Stress Management for Living, Teaching, & Parenting

Without Stress Newsletter – December 2016

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Volume 16 Number 12 December 2016
Newsletter #185

IN THIS ISSUE:

  1. Welcome
  2. Reducing Stress
  3. Promoting Responsibility
  4. Increasing Effectiveness
  5. Improving Relationships
  6. Promoting Learning
  7. Parenting Without Stress
  8. Discipline without Stress (DWS)
  9. What People Say

1. WELCOME

MONTHLY QUOTE:

Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing but of reflection.
—Winston Churchill
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The eBook version of LIVE WITHOUT STRESS: HOW TO ENJOY THE JOURNEY will soon be available online at Amazon’s Kindle store for $9.99. Comments from people who have read the draft are available.

CONTENTS:
Part I INSIGHTS THAT REDUCE STRESS
1 Assumptions
2 The Brain-Body Connection
3 External vs. Internal Motivation

Part II PRACTICES THAT REDUCE STRESS
4 Positivity
5 Choices
6 Reflection

Part III APPLICATIONS THAT REDUCE STRESS
7 Procedures
8 Impulse Control
9 Modalities

Part IV AWARENESS AND STRESS
10 Metacognition and Mindsets
11 Language
12 Visualization

Part V THE BODY AND STRESS
13 Switchtasking
14 Breathing, Posture, and Exercis
15 Sleep, Nutrition, and Laughter

Part VI PARENTING AND STRESS
16 Discipline
17 Personality Styles
18 Rewards and Punishments

Part VII RELATIONSHIPS AND STRESS
19 Female and Male Differences
20 Resolving Conflicts
21 Counterwill

Part VIII UNDERSTANDINGS RELATED TO STRESS
22 Perfectionism
23 Attentive Listening
24 Competition and Collaboration

Part IX OTHER TOPICS RELATED TO STRESS
25 Difficult People
26 Finance
27 Aging

Epilogue (You will find this very interesting and a new insight on handling emotions.)

Bibliography

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Help make the book an Amazon best seller. If we all make the purchase on the same day, it will surely enhance marketing. If you are interested in purchasing the $9.99 eBook when it is available, let me know.
I guarantee that you will learn many ideas that will reduce your stress and enhance the quality of your life.

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To celebrate the holidays of gratitude and giving, I am offering both my laminated hard cover EDUCATION book and my laminated hard cover PARENTING book at substantial discounts:

EDUCATION book of $39.95 for $19.98
PARENTING book of $29.97 for $19.97.

Visit PiperPress for details.

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I WAS ASKED:

Hello,
I have always been a big proponent of DWS (Discipline Without Stress) and someone brought up the fact that people are given a paycheck for coming to work. Their reasoning was that adults are rewarded for doing their job so why shouldn’t kids be. I remember reading something addressing this in the DWS book or in an article or somewhere, but I cannot find it. Can you point me in the right direction?

Thanks,
Debbie

MY RESPONSE:

It’s easy to find. Just go my website http://withoutstress.com AND INSERT A KEY WORD IN THE SEARCH BOX IN THE UPPER RIGHT CORNER.

Debbie, I searched for “Compensation” and the following immediately popped up:
https://withoutstress.com/compensation-is-not-a-reward/

In addition, Debbie, here is a simple question to ask another person in the future to make the point: “WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU THANKED YOUR EMPLOYER FOR GIVING YOU THE REWARD FOR WORKING?”

2. REDUCING STRESS

Recently published on Without Stress Tips:

42 Quality Work Reduces Stress
43 Reduce Stress by Compartmentalization
44 Forgetting What You Don’t Need Reduces Stress
45 Perception Influences Stress Management Levels

3. PROMOTING RESPONSIBILITY

GOD HAS ENTRUSTED ME WITH MYSELF. —Epictetus

Young people have choices—both conscious and nonconscious. These choices are a significant factor in determining their lives. The sooner young people become aware of this, the earlier they will start to make responsible choices.

Young people also become more responsible when they learn that regardless of a situation that cannot be changed, regardless of a stimulation that prompts emotions to erupt, and regardless of an urge or impulse, they always have the power and freedom to choose how they respond. The ability is referred to as choice-response thinking

Teaching young people about choice-response thinking—that they need not be victims—may be one of the most valuable thinking patterns we can give them.

Choice empowers. Choice, control, and responsibility are so woven together that one significantly affects the others. Make a choice, and control is enhanced. Fail to choose, and control is diminished. The more responsibility that is chosen, the more control follows. Deny responsibility, and control is given up.

We become more responsible by being aware of the choices we make. This realization plays an important role in how people direct their lives. As Harry Potter’s mentor, Albus Dumbledore, advised the youth, “It is not our abilities that say who we are. It is our choices.” It’s not only the circumstances in which we find ourselves—but also our choices that make us who we are. Because we always have the freedom to choose, we are therefore responsible for our own behaviors. Teaching young people that they choose their own behaviors helps them become conscious that no one else chooses their behaviors for them.

