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The One Word Teachers and Parents Should Avoid

On August 17, 2012 / Effectiveness

Be cautious of “Why?” questions. Asking, “Why?” is one of the most frequently used and ineffective questions. It not only has an accusatory overtone, but it also blocks communications because it prompts negative feelings. Let’s prove the point. Say the following question aloud so you can hear yourself:

“Why are you doing that?”

Notice that when you asked this question, your voice pitch rose higher and your volume increased. Also, notice the effect on your emotions when you asked, this “Why?” question.

Now, say the following aloud so you can hear yourself:

“What do you think we should do now?”

Notice that the emotional aspect was reduced because the aim was toward a resolution rather than on the cause. The … >>>

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Practice Isn’t Just for Youth

On August 14, 2012 / Learning

Next week, school starts in our area. As a parent, I’m looking forward to going back to the familiar school-day routine. This year, though, it will be a little different. School will be starting a half hour earlier, which means everyone—including mom and dad—will have to wake up earlier, learn a new morning routine, and be out the door sooner than we’ve had to for the past three years.

While a half hour may not seem like much, when that half hour falls before sunrise (and when you’re trying to get a first-grader and preschooler out of bed) a half hour is a big deal. To make it easier on the first day of school, our family has been using … >>>

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Intrinsic Motivation

On August 14, 2012 / Learning

“Discipline and Parenting without Stress” is so successful because it is based on intrinsic motivation.

The validity of intrinsic motivation was highlighted, yet again, in a recent Parade Magazine article by Anne Murphy Paul, in which the following question was posed:

“Your son just started music lessons. To motivate himself to practice, he should:
(a) Promise himself a favorite video game if he completes his practice schedule.
(b) Choose pieces of music that he enjoys playing.

Answer: (b) As fun as that game sounds, research demonstrates we’re most engaged in learning when our motivation is intrinsic—stemming from the task itself rather than some external reward.

Every study on motivation demonstrates this truth. Yet, somehow, much of education and parenting … >>>

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Learning and Embarrassment

On August 1, 2012 / Learning

It is challenging for many people to separate themselves from what others may think about them. This is especially the case when it comes to learning.

Generally, people are not embarrassed to make mistakes when learning a musical instrument. We don’t give up when we play a wrong note on the piano—or in my case the Great Highland Bagpipes.

The same holds true in athletics. We don’t stop playing baseball when we strike out at bat, and we don’t stop shooting basketballs at the hoop when we miss it.

When it comes to mental learning, in contrast to kinesthetic or psychomotor learning, why is it that so many people would rather not engage in the process than make … >>>

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Reflection and Honesty

On July 30, 2012 / Learning

Dan Ariely has written a very interesting book entitled, “The Honest Truth About Dishonesty: How to Lie to Everyone—Especially Ourselves.” The book attempts to explain how people balance the two forces of being honest and the desire to benefit from dishonesty.

Among his conclusions is that people believe that if they cheat just a little, then they still consider themselves as being honest. For example, if pencils are taken home from the office, that’s O.K., but taking petty cash can’t be justified.

In a setting where free food is available for a private party, it is hard to be the first person who was not invited to the party to partake in some of the free food. However, as … >>>

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Learning and Technology

On July 27, 2012 / Learning

One of the beautiful aspects of being human is that we have the opportunity to continually learn. Unlike turtles, for example, who are born with everything they need to survive, our nature allows us to continually learn. To me, this is one of the joys of life.

In our technological age, learning is tantamount to being a part of modern society. How we take to technological learning is a reflection of our psychological approach. An external psychological approach can easily lead to victim-like feelings. In contrast, if you believe in an internal psychological approach—that regardless of the stimulation, situation, or urge—you have the ability to choose your response, then you are not a victim. The reason is that you control … >>>

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Bamboo Allergy

On July 25, 2012 / Learning

Our daughter gave me a Father’s Day gift “for the man who has everything.”

The toothpicks are harder than the ones I usually use, and I was delighted with them. I used them after breakfast, lunch, and dinner. It never dawned on me that when I broke out in hives, which led to a rash, which inflamed into dermatitis that the cause could be an allergic reaction to my new toothpicks.

I saw a number of experts—allergy specialists, dermatologists, and other medical doctors—none of whom could find the cause.

I searched the Internet for answers. One medical doctor had even asked, “Do you believe in the Web or in your medical practitioner? (The answer, of course, is “Why not use … >>>

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Questions for Risk-Taking

On July 20, 2012 / Learning

A close relative of mine asked my counsel regarding a new job she had just accepted. Two of her friends had suggested that she not take the job—that it was too risky and that she may not succeed.

I asked her, “What’s the worst thing that can happen?”

She responded, “I could get fired.”

I asked, “Can you live with that?

She said, “Yes.”

I suggested that with the risk comes the reward and that if she stays positive and continues to reflect before she makes choices, she will succeed. However, if for some reason, she doesn’t, her life experiences will have been enhanced. Either way, she wins by taking the position.… >>>

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Learning, the Brain, and Technology

On July 18, 2012 / Learning

Technology is affecting our brains. It is controlling and enslaving those who have become addicted to ultra smart devices and virtual social networking.

