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You See What You Expect

On October 30, 2010   /   Relationships  

Parents, teachers—really anyone— find what they expect.

A man pulled into a gas station on the outskirts of town. As he filled his tank, he remarked to the attendant, “I’ve just accepted a job in town. I’ve never been to this part of the country. What are people like here?

“What are people like where you came from?” the attendant asked.

“Not so nice,” the man replied. “In fact, they can be quite rude.”

The attendant shook his head. “Well, I’m afraid you’ll find the people in this town to be the same way.”

Just then another car pulled into the station. “Excuse me,” the driver called out. “I’m on my way into town. I’m just moving to the area. … >>>

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A Professor’s Comment for Teachers and Parents

On October 29, 2010   /   Learning  

I have taken the liberty to share a comment about the discipline and education book and my home website. The book and staff development material are available free for any school in the USA that desires to use the totally noncoercive —but not permissive—approach. Applications are available at the DisciplineWithout Stress, Inc. website.

“Marv Marshall makes a compelling argument that stress, punishment, and rewards are counterproductive in raising or teaching children. At best they merely create temporary compliance. More likely, they corrode relationships, deter risk-taking, overlook the underlying causes of behavior, and subvert the learning process. Marshall points the way to successful strategies such as reframing perceptions and initiating specific intervention techniques. Parents, teachers, and principals should read … >>>

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How to Handle Resistance with a Youngster

On October 28, 2010   /   Parenting  

PARENTING QUESTION:

When I tried to have my 6-year old leave a public swimming pool, she resisted to the point of almost making a scene. Not wanting to create a disturbance, as embarrassed as I was I resorted to having the lifeguard assist in my endeavors. I immediately thought of you and wondered how you would have handled this discipline situation. Any suggestions?

RESPONSE:

Children mature when they begin to realize that other people’s interests are also involved in their decisions. Having a youngster become aware of this is one of the most important charges a parent has.

If I were in that situation, I would ask my daughter, “Do you want to go swimming in the future?” This … >>>

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For Good Communications, Ask for Clarification

On October 27, 2010   /   Relationships  

A short story about communications:

When the proud owner arrived at the vet to pick up his AKC (American Kennel Club) registered champion show dog, he noticed that the bill seemed awfully high for a bath and flea spray. So he mentioned that $100 seemed pretty pricey. That’s when he discovered his dog hadn’t been sprayed; it was spayed. The lawsuit that followed basically rendered the vet financially neutered.

The lesson in the story is to be sure that all those engaged in the discussion have the same meaning for what is being said. I was recently in a conversation where I totally misunderstood what my friend had said. Fortunately, I had resorted to my usual procedure: I asked for … >>>

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Living a Balanced Life

On October 26, 2010   /   Effectiveness  

Perhaps one of the biggest challenges most of us face is knowing how to live a balanced life within a 24-hour day. To do so requires some discipline.

Between our employment, learning to improve our skills, inundation from the media, the attraction of the Internet including e-mail and blogs, so many good books to read, wanting to get enough sleep, maintaining social relationships, and the list goes on and on, balancing life is a challenge. How do we do it? It is no wonder that seminars on time management, books on simplification, and even garage and even closet organizers for all the “stuff” we accumulate are selling so well.

One way to become more effective is to evaluate how we … >>>

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Self-Esteem and Self-Acceptance

On October 25, 2010   /   Responsibility  

Many people are searching for acceptance outside of themselves when they haven’t yet learned to accept themselves. Self- acceptance means being O.K. with WHO you are and WHERE you are. It means being kind to yourself even when you make mistakes, fail, or do really stupid things. It requires developing some self-discipline and should be a parenting priority.

Self-acceptance is a close relative to self-esteem. It is difficult to have one without the other, and, if you have one, you will tend to have the other.

There may be many reasons why people have low self-acceptance but most fall into one or more of the following areas: a perceived desire to be perfect, a focus on imperfections rather than … >>>

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Covey, Glasser, Deming and the Raise Responsibilty System

On October 24, 2010   /   Discipline  

Numerous people have contacted me requesting permission to duplicate the discipline, parenting, and learning, “RAISE RESPONSIBILITY SYSTEM.” They wanted to reproduce materials from the book and desired permission to do so. I informed them that they have permission to duplicate anything and everything from my home website.

The system uses the approaches of Stephen Covey (being proactive), William Glasser (noncoercion and responsibility), and W. Edwards Deming (empowerment, collaboration, and quality).

I am a strong believer that “the more you give the more you get.” Since I desire others to enjoy classroom teaching as much as I have (with very few discipline challenges), I not only gave permission but also assisted them in … >>>

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Parenting and Schoolwork

On October 23, 2010   /   Parenting  

QUESTION:

My son’s attitude about school is that he only wants to get by with the minimum. He’ll do his homework, and then doesn’t bother to hand it in. His teachers say he’s intelligent, but he’s failing three classes. Last year he had the same problem, failing two classes.

RESPONSE:

From other statements you have related to me, you are trying to control him. His not doing what you tell him to do gives HIM control. It is his way of exercising power. He won’t change if you keep telling him what to do—if you keep evaluating and advising him.

William Glasser, M.D., in his  book, “UNHAPPY TEENAGERS – A Way for Parents and Teachers to Reach Them” shares … >>>

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Undoing the Past

On October 22, 2010   /   Parenting  

Do you know anyone who can undo the past?

When people do something wrong and you tell them that they made a mistake (and then proceed to tell what should have been done), the person will resent it—even if you are right.

The reasons are simple. You come across as a grouch, and the other person suffers a loss of  dignity. People can’t do anything about a mistake that has already been made. They no longer have control over a situation in the past—and no one enjoys not being in control.