The critical difference between optimistic thinking and pessimistic thinking has to do with the perception of control which, in turn, depends upon perception of choice. The optimist believes choices are available; the pessimist doesn’t.

Young people can be taught to self-talk in enabling and self-powering ways. Here are a few thinking starters that help in making responsible choices:

My choice is….
I made this choice because….
The results of my choice will be…

If these thoughts were to be written down, carried on a small card, and referred to each day for twenty-one (21) days, they would enhance one’s life. It would become a natural way of thinking.

From the $4.97 eBook Tips for Promoting Responsibility at Piper Press.

4. INCREASING EFFECTIVENESS

In this season of reflection, consider the famous story by Warren Buffitt’s partner:

“A smart person goes into a room with an orangutan and explains whatever his or her idea is while the ape just sits there and eats a banana. At the end of the explanation, the person comes out of the room smarter.” —Charlie Munger

5. IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS

Here is a key question to ask in any dispute:

WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE IT RIGHT?

6. PROMOTING LEARNING

Marv,

I want to say thanks for the great new book you are working on. I hope it ends up in the hands of many people. The more I reread and reflect on your work, the more I appreciate what you have done for people.

I need some advice. We have been a PBIS school for around eight years and this year we are doing, as our principal is saying, a reboot of the program. Our new PBIS committee has met throughout the year making adjustments to the program because we are not getting what we want. I raised my objections when the word got out that we were going to have a school store where students would be able to redeem good behavior tickets for little trinkets. I was invited to speak to the committee and share my concerns.

Well, I failed to convince them that rewarding students was not the best way to go in developing moral people. We are having a staff meeting next Tuesday for the unveiling of the new and improved PBIS. I met with my principal tonight and shared again my concern with doing this to our children. I asked him how he would handle my objections when it came to the Q&A portion of the presentation. He told me he would not ask me to remain silent. He then reinforced his and our Building Leadership Team (BLT) as the authority in the building and this is what we are going to do. He also brought up that even though I have shared many pieces of research in regard to not using rewards which the committee read, the BLT also read many articles supporting the use of rewards.

I then asked him if I could hand out the tickets to students, not for certain desired behaviors, but just because we are part of a great school and we appreciate them. He at first said that would be okay, and then he said he would have to think about that idea. He said I have autonomy under PBIS but he would have to think about what I was proposing. I’m not sure what he means by autonomy under PBIS.

I am also in contact with our area PBIS trainer trying to arrange a time to visit with her. My principal shared that she has national certification with PBIS. I told him I would look forward to talking with her.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. We live in a Theory X (coercion and manipulation) world and right now I feel like I am on a very small Theory Y (influence and noncoercion) island.

Thanks for any help you can give me and keep up the awesome work you are doing! (Name and location withheld for appropriateness.)

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I sent a RESPONSE from another teacher’s comments:

The initial excitement over giving rewards is what makes people believe they work. What six-year old doesn’t want stickers and a trip to the prize box? What fourth and fifth grader isn’t “motivated” to attend a dance or popcorn party? They all want the rewards. It’s making them conditional by tying rewards to behavior or grades.

In my class, I do give out stickers occasionally (from all the unsolicited donated ones parents send in). I tell the kids upfront that they won’t be getting any stickers or treats from me based on behavior or academics. THAT IS CONDITIONAL AND CONTROLLING (caps added). No one likes feeling controlled and manipulated. My sticker giveaways are unconditional, just as my affection and regard for them is unconditional. So when I give out stickers everyone gets them “just because stickers are fun and I love you!”

MOST TEACHERS HAVE NO IDEAS THAT GIVING REWARDS THAT KIDS LIKE ARE TEACHING KIDS VALUES—RATHER THAN THE VALUES THEY WILL NEED TO BECOME RESPONSIBLE ADULTS. (caps added)

If you search under PBIS at my website,  you can find more.

7. PARENTING WITHOUT STRESS

If a youngster will not do chores or fulfill responsibilities, add choices rather than use a coercive approach such as threatening. Instead of assigning two tasks, offer five and have the youngster choose two. This approach is successful because the youngster owns the decision. It’s not forced.

8. DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS (DWS)

Notice the difference between how a consequence and a contingency are heard by the receiver. “If your work is not done, you’re not going,” (consequence, stated in the negative) vs. “As soon as you finish your work, you can go,” (contingency, stated in the positive). Notice, also, that the contingency places responsibility on the youngster and communicates a sense of trust and confidence.

9. WHAT PEOPLE SAY

I loved and used your program in my classroom for the last several years of my career. In fact, I’d pretty much say that it saved my teaching career. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Linda Nielsen
Provo, Utah

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RESOURCES

DISCIPLINE WITHOUT STRESS eLEARNING

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES

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Copyright © 2016 Marvin Marshall.

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Dr. Marvin Marshall
P.O. Box 2227
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
Phone: 714.220.1882
marv@marvinmarshall.com
Piper Press
P.O. Box 2227
Los Alamitos, CA 90720
Phone: 559.805.1389
order@piperpress.com