The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. No style is good or bad, right or wrong. Neither is one style better or worse than another; they are just different. Jung articulated a theory of personality behavior styles that he believed are genetically determined. Styles can be discerned by watching young children and examining how they process experiences. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing. In Parenting Without Stress, we use the four style descriptions of Thinker, Feeler, Doer, and Relater. To better understand this concept, visualize a directional scale with a thinker in the north, a feeler in the south, a doer
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At a very young age, children in Finland are brought up to be responsible. This is in contrast to parenting and schooling toward obedience. In addition, trust is a fundamental characteristic of Finnish society. For example, in one of the high schools I visited, the student lounge had “pin-up” pictures, reminiscent of the 1950s, prominently displayed on the walls. The pictures were not pornographic, but they could be considered somewhat erotic to boys. When asked by my wife, the girls said that the pictures did not bother them. Nevertheless, the principal was informed about the pictures. The principal’s response was, “I will talk to them. I am sure that they will make a responsible decision.” Notice the implicit characteristics of
READ MORE >>> →This is the first in a series of articles about learning in FINLAND, which is based upon my visiting a number of Finnish schools in October 2012. According to numerous studies, Finland is one of the best educational performing countries in the world. However, aside from international tests, Finland has no standardized testing of its own. They do not believe that achievement gains improve the lives of children. So how do they score so high—especially considering that students start school at a later age (seven), take fewer classes, have a three-month summer break, spend less time in school per day, have barely any homework, and are rarely tested? The following are a few key elements about the educational approach in Finland.
READ MORE >>> →Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept. So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what the
READ MORE >>> →Just as no one can place knowledge or wisdom into the head of another, no one can make another person responsible. Although responsibility can be delegated, it does not become effective until taken. A much-overlooked opportunity is for young people to help parents. In former generations, the parents were the center of the household and children were expected to assist in the running of that household. Very often in today’s family, the emphasis is on giving to children, rather than on the children doing the giving. An effective way for parents to gain respect and assistance is to refrain from doing some favors for their youngsters and let their youngsters perform services for them. A simple way to do this
READ MORE >>> →The term “Behaviorism” usually refers to approaches of Pavlov (classical conditioning of stimulus/response) and Skinner (behavior modification by reinforcing behavior AFTER an act occurs). Although behavior modification is popular in schools, the practice is counterproductive for promoting responsibility. The reason is that responsibility requires initiative that emanates from within a person, rather than from some external stimulus. The essence of behavior modification is to reward desired behavior and ignore undesired behavior. The fact that inappropriate behavior is ignored sends the message that nothing is wrong with inappropriate behavior, and so there is no incentive to stop doing it. Therefore, a major problem with the approach is that when undesired behavior is not addressed, such behavior becomes “reinforced.” All behavior modification
READ MORE >>> →One of the most successful approaches to solving disputes comes from the Native American aphorism: “Before we can truly understand another person, we must walk a mile in that person’s moccasins.” Before we can walk in another person’s moccasins, we must first take off our own. This means to perceive as with the other person’s eyes, ears, mind, and spirit. One of the deepest desires of humans is to be understood. But how do you do it? The talking stick is one approach. One reason for its success is that it uses something tangible. The “stick” can be a spoon, a stuffed animal, or any object that serves as something that can be held and passed from one person to
READ MORE >>> →To improve memory, I use a simple acronym, “SAVER.” The “S” refers to seeing the image in the mind’s eye. “A” refers to associating the image to some action. “V” refers to being vivid. The more colorful and clearly defined the image, the easier recall will be. “E” refers to exaggerate. The more extraordinary the better! “R” refers to reviewing the image periodically. Reviewing assists long-term retention. Visualization should be encouraged regularly. It is a simple technique to improve performance in reading comprehension, vocabulary development, and other areas. Most important, because imaging increases comprehension and recall—two of the most tested skills in schooling—it gives students considerable confidence and faith in themselves. Take every opportunity to simplify the written word so that
READ MORE >>> →Reflection fosters growth and responsibility. Therefore, ask evaluative questions—those that lead to reflection. Here is a series of four such questions that lead to a change in behavior: “What do you want?” “Is what you are choosing to do helping you get what you want?” “If what you are choosing to do is not getting what you want, then what is your plan?” “What are your procedures to implement your plan—specifically, what will you do?” “What else?” What question should you seldom if ever ask? Any question that starts with “why,” as in “Why did you hit your brother?” or “What did you lie about your homework being done?” “Why” questions allow the person to give an excuse, be a
READ MORE >>> →Memorization experts suggest that the more outlandish the picture, the easier it is for the brain to picture and remember. The process becomes even more engaging if the students themselves create their own images. Conjuring up vivid images (right brain) while reading a book (left brain) encourages hemispheric integration and leads to improved memory and more efficient learning. If you think of engaging both sides of the brain, no matter what you are teaching, the learner builds up more hooks and cues to ensure long-term memory. The brain can keep on making connections and, therefore, grow throughout life. Learning builds learning because, as we continue to learn, the neural networks of the brain augment, creating ever-abundant connections. We can even
