Effectiveness

Reflective Questions worth Memorizing

On November 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting

Throughout this blog you’ll find many discussions about the power and importance of using reflective questions with children. Of course, knowing why something is vital is much different than knowing how to implement it. Therefore, below is a list of some reflective questions worth memorizing. To make it easier, I’ve categorized the questions so you can see which situations they work best in. I suggest everyone memorize these questions. As you practice using reflective questions and try out new ones on your children or students, add them to your own list.

For Getting On Task

Does what you are doing help you get your work done?
If you would like to get your work done, what would be your first

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Laser Learning

On November 4, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning

Laser learning refers to thinking and talking in short segments to increase retention.

Since the brain recalls in images and experiences, the learner first transforms key points into a few words to form a mental image. This is laser thinking. In order to get information to stick, the learner then “laser” talks by relating his image to another student—in no more than thirty or forty-five seconds. The short thinking and talking times generate just the right amount of stress to make learning most effective. This is a brain-chemical experience, not a social one.

The process has nothing to do with the other person’s listening or giving the learner feedback. It has to do with forcing the learner to … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Listen and Learn

On November 1, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning

Active listening is a term with which most are familiar. It means constructively engaging in the act of interpretation while capturing the information being presented. In his classic book, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen R. Covey points out that most often we do not listen with the intention of understanding; instead we listen with a focus on replying.

Dr. Covey says that when another person speaks, we’re usually “listening” at one of four levels.

1) We may be ignoring another person, not really listening at all.

2) We may practice pretending. “Yeah. Uh-huh. Right.”

3) We may be practicing selective listening, hearing only certain parts of the conversation. We often do this when we’re listening to … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Collaboration Eases Discipline

On October 30, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

One of the best ways to make parenting (and discipline in general) easier and less stressful is to view yourself as being in collaboration with your children rather than being a rule enforcer. No matter how challenging your children may be today, they really do want to grow up and be responsible adults, and you certainly want that for them as well. So in a sense, you are both working toward the same goal. Why not work together? Collaboration among individuals is always more effective for improved efficiency and relationships.

Here’s a story that shows how collaboration makes any task easier.

During a hike in the woods, a group of Boy Scouts came across an abandoned section of a railroad … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Instill Responsibility

On October 28, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

I was recently talking to a mother of a five-year-old boy about rules versus responsibilities. I’ve often said that rules are meant to control, while responsibilities empower. This mother was a great example of how this mindset plays out in the home.

She explained that in their home, everyone (mom, dad, and all the children) all have the same responsibility: “to help the family unit run smoothly.” How each person acts out that responsibility is up to them. She explained that even her five-year-old son had this responsibility instilled in him. In fact, it’s common for him to do the laundry (correctly), clean up the dinner plates (without being asked), and tidy up the living room each morning before leaving … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Choices and Stress

On October 23, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Offering choices significantly reduces stress and is remarkably more effective than attempting to force change. If a parent coerces or forces a decision upon a child that the youngster does not like—and if the child does not respond as the parent desires—the youngster is making a choice. Call it defiance, but nevertheless a choice has been made. Conversely, if the youngster does comply, a choice also has been made. So, since the child has choices anyway, providing options diminishes stress and is more effective than not offering them.

The most effective number of choices to offer is three. With some young people, offering just two choices seems limiting and restrictive. Giving three options eliminates all perceptions of coercion and encourages … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Change Your View of Discipline

On October 21, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

The traditional model for attempting to change people has been authoritarian and aligned with coercive techniques, such as threats of punishment or bribes of a reward. But in the last number of years, society’s model has been that nobody needs to be submissive to anyone else. Everyone has rights. Authority and expected submissiveness are out. Everyone is equal. Notice how often you are called by your surname preceded by a title. Not very! Using given names is much more equalizing.

The information revolution is a major reason why coercion is not effective today. Information has always been a prime source of power and control. Only those in positions of authority possessed it, and they used it to their … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

When Communicating, Check for Understanding

On October 18, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Checking for understanding is by far the most important thing you can do in listening. In fact, without this step you can never be sure that you and the other person actually communicated.

There is a story told about General Alexander Haig, the former commander-in-chief, United States European Command, who spent five years with the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). One time at an international party, an Englishman asked him, “General Haig, are you married?”

Haig said, “Yes, I am.”

The Englishman asked, “Do you have any children?”

He answered, “No, I don’t have any children. My wife can’t get pregnant.”

The Englishman said, “Oh I see … your wife is inconceivable.”

A German fellow said, “No, no. You don’t … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

The Discipline of Listening

On October 7, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Most parents don’t listen to their children. But listening to learn and valuing young people’s feelings and ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with and influence children.

What is “listening to learn”? When you listen to learn, it means you’re not inserting your opinion and not judging what the youngster says while the youngster is speaking. Often, parents have a natural tendency to approve or disapprove of young people’s statements. Parents’ first reaction is to evaluate from their own point of view and then approve or disapprove of what the youngster says. This is listening autobiographically. While the tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all conversations, it is much more intense when … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Teach Youth Time Management

On October 2, 2013 / Effectiveness

Knowing how to manage your time responsibly is important for everyone—young or old. Many parents and teachers complain that children are lacking even the basics of time management. Here’s a thought-provoking poem that can help children and adults realize the value of time and the need to manage it wisely.

