Parenting

Help Children Avoid the Victim Trap

On March 15, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Although there are things in life that are out of our control, it is how we perceive them that is critical. This understanding is not new; it’s just not common. Centuries ago, the Greek philosopher Epictetus (55-135) proposed that we are disturbed not by events but by the views we take of them. In other words, it is not the event itself that is the problem; it is our perception of the event that creates our suffering. Is it a problem or a challenge? “Victimhood thinking” is a perception and the opposite of choice-response thinking.

Besides creating unhappiness, victimhood thinking is also counterproductive to developing responsibility. A cartoon shows a young boy explaining his report card to his parents, as … >>>

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Young People and the Japanese Carp

On March 12, 2013 / Learning, Parenting

The Japanese carp fish, also known as koi, has seemingly unlimited growth potential. If you put a koi in a small fish bowl, it will grow to only two or three inches long. In an average aquarium it will reach six to ten inches. In a pond, it can grow to be a foot and a half. And if the koi is placed in a lake, where it can really stretch out, it can grow up to three feet long. The size of the fish is proportional to the size of its home.

It works this way with young people, too. They grow according to how we treat them—not physically, of course, but intellectually, psychologically, and emotionally. Traditional discipline approaches … >>>

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Develop a Listening Attitude

On March 11, 2013 / Parenting, Relationships

If you want to increase your effectiveness with others, you need to develop a “listening attitude.” In fact, your listening attitude is more important than anything you say in response to someone. Your attitude of respect and understanding is more important than your ability to formulate brilliant responses, as the following slightly abridged thought by Ralph Roughton, M.D., illustrates:

When I ask you to listen to me, and you start giving me advice, you have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way, you are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me, and you feel you have to

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Make Clean Up Time Fun

On March 8, 2013 / Parenting

Anyone with young children knows that they love to take all their toys out when they play. Of course, someone has to clean up the toys, and that’s when the stress begins. While children do enjoy taking the toys off the shelves and out of toy boxes, they often have to be asked (multiple times) to clean up after themselves. After a few ignored requests, it’s common for parents to get frustrated and resort to ineffective discipline techniques, such as offering a reward for cleaning up, threatening punishment if the room remains messy, or nagging and lecturing until the task is done.

A better approach, and the one promoted in Parenting Without Stress, is to make a game out … >>>

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Sibling Rivalry

On March 7, 2013 / Parenting

Sibling rivalry is so old a situation that it is one of the first stories related in Genesis, the first book of the Bible. Cain and Able were the two sons of Adam and Eve. In the story, Cain is a crop farmer and his younger brother, Abel, is a shepherd. According to the narrative, Cain, out of jealousy, eventually killed Abel.

On a lighter note, one of my favorite cartoons shows two very elderly men, one pushing another in a wheelchair. The men are arguing about which parent loved him more.

In a matter of speaking, all children have different parents because they see their parents through their own experiences, thoughts, and feelings. The conversation usually revolves around each … >>>

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Key Problems with Using Imposed Punishments as Discipline

On February 20, 2013 / Discipline, Parenting, Responsibility

A common myth is that using imposed punishments as discipline is necessary to change young people’s behavior. In reality, disciplining by imposing a punishment comes out of the adult’s desire to control. When the desire is to raise responsible citizens, teaching and guidance prevail.

Despite succeeding in stopping irresponsible behavior in some cases, imposed punishments are ineffective with far too many young people as a disciplinary method. Imposed punishments also fail to help children make lasting changes in their behavior.

The problems with using imposed punishments as discipline are that they:

Are temporary
Are adult-dependent rather than self-dependent
Are inconsistently applied
Are based on avoidance
Lose their effectiveness over time
Do nothing to help a young person learn to modify

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Weaning Off Rewards to Promote Responsibility

On February 1, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

So many parents and teachers believe that it is necessary to give young people a reward for doing the right thing that it is a challenging endeavor to stop the practice. But rewards don’t promote responsibility, which is why they need to stop.

A parent asked how to wean her child off the rewards system. Here is what she wrote:

How do I wean my five-year-old son from expecting rewards? He’ll make his bed, straighten all his shoes, and hang up his clothes, all without being asked, and then he comes running up to me with a smiling face and says, “NOW can I have something?” Oh, boy! Have I turned his taking responsibility into a reward? Do I then

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Simple Techniques for Dealing with Sibling Squabbles

On January 30, 2013 / Discipline, Parenting

Positive sibling relationships can be a source of strength for life, whereas unresolved early conflicts can create wounds that never quite heal. Parents need not intervene in every quarrel. However, parents should obviously intervene whenever an argument turns violent or threatens to do so.

For example, when an older child is hitting his baby sister, the parent intervenes immediately and makes it clear that hurting others is not acceptable. The same is true for verbal abuse between siblings that leaves one or both angry or with negative feelings about the other. Establish guidelines, such as treating the word “hate” as a forbidden one and not allowing “shut up” between siblings. A “no hitting, no hurting” expectation can be established so … >>>

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Conflict Resolution that also Promotes Responsibility

On January 28, 2013 / Parenting, Responsibility

Conflicts between teenagers are inevitable. The key is being able to resolve the conflict in a way that promotes discipline and responsibility. Here’s an example of what one parent wrote in:

I have two sons, ages 13 and 15. They fight all the time. It’s not just a punch here and a shove there; it escalates to a down-and-out brawl! My older son tells me that I favor the younger. I try to be fair, but my older son likes to “pick, pick, pick” at the younger one. My younger son has a quick-fire temper; he just can’t ignore the “picking.” He retaliates. When they each tell me how a fight started, they both have a different story. Whom do

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Acknowledgments vs. Praise

On January 24, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting, Responsibility

Acknowledgments encourage and motivate. They serve to give recognition without the disadvantages of giving praise.

