Effectiveness

Telling and Lecturing are Ineffective Discipline Techniques

On March 18, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

Telling and lecturing as discipline are generally ineffective with young people who are trying to assert their independence. Besides, when young people become adolescents, they become “experts” in everything. Just try telling a teenager something and see how far you get. This phenomenon is captured in a quotation attributed to Mark Twain:

When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant that I could hardly stand to have him around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished how much he had learned in seven years.

You can visualize the scene. You are talking to your teenage son and attempting to inform him of the disadvantages of what he wants to do. You make your … >>>

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The Alexander Technique

On March 14, 2013   /   Effectiveness  

I had previously referred to the Alexander Technique, and have since been asked to explain more about it.

The Alexander Technique (named after its creator Frederick Matthias Alexander) is a psychophysical re-education of the body and the brain. What we think affects the body; similarly, the body affects the brain. Alexander taught that a person has to control thinking in order for the body to act at its optimum. In essence, the technique has to do with the development of conscious learning to affect the body.

Alexander started his movement because he felt that what he was doing with his body was incorrect. By studying his posture and movement before speaking, he discovered that his sense or feeling was … >>>

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Reasons to Rethink Your Discipline Approach

On March 13, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness  

There are many reasons for not imposing punishment as discipline to promote responsibility with young people. Among them are: (1) a young person is not an adult with just a younger body, (2) hurting a child in order to instruct or harming a young person in order to teach is contrary to all we know about the brain and learning, (3) an imposed punishment satisfies the punisher more than it changes the behavior of the person being punished, (4) an imposed punishment promotes adversarial relationships and resistance, and perhaps most important, (5) imposing a punishment is not nearly as effective as eliciting a consequence or a procedure to change behavior.

In almost all cases, rewards and punishments need to be … >>>

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Why Rewards Don’t Change Behavior

On March 4, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness  

Rewarding young people for expected standards of behavior is counterproductive for promoting responsibility. Yet so many parents and teachers use rewards. Let’s explore some of the reasons.

Rewards offer a seductively quick and easy way to create obedience. Asking a child to do something in order to gain a reward is an effective way to manipulate behavior in the short term. For example, promising, “If you sit here quietly for Mommy, in just a little while I’ll buy you some ice cream,” often produces the desired result. When the child suddenly chooses to behave, rewards can seem very effective. Candy, games, and movies can all be used to manipulate young people toward good behavior. But consider how long the effect … >>>

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Everything Has a Price

On February 28, 2013   /   Effectiveness  

Everything has a price. Are you willing to pay it?

At the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, one of the world’s great technology universities, new students are asked to choose two from the following: friends, grades, or sleep.

The point, of course, is that one cannot have all three.

The concept that “everything has a price” is similar to “opportunity costs” that economists refer to. For example, if you watch a television program, rather than read a book, you have lost the time that could have been devoted to reading. The opportunity cost was in losing reading time. That would have been the price you spent for watching television.

The principle is simple—yet it can be life-changing. Simply ask yourself, “What … >>>

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A Simple Way to Curb Discipline Problems

On February 4, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness  

People of all ages want security; they want to know where they stand. A prime reason that young people “test” adults is that young people want to know their limits. With this in mind and with the belief that it is only fair to tell people the consequence resulting from an inappropriate behavior, many parents (and schools) inform young people ahead of time of the consequences for specific actions. In other words, children know how they will be disciplined prior to misbehaving.

A typical school example is the consequence for coming to a class late. It’s common to hear teens say that nothing happens until the third tardy; therefore, as their thinking goes, it is okay to come to class … >>>

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Stephen Covey on Learning

On January 29, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Learning, Relationships  

Being positive with oneself and others, being aware that we always have a choice in our responses, and using reflection to actuate behavioral change is, for most of us, a paradigm shift in learning. Implementing these three noncoercive practices promotes responsibility, increases our effectiveness, improves our relationships, and reduces stress.

In a way it is, as Stephen Covey says, like being fitted for and wearing new glasses. It takes a little learning and getting used to, but the brain adapts by making new neural connections. The more we practice, the stronger the reinforcement, the more glial cells our brain manufactures, and the easier and more creative we are in the use of the principles.

So as not to … >>>

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Reflective Questions Lead to Self-Discipline

On January 25, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness  

Self-disciplined people make a point to think before they act or speak. They think about where each particular choice will lead—to something positive or negative. They think ahead to see if they are going to be satisfied with the consequence that a particular choice will bring. If they are satisfied, they go ahead in that direction. If not, they think again and choose to act or speak differently—in a way that will bring a consequence that they can more happily accept.

So, how do you help a child become more self-disciplined? The key is to hone the skill of asking reflective questions—questions that prompt the child to think. It’s not necessary for the youngster to tell the parent what … >>>

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Acknowledgments vs. Praise

On January 24, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting, Responsibility  

Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages of giving praise.

Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when a youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase that starts with “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT. By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction. 

Notice the difference in the following examples: 

  • “I am so pleased with the way you treated your brother,” versus “You treated your brother with real consideration.” 
  • “I like the way you are working,” versus “Your working shows good effort.” 
  • “I’m so proud of you for your grades,” versus “Your grades show you are
… >>> READ MORE >>> →
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Competition, Rewards, and Discipline

On January 23, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Human beings, especially of the male gender, are competitive. Competition is a natural part of our culture. Newspapers, magazines, and other media are full of information on business and sports, both based on competition and highlighting “winners” who receive rewards in some form.

