Relationships

Positivity and Emotions

On January 8, 2015 / Effectiveness, Relationships

In the human body, the amygdala (Greek for almond) is composed of two almond-shaped emotional storage areas above the brain stem. It developed before the thinking part of the brain did and prompts immediate reaction—the so-called “fight or flight” syndrome.

As the amygdala does not differentiate between physical or psychological threat, so the mind often does not differentiate between fantasy and reality. You can tell yourself almost anything you want and you can believe it.

Consequently, what you think has an effect upon how you feel. Other people—even children—can sense your feelings and your mood. They can even sense your feelings over the phone.

Whether you have a negative or a positive feeling while you are talking, the other person … >>>

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Responsibility and Discipline

On January 6, 2015 / Relationships, Responsibility

At the heart of the concept of responsibility is the beautiful idea that it is about “response” (RESPONS-ability), which means that responsibility always has to do with relationships. In other words, responsibility is inherently mutual. You simply cannot use imposed discipline to make someone act responsibly.

So often we treat and confuse responsibility with obedience, as if responsibility can be imposed. Just as imposed discipline does not work, neither does imposed responsibility. There is a failure in the structure of imposition because it lacks mutuality. Although we think we give responsibility, responsibility must be TAKEN if it is to be implemented—hence its mutuality.

Responsibility has a counterpart: accountability. One reason that people resist imposed accountability is that the people at … >>>

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Positive Conversations

On December 9, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

During this holiday time of year, many of us visit with family and friends—some of whom we may not have seen in months.

As you converse with these people, here is a suggestion to keep in mind: When you deal with family, loved ones, close friends, and other valued people, don’t begin a new conversation with the baggage from the last one—or even think about it. If you do, one incident or perceived slight can adversely influence that conversation, along with days or weeks of future communications.

Goodman Ace, the legendary game show producer, had a classic observation: “If you can’t recall it, forget it.” Often, we can’t even recall why we were angry or upset. So, don’t try. Every … >>>

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William Glasser’s Biography

On October 30, 2014 / Learning, Parenting, Relationships, Responsibility

A fascinating biography about William Glasser has recently been published. William Glasser, M.D. was a renowned psychiatrist and author of many books including Schools without Failure, Choice Theory, and Reality Therapy.

Dr. Glasser made major contributions to the fields of therapy, mental health, and education. His particular contribution to teaching were classroom meetings and having young people responsible for their behavior.

Here are some of the quotes from Dr. Jim Roy’s book that you can find on my website:

“Not teaching students how to function is like asking them to play a game without teaching them the rules.”

“Unless we can get rid of coercion we will never make even a dent in the problems of education. “

Discipline Without … >>>

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5 Tips for Improving Your Relationships

On September 30, 2014 / Relationships

Here are five suggestions for improving relationships—with youth and adults alike.

First, give affirmations. A simple acknowledgement can have dramatic results. This is especially important with young people. They want to assert their independence and autonomy. Just acknowledging that you have heard their point of view, regardless of agreement, can have a profound effect on how your growing young one feels about the relationship.
Second, use quality listening time. Quality time is quality-driven, not necessarily quantity-driven. Simply give your full attention to the person speaking. By using eye contact, a nod now and then, and occasionally interjecting a clarification communicates that you are “with” the person—that you are not only listening but hearing what the person is saying.
Third, share

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Avoid the “7 Deadly Habits” of Relationships

On September 16, 2014 / Parenting, Relationships

Dr. William Glasser, the originator of “Reality Therapy” and “Choice Theory,” believes that attempts to change others by using “external control psychology” (including the common discipline approaches of imposed punishments or rewards) are doomed to fail.

He refers to such “external approaches” as the “seven deadly habits.” He lists them as: criticizing, blaming, complaining, nagging, threatening, punishing, and rewarding to control.

To prove his point, just respond to the following:

How do you feel when someone criticizes you?
How do you feel when someone blames you?
How do you feel when someone complains to you?
How do you feel when someone nags you?
How do you feel when someone threatens to do something to you?
How do you feel when

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Change Your Relationships by Changing Yourself

On August 19, 2014 / Relationships

If you look around at your family, friends, and co-workers, you will see that the happiest people are the ones who don’t pretend to know what’s right for others and don’t try to control anyone but themselves.

You will further see that the people who are most miserable are those who are always trying to control others. Even if they have a lot of power, such as over students, the constant resistance in some form by the weaker people they are trying to control deprives them of happiness.

If you try to control your students, you will be met with constant discipline challenges. If you try to control a spouse or partner, the relationship will be stressful. If you try … >>>

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How to Make a Difference in a Child’s Life

On August 7, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

I’ve seen the following message circulate over the years. As so many teachers and parents are spending the next few weeks preparing for another school year, I thought this would be a good time to share this wonderful reminder about what it really takes to make a difference in someone’s life.

Recall the following:

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
4. Name five people who have won a Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
5. Name the last half-dozen Academy Award winners for best actor (female and male).
6. Name five of the last decade’s World Series winners.

How did … >>>

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What to do When a Child Chooses Level A Behavior

On June 3, 2014 / Discipline, Relationships

When using the Discipline Without Stress Hierarchy, you will sometimes run into a child who likes to challenge you. For example, upon learning the various levels, the child may say, “I like being on Level A. I don’t want to be on Levels C or D.”

When this occurs, what is an adult to do? How do you help the child move past this challenging behavior without resorting to a coercive discipline approach?