Praise has a price. It implies a lack of acceptance and worth when a youth does not behave as the adult wishes. Using a phrase that starts with “I like . . .” encourages a young person to behave IN ORDER TO PLEASE THE ADULT. By contrast, acknowledgments affirm while fostering self-satisfaction.

Notice the difference in the following examples:

“I am so pleased with the way you treated your brother,” versus “You treated your brother with real consideration.”
“I like the way you are working,” versus “Your working shows good effort.”
“I’m so proud of you for your grades,” versus “Your grades show you are

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Competition, Rewards, and Discipline

On January 23, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Human beings, especially of the male gender, are competitive. Competition is a natural part of our culture. Newspapers, magazines, and other media are full of information on business and sports, both based on competition and highlighting “winners” who receive rewards in some form.

No one can doubt the importance of rewards as motivators. However, as with anything in life, context is critical. Because competition and rewards spur performance, does that mean that competition is also best within a family? Is it wise for husbands and wives or siblings to compete? Or should they collaborate for the benefit of the family team?

The topic of reward comes up often in this blog. And as past posts explain, rewards can serve as … >>>

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Use Choices to Improve Relationships

On January 18, 2013 / Parenting, Relationships

Here is an important concept for all parents to remember regarding relationships: Not losing is more important than winning. Children’s desires will not always be fulfilled, but as long as they are aware that they have a choice as to their responses, they are not put in a position where they feel that they lose—which naturally prompts negative feelings.

No one likes being cornered, literally or figuratively. The belief of not having a choice encourages resistance because it prompts a feeling of being trapped. When a child is without options, the result is not only resistance but also resentment. By contrast, offering choices ensures that a child’s power and dignity are retained.

As a parent, you are choosing … >>>

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Discipline and Anger

On January 17, 2013 / Discipline, Effectiveness, Parenting

You can utilize three approaches to discipline yourself to handle anger. They are: (1) You can let the emotion express itself (and thereby become a victim of it); (2) You can inhibit it (and live with the stress); or (3) You can control it by redirecting your attention.

The most successful approach is the third alternative. Redirecting your thinking controls any emotion because emotion always follows cognition. Your self-talk or thinking—along with input from your senses (what you see, hear, taste, smell, or touch)—becomes your awareness. Therefore, redirecting your thoughts automatically controls your emotions because emotion follows your attention.

This is not new. My grandmother told my mother to clean the stove when she was angry. Of course, what … >>>

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Children Learn What They Live

On January 14, 2013 / Parenting

I came across this poem recently and thought the overall message fit nicely with the themes contained in the Discipline & Parenting Without Stress models.

Children Learn What They Live by Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn … >>>

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The Teen Brain Myth

On January 11, 2013 / Parenting

I often come across articles about how an incompletely developed brain accounts for the emotional problems and irresponsible behavior of teenagers. Is this true, or is it a myth?

It is true that teenagers, by virtue of their hormonal changes, are prone to be emotionally volatile, unpredictable, self-absorbed, and hypersensitive. However, the IMMATURE BRAIN that supposedly causes teen problems is nothing more than a myth. Most of the brain changes that are observed during the teen years lie on a continuum of changes that takes place over much of our lives.

In addition, some of these myths are based on studies of brain activity of teens as compared to adults. But snapshots of brain activities have nothing to do with … >>>

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Mind Your Thoughts for Character Development

On January 10, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

MIND YOUR THOUGHTS FOR CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT

Your thoughts turn into words.
Be careful of the words you use.

The words you use can prompt your actions.
Be careful of how you act.

Your actions can easily become your habits.
Be careful of your habits.

Your habits shape your values.
Be careful of your values.

Your values shape your character.

You are in large part the result of your
Thoughts, words, actions, habits, values, and character.… >>>

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Limited versus Unlimited Choices

On January 9, 2013 / Effectiveness, Parenting

Offering youngsters choices is a key part of Parenting Without Stress. The choices parents offer can be either “limited” or “unlimited.”

Limited choices allow the child to select from a restricted number of options offered by the parent, whereas in unlimited choices, the child is encouraged to come up with an option of his or her own. Generally, the younger the child, the more limited the choices. For example, “Do you want cereal or an egg for breakfast?” would be a limited choice, while “What do you want for breakfast?” would be unlimited and more appropriate as children mature. However, if the response to an unlimited question is not practical, the choices can again be limited.

In situations when … >>>

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Stress and Learning Theory

On January 3, 2013 / Effectiveness, Learning, Parenting

Stress may be silently sabotaging kids’ success in school.

A little stress is good. It heightens alertness and improves performance. But as stress exceeds a certain level, distress emerges and has a negative effect on both learning and performance.

Here are a few examples of how stress can turn into distress according to learning theory:
1. Continually speaking to kids in negative terms
2. Relying on rules and imposing punishments, rather than teaching procedures
3. Continually promoting obedience, rather than promoting responsibility
4. Using coercion, rather than encouragement, empowerment, and inspiration

Reflecting on how your communications effects teaching and learning can help reduce distress.… >>>

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