Effectiveness

Self-Discipline and the Theatre of the Mind

On July 5, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Learning

The concept of a “Theatre of the Mind” was described by Maxwell Maltz, a cosmetic surgeon and author of Psycho-Cybernetics. It is a system of ideas that could improve a person’s self-image. His self-discipline system was developed after he discovered that people who had cosmetic surgery to improve their self-esteem failed to do so. Maltz concluded that in order to improve one’s “outer image,” the “inner image” must also be addressed. In essence, if one’s self-image is unhealthy or negative, all cosmetic efforts will be to no avail.

His ideas focus on visualizing as the cornerstone of change. His “Theatre of the Mind” is constructed in a person’s imagination, as in a real motion picture house. It is a … >>>

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Discipline, PBIS, and Behaviorism

On July 2, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Learning

Positive Behavioral Intervention and Supports (PBIS) is based upon using external approaches to promote responsible behavior and discipline. A little history is in order.

B. F. Skinner (1904-1990) was the famed Harvard University psychologist who became popular with his practice of behaviorism, which is an extension of classical conditioning that is identified with Pavlov’s dog. The dog smells food and salivates. By pairing an artificial stimulus with a natural one—such as ringing a bell when the food appears—the dog associates the two. Ring the bell; the dog salivates. (Pavlov was smart enough not to use a cat; cats, like humans, are too independent.)

Operant conditioning, commonly referred to today as behaviorism is concerned with how an action may be controlled … >>>

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Are Parenting and Teaching Really Different Today?

On July 2, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

The nature of childhood has dramatically changed in the last few generations. Young people spend time in front of the television, a passive activity that robs them of playtime and imagination. Hours are also spent in front of computers. These types of activities—relying on technology—are often lone activities in that people generally engage in them by themselves. As a result, learning about personal relationship skills and developing social intelligences are largely ignored. In contrast to former generations, young people today are more independent, more anxious, more impulsive, more disruptive, and more disobedient. To many parents, youth today seem like a real pain.

Although the young today are different, they aren’t worse.

Current generations are not like any other in history. … >>>

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“Never Say No” Lyrics for Parents

On June 28, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

During my seminars I show a cartoon illustrating two young children raking leaves. The mother is saying to her neighbor that she told her children they could not rake the leaves. The humorous cartoon points out that if you tell kids not to do something, they want to do it.

I recently saw a stage production of the musical The Fantastics. One of the songs had the following lyrics, which makes the same point:

———-

Dogs got to bark, a mule’s got to bray.
Soldiers must fight and preachers must pray
And children, I guess, must get their own way
The minute that you say no.

Why did the kids pour jam on the cat?
Raspberry jam all over … >>>

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To Make Parenting Easier, Remove Assumptions

On June 25, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Some of the decisions we make as parents are based on inaccurate assumptions. We may know exactly what we are thinking and what we mean, but the child may have a completely different perspective. Consider these two examples:

A father is walking through the forest with his three-year old daughter. As they are walking, he repeatedly tells her to stay on the path. The little girl is walking all around. She looks at a tree, then a bush, and meanders here and there. The father continually says, “Stay on the path. I told you to stay on the path.” Eventually, he gets so angry with her that he pulls her over, shakes her a bit, and shouts, “I told you

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Discipline and Theatre of the Mind

On June 24, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

The “theatre of the mind” is very successful for facilitating vivid mental pictures in many areas—including discipline.

This type of visual mental rehearsal has become a key strategy in the field of sports psychology. Rehearsing what one had previously visualized is not only stress-reducing, but it also significantly assists in focusing on the task at hand. This is the reason why so many professional athletes state that their success comes in large part from their ability to concentrate.

In relation to discipline, when young people focus on responsible behavior by visualizing appropriate behavior and rehearsing it in their “theatre of the mind,” they find it easier to manage irresponsible impulses and … >>>

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Mindsets and Discipline

On June 22, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

How one views a situation has a significant effect on how one understands the situation. Our viewpoints are determined by our experiences and our thinking. This explains how different people can view the same discipline problem differently. We see through different lenses.

I attempted to explain this in the opening paragraph of my education book. Here is the opening paragraph:

“Life is a conversation. Interestingly, the most influential person we talk with all day is ourself, and what we tell ourself has a direct bearing on our behavior, our performance, and our influence on others. In fact, a good case can be made that our self-talk creates our reality.” After writing this, I became more acutely aware of my … >>>

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Discipline vs. Chaos in the Classroom

On June 21, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Disruptive discipline problems in public school classrooms are increasing across the country.

In St. Louis last week, a high school teacher and a 16-year-old girl created chaos in the classroom. The video showed the student standing up, cursing the teacher, and ready to leave the classroom. Apparently, the incident pushed the teacher over the edge, prompting him to be very abusive to the teenager.

There is no doubt that kids today are acting differently than they did a generation ago. We can easily articulate a number of factors as to why—but none will solve the problem.

In Los Angeles the school board recently passed a resolution amounting to giving students … >>>

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Motivating is a Better Discipline Strategy than Telling

On June 20, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

One of the traditional and ineffective discipline techniques is to lecture or tell a youngster what to do. Even though the intent of telling a child is worthwhile, the actual telling is perceived as an attempt to control. Telling creates defensiveness and a tendency to resist, and it does not engender desire. In other words, it does nothing to reduce discipline problems because it fails to motivate the child to want to change.