The key is to let the child know (in a positive voice and demeanor) that it is her choice to act on Level A, and when she chooses that level, that means she wants you to boss her. Explain that a person acting on Level A … >>>

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Coercion versus Respect

On May 22, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

A colleague emailed me the following paragraph from a book she’s reading called Bringing Home the Dharma: Awakening Right Where You Are by Jack Kornfield. The passage provides a great story about how coercion breeds defiance.

“With acceptance and respect, problems that seem intractable often become workable. A man began to give large doses of cod liver oil to his Doberman because he had been told that the stuff was good for dogs. Each day he would hold the head of the protesting dog between his knees, force its jaws open, and pour the liquid down its throat. One day the dog broke loose and the fish oil spilled on the floor. Then, to the man’s great surprise, the dog

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More Wasted Education Reform Money in Los Angeles Schools

On April 10, 2014 / Relationships

The front page of the Los Angeles Times on April 9, 2014 featured a huge photo of 375 empty student desks, which represented the 375 students who drop out of the district’s schools each and every week. To reduce this drop-out rate, the superintendent of the district is asking for $837 million for a number of projects, including:

More tutoring and greater access to counselors and other services for 11,600 foster youth.
More instructional coaches and training materials for teachers of 154,110 students learning English.
More assistant principals, counselors, social workers, special education workers and other support for students at 37 schools with low-performing students and high teacher turnover.
192 library aides and 15 middle school librarians.
130 new

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A Calm Approach to Discipline

On March 25, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

I recently read a story about a woman whose job is to help difficult teens in the foster care system “settle down” so they can successfully function in a regular family. She has a unique method of working with the teens that, as others say, seems to “work miracles” with these difficult youths. I was amazed at how similar her approach is to the Discipline Without Stress methodology. Here’s what she does:

She said that in her mind, she chooses to think of these disturbed young people as “aliens” who have come from another planet. She pictures them as beings newly arrived on earth—with no idea of how this world works. She treats them as she would treat any foreign … >>>

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Mindsets Influence Discipline

On February 3, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Your mindset drives your behavior and how you react to others. The same is true for children. As the adult, you can assist young people by the pictures you help create for them.

Here’s how mindsets specifically relate to discipline and behavior. If you view irresponsible behavior to be deliberatively disruptive, then you’ll likely employ coercive discipline approaches, such as imposed punishments, rewards, or telling/lecturing. As a result, chances are that you’ll experience poor relationships with the children you’re interacting with and lots of stress.

In contrast, if you perceive that the behavior is the youngster’s best attempt to solve a frustration or problem, then you’ll naturally view the situation as an opportunity to help and use noncoercive discipline approaches, … >>>

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Discipline and Change

On January 20, 2014 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Although you can control another person through outdated discipline techniques like imposed punishments and rewards, you cannot change what a person thinks. People think and change themselves.

Ben Franklin said, “You cannot coerce people into changing their minds.” Once you learn this simple fact of life, the next question is, “How can I best influence the person to change?” The answer will always be through a noncoercive approach. Using positivity, choice, and reflection (all of which are discussed in detail on this site and in my books Discipline Without Stress and Parenting Without Stress) will increase your effectiveness in influencing others and will also result in improved relationships and fewer discipline challenges.

Remember, a change in behavior … >>>

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Relationships Reduce Discipline Problems

On December 16, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

A personal connection is the best gift that a teacher can give to students, especially troubled or challenging ones. In fact, strong teacher/student relationships can curb discipline problems.

We know that the brain is a seeker of connections. When new information is given to students, nothing in the brain may take place until a connection or hook is made. For some students, cognitive connections are not made easily. The human connection can serve as the part of what provides a hook for persistence that is so necessary for success with these students.

A teacher is an encourager. In his article “Teaching for Intelligence: In Search of Best Practices,” Jim Bellanca stated it succinctly: “Teaching is a strategic act of encouragement.” … >>>

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What Teachers Really Do

On December 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Contrary to popular belief, teachers are not just in the teaching profession; they are also in the relationship, marketing, and motivation professions. How can I assert that? Consider these points:

Relationships are key: Students will not learn from (or take discipline from) someone they do not like. For many people, including youth, relationships are their most prized possession. The aphorism is true: People don’t care how much you know until they know that you care.

Marketing matters: Today’s students have so many diversions that they do not come to school, sit at the teacher’s feet, and say, “Teach me.” Successful teachers create curiosity. They make learning meaningful, enjoyable, and challenging. But most of all, they motivate students to learn. In

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Develop the Discipline to NOT Help

On November 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

We all want to help others in need, especially when the person in need is a child. But sometimes, the best way to help people is to stop helping them.

Of course, not helping someone is difficult. Teachers and parents, by nature, are helpers. They don’t want to see children struggle. However, rather than do the task for the other person, have the discipline to back off. A simple question like, “Well, what do you think about that?” or “What do you think we should do?” or “What would you like to see happen?” prompts the person to reflect, entices a solution to a challenge, and even encourages self-discipline.

If you think about it, this approach makes sense. It’s something … >>>

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Seek Out the Positive

On November 11, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

An old saying tells us: “If you can’t say anything nice about a person, then don’t say anything at all.”

That’s great advice, not only for your communications with others, but also with yourself. In other words, if you can’t say (or think) something nice about yourself, then don’t say (or think) anything at all … unless you can exert the discipline to turn it around to positive self-talk.

The practice of positivity—with others and yourself—is so important that it’s the first practice of the Discipline Without Stress model. The opposite, of course, is negativity. In building relationships with children and adults, negativity is the biggest enemy.

Don’t allow negative ideas that pop into your mind to direct your thoughts. … >>>

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