WithoutStress.com

STRESS MANAGEMENT for Living, Teaching, & Parenting

Discipline

A Simple Way to Curb Discipline Problems

On February 4, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

People of all ages want security; they want to know where they stand. A prime reason that young people “test” adults is that young people want to know their limits. With this in mind and with the belief that it is only fair to tell people the consequence resulting from an inappropriate behavior, many parents (and schools) inform young people ahead of time of the consequences for specific actions. In other words, children know how they will be disciplined prior to misbehaving.

A typical school example is the consequence for coming to a class late. It’s common to hear teens say that nothing happens until the third tardy; therefore, as their thinking goes, it is okay to come to class … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Learning How to Promote Responsibility

On January 31, 2013 / Discipline, Learning, Responsibility

There is a story about an old and wise martial arts master who invited his new student to share tea and conversation to begin the teacher-student relationship. The student, who already had much training and learning from other teachers, looked eager and ready to learn. He said, “Teach me, master, how to be a great fighter.”

The wise master reached over with the teapot and began to pour the tea. He continued to pour even after the cup filled to the top. Tea began pouring down the sides. The student panicked, “It is already full. Why are you still pouring?”

The master responded, “So too, is your mind. It is filled with previous knowledge and experiences. You must empty your … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Simple Techniques for Dealing with Sibling Squabbles

On January 30, 2013 / Discipline, Parenting

Positive sibling relationships can be a source of strength for life, whereas unresolved early conflicts can create wounds that never quite heal. Parents need not intervene in every quarrel. However, parents should obviously intervene whenever an argument turns violent or threatens to do so.

For example, when an older child is hitting his baby sister, the parent intervenes immediately and makes it clear that hurting others is not acceptable. The same is true for verbal abuse between siblings that leaves one or both angry or with negative feelings about the other. Establish guidelines, such as treating the word “hate” as a forbidden one and not allowing “shut up” between siblings. A “no hitting, no hurting” expectation can be established so … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Reflective Questions Lead to Self-Discipline

On January 25, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept.

So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Discipline and Anger

On January 17, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

You can utilize three approaches to discipline yourself to handle anger. They are: (1) You can let the emotion express itself (and thereby become a victim of it); (2) You can inhibit it (and live with the stress); or (3) You can control it by redirecting your attention.

The most successful approach is the third alternative. Redirecting your thinking controls any emotion because emotion always follows cognition. Your self-talk or thinking—along with input from your senses (what you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch)—becomes your awareness. Therefore, redirecting your thoughts automatically controls your emotions because emotion follows your attention.

This is not new. My grandmother told my mother to clean the stove when she was angry. Of course, what … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Discipline Teaches Responsibility

On January 16, 2013 / Discipline, Responsibility

The ultimate goal of discipline is self-discipline—the kind of self-control that underlies voluntary compliance with expected standards. This is the discipline that is a mark of mature character and that a civilized society expects of its citizens.

Unfortunately, many adults rely on external methods to “control” children. These include rewards, punishments, lecturing, and telling. While teachers and parents who engage in these external methods of control may succeed in getting students and children to toe the line under their supervision, what happens when the adults is not around?

As one teacher who uses external controls said, “My students are very good for me, but they can be holy terrors when I’m not around.” Research points to the same conclusion: … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Nonverbal Communications with Young Children

On December 24, 2012 / Discipline, Parenting

When children are too young to understand concepts such as internal motivation, appropriate behavior can still be taught without using rewards or coercion. For example, when a child does something that is not appropriate, lightly touch the child’s wrist and shake your head no. Persevere. You may have to do this a number of times before understanding sets in.

For example, when Dad is carrying little Tyler in the supermarket, Tyler starts to kick Dad in the stomach, laughing with each kick. Dad immediately puts Tyler down, steps back, and rubs his tummy where it hurts, and continues walking.

Another young child, Jenny, stalls and pokes around before getting into the car when the mother is in a hurry. … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Use Positivity in Negative Situations

On December 21, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Positivity involves more than just having a positive outlook; it is also about remaining positive in negative situations. Here is an example:

A mother considered herself a positive person because she was naturally upbeat and smiled a lot, but she hadn’t realized that she was only positive and upbeat when things were going well.

She started thinking about her three-year-old son and realized that she often was negative with him when she was feeling stressed. She made a conscious decision to work on her positivity to see if being positive in negative circumstances would be more effective than nagging and getting stern.

One day, just as they were about to leave the house, she noticed that her little boy … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Consistency and Fairness

On December 10, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness

When we are consistent in imposing the same consequence on every student, are we being fair or unfair?

Although consistency is important, imposing the same consequence on all students is the least fair approach. When a consequence is imposed—be it called logical or natural—people are deprived of ownership in the decision. And ownership is a requirement for responsibility.

