One of the best ways to make parenting (and discipline in general) easier and less stressful is to view yourself as being in collaboration with your children rather than being a rule enforcer. No matter how challenging your children may be today, they really do want to grow up and be responsible adults, and you certainly want that for them as well. So in a sense, you are both working toward the same goal. Why not work together? Collaboration among individuals is always more effective for improved efficiency and relationships. Here’s a story that shows how collaboration makes any task easier. During a hike in the woods, a group of Boy Scouts came across an abandoned section of a railroad
READ MORE >>> →Archive
I was recently talking to a mother of a five-year-old boy about rules versus responsibilities. I’ve often said that rules are meant to control, while responsibilities empower. This mother was a great example of how this mindset plays out in the home. She explained that in their home, everyone (mom, dad, and all the children) all have the same responsibility: “to help the family unit run smoothly.” How each person acts out that responsibility is up to them. She explained that even her five-year-old son had this responsibility instilled in him. In fact, it’s common for him to do the laundry (correctly), clean up the dinner plates (without being asked), and tidy up the living room each morning before leaving
READ MORE >>> →A new study from researches at the University of Dundee, University of Bristol, and University of Georgia found that the more time teens spend exercising, the better they tend to do on tests. Specifically, the more active the child was at age 11, the greater their academic performance was during the tests in the following years. This held true even after taking into account other factors such as socioeconomic status, weight, and the child’s puberty status. How does exercise boost academic performance? “Studies have revealed relationships between PA [physical activity] and relevant cognitive outcomes such as measures of executive function, as well as studies suggesting that PA might increase time ‘on task’ in class and reduce classroom ‘problem behavior,’” the
READ MORE >>> →
Promoting Responsibility & Learning – Volume 13 Number 10
#2 Two key questions
#3 Reducing negative feelings
#7 Synopsis of Discipline Without Stress
Offering choices significantly reduces stress and is remarkably more effective than attempting to force change. If a parent coerces or forces a decision upon a child that the youngster does not like—and if the child does not respond as the parent desires—the youngster is making a choice. Call it defiance, but nevertheless a choice has been made. Conversely, if the youngster does comply, a choice also has been made. So, since the child has choices anyway, providing options diminishes stress and is more effective than not offering them. The most effective number of choices to offer is three. With some young people, offering just two choices seems limiting and restrictive. Giving three options eliminates all perceptions of coercion and encourages
READ MORE >>> →The traditional model for attempting to change people has been authoritarian and aligned with coercive techniques, such as threats of punishment or bribes of a reward. But in the last number of years, society’s model has been that nobody needs to be submissive to anyone else. Everyone has rights. Authority and expected submissiveness are out. Everyone is equal. Notice how often you are called by your surname preceded by a title. Not very! Using given names is much more equalizing. The information revolution is a major reason why coercion is not effective today. Information has always been a prime source of power and control. Only those in positions of authority possessed it, and they used it to their advantage. Not
READ MORE >>> →Checking for understanding is by far the most important thing you can do in listening. In fact, without this step you can never be sure that you and the other person actually communicated. There is a story told about General Alexander Haig, the former commander-in-chief, United States European Command, who spent five years with the North Atlantic Treaty Organization (NATO). One time at an international party, an Englishman asked him, “General Haig, are you married?” Haig said, “Yes, I am.” The Englishman asked, “Do you have any children?” He answered, “No, I don’t have any children. My wife can’t get pregnant.” The Englishman said, “Oh I see … your wife is inconceivable.” A German fellow said, “No, no. You don’t
READ MORE >>> →In many schools, the usual approach to discipline is to teach toward obedience using rewarding, telling, and punishing. These are all various forms of manipulation, pressure, or coercion—and often induce stress and resistance. By contrast, if a discipline approach is used where students are motivated to be responsible, then obedience becomes a natural by-product. The fact is that young people—pre-school through 12th grade—want to be responsible, but we are using ineffective approaches to help them. However, when schools implement the Hierarchy of Social Development as described in Discipline Without Stress, they reduce discipline problems, improve classroom management, and increase academic performance. How is this possible? It is the effect of the Hierarchy of Social Development—how people grow—that makes teaching it
READ MORE >>> →Having adolescents clean up after themselves is a real challenge for many adults. Here is a question I received: Last night I requested my 14-year-old daughter to assist me with work in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher and loading it again with dirty dishes. She said she would do it but had her own timetable as to when she was going to do it. She said in five minutes and continued to watch television. By then I had already requested her help four or five times. Suddenly, out of sheer fatigue and irritation (I am diabetic and sometimes I express myself this way out of exhaustion!), I yelled at her that I needed it to be done “right now.” She