Telling people what should have been done has no constructive value; the past can’t be undone. But people can  LEARN from the past. When others make mistakes, share suggestions … >>>

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Listening

On October 21, 2010   /   Relationships  

Listening is the single most important of all communications skills. It is more important than stirring oratory, more important than a powerful voice, more important than the ability to speak multiple languages—more important than a flair for the written word.

Good listening is truly where effective communications and relationships begin. It’s surprising how few people really listen well. Those who do are the ones who have learned the SKILL of listening.

The simple truth of the matter is that people love being listened to. It’s true in the business world. It’s true at home. It’s true of just about everyone we come across in life.

Dale Carnegie wrote that the secret of influencing people lies not so much in being … >>>

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A Coercive vs. a Noncoercive Approach

On October 18, 2010   /   Effectiveness, Relationships  

Jim Cathcart (author of RELATIONSHIP SELLING and the ACORN PRINCIPLE and a sought-after international speaker) relates how he worked in the mountains in Arkansas repossessing vehicles when payments were not made on the loan.

Needless to say, he and what he was about to do, were not welcomed by the mountain men. As Jim was about to be ushered off the property, he would say, “OK, I’m leaving.” Then he added, “But look out for the guy who comes next time.”

“What do you mean?” would be the response. Jim then would describe that since he was not successful in getting any money towards the payment of the loan, the guy who would come collecting next was twice his size, … >>>

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Hobson’s Choice

On October 16, 2010   /   Effectiveness, Parenting  

A man drove on a long and lonely unpaved road in Arizona on his way to watch Hopi Indian ceremonial dances. Afterwards, he returned to his car only to find that it had a flat tire. He replaced it with the spare and drove to the only service station on the Hopi reservation.

As he stepped out of his car, he heard the hissing of another tire going flat.

“Do you fix flats?” he inquired of the attendant.

“Yes,” came the answer.

“How much do you charge?” he asked.

With a twinkle in his eye, the man replied, “What difference does it make?”

This is what is called a “Hobson’s Choice,” named after Thomas Hobson (1544-1631) of Cambridge, England. Hobson … >>>

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Testimonial and Book Editor Recommendation-Kathy Miller

On October 12, 2010   /   Discipline, Parenting  

Kathy Collard Miller introduced me to Brookes Nohlgren who edited both my education book and my parenting book. Kathy wrote the following to me after hearing me present.

“I can’t wait to recommend Marvin Marshall’s book at my parenting classes and seminars. He gives practical knowledge that inspires us to think in new effective ways. I’m already using his principles in my personal relationships.”

 

Kathy Collard Miller, Professional Speaker and Seminar Leader and

Author of WHEN COUNTING TO TEN ISN’T ENOUGH… >>>

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Over-Responsibility

On October 6, 2010   /   Responsibility  

QUESTION:

I am a recipient of your “Promoting Responsibility” newsletter, and I would like to pose a question.

I believe in responsibility; however, my problem is feeling OVER-RESPONSIBLE for many things which shouldn’t be my responsibility. However, fearing that I may be looking for excuses not to do something, I take the blame for things that aren’t really my fault or shoulder tasks that I shouldn’t be doing.

Where is the path and method of knowing the difference of knowing when it is my duty and when I should impose the responsibility or blame on others?

My other problem is related to that of being responsible, I have become independent, not trying to look to others to blame or solve … >>>

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How to Improve Situations

On September 23, 2010   /   Relationships  

If you look around at your family and friends, you will see that the happiest people are the ones who don’t pretend to know what’s right for others and don’t try to control anyone but themselves.

You will further see that the people who are most miserable are those who are always trying to control others. Even if they have a lot of power, the constant resistance in some form by the weaker people they are trying to control, deprives them of happiness.

If you try to control a friend, the friendship will be short-lived. Yet, sometimes we try to control those who are most dear to us. If we don’t use a controlling approach with friends because it would … >>>

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Enriching Life

On September 17, 2010   /   Effectiveness  

I’m intrigued when I see two people engaged in similar tasks but provide different responses to helping others.

One bank teller smiles and says, “Hello, how can I help you?” Another says, “Next!”

One bank teller says, “I don’t have any two-dollar bills.” (I use two-dollar bills for tipping skycaps and bellmen.) Another says, “Although I don’t have any two-dollar bills, if you can wait a moment I’ll see if I can obtain some for you.”

One teller, working in a bank adjacent to a senior retirement community, sees an older person approaching and says to the visiting supervisor, “See how grumpy these old people are?” An adjacent teller waits patiently for the elderly senior citizen to approach her window … >>>

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Victimization

On September 8, 2010   /   Responsibility  

Avoid the victimization mentality for yourself—and for others.  Victim type thinking is toxic and disempowering. Empowerment is so much more effective. And even if it were not, you would still be happier in an empowerment mode than in a victimhood mode.

Believing that learning is prohibited because students come from unstructured homes, from poverty, or have some other situation that cannot be changed is a mindset of victimhood thinking. Certainly, some home situations diminish optimum learning, but they do not prevent learning.

Regardless of the situation, people can be taught that they can be masters of their fate, that they can be victors rather than victims. Students can be taught that they have the power to choose to learn or … >>>

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To See in New York City

On September 2, 2010   /   Learning  

For those of you who travel to New york City (the Big Apple) and would like something out of the ordinary, following are two suggestions not found in many guidebooks.

Henry Clay Frick was the coke magnate who joined forces with Andrew Carnegie, the world’s largest steel maker in the late nineteenth and early twentieth century. Coke (the coal type) is necessary for the manufacture of steel. Frick was an early art collector, and his acreage in Pittsburgh now houses not only his mansion but a wonderful museum.

When he become more involved in finance, Frick built a second mansion in Manhattan (70th Street at 5th Avenue), just east of Central Park. The “Frick Collection,” in this majestic marble structure, … >>>

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