The only way that you can “motivate” another person—whether spouse or partner, child, friend, or employee—is to provide an environment by which that person wants to change. This is especially the case when it comes to a lasting change in behavior.

Reflect on the story that originated … >>>

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How Kinesics Affects Discipline

On June 18, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

When you’re communicating with a youngster, especially when in a discipline situation, how you ask reflective questions as well as your tone of voice are important. But did you know that your kinesics are equally vital?

What is kinesics and how does it affect discipline and communication? Basically, kinesics is non-verbal body language. It’s all the gestures, facial expressions, movements, and posture you use while you communicate.

If you are checking for understanding with a frowning face, arms folded, body stiff, and eyes glaring while asking, “What level is that?” you are sending a very clear coercive message. However, if you ask the same question with a slight smile, arm extended with the palm up, body slightly forward, and eyes … >>>

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A Powerful Phrase for Effectiveness

On June 17, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Some people’s ego deprives them of the benefit that comes from one of the most powerful approaches ever devised: asking for help.

We see this play out every day, such as when someone refuses to ask for directions, fails to accept assistance on a project, or prefers to struggle through a situation alone.

One of the most powerful phrases in all of life is “I wonder if you could help me with something….” This phrase breaks down barriers. In sales, it turns icy gatekeepers into warm and friendly allies. It turns busy and mighty executives into unhurried conversationalists happy to share their secrets and contacts.

Why does such a simple phrase … >>>

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Positivity Wins a Softball Game

On June 14, 2013 / Effectiveness

Ron Karr is the incoming president of the National Speakers Association (2013-2014). He related the following story to me that involved his daughter, Amanda, whose softball team had a very unsatisfying experience.

Amanda and her team were playing for the league championship. The team lost 18 to 0.

The following year, the team again went to the finals, only to meet the same rivals that had devastated them the previous year. The team’s coach knew that Ron was a motivational speaker and asked him to say a few words of inspiration to the team before the game started.

Ron’s charge to the players was to think of what they wanted, … >>>

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Tired of Discipline? Give the Raise Responsibility System a Try

On June 13, 2013 / Effectiveness, Responsibility

Parents often ask me what the Raise Responsibility System is all about. While this website has much information about the system, here are a few key points to help explain it:

As the name states, the Raise Responsibility System aims at promoting responsibility. This is in contrast to approaches that aim at fostering obedience. When parents aim toward obedience with young people today, they often get resistance, resentment, and even rebellion. The result is stress for both parent and child. As children grow, the more we try to force obedience the more they resist. However, when responsibility is promoted, obedience becomes a natural by-product.

The Raise Responsibility System is proactive rather than reactive. Instead of waiting until an

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Carrots Are More Effective than Sticks

On June 10, 2013 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Edward Deci, Professor of Psychology at the University of Rochester and director of its human motivation program, has been studying human motivation for years. The following is adapted from the July/August 2013 issue of Scientific American Mind, page 18.

It’s pretty well accepted that punishment is NOT a great motivator. But there is still some debate about whether “tangible” carrots such as bonuses and prizes also truly inspire.

However, one carrot that nearly always works, according to a large meta-analysis by Dr. Deci and his colleagues, is positive feedback.

Positive feedback is something that feels good to anyone who’s getting it. This simply means supporting someone’s sense of competence. When people … >>>

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Work Smarter; Discipline Less

On June 6, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

All parents want their children to take initiative and perform certain tasks around the home. Whether it’s taking out the trash, feeding the dog, or setting the table, there are household chores that are appropriate for every age group. When children don’t take on the requested responsibilities (or don’t do them satisfactorily), many parents resort to discipline measures as a way to “motivate” the child to do the task. But this approach creates stress for both the parent and the child. A better approach is to work smarter with your child. When you do, you’ll find that you actually discipline less. Here are some tips.

Once a task has been performed, the objective should be to focus on progress—rather than

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Changing Others Or Oursevles

On May 31, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

This is an old story about the U.S.S. Enterprise. One evening while traveling along the Eastern seaboard, the captain saw a light in front of them and thought they were going to collide with the other ship. So the Enterprise sent a signal for the other ship to travel in a different direction. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise and you are on our course. Please go south.”

A message came back, “We cannot move.”

A second message was sent. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not move, we will collide.”

Another message came back. “Sorry, we will and cannot move.”

A last message was sent. “We are the mighty … >>>

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Use Contingencies, not Consequences, to Discipline

On May 30, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness

Although consequences can be either positive or negative, when parents refer to “consequences” for discipline purposes, these are often in terms of threats or punishments that are imposed. Using an imposed consequence to discipline only works when a young person finds value in the relationship or when the person sees value in what he is being asked to do. Otherwise, people perceive an imposed consequence in negative terms because of the inference, “Do this—or else!” It threatens pain or discomfort should the young person fail to comply with the demand.

Such is the case when the adult says, “If you continue to do that, then this is what is going to happen to you.” Additionally, telling a youngster, “You … >>>

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