No one can doubt the importance of rewards as motivators. However, as with anything in life, context is critical. Because competition and rewards spur performance, does that mean that competition is also best within a family? Is it wise for husbands and wives or siblings to compete? Or should they collaborate for the benefit of the family team?

The topic of reward comes up often in this blog. And as past posts explain, rewards can serve as … >>>

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Posture Training and Discipline

On January 22, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Learning  

Posture training, in which teachers are taught to correct their children’s manner of sitting, is considered a “traditional” approach to education.

A classic example of the importance of learning the self-discipline of posture training is described in a Master’s thesis by Ann Matthews, entitled Implications for Education in the Work of F. M. Alexander. (The “Alexander Technique” is a famous approach to good posture.) Matthews worked with teachers and students in a school in New York State. She wrote the following:

“A teacher calls her six- and seven-year-olds to gather around her on the floor and listen to a story. Most sit cross-legged with their spines collapsed into a curve and their heads pulled back onto their necks as they … >>>

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Discipline and Anger

On January 17, 2013   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

You can utilize three approaches to discipline yourself to handle anger. They are: (1) You can let the emotion express itself (and thereby become a victim of it); (2) You can inhibit it (and live with the stress); or (3) You can control it by redirecting your attention.

The most successful approach is the third alternative. Redirecting your thinking controls any emotion because emotion always follows cognition. Your self-talk or thinking—along with input from your senses (what you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch)—becomes your awareness. Therefore, redirecting your thoughts automatically controls your emotions because emotion follows your attention.

This is not new. My grandmother told my mother to clean the stove when she was angry. Of course, what … >>>

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Reducing Stress with Disagreeable People

On January 15, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Reducing stress with disagreeable people requires some education and self-discipline—as indicated in the following comment that was sent to me from a reader of my free monthly newsletter. The article referred to follows his comment.

“After reading, ‘To accept yourself fully is to recognize that not everyone you meet will like you and that you will never be perfect,’  I gave myself an assignment: Look forward to an encounter with that Disagreeable One in my day. Now I was ready with my changed attitude: I didn’t have to win that person over. I could shrug it off and not keep emotional baggage. It was liberating and allowed me to find other times for making a working job relationship. I discovered … >>>

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Mind Your Thoughts for Character Development

On January 10, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

MIND YOUR THOUGHTS FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Your thoughts turn into words.
Be careful of the words you use.

The words you use can prompt your actions.
Be careful of how you act.

Your actions can easily become your habits.
Be careful of your habits.

Your habits shape your values.
Be careful of your values.

Your values shape your character.

You are in large part the result of your
Thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and character.… >>>

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Limited versus Unlimited Choices

On January 9, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

Offering youngsters choices is a key part of Parenting Without Stress. The choices parents offer can be either “limited” or “unlimited.”

Limited choices allow the child to select from a restricted number of options offered by the parent, whereas in unlimited choices, the child is encouraged to come up with an option of his or her own. Generally, the younger the child, the more limited the choices. For example, “Do you want cereal or an egg for breakfast?” would be a limited choice, while “What do you want for breakfast?” would be unlimited and more appropriate as children mature. However, if the response to an unlimited question is not practical, the choices can again be limited.

In situations when … >>>

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Edgar A. Guest – It Couldn’t Be Done

On January 4, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Responsibility  

Teaching Edgar Guest’s poem will assist kids’ character development. 

It Couldn’t Be Done

Somebody said that it couldn’t be done,
     But he with a chuckle replied
That “maybe it couldn’t,” but he would be one
     Who wouldn’t say so till he tried.
So he buckled right in with the trace of a grin
     On his face. lf he worried he hid it.
He started to sing as he tackled the thing
     That couldn’t be done, and he did it.

Somebody scoffed: “Oh, you’ll never do that;
     At least no one ever has done it.”
But he took off his coat and he took off his hat,
     And the first thing we knew he’d begun it.
With a lift of his … >>>

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Stress and Learning Theory

On January 3, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting  

Stress may be silently sabotaging kids’ success in school. 

A little stress is good. It heightens alertness and improves performance. But as stress exceeds a certain level, distress emerges and has a negative effect on both learning and performance.

Here are a few examples of how stress can turn into distress according to learning theory:
1. Continually speaking to kids in negative terms
2. Relying on rules and imposing punishments, rather than teaching procedures
3. Continually promoting obedience, rather than promoting responsibility
4. Using coercion, rather than encouragement, empowerment, and inspiration

Reflecting on how your communications effects teaching and learning can help reduce distress.… >>>

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Use Positivity in Negative Situations

On December 21, 2012   /   Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting  

Positivity involves more than just having a positive outlook; it is also about remaining positive in negative situations. Here is an example:

A mother considered herself a positive person because she was naturally upbeat and smiled a lot, but she hadn’t realized that she was only positive and upbeat when things were going well.

She started thinking about her three-year-old son and realized that she often was negative with him when she was feeling stressed. She made a conscious decision to work on her positivity to see if being positive in negative circumstances would be more effective than nagging and getting stern.

One day, just as they were about to leave the house, she noticed that her little boy … >>>

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