READ MORE >>> →Positivity, choice, and reflection are to be fed. They reduce stress, increase parental effectiveness, and improve relationships. Why? Here’s a brief synopsis of each. Negative comments prompt negative feelings. Positive comments engender positive feelings and responsible behavior. Parents who are effective in influencing their children to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Positivity creates an atmosphere in which children feel valued, supported, respected, motivated, capable, and proud. Either consciously or nonconsciously, people are always choosing how to respond to any situation, stimulus, or impulse. Teaching young people about choice-response thinking—that they never need think of themselves as victims—is one of the most valuable thinking patterns we can give them. This type of thinking teaches the difference between optimistic
READ MORE >>> →The September 2012 Scientific American stated that most teachers would agree it is important for students to remember much of what they read. One of the most common sights on high school and college campuses is that of students poring over textbooks, yellow highlighter in hand, marking the pertinent passages. In the process, they often end up highlighting most of the page. Later in the semester, to prepare for their exams, students hit the textbooks again, rereading the yellow blocks of text. Yet, studies have shown that highlighting and rereading text is among the least effective ways for students to remember the content of what they have read. A far more effective technique is for students to quiz themselves. In one
READ MORE >>> →The third practice for parenting without stress and for raising responsible children is called Reflection. In order to understand the power and significance of reflection, you need a clear understanding of two basic facts of life: The first is that any control of another person is temporary. The second is that attempting to control another person is really an attempt to change that person. As long as we believe that we can change another person, there is a natural tendency for a parent to employ force or coercion, especially when the young person doesn’t do what we want. Just for a moment, think of one person with whom you have had a personal relationship—a child, spouse, significant other, parent, fellow
READ MORE >>> →The classic example of “conditioning” is that of the huge circus elephant tethered by its foot to a small stake in the ground. This strong elephant could surely pull the steak out of the ground—but does not. This happens because, as a baby, the elephant was chained to a huge stake. When the baby elephant tugged and tugged and could not get free, it eventually stopped trying. Now, the full-grown elephant with almost unlimited strength remembers the futility of his efforts and no longer tries to free itself. This example illustrates the position of “conditioned helplessness.” This same type of conditioning takes place in society today when young people are continually told that they are victims of circumstances. The message
READ MORE >>> →A significant difference between the optimist and the pessimist is related to the perception of choice. For example, a school math test is returned with a low score. One student concludes, “Well, I guess I’m not good in math,” while another student who receives the exact same score engages in different self-talk: “I guess I’ll have to study harder.” The difference? The first youngster senses a lack of control—that nothing can be done. “I just have no gift for math,” goes the self-talk. The second youngster believes that something can be done. The first child’s pessimistic self-talk is of resignation—primarily based upon the wrong assumption of a lack of choice and, therefore, a lack of control. The second child, a
READ MORE >>> →A teacher recently ordered the poster containing the Levels of Development. When she hung it in her classroom, the school principal asked her to take it down. Why? The poster contained the word bullying. I developed the hierarchy around of the thinking of Stephen Covey’s first habit of highly effective people: Be Proactive. The Levels of Development places “Anarchy” at the bottom level of unacceptable behavior. In a classroom this would be exemplified by such behaviors as leaving materials around, pushing others, throwing paper airplanes, and other unacceptable and unsafe behaviors. The next level up the ladder refers to “Bullying” and bothering others. Examples are making fun of others, not being kind, and other activities where a child bosses someone
READ MORE >>> →Offering children choices promotes the most important skill for success in life: the skill of making responsible decisions. Responsible behavior is directly related to the number of responsible choices a person makes. Positive discipline approaches—of which offering choices ranks high on the list—motivate children to want to act responsibly because it feels good and because children realize it is in their best interests to do so. In contrast, if we deprive people of choices, we deprive them of positive motivation. By giving children opportunities to make decisions starting early in life, we prepare them for greater success as adults living in the 21st century. In the 19th and 20th centuries, manufacturing led and fed the economy. There were few originators;
READ MORE >>> →Cognitive dissonance is a distressing mental state in which people find themselves doing things that don’t fit with what they know, or they have opinions that conflict with other opinions they hold. Wikipedia explains it this way: “The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance by altering existing cognitions, adding new ones to create a consistent belief system, or alternatively by reducing the importance of any one of the dissonant elements.” The concept of cognitive dissonance is best illustrated by Aesop’s fable about the fox and the grapes. The fox tried in vain to reach a cluster of grapes that were dangling from a vine above his head. Although the fox leaped high
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