercive discipline methods of punishments, rewards, or lectures, try to engage in coaching. Here’s how it works: Think of young people as lacking skills, rather than as being non-compliant. Few children are maliciously non-compliant. We teach young people how to swing a baseball
READ MORE >>> →Intrinsic motivation and having someone else discipline you is an oxymoron, as in “cruel kindness.” One invalidates the other. By definition, “INTRINSIC MOTIVATION” infers something you WANT or LIKE to do. Would you WANT to have someone else punish you? I promote using “INTERNAL”—rather than “INTRINSIC”—motivation (although technically all motivation is internal) because taking responsibility and being considerate of others is not something that is “natural.” These characteristics need to be taught. Saying, “Thank you” and “Please” are not inborn communications civilities. If you are a parent you know this by the number of times it is necessary to remind young people of this social nicety. Motivation prompts our behavior. We are motivated to get out of bed in the
READ MORE >>> →This is an example of how to have a student change attitude and behavior. While working with a middle school for three days, I was asked by the counselor to conduct a discipline counseling session. The request was to work with a student who was a major challenge to the school. The counselor sat in the session and observed how I used noncoercion and collaboration to prompt a change in the student’s attitude and behavior. I started the meeting by asking the student, “What was the situation that brought you to the office?” Alicia (not her real name) replied that she had called someone a bad name. I mentioned that it seemed to me that the impulse of being unkind
READ MORE >>> →Stress can be reduced by what we think. Some experts suggest that a little stress is good, but high levels of stress are harmful to most people. However, it is possible to perform well when relaxed (think masters of kung fu). In my opinion, that should be the goal: a classroom (and life) that is productive and virtually stress-free. A traffic jam can prompt feelings of stress one day but not the next, indicating that, with the right training, we are be able to face stress with equanimity. The most common approaches are familiar: eliminating the sources of stress and practicing techniques such as breathing exercises or meditation. Since these are not practical in a classroom, let’s look at an
READ MORE >>> →A common myth is that using imposed punishments as discipline is necessary to change young people’s behavior. In reality, disciplining by imposing a punishment comes out of the adult’s desire to control. When the desire is to raise responsible citizens, teaching and guidance prevail. Despite succeeding in stopping irresponsible behavior in some cases, imposed punishments are ineffective with far too many young people as a disciplinary method. Imposed punishments also fail to help children make lasting changes in their behavior. The problems with using imposed punishments as discipline are that they: Are temporary Are adult-dependent rather than self-dependent Are inconsistently applied Are based on avoidance Lose their effectiveness over time Do nothing to help a young person learn to modify
READ MORE >>> →“Counterwill” is the name for the natural human resistance to being controlled, and this includes discipline in the form of punishment being imposing by someone else. Although adults experience this phenomenon, we seem to be surprised when we encounter it in young people. Counterwill is the most misunderstood and misinterpreted dynamic in parent-child and teacher-student relationships. This instinctive resistance can take many forms—refusal to do what is asked, resistance when told, disobedience or defiance, and lack of motivation. Counterwill can manifest itself in procrastination or in doing the opposite of what is expected. It can be expressed as passivity, negativity, or argumentativeness and is such a universal phenomenon at certain stages of development that it has given rise to the term
READ MORE >>> →Whereas good relationships are important to girls, success is more important to boys. Hopefully, society is well past the “politically correct” theory (an oxymoron in a democratic society) that the ONLY difference between a male and a female is in socialization—that aside from reproductive organs, there is no difference between the sexes neurologically, psychologically, emotionally or how they should be disciplined. A boy measures everything he does or says by a single yardstick: “Does this make me look weak?” If it does, he isn’t going to do it. That’s part of the reason that videogames have such a powerful hold on boys. The action is constant; boys can calibrate just how hard the challenges will be; and when they lose,
READ MORE >>> →Even though you may be following the principles in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, you may find yourself in a situation where another adult who interacts with your child prefers to use coercive methods of discipline, such as punishments, rewards, and lecturing. These well-meaning adults may even try to convince you that what you’re doing is incorrect—that children need strict discipline or that rewards are the only way to get youngsters to do anything. If you ever find yourself in such a situation, let the other adult know that you are NOT against punishments or all rewards. But you are against stress, IMPOSED punishments, and rewarding young people for what they should be doing. Explain to them that
READ MORE >>> →Fostering responsibility and instilling a sense of discipline in children should start at a very young age. For example, a young child sits in the highchair having milk. When finished, the infant throws the bottle away. The youngster hears the “thump” sound and likes it. When the mother picks up the bottle, the infant is getting a message that, to a certain extent, the mother can be controlled. The mother decides that she is not going to let her child behave this way. The mother does not discipline by threatening or punishing; she simply makes sure her hand is ready when the baby finishes the milk. She then removes the bottle and cleans his face while talking to him. The
READ MORE >>> →People of all ages want security; they want to know where they stand. A prime reason that young people “test” adults is that young people want to know their limits. With this in mind and with the belief that it is only fair to tell people the consequence resulting from an inappropriate behavior, many parents (and schools) inform young people ahead of time of the consequences for specific actions. In other words, children know how they will be disciplined prior to misbehaving. A typical school example is the consequence for coming to a class late. It’s common to hear teens say that nothing happens until the third tardy; therefore, as their thinking goes, it is okay to come to class
READ MORE >>> →So many parents and teachers believe that it is necessary to give young people a reward for doing the right thing that it is a challenging endeavor to stop the practice. But rewards don’t promote responsibility, which is why they need to stop. A parent asked how to wean her child off the rewards system. Here is what she wrote: How do I wean my five-year-old son from expecting rewards? He’ll make his bed, straighten all his shoes, and hang up his clothes, all without being asked, and then he comes running up to me with a smiling face and says, “NOW can I have something?” Oh, boy! Have I turned his taking responsibility into a reward? Do I then
READ MORE >>> →There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student, who already had much training and learning from other teachers, looked eager and ready to learn. He said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.” The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?” The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: What if a child chooses something as a consequence, that is in his/her own mind, nothing more than a way of getting out of trouble? Although Dr. Marshall’s book has validated my beliefs on how to treat children, I do feel that in this one regard a self-imposed consequence could simply be a way out for a person in the wrong. As well, if a child violates another person’s right, it seems fair that the person whose rights have been violated would have a say in whether they think the self-imposed consequence is a fair one. Could you please advise me if my thinking about is correct or not. RESPONSE: Dr. Marshall’s approach to discipline is certainly not meant
READ MORE >>> →Positive sibling relationships can be a source of strength for life, whereas unresolved early conflicts can create wounds that never quite heal. Parents need not intervene in every quarrel. However, parents should obviously intervene whenever an argument turns violent or threatens to do so. For example, when an older child is hitting his baby sister, the parent intervenes immediately and makes it clear that hurting others is not acceptable. The same is true for verbal abuse between siblings that leaves one or both angry or with negative feelings about the other. Establish guidelines, such as treating the word “hate” as a forbidden one and not allowing “shut up” between siblings. A “no hitting, no hurting” expectation can be established so
READ MORE >>> →Being positive with oneself and others, being aware that we always have a choice in our responses, and using reflection to actuate behavioral change is, for most of us, a paradigm shift in learning. Implementing these three noncoercive practices promotes responsibility, increases our effectiveness, improves our relationships, and reduces stress. In a way it is, as Stephen Covey says, like being fitted for and wearing new glasses. It takes a little learning and getting used to, but the brain adapts by making new neural connections. The more we practice, the stronger the reinforcement, the more glial cells our brain manufactures, and the easier and more creative we are in the use of the principles. So as not to fall back
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