Effectiveness

Benjamin Franklin understood that the art of persuasion was to induce the person to influence himself. He knew that persuading others to his point of view took patience and endurance, attributes of self-discipline. He assumed that people are often won over slowly, often indirectly. He believed that if you don’t win the bargain today, go after it again tomorrow—and the next day.

Here are some of Franklin’s strategies of persuasion and bargaining:

1. Be clear in your own mind about exactly what you are after.

2. Do your homework so that you are fully prepared to discuss every aspect and respond to every question and comment.

3. Be persistent. Don’t expect to “win” the first time. The first objective should … >>>

What do you do when you have a negative experience?

Imagine the brain as a large ship. If a leak occurs in the floating vessel, the vessel immediately compartmentalizes the area of the leak to prevent the leak from sinking the entire ship. This is necessary because it may take some time before the ship returns to port to repair the damages.

This concept of compartmentalization can help when we encounter a negative situation, stimulation, or urge. When we have a negative experience—be it with a significant other, a child, a parent, a member of the family, or a fellow worker—COMPARTMENTALIZE IT. Set it aside. Isolate it. Deal with it later when you are in port and in a better … >>>

We know that when stress overcomes us, choices seem limited—thereby decreasing effectiveness. Behavioral scientists have a name for this psychological reaction: learned helplessness.

This phenomenon has been studied in laboratory rodents whose nervous system bears striking similarities to that of humans. Here is how one experiment works. If you provide mice with an escape route, they typically learn very quickly how to avoid a mild electrical shock that occurs a few seconds after they hear a tone. But if the escape route is blocked whenever the tone is sounded, and new shocks occur, the mice will eventually stop trying to run away. Later, even after the escape route is cleared, the animals simply freeze at the sound of … >>>

You will notice that when you smile at someone, the "imitation response" that neuroscientists have discovered prompts a natural tendency for the other person to smile back. This phenomenon indicates that the face is an enormously rich source of information about emotion. In fact, our face is not just a signal of what is going on in our mind; in a certain sense, it IS what is going on in our mind.

The expression on our face is sufficient to create a marked change in the autonomic nervous system. You can prove this to yourself by thinking of a sad thought. With that thought still in your mind, look up at the ceiling and smile. Then try to keep that … >>>

In addition to asking reflective questions to improve one’s effectiveness, listening also helps.

Specifically, in order to understand the other person’s problem, you not only need to ask the right questions, you need to listen to the response.

Such was the case with a farmer and his horse, dog, and wagon full of grain traveling along the highway. They were struck head-on by a car. The incident caused the farmer severe injuries.

When the case came to court, the lawyer defending the man driving the car asked the farmer, “Isn’t it true that immediately after the accident a passer-by came over to you and asked how you felt?”

“Yes, I remember that,” replied the farmer.

“And didn’t … >>>

Happiness is the result of a myriad of little decisions made every day. To be happy in the New Year—and each and every day thereafter—REFLECT BEFORE you make those little decisions. Two questions to ask yourself are, “What’s my goal in doing this?” and “How will I feel if I achieve it?”

For example, if our daughter did something that was irresponsible, I could ask myself, “Is my goal to punish her?” “And, if I do, how will I feel?” (And how would she feel?)

Or, I could ask myself, “Is my goal is to help her make more responsible decisions?” “And if I achieve this goal, how will I feel?” (And how would she feel?)

It’s decisions like … >>>

In my October newsletter, I wrote, “Feeling is what you get for thinking the way you do.” Later that same month when I traveled to South Africa with a group of school administrators, I personally experienced the truth of this quotation.

I was chosen as one of two among 35 delegates to make a presentation. Due to various stories of lost and poor handling of luggage, the group was discouraged from checking in any suitcases. It was suggested to travel only with carry-on luggage. This meant that I could bring a minimum of handouts. The one I chose was my teaching model.

After my presentation, an administrator told me that it was unprofessional to attempt to sell … >>>

The truth assumption simply assumes that I am right and that the other person is wrong. This simple assumption causes endless grief.

This error in thinking, although perhaps natural, is profoundly counterproductive.

Moving from certainty to curiosity can resolve difficult situations. Instead of asking yourself, “How can the person think that?!” ask yourself, “I wonder what information they have that I don’t?” or “I wonder what prompts that thinking?”

Instead of asking, “How can they be so irrational?” ask, “How can I see the world so that their view makes sense?”

Certainty locks us out of the other person’s perception; curiosity lets us in.… >>>