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Stress Management

Are You Reacting Reflectively or Reflexively?

On May 17, 2016 / Stress Management

One of the significant characteristics of the Discipline Without Stress approach has to do with acting reflectively versus reacting reflexively.

What’s the difference? Consider this example. You are at home and the telephone rings. You answer it.

Assume for a moment that you are NOT familiar with choice-response thinking. If I were to query you why you answered the phone, most of you would say—in one way or another—that the PHONE WAS A STIMULUS AND ANSWERING IT WAS THE RESPONSE.

Now, let’s assume that you are at home watching a television program that you had been looking forward to seeing. You are totally engaged in a scene and the phone rings. Would you disrupt your involvement in the program to … >>>

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Remaining unhappy

On May 15, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

Remaining unhappy is very easy. It even comes naturally. If you are in a funk, it is natural to be unhappy. But when you are in this state and do nothing about it, you are taking the easy way out. Is this in your own best interest?

Abraham Lincoln proclaimed, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” When unhappy or feeling sad, it is a shame to take the easy way out.

You can take the easy approach and remain in a funk, or you can choose to put forth effort. All you need to do to change your feelings is to redirect your thinking. The emotion (feelings) always follows thinking (cognition).

Never attempt … >>>

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Facing Adversity

On May 8, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

If you were born into a poor family without the means to send you to a desired university, you can’t go back and trade in your parents for a set of millionaires.

If you were born with a physical disability, you can’t trade in your body for a better model.

Remember, however, that the cards you are dealt are less important than the way you play your hand.

History books are full of success stories about people who faced adversity as a challenge.

I know this from my own life. Throughout my K-12 education, I stuttered so badly that I was afraid to open my mouth in public. When I did, I could feel my heart beating so badly that … >>>

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Listening, Caring, and the Story

On May 1, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

Listening and caring are prime sources of good relationships. They are so intertwined that if you experience one, you also experience the other.

If you ask yourself how you know someone cares for you, one of your responses is likely to be that you know because the person listens to you.

Ask a husband about a good wife, and he is likely to say that he knows his wife cares for him because she listens to what he has to say. Ask a wife about a good husband, and she’ll respond that he listens to her.

Even if we are saying something that is not really worth listening to, we still want someone to listen to us.

Ask a person … >>>

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A Dirty Sponge

On April 23, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management

The ghosts of what we erase on a computer remain deep within the system, electronically etched into the hard drive. Similarly, what goes into the human mind can remain to contaminate it or to enrich it.

The mind is like a sponge. If you soak a sponge in dirty water and squeeze it, dirty water will come out. Interestingly, if you then soak the sponge in clean water and squeeze, you will still get some dirty water because some of the dirt clings to the sponge.

Similarly, when you fill your mind with unhealthy or unproductive thinking, it penetrates beyond the conscious mind and into the subconscious. There it stays. The subconscious does not forget. The debris that comes into … >>>

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Counterwill

On April 16, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

“Counterwill” is the name for the natural human resistance to being controlled by someone else.

This instinctive resistance can take many forms—disobedience or defiance, procrastination, doing the opposite of what is expected, and lack of motivation. Counterwill is normal in toddlers, in young people of all ages, and most certainly in adults. It is such a universal phenomenon at certain stages of development that it has given rise to the term “rebellious twos” and “rebellious teens.”

The underlying dynamic of counterwill is deceptively simple: a defensive reaction to felt coercion. On a side note, the totally noncoercive (but not permissive) Discipline Without Stress Teaching Model totally bypasses counterwill.

Trying to deal with this dynamic by using coercion is a … >>>

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Manage the Conversation Rather than the Conflict

On April 3, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

Have ever had a conversation with an emotional person? If you have, you realized the futility. Regardless of age, when the other person is seeing red, is angry, or extremely emotional, trying to reason is fruitless.

The smart approach is to take a break. Suggest it. Set a time to return. It can be as short as two minutes. It’s as simple as saying, “I need a break. Excuse me; I’ll be back in two minutes.”

Then how do you handle the situation? The key is to remember that the person who asks the question controls the conversation. So put forth questions that prompt responses. Examples are:

“What do you suggest our next step to be?

“What do you suggest

… >>> READ MORE >>> →

Failure and Stress

On March 30, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all—in which case, you failed by default.

It is far better to try to do something and not reach your expectations than not try. The reason is that as you continue to try, you learn more about your strengths and limitations. Only then do the right choices become easier and more natural.

Without realizing it, failing to try something you would really like to do promotes negativity, a cousin of stress.

With the risk of trying comes the reward, which always results in learning of some kind. In the final analysis, something is lost when we live … >>>

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Urgent vs. Important

On March 23, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

There is a marked difference between what is urgent and what is important.