People are drawn into the technology by the potential of short-term rewards. Every contact offers the potential for a social, sexual, or professional opportunity. The mini-reward is like a squirt of dopamine for answering the Pavlov bell.

There is no doubt that many are becoming impulsive.

A recent study at Case Western Reserve University correlated heavy texting and social media use with stress, depression, and suicidal thinking—especially among adolescents.

These depressed youth were the most intense web users, spending more hours on e-mail, chats, video games, and file sharing. They also opened, closed, and switched browser windows … >>>

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Cooperation rather than Coercion

On July 13, 2012 / Effectiveness

No Ordinary Time – Franklin and Eleanor Roosevelt: The Home Front in World War II by Doris Kearns Goodwin is a wonderful historical read.

FDR’s mobilization of the United States in helping the Allies and preparing the United States for war before our entry into World War II was a tremendous challenge. How did he bring industry and labor together? How did he convince industry to change their product from civilian goods to armaments?

The answer is articulated on page 55, “Roosevelt’s stress on cooperation rather than coercion.”

FDR knew what influential leaders know, namely, that the art of influence is to induce a person to influence himself. Coercion never accomplishes this.

As Benjamin Franklin said to King George … >>>

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Learning, Reading, and Hearing

On July 11, 2012 / Learning

“The proper frame of mine,” being charged with a “mister meaner,” referring to an “Ivory League School,” complaining that a roommate was from “another dementian,” the school was in “secession year round,” “taken for granite,” and becoming “pregnant on that fetal night” were just a few of James Courter’s examples in his July 10 article of The Wall Street Journal.

Courter had recently retired from teaching composition to college freshman. His charge is that today’s young people don’t read. As a result, they sometimes have hilarious notions of how the written language represents what they hear.

We can only imagine what the English language writings will look like generations from now when … >>>

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Disadvantages of Punishments and Rewards

On July 9, 2012 / Learning, Parenting

I received an e-mail stating, ” I Googled ‘disadvantages of punishment and rewards’ and found your website.”

My website was the 28th website listed on Google. Needless to say, I was grateful for the person’s finding me and subscribing to my free, monthly newsletter, “Promoting Responsibility & Learning.”

In the future, there will be more and more sites devoted to the disadvantages of using punishments and rewards for teaching and parenting. The reason is that the more these external approaches are used, the more obvious they are seen as being coercive and ineffective in changing people’s long-term motivation.

Rewards ask, “What will I get for doing it?” and punishments ask, “What will you do to me if I don’t?” These … >>>

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Brain Myths

On July 6, 2012 / Learning

Knowledge about the brain has significantly increased in the last few years. Here are four myths about the brain and learning, each followed by a statement that reflects new findings.

1. You can’t change your brain.
The brain is constantly changing in response to thoughts and experiences. Changing our thinking and changing the way we behave induces changes in the brain.

2. We lose thousands of neurons every day.
Assuming that the brain remains healthy and disease free, the brain loses relatively few neurons with age.

3. The brain doesn’t make new brain cells.
Certain areas of the brain—such as the hippocampus and olfactory bulbs (the scent processing center)—regularly generate new neurons. And, as mentioned above, every time the … >>>

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Third Culture Korean Kids

On July 2, 2012 / Learning, Relationships

I received the following e-mail:

“I am doing a thesis on Third Culture Korean kids (graduate paper) as a requirement for my Master in TESOL/Adult Literacy. I would love to be in touch with you in order to gather some information from you. NO PRESSURE. I am merely asking this as a favor since you seem to have a grasp on this subject. Thank you ever so kindly.”

Of course, I responded that I would help in any way I could.

I made nine (9) presentations in South Korea and am familiar with “third culture Kids.” These are young people who were born to parents of one nationality and whose parents have taken positions in other than their native country.… >>>

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Rewarding Can Backfire

On June 29, 2012 / Discipline, Learning

It is counterproductive to give tangible rewards to young people for doing things that they should be doing.

This belief was reinforced by the following e-mail I received from someone who had just subscribed to my free monthly newsletter, Promoting Responsibility & Learning.

“I found out about you from another teacher who told me about your website. I called and got info on the phone about signing up for the newsletter. I also ordered your book from Amazon.

“I had a situation this year that I did not know how to deal with. I had a very bright class who were lazy. Usually I am a very motivational teacher and do not use bribes. However, this class had … >>>

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Bullying, the Bus Driver, and Punishments

On June 24, 2012 / Discipline

Karen Klein, the bus supervisor in Greece, New York has recently been in the headlines since a student videoed her being bullied by some middle school students and then posted it on the Internet. The video went viral.

The media has been clamoring for the involved students to be punished.

What form should the punishment take? The usual approach is to have punishment imposed. In this way discipline standards will be maintained. However, a more effect approach is to ELICIT the punishment. Having the person or people involved will have them committed to responsible behavior. The reason is that when punishment is imposed, future motivation will be based on fear. Having young people committed to responsible behavior is far … >>>

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