Discipline

My passion is to foster responsibility. In my seminars and in my books on  education and on parenting, I refer to victimhood thinking and how to teach young people to be VICTORS—rather than victims.

With this in mind, let me share an  e-mail I received from my sister-in-law, Bobbie Marshall:

"Let's see if I understand how America works lately.

'If a woman burns her thighs from the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant. If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company. If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain, you blam the school for poor sex education.… >>>

I have a few questions.
1.) The school I work in is very entrenched in the idea that discipline EQUALS punishment. The students buy into this idea in that they seem to depend on punitive reactions from their teachers and parents. Teaching students what you expect seems not enough. How does one help the child to move from being punishment-minded to being self-motivated?

2.) I have read several books that work with similar ideas to yours. "Without Boundaries" by Janet Wood, "The Continuum Concept" by Jean Liedloff, and materials on Taking Children Seriously (an educational/parenting/human relations theory). They make a great deal of sense to me, but I am at a loss as to how to implement this kind of teaching of right/wrong, appropriate/ inappropriate behavior to the youngest of … >>>

QUESTION:
I am writing to you because I had a problem with a parent today and I really need some advice.

One of my students behaves like a bully, hits his classmates and threatens to hit them outside the classroom. He pushes them or he sometimes makes them stumble. Today he used vulgarity.

I decided to send a note to his parents, and asked the student to write the following:

"Dear Mom and Dad,
Today I told a classmate to 'Kiss my ass.'"

He once told me that his mother never punished him or paid any attention to him.

When his mother read the note, she became outraged and decided to come and talk to me. She was quite rude and almost insulted me but I remained … >>>

Other Thoughts Relating to Discipline

The ultimate use of power should be to empower others.
That’s what our constitution is about.

What we accomplish by threats and coercion must be maintained by force.
What we accomplish by guiding and caring is self-propelling.

Real power consists in creating a situation where coercion need not be exercised.
—William Glasser, M.D.

In all my experiences, I have never seen lasting solutions to problems, lasting happiness and success, that came from the outside in.

—Stephen Covey, Ph.D.

QUESTION:

Can you give me an easy way to explain to someone the difference between punishment and discipline?

RESPONSE:

PUNISHMENT is what is done TO a person.

DISCIPLINE is what is done FOR and WITH a person.

———-

COMMENTS FROM OTHERS:

"Discipline is understood in a very limited way by most educators—How do we get these children to behave?—rather than How do we support the people in our charge as they learn to channel and direct their positive energy in ways that accomplish their goals and those of their community?"
—Dr. Richard E. Clark, Chair Department of Educational Psychology, University of Southern California

"To many people, discipline means punishment. But, actually, to discipline means to teach. Rather than punishment, discipline should be a positive … >>>

Learning a procedure to respond appropriately to impulses is described on the link at http://marvinmarshall.com/impulsemanagement.html.

Level C for COOPERATION is in green, as is Level D. Although the goal for young  people is to strive for level D motivation, either of these two levels is acceptable.

Level C for CONFORMITY is in YELLOW to remind people to reflect—to be cautious (as in a yellow traffic signal)—before engaging in an activity suggested by a peer. This is especially the case when the suggestion will lead to inappropriate or irresponsible behavior.

Having a visible reminder, as the cards, assists young people to make responsible choices. The reverse of the cards has the visual for  an impulse control technique.… >>>

QUESTION:
Some of my youngsters and their parents were struggling with the word, "anarchy." Could I use a short phrase beginning with "absence of…." order? responsible behavior? Perhaps you could suggest a word/words that would fit and my young students could connect to anarchy until they develop a more clear understanding of its definition.

RESPONSE:
Many share some reluctance to using terms like "anarchy" and "democracy" to describe the levels to young children.

At first, I shared that reluctance.

These terms seem so advanced, especially for youngsters in kindergarten and preschool. But the only reason they seem advanced is because we ourselves were so much older when we first came across these words.

It may be helpful to remember that … >>>

“If every teacher, at the beginning of the school year, would share this book with students for just 10 minutes a day, by October teaching and learning problems would be reduced to a minuscule portion of the day.”

Linda McKay, Director, CHARACTERplus
Cooperating School Districts, St. Louis, MO

A descriptive table of contents, three selected sections, and additional items of interest are posted at the site indicated at the “book” link above.

QUESTION:

I am a kindergarten teacher who highly recommends your book whenever the subject of discipline arises. Today I told one of my students who hit another child, “I want you to stay in our classroom, but if you act on Level B again, you are telling me that you want to keep on making your own rules for the class. We can’t accept that, so you may stay in the classroom only if your behavior is at Level C or D.”

When he began to harass another child, I made it a point to remain matter-of-fact, and said to him, “You have again decided to make your own rules for the class, so you have chosen to spend time … >>>

QUESTION:

The school I work in is very entrenched in the idea that discipline equals  punishment.

The students buy into this idea in that they seem to depend on punitive reactions from their teachers/parents. How does one help the child to move from being punishment-minded to being self-motivated?

RESPONSE:

Punishment—which is very often confused with discipline—operates on the theory that young people must be hurt to learn, that they must be harmed to instruct.

Can you recall the last time you felt bad and did something good? People do not think positively with negative feelings.

Punishments kill the very thing we are attempting to do—change behavior into something that is positive and socially appropriate.

If your school believes that YOUNG people ARE NOT YET ADULTS, then their use … >>>

QUESTIONS:

Here are a few situations most likely to occur in the classroom. They are all social situations. How do you respond using the Raise Responsibility  System?

1. A student tells the teacher another student pulled her hair and won’t stop. She asked the person to stop and she won’t.

2. A boy hits a girl. When asked about the situation the boy says, “She hit me first.” (Usually it’s a tap on the shoulder interpreted as a “hit”)

3. A students says another student keeps calling her names likes “crybaby”.

RESPONSE:

The foundation of the Raise Responsibility System is teaching the Levels of Development—which does a number of things, but perhaps the most significant is that … >>>

I had the pleasure of presenting to teachers of a religious school at the denomination's campgrounds.

Between my Sunday evening keynote and my Monday afternoon seminar to the teachers, I invested some time in self-reflection.

Self-reflection focuses on looking inward—controlling passions, redirecting impulses, restraining oneself from temptation, monitoring one’s ego, assessing the balance between the amount of time devoted to entertainment and time devoted to learning, and other such things that will enable the individual to develop good character traits and become a good, contributing member of society.

Many of the early Americans—George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, and of course Benjamin Franklin, to name but few—focused on what they could and would do to become better people.

Striving to improve oneself … >>>