A story about the legendary escape artist, Harry Houdini, demonstrates the danger of mistaken assumptions. According to the tale, Houdini began his career by traveling throughout Europe visiting small towns and challenging the local jailer to bind him in a straitjacket and lock him in a cell. He had no trouble until he reached a small Irish village. In front of a crowd of townspeople and newspaper reporters, Houdini easily broke free of the straitjacket, but he failed to unlock the cell. After everyone had left, Houdini admitted defeat and asked the the jailer to release him. Then the jailer confessed the trick. He had never locked the the cell door, and Houdini never pulled on the unlocked door before
READ MORE >>> →Archive
Taking conscious control of self-talk can act like a magic wand to shift to empowering and controlling mental states. Young people can be taught to self-talk in enabling and self-powering ways. Phrases such as “prompts me” and “stimulates me” can be substituted for the powerless “made me” and “caused me.” Additional words that reduce “victim” thinking are references to “influence,” “persuade,” “arouse,” “irritate,” “annoy,” “pique,” and “provoke.” These words do not give away power; they merely describe the effect on oneself. Instead of thinking, “The task is too difficult,” young people can be taught to take charge by eliminating the “too” and by changing the word “difficult” into “challenging”—as in, “The task is challenging.” Another more subtle language pattern is
READ MORE >>> →Language helps shape behavior. Give young children a cookie and say to them, “I will return in a few minutes and will give you something else if you haven’t eaten the cookie until I return. ” If you were to watch the young ones through an observation window, you would see some youngsters talking to themselves attempting to control their impulses. Those without language skills will be seen making all kinds of contortions and movements in attempts to control themselves. Control is easier with appropriate language. In his classic, futuristic novel, “1984, ” George Orwell makes the point that language shapes thinking. If there were no word for freedom, the concept would be difficult to communicate. Language not only assists
READ MORE >>> →Punishment is based on the idea that a person needs to be hurt in order to learn. This is fallacious thinking—especially when dealing with young people. When punishment is imposed, the person being punished feels like a victim. Victims take no responsibility for their behavior. In addition, IMPOSED punishments evoke negative feelings on the part of the punished towards the punisher. A more effective approach is to ELICIT a consequence (or a procedure to prevent future such behaviors) from the youngster by asking, “What should we do about this?” If the response is not satisfactory, then ask, “What else?” “What else?” until what the youngster says is acceptable. Using this approach, the child is taking responsibility for the consequence. This
READ MORE >>> →I was asked the following question: I work with parents in helping their children to keep their agreements. At school, I help the children to understand that if they say they will do something, it is their responsibility to keep their end of the bargain. If they do not, I tell them that I am disappointed in them and that I expect that they will keep their word when they give their word. Parents, however, do not go along with this. They look for punishments and consequences when promises (agreements) are not kept. My response: The way for a youngster to take ownership is to work with him/her by DEVELOPING A PROCEDURE. After the agreement (plan) is made, set up
READ MORE >>> →Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 11 Number 1
#2 Responsibility and choice-response thinking
#4 Relationships and listening
#7 Discipline, responsibility, and democracy
Since people do better when they feel good, use contingencies—rather than imposing consequences. A simple way to send fewer negative communications and reduce resistance is to use contingencies, rather than consequences. The essence of a contingency is, “Yes, you may do that, as long as you first do this.” “Yes, you may ride in the boat, as long as you wear a life jacket.” Contingencies are so very effective because they promise with the positive—rather than threaten with the negative the way that imposed consequences do. Although consequences can be either positive or negative, when parents refer to “consequences,” they often think in terms of threats or punishments that are imposed. In contrast, “contingencies” paint positive pictures, empower, and are more
READ MORE >>> →Life is a conversation. Interestingly, the most influential person we talk with all day is ourself, and what we tell ourself has a direct bearing on our behavior, our performance, and our influence on others. In fact a good case can be made that our self-talk creates our reality. Both the parenting book and the education book show how to engage in self-talk so that stress is reduced, effectiveness is increased, and relationships are improved. The education book is primarily for classroom teachers. Anyone working with other people—regardless of age—can benefit from the parenting book.
