Effectiveness

Mindsets Influence Discipline

On February 3, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Your mindset drives your behavior and how you react to others. The same is true for children. As the adult, you can assist young people by the pictures you help create for them.

Here’s how mindsets specifically relate to discipline and behavior. If you view irresponsible behavior to be deliberatively disruptive, then you’ll likely employ coercive discipline approaches, such as imposed punishments, rewards, or telling/lecturing. As a result, chances are that you’ll experience poor relationships with the children you’re interacting with and lots of stress.

In contrast, if you perceive that the behavior is the youngster’s best attempt to solve a frustration or problem, then you’ll naturally view the situation as an opportunity to help and use noncoercive discipline approaches, … >>>

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The Benefit of Being Effective

On January 31, 2014 / Effectiveness

Being an effective parent and person in general is all about having the discipline to make good choices. We all have the freedom to choose how we act, what we say, how we respond to situations and challenges, how we treat other people, and how we deal with an impulse. Each choice, no matter how small, is always accompanied by a cost, a consequence, or a result. If, for example, you watch a television program, it was at the “cost” of not doing something else. If you get angry and kick the machine you are working on, the cost or consequence can be a broken toe. If you create a relationship with a server at a restaurant by asking the … >>>

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12 Reasons Why Imposed Punishments are Poor Discipline

On January 24, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

In the classroom, punishment as discipline is too often used for those who don’t need it. These students will respond without punitive action.
Imposing punishment moves ownership from the student to the teacher.
Imposing punishment is teacher-dependent. The threat of punishment may coerce a student to act appropriately in one class but have no effect on the way the student interacts with others outside of that class.
By the time students have reached the secondary level, some have been lectured to, yelled at, sent out of the classroom, kept after school, referred to the office, suspended in school, suspended from school, and referred to Saturday school so often that these students simply no longer care.
Behavior may temporarily change at

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Discipline and Change

On January 20, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Although you can control another person through outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards, you cannot change what a person thinks. People think and change themselves.

Ben Franklin said, “You cannot coerce people into changing their minds.” Once you learn this simple fact of life, the next question is, “How can I best influence the person to change?” The answer will always be through a noncoercive approach. Using positivity, choice, and reflection (all of which are discussed in detail on this site and in my books Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress) will increase your effectiveness in influencing others and will also result in improved relationships and fewer discipline challenges.

Remember, a change in behavior … >>>

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A New Approach to Discipline

On January 1, 2014 / Discipline, Effectiveness

With the New Year upon us, many people are making resolutions to improve their relationships this year. Why not extend that to include improving relationships with youth? Whether you’re a parent or a teacher, you can take steps to make parenting a joy and teaching less stressful.

The usual approach to discipline is to teach toward obedience using rewarding, telling, and punishing. These are all various forms of manipulation, pressure, or coercion—and often induce stress and resistance. By contrast, if a discipline approach is used where students are motivated to be responsible, then obedience becomes a natural by-product.

Young people—pre-school through 12th grade—want to be responsible, but we are using ineffective approaches to help them. If you’re yearning … >>>

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Relationships Reduce Discipline Problems

On December 16, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

A personal connection is the best gift that a teacher can give to students, especially troubled or challenging ones. In fact, strong teacher/student relationships can curb discipline problems.

We know that the brain is a seeker of connections. When new information is given to students, nothing in the brain may take place until a connection or hook is made. For some students, cognitive connections are not made easily. The human connection can serve as the part of what provides a hook for persistence that is so necessary for success with these students.

A teacher is an encourager. In his article “Teaching for Intelligence: In Search of Best Practices,” Jim Bellanca stated it succinctly: “Teaching is a strategic act of encouragement.” … >>>

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Asking is Better than Telling

On December 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Answering a question with a question is one of the most effective approaches a parent (or anyone) can use. Whether in everyday, casual conversation or in a discipline situation, questions are much more effective than telling.

For example, if the young person asks you a question of which you are not sure how to respond (or if you want the young person to give more thought to the subject), put the conversational ball back by asking a question in a non-confrontational way. Some questions to consider are:

“What do you mean?”
“What makes you ask that?”
“What do you think … (the reason is … we should do next … the best option is … etc.)?”

The beauty of this … >>>

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Choose Your Reactions

On December 11, 2013 / Effectiveness

We’ve all been in situations that can put us in a bad mood: traffic jams, dealing with unruly children, interacting with rude co-workers … the list goes on. But have you developed the self-discipline to choose your reaction to the situation?

I admit that while in the midst of a stressful situation, it’s hard to consciously choose to stay positive or to not let something upset you. In that moment, negativity may surround you, and negativity is very contagious. That’s why I recommend everyone develop a procedure for dealing with stressful situations. My favorite is the Stop, Think, and Go procedure, which I explain here.

Whatever procedure you opt to use for yourself and to teach your children, the … >>>

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What Teachers Really Do

On December 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, teachers are not just in the teaching profession; they are also in the relationship, marketing, and motivation professions. How can I assert that? Consider these points:

Relationships are key: Students will not learn from (or take discipline from) someone they do not like. For many people, including youth, relationships are their most prized possession. The aphorism is true: People don’t care how much you know until they know that you care.

