Relationships

When Communicating, Check for Understanding

On October 18, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Checking for understanding is by far the most important thing you can do in listening. In fact, without this step you can never be sure that you and the other person actually communicated.

There is a story told about General Alexander Haig, the former commander-in-chief, United States European Command, who spent five years with the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). One time at an international party, an Englishman asked him, “General Haig, are you married?”

Haig said, “Yes, I am.”

The Englishman asked, “Do you have any children?”

He answered, “No, I don’t have any children. My wife can’t get pregnant.”

The Englishman said, “Oh I see … your wife is inconceivable.”

A German fellow said, “No, no. You don’t … >>>

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Make Communicating with Your Children Easier

On September 30, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Parenting, Relationships  

As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, no two children (or adults for that matter) are the same. Each individual, young or old, views the world differently, interacts with others in a distinctive way, and processes information uniquely.

Of course, differences are good. It would be boring if everyone acted, behaved, and thought the same way. But sometimes, interacting with people who are vastly different from you (as with many parent/child relationships) can be stressful. 

Noticing behavioral styles among people is nothing new. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing. If you and your child operate from different … >>>

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What Teachers Can Do to Keep Kids in School

On July 23, 2013   /   Relationships  

As much as we wish learning were the major attraction for students in attending school, during the adolescent years we find that relationships are often the major motivational factor. Kids want to be with other kids. When a student lacks a sense of belonging, when the student feels anonymous or isolated, motivation for school attendance is diminished. In fact, one main reason why students drop out of school is lack of friendship.

Teachers can address this issue by planning activities where students spend some time interacting and getting to know each other. This can be accomplished in any classroom in just a few minutes. Students share their interests, hobbies, experiences, and things they are proud of with a partner. Some … >>>

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Positivity, Frank Sinatra, and “On the Sunny Side of the Street”

On July 17, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

As a professional speaker, I treat my vocal chords as athletes and musicians treat their key assets. So one of my procedures is to sing in order to enhance my vocal variations and tone of my voice. I do this by singing a few mornings each week.

One of the songs I often sing with is a recording of Frank Sinatra’s “On the Sunny Side of the Street.“ I especially enjoy the lyrics since they bring to mind my “positivity” principle to practice.

Here are the lyrics:

Grab your coat and snatch your hat, leave your worries on the doorstep.
Just direct your feet to the sunny side of the street.

Can’t you hear that pitter pat and that … >>>

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One Key Skill All Parents and Teachers Must Master

On July 9, 2013   /   Parenting, Reflection, Relationships  

Reflection is a powerful teaching and learning strategy that parents and teachers often overlook. The key to reflection is the skill of asking youngsters self-evaluative questions. Here are a few examples:

  • Are you angry at me or at the situation?
  • Does what you are doing help you get your work done?
  • What would an extraordinary person do in this situation?
  • Are you willing to try something different if it would help you?

Unfortunately, most parents and teachers ask ineffective questions such as, “Why are you doing that?” This is a pothole question. First, most people cannot articulate their motivation and second, the youngster may answer, “Because I have ADD.” Better never to ask a child a “Why?” question regarding behavior! … >>>

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Discipline in South Africa

On June 23, 2013   /   Discipline, Relationships  

When I spoke in South Africa about Discipline Without Stress, I saw how the country was undergoing the most radical changes of any modern country.

The country’s political system and culture were moving away from complete separateness (apartheid) of its various groups of people to one of open democracy. The traditional African approach of dealing with discipline problems through consultation, bargaining, and resolving disputes through negotiation was quite refreshing. The approach of collaboration, rather than confrontation—even in handling discipline problems—appeared more effective, less coercive, and less stressful than confrontational approaches.… >>>

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Aim for Clarification in Discipline Problems

On June 21, 2013   /   Discipline, Relationships  

You may be familiar with the children’s book, “The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs” “ by A. Wolf. The book, as the title indicates, explains the story from the viewpoint of the wolf. What does this have to do with discipline?

Understanding that everyone has a point of view can have a significant impact on solving discipline problems. The reason is that by listening to each person’s viewpoint—by wearing someone else’s moccasins—understanding increases and often reveals the reason for the discipline problem.

Reaching clarity is also the key to improving relationships. Optimal relationships—as well as resolving discipline and behavior problems—can often start with clarity because it leads to understanding of the other person’s reference frame. … >>>

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Discipline for Smart People

On June 19, 2013   /   Discipline, Relationships  

This site is often referred to as “discipline for smart people” because this type of person understands that no one can coerce another person into changing one’s mind and that the most effective approach for influencing a person to change behavior is to induce the person to influence her/himself.

The approach has two fundamental characteristics. The first is that stress—oftentimes associated with discipline—is significantly reduced. The second is that external manipulators, such as rewards for appropriate behavior, are not necessary because they are counterproductive to promoting responsibility. Similarly, threats and punishments are not necessary either. Imposed punishments are based on the theory that a person needs to be harmed to be taught—to be hurt in order to learn.

