How one views a situation has a significant effect on how one understands the situation. Our viewpoints are determined by our experiences and our thinking. This explains how different people can view the same discipline problem differently. We see through different lenses. I attempted to explain this in the opening paragraph of my education book. Here is the opening paragraph: “Life is a conversation. Interestingly, the most influential person we talk with all day is ourself, and what we tell ourself has a direct bearing on our behavior, our performance, and our influence on others. In fact, a good case can be made that our self-talk creates our reality.” After writing this, I became more acutely aware of my own-self talk and
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You may be familiar with the children’s book, “The True Story of the 3 Little Pigs” “ by A. Wolf. The book, as the title indicates, explains the story from the viewpoint of the wolf. What does this have to do with discipline? Understanding that everyone has a point of view can have a significant impact on solving discipline problems. The reason is that by listening to each person’s viewpoint—by wearing someone else’s moccasins—understanding increases and often reveals the reason for the discipline problem. Reaching clarity is also the key to improving relationships. Optimal relationships—as well as resolving discipline and behavior problems—can often start with clarity because it leads to understanding of the other person’s reference frame.
READ MORE >>> →Disruptive discipline problems in public school classrooms are increasing across the country. In St. Louis last week, a high school teacher and a 16-year-old girl created chaos in the classroom. The video showed the student standing up, cursing the teacher, and ready to leave the classroom. Apparently, the incident pushed the teacher over the edge, prompting him to be very abusive to the teenager. There is no doubt that kids today are acting differently than they did a generation ago. We can easily articulate a number of factors as to why—but none will solve the problem. In Los Angeles the school board recently passed a resolution amounting to giving students freedom to say anything—including cursing the teacher—and the student cannot be suspended for
READ MORE >>> →One of the traditional and ineffective discipline techniques is to lecture or tell a youngster what to do. Even though the intent of telling a child is worthwhile, the actual telling is perceived as an attempt to control. Telling creates defensiveness and a tendency to resist, and it does not engender desire. In other words, it does nothing to reduce discipline problems because it fails to motivate the child to want to change. The only way that you can “motivate” another person—whether spouse or partner, child, friend, or employee—is to provide an environment by which that person wants to change. This is especially the case when it comes to a lasting change in behavior. Reflect on the story that originated
READ MORE >>> →This site is often referred to as “discipline for smart people” because this type of person understands that no one can coerce another person into changing one’s mind and that the most effective approach for influencing a person to change behavior is to induce the person to influence her/himself. The approach has two fundamental characteristics. The first is that stress—oftentimes associated with discipline—is significantly reduced. The second is that external manipulators, such as rewards for appropriate behavior, are not necessary because they are counterproductive to promoting responsibility. Similarly, threats and punishments are not necessary either. Imposed punishments are based on the theory that a person needs to be harmed to be taught—to be hurt in order to learn. Most people would prefer
READ MORE >>> →Here are four main differences between the Discipline without Stress Teaching Model and other approaches: (1) The approach is proactive by teaching the Hierarchy of Social Development before problems occur. It implements Stephen Covey’s first habit of highly effective people. Other approaches are reactive in that the adult responds after disruptive behavior or discipline problems occur. (2) Consequences are elicited, rather than imposed. Many approaches refer to “logical” or “natural” consequences. They are both are imposed. Discipline without Stress does not use them. Anything that is imposed lacks ownership—an essential characteristic for long-term change. Eliciting a consequence or a procedure is much more effective than any imposed discipline approach. (3) Emphasis is on changing behavior, rather than on analyzing the causes of
READ MORE >>> →When you’re communicating with a youngster, especially when in a discipline situation, how you ask reflective questions as well as your tone of voice are important. But did you know that your kinesics are equally vital? What is kinesics and how does it affect discipline and communication? Basically, kinesics is non-verbal body language. It’s all the gestures, facial expressions, movements, and posture you use while you communicate. If you are checking for understanding with a frowning face, arms folded, body stiff, and eyes glaring while asking, “What level is that?” you are sending a very clear coercive message. However, if you ask the same question with a slight smile, arm extended with the palm up, body slightly forward, and eyes
READ MORE >>> →Some people’s ego deprives them of the benefit that comes from one of the most powerful approaches ever devised: asking for help. We see this play out every day, such as when someone refuses to ask for directions, fails to accept assistance on a project, or prefers to struggle through a situation alone. One of the most powerful phrases in all of life is “I wonder if you could help me with something….” This phrase breaks down barriers. In sales, it turns icy gatekeepers into warm and friendly allies. It turns busy and mighty executives into unhurried conversationalists happy to share their secrets and contacts. Why does such a simple phrase have such a profound impact on people? The reason