READ MORE >>> →Getting a youngster to dress is a challenge for many parents, as this communication to me describes: I’m having a problem dressing my five-year-old son. He often takes a very long time to get dressed in the morning. We give him 20 minutes, which we know is ample because when he’s motivated he can do it in 3 minutes flat. Yet 20 minutes later he’s still only half dressed, having been distracted by toys, books, a dripping faucet, an ant on the floor, or just about anything. This behavior is making my husband late for work every morning. We’ve tried taking the offending toy or book away from him, but we can’t take away the world. When I talk with
READ MORE >>> →Oliver Wendell Holmes said, “The human mind, once stretched by a new idea, never regains its original dimensions.” When young people learn about the Hierarchy of Social Development and the various levels, they become more aware of social responsibilities and their relationships with others. Of course, knowing the hierarchy is one thing. Using it daily is another. Evaluating one’s own behavior can be so challenging and threatening that it is often avoided. So if you want children to effectively use the hierarchy, you can influence them to do so by starting with yourself. Reflecting on the different levels involves engaging in self-evaluation—the type of activity that prompts motivation to change in a non-threatening way, which is a major reason for
READ MORE >>> →Most parents don’t listen to their children. But listening to learn and valuing young people’s feelings and ideas is what promotes the ability of parents to effectively communicate with and influence children. What is “listening to learn”? When you listen to learn, it means you’re not inserting your opinion and not judging what the youngster says while the youngster is speaking. Often, parents have a natural tendency to approve or disapprove of young people’s statements. Parents’ first reaction is to evaluate from their own point of view and then approve or disapprove of what the youngster says. This is listening autobiographically. While the tendency to make evaluations is common in almost all conversations, it is much more intense when feelings
READ MORE >>> →My name is Patrick D’Alessandro and I am a Kindergarten teacher in Powell, Wyoming. I attended your training on discipline last spring in Billings, Montana. I have found it truly beneficial—the best change I’ve ever made to my teaching. Your program is very consistent with my core beliefs and showed me how to apply them to the classroom . I am so grateful. Thank you.
READ MORE >>> →When you discipline with a positive focus, you reduce stress, build trust, avoid conflicts, and increase satisfaction and contentment. Often, creative thinking may be needed in order to achieve these benefits. Such was the case when a mother and young girl were walking the family dog. The young girl was approximately 5 years old and weighted maybe 45 pounds. The dog being walked was a large mixed breed that probably weighed about 70 pounds. The young girl desperately wanted to be the one walking the dog. While the dog was gentle and loving, the mother knew that one strong tug from the dog and the child would get pulled down and possibly hurt. No matter how the mother tried
READ MORE >>> →QUESTION: I was thinking today about the “enforceable statements” that Love and Logic is big on using. At first, I was thinking that I might use their statements in my Discipline without Stress teaching but now I’m wondering. I’d like another opinion on the subject. In the Love and Logic program, instead of making rules for your students, you only tell them what YOU, the adult will do. The thinking behind this is that the only person you ever really have control over is yourself. I can see how some enforceable statements could be used with Discipline without Stress if they fall into the category of procedures. For example, things like : “Ooops, I listen to kids who raise their hands,” or;
READ MORE >>> →Knowing how to manage your time responsibly is important for everyone—young or old. Many parents and teachers complain that children are lacking even the basics of time management. Here’s a thought-provoking poem that can help children and adults realize the value of time and the need to manage it wisely. To realize the value of one year: Ask a student who has failed a final exam. To realize the value of one month: Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby. To realize the value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper. To realize the value of one hour: Ask the lovers who are waiting to meet. To realize the
READ MORE >>> →As you’ve undoubtedly noticed, no two children (or adults for that matter) are the same. Each individual, young or old, views the world differently, interacts with others in a distinctive way, and processes information uniquely. Of course, differences are good. It would be boring if everyone acted, behaved, and thought the same way. But sometimes, interacting with people who are vastly different from you (as with many parent/child relationships) can be stressful. Noticing behavioral styles among people is nothing new. The Swiss psychiatrist Carl Jung was the first to categorize behavioral styles. Jung postulated that every individual develops a primacy in one of four major behavioral functions: intuiting, thinking, feeling, and sensing. If you and your child operate from different
READ MORE >>> →Consistency in approach is important for youth. One common complaint I hear from teachers who use the Discipline Without Stress system is that it can be tough for students to experience consistency when all the faculty and staff in the school aren’t on the same page in terms of handling discipline problems. That’s why I offer an In-House Staff Development package for schools, which promotes responsible behavior and increases academic performance. Schools who engage in the training benefit because it helps reduce office referrals and suspensions, diminish bullying, increase safety, and enhance academic performance. Teachers benefit because it improves classroom management skills, empowers teachers to better handle classroom disruptions, and reduces stress. Student benefit because they start to behave
READ MORE >>> →