To realize the value of one year:

Ask a student who has failed a final exam.

To realize the value of one month:

Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.

To realize the value of one week:

Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize the value of one hour:

Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.

To realize the value of one minute:

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Make Communicating with Your Children Easier

On September 30, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, no two children (or adults for that matter) are the same. Each individual, young or old, views the world differently, interacts with others in a distinctive way, and processes information uniquely.

Of course, differences are good. It would be boring if everyone acted, behaved, and thought the same way. But sometimes, interacting with people who are vastly different from you (as with many parent/child relationships) can be stressful.

Noticing behavioral styles among people is nothing new. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing. If you and your child operate from different … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Teacher Consistency and Discipline Problems

On September 27, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Consistency in approach is important for youth. One common complaint I hear from teachers who use the Discipline Without Stress system is that it can be tough for students to experience consistency when all the faculty and staff in the school aren’t on the same page in terms of handling discipline problems.

That’s why I offer an In-House Staff Development package for schools, which promotes responsible behavior and increases academic performance.

Schools who engage in the training benefit because it helps reduce office referrals and suspensions, diminish bullying, increase safety, and enhance academic performance.

Teachers benefit because it improves classroom management skills, empowers teachers to better handle classroom disruptions, and reduces stress.

Student benefit because they start to behave more … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

3 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Students

On September 18, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Many children would rather be bad than stupid. So one reason why they misbehave is they don’t want to be failures. The Raise Responsibility System is the foundation for handling irresponsible behavior. However, some students require special discipline attention in order to help them become more responsible. Here are three suggestions to try.

1. Coach

Think of young people as lacking skills, rather than as being noncompliant. Few students are maliciously non-compliant. We teach young people how to swing a baseball bat, how to play a musical instrument, and how to drive a car. We do not give up on them, nor do we resort to imposed punishment. We coach them.

2. Give Start Directions

Students with short attention spans … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

3 Keys for Stress-Free Discipline

On September 16, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

Practicing the principles of positivity, choice, and reflection reduces stress. These three principles also improve relationships, increase effectiveness in influencing others to change their behaviors, and make discipline easier. Here are some key points to remember:

Negative comments engender negative attitudes, while positive comments engender positive attitudes. People who are effective in influencing other to positive actions phrase their communications in positive terms. Rather than use consequences, which are usually perceived negatively and do not change the way a person wants to behave, they use contingencies, which promise with the positive and place the responsibility on the young person—where it belongs. If a consequence is necessary, a more effective approach is to elicit the consequence—which should be reasonable, respectable, and

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Change Yourself First

On September 13, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

If you’re having discipline challenges with a child or student, the natural tendency is to try to change the person’s behavior. That’s why coercive discipline techniques like using imposed punishments, rewards, and telling are so prevalent. But remember that no one changes another person; people change themselves.

To that end, if you want the people around you to change, the best place to start is with yourself. Change your own approach to handling the behavior. Change how YOU motivate the person to want to change.

To determine the best changes to make in yourself that will result in other person being motivated to change, ask yourself this important question:

“If I … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Procedures are Better than Rules

On September 11, 2013 / Effectiveness

Very often, what a teacher refers to as a rule is really a procedure. We need look no further than to one of the first rules primary students are given. They are taught the classroom rule of raising one’s hand to be recognized by the teacher before speaking out. The same rule is taught year after year. I have even seen this rule posted in eighth grade classrooms! Simply reminding students that this is a procedure, rather than a rule, places the teacher in the position of a coach and eliminates an enforcement mentality.

We too often assume that students know what we know and what we would like them to do. This assumption is faulty. Teach procedures—such as how … >>>

READ MORE >>> →

Choices Build Responsibility

On September 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Offering choices raises responsibility because it is related to the issue of control. A person who makes choices gains control, and having control is a requirement for taking responsibility. Choice, control, and responsibility are inseparable:

Make a choice, and control is enhanced.

Fail to choose, and control is diminished.

Deny responsibility, and control is given up.

Choose responsibility, and control increases.

Here is an example shared with me by a friend who understood the basic need of all humans—of any age—to feel some sense of control over their lives.

My elderly mother was recovering from a very difficult surgery. Because of her weakened condition, she had lost her ability to walk and there was doubt about whether she would be

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Positivity and Discipline

On September 4, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Positivity is like a magnet. People are drawn to the positive and repelled by the negative. This simple truth about human nature is so important that it forms the first part of the foundation for the Raise Responsibility System.

Positivity has power, especially when you’re attempting to discipline youth. Positivity is an attitude that, with practice, you can develop for yourself and with your children. When you do, you will be amazed at how your stress becomes significantly reduced, your effectiveness increased, and your relationships improved.

Here are 4 facts about positivity and the impact it has on discipline:

Negative comments provoke negative attitudes. Positive comments prompt positive attitudes. Keep discipline positive by always speaking in positive terms.
The pictures

… >>> READ MORE >>> →