An urgent task may not be very important in the long run, but it demands immediate attention. An important task is something that moves you toward your goal.

If the roof is leaking and water is dripping on your favorite reading chair, the urgent task is to move the chair. The important task is to fix the leak.

Here is another example to deal with the difference. If you are working on a project and a creative idea pops into you head that has nothing to do with the task at hand, write it down to attend to it later. If you leave the important task at … >>>

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Assumptions

On March 16, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

Although assumptions are necessary, they often are the cause of needless stress.

On a recent Saturday morning, my wife drove to a medical laboratory, having read in the laboratory’s booklet that it would be open Saturdays. After arriving at the laboratory, she discovered that it was closed; there had been a misprint in the medical directory.

If she had been aware that she made an assumption, she might have made a phone call to the laboratory, found that it was not open, and saved herself time and energy.

Assumptions are beliefs taken for granted. They are so natural and involuntary that they usually do not enter our consciousness. However, once we understand that we are making an assumption, we can … >>>

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Flexibility and Choice

On March 9, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management, Weekly Tips

There is an old story about the U.S.S. Enterprise that was traveling along the Eastern seaboard. It saw a light in front and thought that it was going to collide with the other ship. So the Enterprise sent a signal for the other ship to travel in a different direction. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise and you are on our course. Please go south.”

A message came back, “We cannot move.”

A second message was sent. “We are the U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not move, we will collide.”

Another message came back. “Sorry, we will not and cannot move.”

A last message was sent. “We are the mighty U.S.S. Enterprise. If you do not change course, we will destroy … >>>

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Benjamin Franklin’s Approach

On February 28, 2016 / Reduce Stress, Stress Management

Benjamin Franklin offered this advice that not only reduces stress from disappointments but increases your effectiveness: “Present your thoughts not as ultimatums but as suggestions to be considered.”

He wrote that he made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions of others and all positive assertions of his own.

He even forbade himself the use of every word or expression that imported an opinion, such as “certainly’’ and “undoubtedly.” Instead he used expressions such as, “I conceive,” and “I imagine” a thing to be so and so.

When someone asserted something that Franklin thought to be an error or wrong, he denied himself the pleasure of contradicting the person even though he knew he was right.

Here’s what he … >>>

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Reduce Power Struggles to Reduce Stress

On February 24, 2016 / Stress Management

I believe most theories about the stress and strain dealing with young people of all ages—especially adolescents—have focused incorrectly on such factors as physical changes, emerging sexuality, new social pressures, and struggles between being a child and an adult.

This period is often difficult for both young people and parents. As young people grow, conflicts arise. A prime reason is that the young want to become independent, but adults continue to exert authority with coercion and expect obedience. Attempts at continual control so often lead to counterwill—the natural human tendency to resist being controlled. This leads to power struggles, which lead to even more resistance, reluctance, resentment, and even rebellion.

Parents assume that rebellion is inevitably a function of development. … >>>

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Having a Mindset of Making a Contribution Enhances Life

On February 15, 2016 / Stress Management

Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who survived Nazi death camps. His classic book “Man’s Search for Meaning” emphasized the importance of having meaning for one’s life.

Here is an example from a classic tale. A man was walking down the street when he came upon three men working at a construction site. All the men were doing the same job. He asked the first worker what he was doing. The man replied, “Breaking up these rocks.” The man then asked the second worker what he was doing. This worker said, “I’m earning a living.” The man asked the third worker who responded, “I’m building a cathedral.” Clearly the third man had a vision. He understood the larger significance … >>>

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Reduce Stress with Collaboration Not Domination

On February 9, 2016 / Stress Management

Dominating another person may feel good, but think of the effect it has on the other person—as well as on yourself. Just as no one likes to be told what to do, no one likes to be dominated. In addition, domination is a close cousin of stress because it releases a flood of stress hormones, including adrenaline and cortisol. In contrast to dominating someone, when you aim at collaboration, stress is reduced and relationships improve. A simple approach to begin the collaboration process is by asking the other person’s opinion. The technique is amazingly simple and so effective. Another simple approach is to ask for the other person’s help. It is a rare situation when you will ask someone for … >>>

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Telling People What to Do Prompts Stress

On February 8, 2016 / Stress Management

Telling people what to do prompts stress. No one likes to be TOLD what to do. Think of a time when someone told you what to do or told you that you had to do something. Notice how it conjured up a negative emotion and may even promoted stress.

Although most people like telling others what to do, very few people enjoy being told what to do.

The reason that no one likes to be told is that telling carries an inference. The unstated message is that “What you are doing is not good enough and you need to change.”

No one likes to hear this message.

I grew up with a friend who, when told what to do by … >>>

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