A more effective and fairer approach is to elicit a consequence or a procedure that will help students redirect impulses so they become more responsible. This is easily accomplished by asking students if they would rather be treated as individuals or as a group. They will have a preference to be treated as individuals and have ownership in … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Problems with Imposed Punishments

On November 28, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

There have been many news stories lately about parents using shame and humiliation as discipline measures for their children. From forcing their child to stand on a busy street corner holding a sign that details their offenses to posting embarrassing photos and videos of the youth online, these parents believe this sort of public humiliation is a viable way to discipline children.

Humiliation and shame are never good ways to discipline. Not only do they negatively influence a child’s self-esteem, but they are also just new forms of imposed punishments. And as outlined in Parenting Without Stress and Discipline Without Stress, the effect of any imposed punishment is only temporary. Fear and force produce only short-run changes.

Once an … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

One Trick for Helping Children Develop Self-Discipline

On November 5, 2012 / Discipline, Parenting, Responsibility

Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept. So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Skinner and Behaviorism vs. Marshall

On November 1, 2012 / Discipline

The term “Behaviorism” usually refers to approaches of Pavlov (classical conditioning of stimulus/response) and Skinner (behavior modification by reinforcing behavior AFTER an act occurs).

Although behavior modification is popular in schools, the practice is counterproductive for promoting responsibility. The reason is that responsibility requires initiative that emanates from within a person, rather than from some external stimulus.

The essence of behavior modification is to reward desired behavior and ignore undesired behavior. The fact that inappropriate behavior is ignored sends the message that nothing is wrong with inappropriate behavior, and so there is no incentive to stop doing it. Therefore, a major problem with the approach is that when undesired behavior is not addressed, such behavior becomes “reinforced.”

All behavior … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Discipline and Conditioned Helplessness

On October 19, 2012 / Discipline

The classic example of “conditioning” is that of the huge circus elephant tethered by its foot to a small stake in the ground. This strong elephant could surely pull the steak out of the ground—but does not.

This happens because, as a baby, the elephant was chained to a huge stake. When the baby elephant tugged and tugged and could not get free, it eventually stopped trying. Now, the full-grown elephant with almost unlimited strength remembers the futility of his efforts and no longer tries to free itself. This example illustrates the position of “conditioned helplessness.”

This same type of conditioning takes place in society today when young people are continually told that they are victims of circumstances. The message … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Bullying and How Not to Stop It

On October 16, 2012 / Discipline, Learning

A teacher recently ordered the poster containing the Levels of Development. When she hung it in her classroom, the school principal asked her to take it down. Why? The poster contained the word bullying.

I developed the hierarchy around of the thinking of Stephen Covey’s first habit of highly effective people: Be Proactive.

The Levels of Development places “Anarchy” at the bottom level of unacceptable behavior. In a classroom this would be exemplified by such behaviors as leaving materials around, pushing others, throwing paper airplanes, and other unacceptable and unsafe behaviors.

The next level up the ladder refers to “Bullying” and bothering others. Examples are making fun of others, not being kind, and other activities where a child … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Discipline Without Stress in Iraq

On September 27, 2012 / Discipline, Learning

I received an interesting package from Iraq yesterday. In it was a book written in Arabic. The only words I could read on the cover were “Dr. Marvin Marshall.”

Hike Samuel Artin, a teacher in Baghdad, Iraq, has been using the Raise Responsibility System—part of the Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model—in his classes for a number of years. He asked my permission to publish my education book, Discipline Without Stress® Punishments or Rewards: How Teachers and Parents Promote Responsibility & Learning.

The book has been published by “Beit Al-Hikma,” a publishing house in Baghdad that was founded in the 16th century. And the book in the package was the final product.

Interestingly, Iraq is attempting to promote democracy, … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

To Eliminate Discipline Challenges, Teach Procedures

On September 24, 2012 / Discipline, Parenting

A major mistaken assumption many parents make is that a youngster knows how to do something without the parent’s first modeling, teaching, practicing, and sometimes reinforcing the activity or procedure. A simple example is requesting a youngster to put dirty dishes in the sink. Taking the time to teach the youngster a procedure for how to rinse the dishes and utensils and where to place them can prevent future frustrations.

Another common example is that children often need to take certain items to school each day. To help a child, the parent might typically say, “Remember to take your lunch,” or “Remember to take your key.” But rather than the parent’s having the responsibility of reminding the child, the family … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Education for Self-Control

On September 20, 2012 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

If young people are going to resist constant internal impulses, they need to be taught one vital skill: Self-regulation.

In Dunedin, New Zealand (a lovely city and their center of the Great Highland Bagpipes), every other year teachers and parents evaluate each child between the ages of three and eleven on levels of aggression, hyperactivity, lack of persistence, inattention, and impulsivity. These ratings, along with those from the children themselves, result in a self-control score for every child.

Here are some interesting conclusions from their long-term study:

At 32 years old, the boys and girls who had had lower scores were poorer, had worse health, and were more likely to have committed a crime than those exhibiting more self-control.
Poor

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Search By Blog Category