Marketing matters: Today’s students have so many diversions that they do not come to school, sit at the teacher’s feet, and say, “Teach me.” Successful teachers create curiosity. They make learning meaningful, enjoyable, and challenging. But most of all, they motivate students to learn. In

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Influence and Discipline

On December 2, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Here are four common ways to influence people (and the four most common approaches to discipline):

Coercion or force: Discipline by threat or punishment is the approach here. This works as long as the threat is more powerful than the desire to resist it.
Offering an incentive or reward: With young people, the incentives are generally those that appeal for immediate satisfaction, rather than to those that build responsible character development and mature values. This discipline approach is commonly used in homes and schools to get the young to do what the adult wants. It promotes a mindset of, “What will I get for doing it?” and leads to long-term selfishness, as many studies have demonstrated.
Cooperation: This is how

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Responsibility and Choice

On November 27, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Social scientists have determined that we accept inner responsibility for a behavior when we think we have chosen to perform it in the absence of outside pressure, such as a large reward.

The incentive or reward may get us to perform a certain action, but it won’t get us to accept inner responsibility for the act. Consequently, we won’t feel committed to it. The same is true of a strong threat; it may motivate immediate compliance, but it is unlikely to produce long-term commitment.

These conclusions have important implications for parents and teachers. It suggests that we should not use bribes (rewards) or threats (punishment) to discipline children or coerce them to do the things we want them to do. … >>>

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Self-Esteem and Discipline

On November 25, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

My concern with the current self-esteem movement we see in all facets of life is that it encourages approaches that address the person, rather than the action. For example, rather than saying, “I’m proud of you for getting such a good grade,” simply saying, “Well done!” is more meaningful and sends a more empowering message. Saying, “I see you made your bed” fosters feelings of self-competence. In contrast, saying, “I’m so proud of you for making your bed,” encourages making decisions to please the parent.

Acknowledgment accomplishes the intent of praise but without the disadvantages. It fosters feelings of being worthwhile, without relying on the approval of others. The long-range effect is to engender self-confidence, self-reliance, and self-discipline, … >>>

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Reduce the Need for Discipline

On November 22, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

When dealing with a disruptive child or student, many parents and teachers use rewards or punishments as a way to discipline the youngster. While this approach might give some short term results, it doesn’t help the child develop long-term self-discipline skills.

Rather than use rewards or punishments, try one of these three strategies to redirect youth. They are more effective discipline techniques and encourage responsibility.

Acknowledge On-Task Behavior: Acknowledge in private when the student is on task. Do not be concerned about interrupting the student at work; the student will let you know if it is bothersome.

Encourage: Encourage students. It raises their aspirations. Robert Danzig rose from office boy to president of his company because Margaret Mahoney, his office

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Ineffective Discipline

On November 15, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many teachers and parents reward young people for appropriate behavior. They believe this discipline approach is more effective and positive than using punishments.

In reality, using rewards as a discipline strategy is nothing more than a behavior modification approach to mold desirable behavior directly—without rooting it in ethical behavior (right or wrong, good or bad, just or unjust, moral or immoral). Using rewards operates at the lowest level of moral judgment, which is that behavior is good because it is rewarded.

Whenever I speak to parents or teachers who have used this manipulative approach, they reveal that while they thought using rewards was working when the children were young, now that the children are older they see the difficulties the … >>>

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Develop the Discipline to NOT Help

On November 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

We all want to help others in need, especially when the person in need is a child. But sometimes, the best way to help people is to stop helping them.

Of course, not helping someone is difficult. Teachers and parents, by nature, are helpers. They don’t want to see children struggle. However, rather than do the task for the other person, have the discipline to back off. A simple question like, “Well, what do you think about that?” or “What do you think we should do?” or “What would you like to see happen?” prompts the person to reflect, entices a solution to a challenge, and even encourages self-discipline.

If you think about it, this approach makes sense. It’s something … >>>

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Seek Out the Positive

On November 11, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

An old saying tells us: “If you can’t say anything nice about a person, then don’t say anything at all.”

That’s great advice, not only for your communications with others, but also with yourself. In other words, if you can’t say (or think) something nice about yourself, then don’t say (or think) anything at all … unless you can exert the discipline to turn it around to positive self-talk.

The practice of positivity—with others and yourself—is so important that it’s the first practice of the Discipline Without Stress model. The opposite, of course, is negativity. In building relationships with children and adults, negativity is the biggest enemy.

Don’t allow negative ideas that pop into your mind to direct your thoughts. … >>>

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Nurture Responsible Behavior

On November 8, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

We’ve all heard the old saying that “the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.” But that’s not true. The grass is not always greener on the other side of the fence. Fences have nothing to do with it.

The fact is that the grass is greenest where you water it. So if you want responsible behavior, you can’t just expect it to just happen. You must tend to it. Are you watering the seeds of responsibility in your own children and students?

You nurture responsible behavior by having high expectations, promoting decision-making at early ages, not accepting victimhood thinking, and not doing things for young people that they can do for themselves.

Remember, people grow … >>>

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