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STRESS MANAGEMENT for Living, Teaching, & Parenting

Relationships

A Simple Strategy for Dealing with Toxic People

On March 21, 2017 / Blog, Relationships

We all have experienced toxic people in our life. While toxic people may play to their advantage with us, we have a choice to play the victim or not. Be aware that this is a choice. By simply being aware of this, you are able to determine how far someone can go before he or she pushes your buttons. Maintaining an emotional distance requires awareness and is a key approach to reducing your stress.

Toxic people may attempt to consume you by having you swim in their problems. They really don’t want to see solutions. They are often comfortable in their unhappiness. They can waste your time by pressuring you to join their pity party. Don’t allow others to determine … >>>

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Dealing with Difficult People

On March 16, 2017 / Blog, Relationships

Dealing with difficult people is a part of life. The good news that these difficult people don’t have to control you or your emotions.

When you feel offended by someone’s words or deeds, consider viewing the situation in multiple ways. For example, I may be tempted to think that a co-worker is ignoring my messages, or I can consider the possibility that he has been very busy, has family problems, has heard bad news about his health, or simply that he may have a hearing loss. When we avoid personalizing other people’s behaviors, we can perceive their expressions more objectively.

Remember, people do what they do because of their situation, more often than because of us—or what we do. Resist … >>>

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Conflict Resolution that Really Works

On October 4, 2016 / Blog, Relationships

Conflict resolution is a skill everyone needs. Why? Because arguments are a natural part of life, even between best friends, close family members, and long-time co-workers. Realize that arguments are really just disagreements. So if you can find something to agree upon, you can engage in real conflict resolution.

Unfortunately, so many arguments focus on the past and attempt to blame by focusing on what and who should have done what. Even worse, when something goes wrong and you try to explain, the other person often interprets it as an excuse, which then extends the argument. The reason is that the other person thinks you are not being accountable. Rather than get defensive, ask yourself if what the person is … >>>

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5 Keys to Improve Relationships

On August 23, 2016 / Blog, Reduce Stress, Relationships

Most people want to improve relationships with those in their life. Unfortunately, relationships (whether with friends or family) are often a cause of stress for many. Whenever diverse personalities are involved, miscommunications and mishaps are bound to occur. If you’d like to improve relationships with others, here are 5 keys for getting along with anyone.

1) Focus on issues, not personalities.
Many people unknowingly use trigger words that can disable a conversation and may ultimately destroy a relationship. Such words as “dumb,” “stupid,” and “unprofessional” criticize the person, rather than the content of their ideas or specific actions. How many times have you said to someone, “That’s a dumb idea”? A better approach would be to cite alternatives to the … >>>

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Stress and Opposing Viewpoints

On August 2, 2016 / Blog, Relationships

We are in the midst of a major election year in the United States. Even though we still have three months until Election Day, I can already see the heated communications from people of all walks of life. And the one thing all these conversations have in common is stress. Because of the opposing viewpoints of the candidates and the population in general, discussions can quickly escalate. Friendships can be lost. And family members can pit against each other.

Even when you and other person have opposing viewpoints, you can have a civil conversation that does not involve stress, yelling, or strained relationships. The key is to accept the other person’s point of view.

Realize that accepting the opposing viewpoint … >>>

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The Best Approach for Solving Disputes

On July 12, 2016 / Blog, Relationships

One of the most successful approaches to solving disputes and reducing stress comes from the Native American aphorism: “Before we can truly understand another person, we must walk a mile in that person’s moccasins.” Before we can walk in another person’s moccasins, we must first take off our own. This means to perceive as with the other person’s eyes, hearing, mind, and spirit.

Misunderstandings between people cause much stress. That’s because one of the deepest desires of humans is to be understood. But how do you do it? The “Talking Stick” is one approach. One reason for its success in solving disputes and problems is that it uses something tangible. The “stick” can be a spoon, a stuffed animal, or … >>>

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How to Combat Negativity

On March 24, 2016 / Effectiveness, Relationships

A reader wrote, “I try to stay positive and think of things I can do when faced with a challenge. I’m finding that negativity is contagious and a select few can really bring me down, making it hard for me to stay positive. Do you have any suggestions for how to deal with the naysayers at school?”

My reply:

As you indicated, NEGATIVITY IS CONTAGIOUS. Combat it by being proactive. This is done by the simple truth that THE PERSON WHO ASKS THE QUESTION CONTROLS THE CONVERSATION.

Ask questions such as, “How is this conversation enhancing the enjoyment of our day?” “Is there anything else we could talk about so that we will leave feeling good rather than negative?”

Persevere! … >>>

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How to Have People Like You

On December 24, 2015 / Effectiveness, Relationships

One of my favorite books of all time is Dale Carnegie’s “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Originally published in 1936, the book went on to become one of the best-selling books of all time and made Carnegie an international celebrity.

His book was used as the text in my first college speech course. Every few years, I decide to reread it. I especially like how Carnegie expresses profound truths in simple but profound ways. A perfect example is his “Six Ways to Make People Like You”:

Principle 1. Become genuinely interested in other people.
Principle 2. Smile.
Principle 3. Remember that a person’s name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language. (NOTE:

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Strong Relationships Curb Discipline Problems

On December 10, 2015 / Discipline, Relationships

The brain and body are an integrated system. Feelings and cognition are interrelated and have a significant effect upon learning. If you are a parent, you know this. When your child returns home after the FIRST day of school, you may ask “How was school?” You also may ask, “What did you learn?” And you most certainly ask, “Do you like your teacher?”