READ MORE >>> →Ron Karr is the incoming president of the National Speakers Association (2013-2014). He related the following story to me that involved his daughter, Amanda, whose softball team had a very unsatisfying experience. Amanda and her team were playing for the league championship. The team lost 18 to 0. The following year, the team again went to the finals, only to meet the same rivals that had devastated them the previous year. The team’s coach knew that Ron was a motivational speaker and asked him to say a few words of inspiration to the team before the game started. Ron’s charge to the players was to think of what they wanted, rather than their negative experience the last time they played
READ MORE >>> →Parents often ask me what the Raise Responsibility System is all about. While this website has much information about the system, here are a few key points to help explain it: As the name states, the Raise Responsibility System aims at promoting responsibility. This is in contrast to approaches that aim at fostering obedience. When parents aim toward obedience with young people today, they often get resistance, resentment, and even rebellion. The result is stress for both parent and child. As children grow, the more we try to force obedience the more they resist. However, when responsibility is promoted, obedience becomes a natural by-product. The Raise Responsibility System is proactive rather than reactive. Instead of waiting until an undesirable behavior
READ MORE >>> →The Common Core requirements are being applied across the nation. I have had serious concerns since they first came into being. One of my main concerns is that academics are being thrust upon young boys in kindergarten and first grade before boys are cognitively mature enough to meet these academic demands. In my administrative experiences as an elementary school principal, I would often counsel parents into having very young boys repeat kindergarten or first grade. Being held back at very young ages is in young people’s best interests—in contrast to feelings of failure or failing in a higher grade. Apparently some states are also having reservations about the “Common Core State Standards Initiative.” For example, should every eighth-grader know how
READ MORE >>> →As I like to remind parents, there isn’t any empowerment more effective than self-empowerment. Because being positive is so enabling, it is best to displace thoughts, communications, and discipline practices that are destructive. Continually ask yourself how what you want to communicate or the lesson you want to instill can be put in a positive way. For example, saying, “You are bad tempered,” has the same meaning as, “You need to work on controlling your temper.” However, the first labels the person, whereas the second enables the person. People change more by building on their strengths and aptitudes than by working on their weaknesses. This does not mean that an area of weakness should not be worked on, but it
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 6
# 2 Dr. Ben Carson, Presidential Medal of Freedom Awardee
# 3 Creating a Theatre of the Mind
# 5 Counseling a middle school student
Edward Deci, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and director of its human motivation program, has been studying human motivation for years. The following is adapted from the July/August 2013 issue of Scientific American Mind, page 18. It’s pretty well accepted that punishment is NOT a great motivator. But there is still some debate about whether “tangible” carrots such as bonuses and prizes also truly inspire. However, one carrot that nearly always works, according to a large meta-analysis by Dr. Deci and his colleagues, is positive feedback. Positive feedback is something that feels good to anyone who’s getting it. This simply means supporting someone’s sense of competence. When people are highly motivated, engaged in the work, and committed
READ MORE >>> →I recently came upon a poem that is worth sharing with anyone interested in responsibility or self-discipline. I share the poem with you, written by anonymous. Responsibility Poem I am responsible for all that I do, from turning in work to making friends, too. I choose if my room will be messy or clean; I also make the choice to be kind or mean. It is up to me just how much I will learn; the grades that I get will be grades that I earn. I make the choice to be happy or sad, to have a good day, or have one that is bad. So I will choose what is best for me. I am
READ MORE >>> →All parents want their children to take initiative and perform certain tasks around the home. Whether it’s taking out the trash, feeding the dog, or setting the table, there are household chores that are appropriate for every age group. When children don’t take on the requested responsibilities (or don’t do them satisfactorily), many parents resort to discipline measures as a way to “motivate” the child to do the task. But this approach creates stress for both the parent and the child. A better approach is to work smarter with your child. When you do, you’ll find that you actually discipline less. Here are some tips. Once a task has been performed, the objective should be to focus on progress—rather than
READ MORE >>> →The media has recently been showing a video of violence in a Philadelphia high school. The news program I watched had two people of opposite political viewpoints sharing what they believed were the reasons for the violence in the school. From my perspective, all the reasons were excuses. Violent situations in schools will decrease when teachers are taught how to teach responsibility and impulse control. There is a way to reduce violence, and it is not through coercion or aiming at obedience, which is the approach usually employed. Implementing the Discipline Without Stress® Teaching Model can make a significant difference in reducing discipline problems and violence in schools.
READ MORE >>> →I read an article today that a town in Wisconsin is going to attempt to reduce the number of bullying incidences by imposing fines on the parents of reported bullies. According the article, parents will be fined $114 within 90 days following a written notice about their child’s bullying; the fine will increase to $177 for each repeated instance of bullying within a year of the first violation. The goal is that once the parents are fined, they will discipline their bullying child, which will then stop the bullying. Of course, bullying is wrong and needs to stop at all levels. However, I doubt this approach will work for three key reasons: 1) It is putting the responsibility not to
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