Most people … >>>

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How Kinesics Affects Discipline

On June 18, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

When you’re communicating with a youngster, especially when in a discipline situation, how you ask reflective questions as well as your tone of voice are important. But did you know that your kinesics are equally vital?

What is kinesics and how does it affect discipline and communication? Basically, kinesics is non-verbal body language. It’s all the gestures, facial expressions, movements, and posture you use while you communicate.

If you are checking for understanding with a frowning face, arms folded, body stiff, and eyes glaring while asking, “What level is that?” you are sending a very clear coercive message. However, if you ask the same question with a slight smile, arm extended with the palm up, body slightly forward, and eyes … >>>

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Carrots Are More Effective than Sticks

On June 10, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Edward Deci, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and director of its human motivation program, has been studying human motivation for years. The following is adapted from the July/August 2013 issue of Scientific American Mind, page 18.

It’s pretty well accepted that punishment is NOT a great motivator. But there is still some debate about whether “tangible” carrots such as bonuses and prizes also truly inspire.

However, one carrot that nearly always works, according to a large meta-analysis by Dr. Deci and his colleagues, is positive feedback.

Positive feedback is something that feels good to anyone who’s getting it. This simply means supporting someone’s sense of competence. When people … >>>

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Learning and Relationships

On May 9, 2013   /   Learning, Relationships  

Learning and relationships are inseparable.

How we feel affects and even directs how we behave and learn. As you have heard time and time again—with a great deal of truth—students don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.

Trust is the foundation of any relationship. With people, trust also carries with it an implicit message that the other person has your own best interests in mind. That is why we can accept criticism and even anger from those whom we trust. We know, deep down, that they really mean to help us.

Trust is an interesting quality because, once it is lost, it is hard to recapture. Many a relationship gasped its last breath on … >>>

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Asking Is The Key

On May 3, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

One of the key ideas I suggest people write down during my seminars is this: “The person who asks the question controls the conversation” or “The person who asks the question controls the situation.”

Let me demonstrate to you how this works. You walk into the store and the salesperson asks, “How are you today?”

Isn’t there a natural tendency to answer?

Here is another situation. A friend with whom you are talking suddenly asks you a question. Do you stop and answer the question or do you continue with your monologue? Chances are you stop and answer the friend’s question.

If you want to discipline a student or child, you … >>>

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Adjusting to a Bad Habit

On March 28, 2013   /   Relationships  

The couple was in love and had a very successful marriage. However, the wife was never successful in having her husband pick up his socks.

She tried every idea she could think of, but none seemed to work. As time went on, she began to resent his habit.

Suddenly, the husband died.

The wife reported that she very much misses picking up his socks.… >>>

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Develop a Listening Attitude

On March 11, 2013   /   Parenting, Relationships  

If you want to increase your effectiveness with others, you need to develop a “listening attitude.” In fact, your listening attitude is more important than anything you say in response to someone. Your attitude of respect and understanding is more important than your ability to formulate brilliant responses, as the following slightly abridged thought by Ralph Roughton, M.D., illustrates:

When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to

… >>> READ MORE >>> →
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Stephen Covey on Learning

On January 29, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Learning, Relationships  

Being positive with oneself and others, being aware that we always have a choice in our responses, and using reflection to actuate behavioral change is, for most of us, a paradigm shift in learning. Implementing these three noncoercive practices promotes responsibility, increases our effectiveness, improves our relationships, and reduces stress.

In a way it is, as Stephen Covey says, like being fitted for and wearing new glasses. It takes a little learning and getting used to, but the brain adapts by making new neural connections. The more we practice, the stronger the reinforcement, the more glial cells our brain manufactures, and the easier and more creative we are in the use of the principles.

So as not to … >>>

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Use Choices to Improve Relationships

On January 18, 2013   /   Parenting, Relationships  

Here is an important concept for all parents to remember regarding relationships: Not losing is more important than winning. Children’s desires will not always be fulfilled, but as long as they are aware that they have a choice as to their responses, they are not put in a position where they feel that they lose—which naturally prompts negative feelings.

No one likes being cornered, literally or figuratively. The belief of not having a choice encourages resistance because it prompts a feeling of being trapped. When a child is without options, the result is not only resistance but also resentment. By contrast, offering choices ensures that a child’s power and dignity are retained.

As a parent, you are choosing … >>>

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Reducing Stress with Disagreeable People

On January 15, 2013   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Reducing stress with disagreeable people requires some education and self-discipline—as indicated in the following comment that was sent to me from a reader of my free monthly newsletter. The article referred to follows his comment.

“After reading, ‘To accept yourself fully is to recognize that not everyone you meet will like you and that you will never be perfect,’  I gave myself an assignment: Look forward to an encounter with that Disagreeable One in my day. Now I was ready with my changed attitude: I didn’t have to win that person over. I could shrug it off and not keep emotional baggage. It was liberating and allowed me to find other times for making a working job relationship. I discovered … >>>

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The Water Bearer

On December 27, 2012   /   Relationships  

A water bearer in China had two large pots; each hung on the ends of a pole that he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection and miserable that it … >>>

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