We know from our personal experiences and through research on the workings of the brain that how we feel has a significant effect upon what and how we think and behave. Therefore, IMPROVING RELATIONSHIPS BETWEEN TEACHERS AND STUDENTS IS ONE OF THE MOST FUNDAMENTAL REFORMS THAT SCHOOLS CAN INITIATE. In fact, if you want to decrease discipline … >>>

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Smiles Prompt Good Feelings

On October 22, 2015 / Relationships

Studies suggest that smiling makes people appear more attractive, kinder, and by some accounts, easier to remember.

All smiles share something in common: an emotional foundation. Depending upon what the emotion is, the brain sends different instructions to the face. The areas in instigating a polite or voluntary smile (the kind exchanged with a bank teller, for example) are not the same ones involved in a more emotional smile (such as the kind that emerges on seeing a loved one or hearing a funny joke).

However, regardless of what prompts a smile, the results are the same. Both you and the recipient are prompted to have good feelings.… >>>

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Coercion and Feelings

On October 8, 2015 / Effectiveness, Relationships

Do you like when someone uses coercion or other approaches that prompt negative feelings in order to get you to do something? Of course not. So why, then, do so many adults use such approaches with young people?

The essence of the famed psychologist Jean Piaget’s hierarchy of cognitive development is that children’s brains develop at different ages but they—even infants—have similar feelings as adults. Young people experience negative feelings of pain, anger, and fear, all of which prompt resentment toward the person who prompted such feelings.

Sharing information and asking reflective questions, as outlined in the Discipline Without Stress methodology, do not carry the baggage of prompting negative emotions and resentments as coercion does.… >>>

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Make Students Feel Special

On September 10, 2015 / Relationships

Principals who desire to improve their schools, and teachers who want to improve their students’ academic achievements, need to keep in mind what psychologist Abraham Maslow conveyed years ago: People must FEEL cared for and cared about BEFORE they will take risks necessary to achieve.

Students too often receive messages in the form of words, gestures, actions, and bulletin board postings of achievements that convey to them that they must achieve well in order to be thought of as worthy.

Too many educators fail to realize that, with so many students, the foundation of success rests in human relations. This is especially the case with young students and students in poverty, where relationships are their most prized possessions.

At a … >>>

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Competition in Schools between Students

On July 9, 2015 / Learning, Relationships

Imagine the teacher standing in front of the class and asking a question. Six to ten children strain in their seats and with their hands in the teachers face, eager to be called on and show how smart they are. Several others sit quietly with eyes averted, trying to become invisible.

When the teacher calls on only one youngster, you can almost hear sounds of disappointment and can see looks of dismay on the faces of the eager students who missed a chance to get the teacher’s approval. You also see relief on the faces of the others who did not know the answer. The game is fiercely competitive and the stakes are high because the kids are competing for … >>>

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Belief and Discipline

On June 9, 2015 / Discipline, Relationships

All adults have the opportunity to influence children’s lives. And the greatest influence you can give is your belief in the young person. When children know that an adult in their life believes in them, their discipline issues will decrease.

When I was a teacher, a poster I had in my classroom read: “I would rather try and fail than not try and succeed.”

If you instill the PERCEPTION THAT SUCCESS IS ATTAINABLE, people will try and will have the self-discipline needed for success. If they do not believe success is possible, regardless of how easy the task or how smart the person, the goal will not be attained.

One of the most enduring comments people say about others who … >>>

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Prevent Student Dropout

On April 21, 2015 / Learning, Relationships

This country has a serious dropout problem. Every year, over 1.2 million students drop out of high school in the United States alone. That’s one student every 26 seconds, or 7,000 a day.

Not returning to school is not an event; it is a process. Show me a school dropout, and I’ll show you a young person who has not established positive relationships at school.

Many dropouts start negative self-talk early in their school careers. I submit that this negative approach has many causes—among which are (1) using competition (rather than collaboration) and (2) emphasizing what is wrong (rather than first pointing out positives and, thereby, fostering encouragement).

However, the desire to belong is so strong in young humans that … >>>

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Handling Interruptions

On March 12, 2015 / Effectiveness, Relationships

All teachers and parents have had children interrupt them while they are talking or doing something important. How you handle the interruption will prompt either positive or negative feelings in the child.

If someone interrupts you while you are working on something and have that mental momentum where you are in a state of flow, take just a moment to write down some key words that later will bring you back to your thought.

If the interruption is at a lower priority than what you are engaged in, here is how to diplomatically deflect the interruption without hurting the other person’s feelings. It is a four-step process.

Start with “I WANT TO . . . .” (1st part)
“I want … >>>

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Say “No” Positively

On February 26, 2015 / Relationships

In my books, speeches, and professional work, I always stress the importance of positivity. But sometimes you simply have to tell people “No,” even though it’s not a positive word. So how can you say “No” without actually saying “No”? Here’s a simple four-step process:

1. Acknowledge the importance of the request.
“I understand why that’s important to you.”

2. Inform the person that you have a problem with it.
“But I have a problem with it.”

3. Describe the problem as you see it.
“Your doing that would mean it would put a burden on everyone else.”

4. Elicit from the person something else.
“Let’s think of something that would be fair to everyone.”

By doing this, you’re saying … >>>

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Attentiveness Reduces Discipline Challenges

On January 20, 2015 / Effectiveness, Relationships

When people feel good about themselves, they naturally do better, produce more, and are just happier in life. So if you want to reduce discipline issues in your classroom and have a more enjoyable experience with youth, help people feel good, not bad.

An old story shows how this type of outlook affects the other person: A young lady was taken to dinner one evening by William Gladstone and then the following evening by Benjamin Disraeli, both eminent British statesmen in the late nineteenth century. “When I left the dining room after sitting next to Mr. Gladstone, I thought he was the cleverest man in England,” she said. “But after sitting next to Mr. Disraeli, I thought I was the … >>>

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