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: I have your book, and I’m trying to find the best way to approach students who have physically harmed another. An example: One little girl pinched a boy because she thought he was going to pull some books down on her. He almost pulled the books on me. The three of us discussed the incident and the two students seemed satisfied. I asked the pinched child what he thought should happen and the pinching child apologized. Was there another way for me to approach the situation? RESPONSE: Excellent! You ELICITED from the child, rather than impose something. The next step is to establish some procedure. Let’s assume the student has the urge to do it again. Discuss what can
READ MORE >>> →Very few people enjoy being challenged. When we hear an opinion different from our own, a natural tendency is to be defensive. The reason is that we interpret our position as being criticized or, at least, not being recognized. A simple way to turn this situation into an advantage is to ask yourself, “What can I learn from this person’s opinion?” The attitude of inquisitiveness enhances learning and diminishes chances of any negative, reactive feelings. In addition, asking the following question may give insight into the other person’s thinking: “How did you come to that conclusion?” Learning the thinking and/or thought processes of the other person often clarifies—in addition to diffusing the urge of a negative reaction.
READ MORE >>> →No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjures up a negative feeling. I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by a parent, would find an excuse NOT to do it. Even if it was something he wanted to do, such as going outside to play, he would find an excuse to stay indoors just because he was TOLD. Depending upon the other person’s mental frame at the time, when we tell a person what to do—regardless of how admirable our intentions—the message is often PERCEIVED either as an attempt to
READ MORE >>> →David McMillian hosts an hour-long weekly radio program entitled, “Strategies for Living.” When he interviewed me for his program, he mentioned Viktor Frankl. Dr. Frankl was a professor of both neurology and psychology at the University of Vienna and a prolific writer. Perhaps his most famous book, “Man’s Search for Meaning,” describes what he learned in surviving three Nazi death camps. This short book has a profound positive effect on anyone who reads it. McMillian commented that Dr. Frankl suggested that what America needed was a “Statue of Responsibility” on the West Coast to balance the Statue of Liberty on the East Coast. Society’s emphasis on rights has not been balanced with an equal emphasis on responsibility. Many parents, having
READ MORE >>> →A magazine headlined the following: “DO KIDS HAVE TOO MUCH POWER? Yes, say many parents.” Major points of the article include overindulgence and the coddling of children in an attempt to insulate them from any discomfort. The article noted that it is a little ironic that the success and new found prosperity—the very accomplishments and good fortune that parents so desperately desire to share—actually put children at risk. Indulged children are often less able to cope with stress because parents have created an atmosphere where their whims are indulged. Such children grow up assuming that they’re entitled and that life should be a bed of roses. Young people manipulate parents by their constant asking —and thereby controlling the situation. Parents
READ MORE >>> →The following is shared about the book: “As parents and educators, we need all the assistance we can get. Marv Marshall helps us reduce our stress and increase our potential success by giving us many helpful ideas. You will find this book filled with insights and proven strategies that can be applied to all age levels.” Nancy K. Utterback, Ph.D., Professor Education & Character Education, Walsh University, Ohio The reason that the approach is so successful is that counterproductive approaches are not used. click here to see a list of them.
READ MORE >>> →I am a teacher of English from Argentina. I read your book and decided to put your great ideas into practice. I am implementing the system with a group of nine-year-olds. I am writing to you because I had a problem with a parent and I would like your advice. One of my students behaves like a bully, hits his classmates and threatens to hit them outside the classroom. He pushes them or he sometimes makes them stumble and he told a classmate something like ” Kiss my ass” ( in Spanish, of course). I decided to send a note to his parents when he did this, and asked him to write the following: Dear Mom and Dad, Today I
READ MORE >>> →Each time you coerce someone into doing something by using your power of authority, you deprive that person of an opportunity to become more responsible.
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: Dear Sir, I am a professor from Montevideo, Uruguay. I receive your newsletter and consider it a highly valuable resource. Please accept my sincere congratulations. Is it possible to have some hints on how to deal with groups (school or high-school) with multi-cultural members? I mean children or teenagers coming from oriental, Arabic or Latin homes do not have the same social attitudes toward studying, classroom behavior, bullying, teasing, etc. How can a teacher speak in general terms about specific topics that he/she knows will be understood differently by his/her students? Thanks a lot and, again, CONGRATULATIONS! RESPONSE: My message to students is: (1) No one can force you to learn, and I won’t even try. I will make
READ MORE >>> →Many of us see more relatives at this time of the year than at any other time. Here is a suggestion to keep in mind. When you deal with family, loved ones, close friends, and other valued people, don’t begin a new conversation with baggage from the last one—or even think about it. If you do, one small incident or perceived slight can adversely influence that conversation along with days or weeks of future communications. Goodman Ace, the legendary game show producer, had a classic observation: “If you can’t recall it, forget it.” In many cases, we can’t even recall why we were angry or upset. So, don’t try. Every communication should be thought of as a new one. This
READ MORE >>> →